RZP: Activate the Rachel Signal!

Posted on September 21, 2011

Last week on The Rachel Zoe Project: Ohmigod. Ohmigod.Ohmigod. You guys. Rachel showed her collection to a bunch of editors and buyers in New York. Ohmigod. Then – ohmigod – Joe Zee showed up to give Rachel a present. Ohmigod. T Lo missed all this because they were in New York for Fashion Week, having drinks with the real Joe Zee, who told them nonchalantly, “I think I’m on Rachel Zoe tonight.”

This week on the Rachel Zoe Project: Joey has made his move, not just to Los Angeles so he can ask Rachel questions that embarrass us as gay men (“Are you actually going to let it come out of your vadge?”) but to horn in on this Jeremiah person and to get himself the maximum screentime. It was all raised (and highly manicured) eyebrows and pursed lips with this one.

But Jeremiah doesn’t have time to worry about silly hairdresser queens with delusions of grandeur, he’s got a new assignment. You see, when you work for Rachel Zoe, that means you do pretty much anything Rachel wants you to do at any given moment, so hairdressers work as stylists and assistant stylists work as interior decorators. It’s not up to Rachel to remember your silly job qualifications; she need only to hand out assignments. We’re pretty sure Mandana will be on tap to perform the C-section, should that moment come.  So Jeremiah has two weeks to do a job that takes several months AND he’s not particularly qualified to take on a job at this level. Drama! Jeremiah says “I’m having a manic attack,” and we wonder if he realizes what he just said. Pay attention to him, he’ll throw out these weird non-sequiturs and unusual phrasing as if he just learned English in the past couple of years. He said “Yous’s guys” at least three times last night. Anyway, Rachel tells him she just wants people in her company that she likes, and that’s why he was hired. This is a roundabout way of saying, “I hire cute under-qualified people so I can push them around.”

Suddenly, the Fashion Phone rings! There’s an emergency somewhere in the city and Commissioner Gordon needs Rachel’s help! Kim Kardashian needs to be styled in less than 24 hours or THOUSANDS WILL DIE SCREAMING. “We’re going to have to go ALL HANDS ON DECK,” shrieks Marisa in a panic. Rachel quickly springs into action by never leaving her seat and delegating everything to her army of sycophants. She cunningly tells Joey and Jeremiah (which actually sound like henchmen names when you say them like that) they’re both on accessory-pulling assignment but only one of them will have the honor of seeing Kim Kardashian in her panties tomorrow. Say what you will about her, she knows exactly how to push the buttons of young gay men to get them to do their best work. Joey and Jeremiah exchange glances and raised eyebrows. She gives them the vaguest instructions possible. She tells them what she wants by defining the term “accessories for them:  “Just…get some jewelry and some shoes and some belts.” “Ohmigod,” says Joey about three hundred times in 45 seconds. It is unclear whether his repeated exclamations are distress over the impossible task at hand or excitement over the possibility of sticking his hand up Kim Kardashian’s skirt. Jeremiah briefly (and unwisely) tries to assert himself in the accessory-pulling process, but to his credit, he did shut up when it was pointed out that he really doesn’t know Rachel that well. In other words, Joey pulled the very best thing out of his arsenal first: rank.

Rodger cups his balls and asks Rachel if he can go to Vegas for the weekend. “I think you’re a horrible person to even ask me that and for all you know I could wind up giving birth right here on this white couch, alone, with no one to clean up the stains when I’m done,” she tells him. Rodger blinks and says “Sweet! Thanks, Babe!” This is why they’re still together after 2o years. They openly express their anger and disappointment with each other and openly ignore such sentiments.

It’s the day of the Kim Kardashian shoot and Joey has been picked to wear the Robin costume. Kim expresses wonder that you can’t tell Rachel is pregnant from behind. “The reason that I haven’t gained anywhere else is because I never sit down,” reveals Rachel. “Also, because the baby is on a diet.” Joey giggles and coos over Kim, who consistently ignores everyone else in the room when she doesn’t have a camera pointed at her, never once looking from her phone except to give limpid come-hither stares to the camera when asked to do so. Rachel and Joey declare her the Greatest Living Actress of Her Generation and weep at her  beauty and talent. Joey vows never to wash his hand again after he jams it up her skirt.

Later, Rachel’s sister Pamela shows up and instead of taking them all to dinner, takes them to a doula to discuss the mechanics of childbirth, of which both Rodger and Rachel are apparently completely ignorant and happy to say so. “If I start watching videos, I will literally not give birth,” says Rachel, who’s under the impression that childbirth is actually optional when you’re pregnant. Rodger calls her a control freak (which is self evident, considering her expressed idea that she can decide whether or not her child will ever leave the confines of her body), but she emasculates in front of the doula, who shifts uncomfortably in her seat. That woman’s probably seen enough after-birth to last her several lifetimes, but having to sit in the same room with two sniping reality show celebrities finally triggered her gag reflex. “Well,” she says, trying desperately to find some way to end the conversation and get them out of her home, “You’re … lucky to have each other,” which is really just a nicer way of saying “No one else would put up with either of you.”

Who knew the doulas could be such stealth bitches?

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