We’re BACK, bitches! You didn’t think we could do it, did you? Well, we can’t find anything and the phone isn’t hooked up yet, but goddammit, we found a wireless connection and we’re bringin’ it!So! The Harvey Girls! Let’s go!
Our film opens as all Judy Garland pictures must: Judy in a shit-ugly dress, singing. She’s — oh god, what difference does it make what her character’s name is? She’s alway’s Judy. Anyway, Judy’s heading west to marry a man she never met. So far, she’s not impressing us with her common sense.
On the train, she befriends a bunch of girls with sleeves even puffier than her own. The other girls try not to laugh at Judy’s ugly dress, but you can tell it’s hard for them.
Exposition summary:
Harvey Girls: We’re Harvey Girls, waitresses who act and dress like nuns! We’re going to Sandrock to open a Harvey House!
Judy: Why, I’m going there too! I’m going to marry a man I never met, but he wrote me such wonderful letters!
Harvey Girls: …
You’re fucking kidding us, right?
Meanwhile, in Sandrock, Angela Lansbury is a slutty local girl. We know she’s a slut because her clothes have sequins and her dress has more than two colors in it.
She and the two owners of the local “entertainment parlour,” Ned and Judd, are a mite worried about this here Harvey House opening up across the street from them. Apparently, the men in Sandrock find sickly pure virgins to be more fun than slutty dance hall girls. Go figure.
But no time for that! The train’s coming in and that means the town negro better start singing!
And kids, that’s just the START of the offensive racial stereotypes! The Land O Lakes butter girl is a more believable Native American than the bitch on the left. What’s sad is, she probably had to blow a lot of guys just to get that role.
Oh she can act like she’s appalled that the red man is staring at her, but that vagina hat was QUIVERING.
Not many cute cowboys in this one. The director must’ve been straight.
Anyway, “The Atcheson, Topeka, and the Santa Fe,” is quite the little number. There’s an extended sequence where seemingly every character and extra in the movie sings at least one line and it all builds up to a major star turn as practically everyone bows down to Judy while she takes the song home.
First, Judy steps off the train and announces to everyone that she’s “feeling fresh and alive.” The Acheson, Topeka and the Santa Fe was known for its state-of-the-art douching cars.
Everyone is fascinated by her and hangs on to her every word.
Then, she relates some of her life history, including some fairly private details. Everyone is rapt with attention. Clearly, she is the most interesting person to ever come to Sandrock. All the cowboys want to have sex with her.
Finally, after whipping the crowd into a near-frenzy, she convinces them all to do her bidding while she brings that fucker HOME.
But after the music ends, she comes back to cold reality, where no one pays attention to her, not even the pretend Indians. She’s shocked and repulsed, to discover…
That her intended doesn’t live up to her high standards.
Pfft. Smell her.
She thinks she’s letting him down easy, when in fact, he can’t wait to get the hell away from her. He was an old-fashioned man and he couldn’t be seen with the kind of woman that discusses her douching habits in public.
Meanwhile, the Harvey Girls, in their puffy-sleeved burkas and vagina hats, have a shock of their own.
The women in this godforsaken town don’t wear outer clothes.
Judy goes to see Ned because he was the one who wrote those letters that lured her out there and blahblahblah. They hate each other but they’ll be kissing and soft-focus within the next 20 minutes.
But first, Judy has to go through Harvey Girl training! Everything from dressing like a nun on crack…
…to posing for outrageously unflattering closeups.
Jessica Fletcher, on the other hand, knows how to have a good time.
When the Harvey House opens, Ned is there to pretend that he doesn’t want to get under her voluminous skirt. She pretends that she doesn’t want that too.
Her sexual repression eventually drives her insane and she goes on a rampage, killing dozens of townspeople.
She is eventually discovered with their butchered remains, the Harvey House manager her hostage and sex slave.
The end.
Haha! No, there’s more. First, the modeling of night-burkas as they sing about how horny they are.
Then, a shot is fired! The girls with the ugliest hair decide to leave.
Later, Judy taunts Angela because her singing voice is clearly dubbed.
Then, she makes a play for her man.
Angela has had enough and brings in the girls with the Adam’s apples to take care of things. You know what that means, don’t you, kittens?
BAR FIGHT.
It’s the Sluts vs. the Virgins and the Virgins win!
That night, at the Virgin Dance, they are smug and precious.
Where the hell are they getting all these clothes?
The Sluts show up and it’s ALL BITCHES TO THE DANCEFLOOR, PLEASE! But somehow, the Virgins win that showdown too. The men of this town prefer their women buttoned up and prissy, dammit!
In case anyone may have forgotten that she is a virgin, Judy dons a white lace veil to show that her vagina remains pure and unsullied
And just generally acts like an all-around jackass.
Later: Harvey House burns down! Ned fights saboteurs!
Having stolen their men and now their jobs, the virgins simply kick the sluts out of town and take over their bar.
Ned’s all..”Y’know, there’s just something about an uptight princess. See ya, babe. I’ll miss the blowjobs.”
And of course, wedding. What musical would be complete without one? The end.
The bridesmaids all look like toilet paper covers.
[Screencaps: tomandlorenzo.com]
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