Kittens! It’s time once again for the warrior women of all the world’s nations to come together, hammer out their differences, and try to keep the planet together for just a little bit longer. Alternately, it’s time one again for the world’s biggest tuck-free drag show! Yes, the world’s most beautiful women are putting on their goofiest costumes in order to secure the one thing of utmost importance in the world today: INTERNATIONAL ATTENTION FOR AT LEAST THE NEXT TEN MINUTES! It’s a tradition, darlings! And as always, the Miss Universe national costumes can always be counted on to break themselves down according to theme, with the most popular being the same every year: A contest between the bird-women and the flower-women.
“Come to Paraguay! We are known for our tumor-flowers!”
“Portugal! Craft store capital OF THE WORLD! Also, sadly in need of some halfway-decent skirt designers.”
Miss Czech Republic
“At least you have a skirt, Portugal. I’m wearing a fucking flower diaper over here.”
“Come to Indonesia and get attacked by our chemtrail-spewing robot birds!”
I’ve got nothing to add to that. This costume just makes me want to shout it out.”
“Guam! Land of my people, The Flower Fairy Folk! We are a simple people; devoted to the flowers that sustain us and also sewing sick showgirl costumes.”
“Colombian Flower Fairies hereby declare WAR on their lesser cousins from Guam for being basic try-hards.”
Miss Great Britain
“I AM THE FUCK-BREXIT BIRD! CA-CAW!”
“Any basic bitch can wear a flower dress, put it takes a POLISH GIRL to make a flower dress WITH PANTS work!
That sounded more confident in my head backstage.”
“HAHA! Look at these sad cows with their birds and flowers! German girls are HOT and FUN. We don’t need much else. Let’s eat beer and sausage while half-naked!”
“Pfft. Germany girl, you don’t HAVE anything else. Come to Haiti. Let us dazzle you with our capes.”
“Miss Ecuador is here, which means it is time for Miss Haiti and her sad cape to sit down before she embarrasses her nation any further.”
“I – I just wanted to be a pretty girl and wear some flowers. Do we have to fight and tear each other d– ”
“Shit or get off the pot, Australia! War has broken out amongst the bird women and the flower women! Grab a headress, put a big stone face on a stick and PICK A SIDE!”
“Brazil is ready! But you can keep your stone heads, Belize. Our carnival masks are deadlier and also more fabulous.”
“Kazakhstan! SWOOPING IN FOR GLORY! ATTACK, SISTERS! RIP THOSE FLORAL BITCHES APART!!!!”
“You drama queens are over-thinking this, as usual. America. Our flowers are fucking HUGE.”
Part Two: Superheroes, Warriors and Goddesses!
[Photo Credit: Patrick Prather/Miss Universe]