HA! You didn’t think we could do it, did you? Well, it’s still Monday (even if you’re probably not going to read this until Tuesday at the earliest), which means that come hell, high water, or shitty wireless internet connection because our DSL line STILL isn’t hooked up, there WILL BE a Musical Monday, goddammit!
SIAM – or a not-particularly-reasonable facsimile thereof!
And here is Anna and her son…whose name escapes us. They are pale, British, and in need of a good enema from the looks of them. Anna is a widow and figures that the best way to deal with her grief is to run off to faraway lands, dragging her poor limp-wristed son behind her, in a desperate attempt to find some meaning to it all. Also, to accept a job teaching the King’s children.
Meanwhile, Rita Moreno is being brought in on a tray for King Yul Brynner. She is Tiptum or Tuptim or Tic-Tac or something like that. We could look it up, but it’ll be more fun if we just wing it with the names. Anyway, she’s been given to Yul as a gift from the King of Burma, but her heart belongs to Loompa (or something like that).
The Prime Minister doesn’t like Anna and so he thrusts his nipples at her to disconcert her.
Anna introduces herself to the King and he laughs at her ridiculous clothing. She’s not feeling the love and wonders if she shouldn’t high-tail it back to that ship and see if they’re looking for prissy English schoolmarms in Malaysia.
But once she realizes that Yul has about a hundred children and that she could treat them all like slaves, the job starts looking a lot more appealing all of a sudden.
Later, she finds the King’s harem stealing her luggage.
She stamps her feet and threatens them with whippings, but the wives only laugh at this silly, pale thing in their midst.
Anna decides to shock them all by showing her ladyparts. When the wives remain unimpressed, she farts at them.
Tip-toe pleads with Anna to help her reunite with Lump-Thing. Anna smiles and tells her that she can’t understand a word she’s saying with her thick accent.
She arranges the wives like dolls and forces them all to compliment her while she sings.
Back in the throne room, the King has just completed his 8-Minute Abs tape and desperately wants someone to notice.
He comes across his son and heir, Changalottacorn or something like that. He’s a “special” boy who sometimes likes to pretend that he is a supemodel or cabaret singer or showgirl.
Later, Anna does something condescending and imperialistic again.
The King is furious with her and flexes his abs at her. She snorts at him and claims she’s seen better.
The Prime Minister shrieks at her for not loving the King’s abs enough and threatens to scratch her eyes out if she does it again. Then he gives her one snap and sashays out of there.
That night, a couple of trick-or-treaters show up at her door. She sends them away because their costumes are ridiculous and besides, they don’t have Halloween in Siam.
Lunktha and Tum-Tum meet secretly and sing instead of fucking their brains out.
The next day, the King refers to Anna as his servant and bitch HITS. THE. ROOF.
That night, she makes a sudden realization: this isn’t her hair.
Then, the King forces her into a sex ritual, which she pretends to protest, but no one believes her.
For fun, she dresses the King’s wives up like Nevada whores just before the British Ambassador is set to arrive.
The King is upset at his whorish wives and disguises it by taunting Anna for having such small breasts.
Later, the Ambassador shows up and waves his penis at the ladies.
Okay, serious for a moment. We can’t say we exactly love this film. The story is a bit treacly and there aren’t any particularly memorable songs outside of “Getting to Know You,” but two things worth watching if for are Yul Brynner’s wonderful performance and the Siamese ballet of “Uncle Tom’s Cabin,” which is both beautiful and cute at the same time. We would be the last people able to tell you if the piece is even remotely culturally accurate (it feels more “Siamesey” than true Siamese, if you know what we mean), but it is entertaining and visually stunning. For once, we actually like the ballet sequence in the middle.
After the show, TimTom and Oompaloompa sneak out by pretending to be Mary and Joseph.
Anna is upset that the King doesn’t like her breasts, but she’s too hot for him to let it get to her.
TipTop is found and dragged before the King. Anna pleads for her life. That guy on the right is ready to blow any second.
The King wants to beat TumTum, but he can’t …get it up (figuratively speaking) with Anna standing there and judging the size of his whip. Anna is disgusted and decides to leave.
While packing her things, she discovers her son, who has been trapped under something the entire time, since we haven’t seen him since the beginning of the film. She struggles to remember his name.
Wife Number One pleads with Anna to come and see the King before she leaves because he’s dying. Okay, what the fuck. Where the hell did THAT come from.Prince Chuckalongcorn stares at Anna’s breasts, trying desperately to will himself into a heterosexual attraction. No dice.
Anna goes to see the King. He dies. The end.
Seriously, WHAT THE HELL? What just happened there?
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