Our entire home and office looks like a bunch of drunken elves came in and threw up all over everything, which means we’ve got to do some cleaning and organizing and decorating post-haste. We don’t have time to give each of these lukewarm efforts our full loving attention and we’re betting you don’t either. Let’s get bitchy in a drive-by, assembly-line sort of way, darlings.
Ready, set, JUDGE.
Low-key, but cute and well-coordinated.
Eye-searing and a bit much in every respect, but it’s one of her more tasteful efforts.
Standard female popstar-ware, circa 1985-2025.
Counselor Troi goes to a funeral.
Next. Quickly, please.
Dakota Johnson in Givenchy Couture
We get the impression there’s some sort of stunning metallic gown under there and she’s just waiting for the right moment to rip away the drop cloth she’s got covering it.
Keep moving, please.
Danai Gurira in Emilia Wickstead
Love the hair, love the color, not feeling the shapes.
Felicity Jones in Rūh
There’s nothing wrong with a HillarySuit, but the white pantsuit is so overdone at this point that it practically begs for a twist.
Step forward, please.
Gigi Hadid in Marc Jacobs
Love it. It’s retro cheek-sucking high-fashion and she couldn’t be more perfect for it.
Let’s go, folks.
Halle Berry in Aadnevik
Surprisingly frilly and feminine, coming from her. It’s not our favorite look, but we appreciate her effort to give it a twirl. It’s been a while since she decided to start aging backwards. What is she now, about 35 again?
January Jones and Jaime King
Left Blonde is getting a little clowny with it, but that sort of thing always suited her. Right blonder is working a fairly ugly print- and since the dress is all about the print, it’s not working that well for her.
Please keep shuffling forward at a steady pace. Thank you.
Jennifer Aniston in Stella McCartney
The sheer cuffs come off like a shocking development, given how expected the rest of it is.
Come on, people. We’ve still got a lot of you to get to and we’re not allowed to unlock the doors until we’re done. It’s the law.
The dress really works for her, but we’re having a hard time with how much the earrings clash.
Thank you, please keep moving toward the light.
Kesha in Fabiana Milazzo
It’s hideous fun. We mean that as a compliment.
Lily Collins in Givenchy
Cute. Could’ve been styled with a bit more pizzazz. Not feeling the ponytail or sandals.
Thank you for coming. Next.
Very cute. Yes, even the turtleneck. What can we say? He’s young.
That’s it, folks. Keep coming. We can see the end of the line from here.
Madelaine Petsch in Paule Ka
That’s a pretty horrible color combination that she’s pulling off surprisingly well.
Next please. It’s almost over for you all.
Love the print, love the shape, hate the neckline.
Mediocre Game of Thrones cosplay.
Thank you. Next please.
Natalie Portman in Dior
A complicated nightgown in a terrible color.
Thank you. Please keep moving so others can be judged.
Olivia Colman in Victoria Beckham
You deserve better than this surgical smock, dear.
We’re sorry. Thank you for waiting.
You’re insane but we love you. For some reason, you insist on dressing either like a teenager in 1983 or an octogenarian today. It’s an aesthetic; we’ll give you that.
Please step forward.
Hmm. We love him for being a little flamboyant in his choices, but the shape of that jacket is just too goofy.
THANK YOU ALL FOR WAITING SO PATIENTLY TO BE JUDGED. THERE ARE PRETZELS AND JUICE BOXES FOR YOU ON THE WAY OUT SINCE YOU ALL MUST BE FAIRLY HUNGRY BY NOW. PLEASE SHIELD YOUR EYES AS YOU ENTER THE SUNLIGHT.
[Photo Credit: INSTARImages]