Musical Monday: Guys and Dolls

Yes kids, it’s Guys and Dolls! A musical tribute to misogynistic gambling addicts and the dumb girls who love them!

Before we get started, we have to pay tribute to probably the greatest character in the whole movie: the fantastic Times Square set, which wisely put forth the idea that this movie is pure fantasy. Had they shot it on location, this would have been a very strange movie.

Not that it’s not strange anyway.
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Two minutes into the movie, no one has uttered a line yet and we’ve already decided on our favorite characters – not to mention this year’s Halloween costumes. Alas, we never see these fabulous whores again.

We meet the local gambling addicts instead. Wouldn’t it be great if shady characters stood around and sang about their shadiness all the time?
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We’re introduced to saccharine sweet Sarah Brown, the quintessential good girl. She is virginal and pure and has virtually no sexual characteristics and we all know it’s only a matter of time before those buttons come undone.
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Then we meet Sinatra as Nathan Detroit. Nathan’s in charge of the floating crap game that all the other gambling addicts rely on to get their fix. Unfortunately, Nathan’s got a bit of a problem. He needs to come up with a thousand bucks to pay off the garage owner so he’ll let them hold the crap game there. Boys? Take it away.

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Later we meet Nathan’s long-time (very long-time) fiancee, Adenoid.

Sorry, that’s Adelaide. Honest mistake. Anyway, because she’s not too bright, she’s been waiting 14 years for her wedding, thinking that Nathan’s gonna clean up his act any second now. Oh, honey.
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Brando. Scorching hot. He plays Sky Masterson, the highest of the high rollers. Nathan, desperate to come up with the 1000 bucks he needs to host the crap game, entices him into a wager he can’t refuse. Sky has to convince a girl to fly to Havana with him for dinner. Nathan gets to pick the girl.
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Big shock. But come on! This is Brando! He could charm the panties off Mother Teresa if he had to!

We’ll wait for you to scrub that image from your brain.
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Sky visits Sarah at the Save-A-Soul Mission, but she keeps her buttons buttoned.
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But this is a musical of course, so Sky sings at her for a bit. No dice. Next step?
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Force yourself on her. Charming! Romantic!
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Okay, maybe we love her a little bit. After slapping him around a bit, she throws him out so she can go masturbate.
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That night, Adenoid is working it on stage. We’ve changed our minds. This is our Halloween costume.
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The Regional Director of the Save-A-Soul Army visits the mission and announces that she’s closing it because Sarah’s done such a shitty job. Sky interjects and promises that by midnight the next night, there will be at least a dozen sinners sitting in those chairs waiting for their donuts and coffee. Sarah, backed against the wall, reluctantly agrees to go to Havana with him.
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Nathan doesn’t know any of this and expects Sky to show up with his grand any minute. He and the rest of the gambling addicts wait around for the game to start when Lt. Brannigan shows up to harass them. Ah, for a simpler time, when the NYPD could spend their man hours tracking down floating crap games instead of floating bodies.
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Nathan tells the cops that they’ve got it all wrong and they’re just having a bachelor party in his honor. Unfortunately for him, Adenoid overhears the whole thing and rushes off to buy a dress and hire a wedding planner.
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Meanwhile, in Havana, Sarah remains as buttoned-up as ever. But Sky’s got the cure for that.
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Alcohol. And lots of it.
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As we all know, every good girl throws away her convictions the minute the devil drink touches her lips.
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The local drag queen takes a shine to Sky and Sarah doesn’t like that.
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No, Sarah doesn’t like that at all.

Why is it every time she hits someone we like her a little more?
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Drunk off her ass and high on adrenaline after beating up a drag queen, Sarah offers to undo a couple more buttons for Sky. He suddenly has a case of ethics and turns her down.
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They arrive back in New York just in time to see the gambling addicts run out of the mission. Turns out Nathan found a place to hold the crap game after all.
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Lt. Brannigan accuses Sky of masterminding the whole thing. Sky denies it, but Sarah decides not to believe him. Apparently, as she sobers up, her morals come back.
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Adenoid has another number and we have yet another choice for our Halloween costumes.
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For some reason, Sky meets her backstage and tells her that Nathan’s not going to marry her. Apparently, since he fucked things up with his girl, he feels the need to fuck up everyone else’s relationships too.
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Later, in what must be the most colorful and well-lit sewer in all of Manhattan, the crap game is on.
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Sky wants to set things right with Sarah, so he bets every one of the gambling addicts that if he wins the next roll, they all have to show up at the mission to be saved and if he loses, he’ll pay each of them 1000 bucks. Then he sings, of course.

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Apparently, Luck was a lady that night because everyone shows up at the mission for their donuts.
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Darlings, it kills us, but we couldn’t find a clip of Stubby singing “Sit Down You’re Rocking the Boat.” It’s the song that makes the movie.

Anyway, Sarah is impressed that Sky followed through on his marker and apparently, that’s all she needed because, you guessed it:
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Double wedding. In Times Square no less. Of course, cynical bitches that we are, we figure each marriage has about 5 years to go before it crashes and burns. Nathan’s never going to stop gambling and Sky will always have Cuban drag queens coming after him, forcing Sarah to keep getting into public brawls. All’s well that end’s well, right?

[Screencaps: tomandlorenzo.com]

• Musical Monday