RZP: Babies Ruin Reality Television

Posted on October 26, 2011

“Holy life change,” says Rachel. “Once I looked in Schuyler’s eyes, I was like, I can’t do anything anymore.” She says this in the same breath where she informs us that she’s returning to work. She can juggle these two contradictory ideas through a unique and well thought out plan which stuns us with its intricacy:  “I”m just gonna take Schuyler everywhere.”

Mandana is overseeing the look book shoot for Rachel’s collection and Rachel is coming in to show off her baby and make Mandana feel like she’s doing everything wrong.  Mandana informs us, with the wild-eyed stare of the truly brainwashed, “The thought of her ever being disappointed with me is not something I ever want to experience.” Rachel promptly shows up with her baby, ignores Mandana, and announces to everyone that Schuyler hasn’t pooped or burped, two words Rachel has never uttered before. Joey, sensing another opportunity to ass kiss, gushes that Schuyler is the most beautiful baby in the history of babies. Mandana runs around frantically styling looks like they’re about to blow any second, while Rachel flirts with Brian Atwood and informs everyone that her boobs really hurt.

Later, Jeremiah arrives at the offices of Zoe Worldwide International. For no reason except a burning need to share her pain with someone, Mandana blurts out that she hasn’t seen her husband since she got married. Then she tells Jeremiah that everybody loves the nursery. He makes cutesy faces and squeezes his pecs together in response, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Mandana drops it. They’re going to have a store-in-store setup in Bloomngdale’s, a development that causes the entire cast to utter “store-in-store” 40 more times in the next hour. Because of his superior pec-squeezing skills, as well his tendency to do anything he’s told to do, they want Jeremiah to design it. “You really captured the essence of Rachel, which is really hard to do,” says Mandana. As far as we could tell, “the essence of Rachel” is “buy every high end white piece of furniture in the Los Angeles area,” but to each his own. After agreeing to take on the project, Jeremiah makes more cutesy faces and listens to Mandana’s stirring speech imploring him to excellence: “Dude, you can’t fuck this up.”

Rachel sings a lullaby to the baby about french fries. Rodger attempts to tell a bedtime story but peters out just after “Once upon a time…” Rachel microdirects him and takes over, telling the baby a story about a prince who loves Missoni.

Jeremiah makes a presentation to Mandana for his store-in-store plans. She asks for shorter chairs, which prompts him to panic and worry if he’ll get fired. She shoots down his credenza idea. He worries he’ll get fired for suggesting a credenza. She doesn’t like his layout and worries of “two fat husbands” sitting among their beautiful collection. He worries his “two fat husbands” plan will get him fired. Basically, Jeremiah just worries about getting fired a lot.

Later, Jeremiah is table shopping! It’s not as simple as changing a hemline on a dress, he tells us. He’s stressing out! But then he buys one. Scintillating drama.

Back at Zoe Manor, more tense, riveting drama.  Rachel feeds the baby. He needs a burping. Rachel won’t share the baby with Rodger, but then she does. And then the baby burps. “‘I’m the Baby Whisperer,” says Rodger proudly as Rachel marvels at his ability to make babies burp. Then they pick out clothing for the baby. “He’s like a little French prince baby,” she argues when rodger mentions that he dresses him like a girl. She shows him his maje Gucci loafers, he pictures wrestling t-shirts in his future. “What’s a wrestling t-shirt?” asks Rachel.

It’s the day of the store-in-store installation at Bloomingdale’s and Jeremiah has to build walls and wire electricity and paint and weave a rug and upholster chairs and melt glass to make a tabletop – and he only has a half hour to do it all! Then some interns show up. But his chairs have not been delivered! Mandana calls to tell him that she’s coming with Rachel at 1:30. Then his chairs arrive! Jeremiah can’t believe it! He’s so excited and thankful over the wonder of furniture delivery that he takes off his shirt.

Back in the RachelMobile, Mandana frantically expresses her hope that Jeremiah doesn’t fuck this up. Rusty, the baby nurse, purses her lips in disapproval at these ridiculous white people and their potty mouths.

Arriving at Bloomingdales, Rachel seems a little underwhelmed. “I’m a little freaked out,” she says. Why is she freaked out? Because there’s only one chair. Then Jeremiah puts ANOTHER chair next to it! Rachel is happy again! The Bloomingdales Visual Manager comes over to examine the setup, queens out all over Rachel, and declares that it looks great. Then they all call the executive vice president of something and force him to tell her that it also looks great, even though he’s on the phone and can’t see it. He then mentions that every Bloomingdale’s in the world will from now on be called “RACHEL ZOE R US” and everyone cheers and claps.  Jeremiah cries. Rachel tells him “You’re my everything. I can’t with you.” Somewhere, Joey is seething.

Later, Rodger and Rachel have a barbecue for Team Zoe to thank them for all their hard work and to serve them Rachel’s “famous salami recipe,” which looks revolting. Because who needs bonuses when you can have salami drenched in some sort of jelly? Sensing yet ANOTHER opportunity to kiss ass, Joey blurts out, “I gag for Rachel’s salami!” Apparently, that’s a compliment. Rodger, looking stupid in his little hat, yells at everyone for eating the salami and then gets annoyed with them for not taking grilling seriously. Later, he gets up and toasts them all for humoring him and allowing himself to think that they give a shit what he says. Then he cries because they all laugh at him. To feel manly, he offers Jeremiah a job. Jeremiah also cries. And squeezes his pecs together. Rachel gets up and cries too, which is making this barbecue look suspiciously like the final dinner in a suicide cult. “I’m living in a dream,” says Rachel, before erupting with tears. Apparently it’s a bad dream. Rachel runs down all her accomplishments over the past year, which is somehow limited to everything she did while cameras were on her for her reality television program. “I wouldn’t change anything about my life right now,” she tells everyone. Does this mean next season we’re going to see even more baby and Rodger drama? Because we’d change that, Rachel.

  • Anonymous

     I have never seen anyone look more awkward holding their own baby than Rachel. 

    • michelle shields

      exactly my thinking

      • Anonymous

        That sucker weighs at least 6 lbs; that’s the heaviest thing she’s lifted outside of a fur coat in years.  It’s not that she’s awkward, it’s that she’s really really tired. 

  • Anonymous

    Thank you for watching…. so I DON’T HAVE TO!!!!

  • Sobaika Mirza

    Confession: I only continued to watch this drivel to keep up with your recaps. 

    At some point they decided that Rachel was more interesting than Rachel’s work (which couldn’t be further from the truth) and I’m not sure I’ll want to stick around for that.

    • Anonymous

      PERFECT way of putting it. It is the fashion part of it that had so many of us watching. I actually stopped watching because I found her sadly annoying. Less is more.

  • Anonymous

    I don’t watch this show, but I always look forward to your hilarious recaps. Thanks for doing such a great job.

  • http://profiles.google.com/misslauraschultz Laura Schultz

    “Somewhere, Joey is seething.”
    BEST part of the episode. 

  • Anonymous

    Yeah, this is the point where I stop watching the show. If it’s going to turn into the over-done and cliched “working mom balances baby and career” (ignoring the army of nannies working mom has at her disposal) instead of being about the fashion….forget it.

    I thought the kid’s name was Skyler….

    • Anonymous

      It is. I think TLo are just joking. According to Wiki it’s Skyler Morrison Berman.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_EDI2DLE7DE3YPW2ONIHBWOVHMA ecallaw

      Schuyler is another way to spell Skyler, so maybe one of those spellings is wrong.

      • MilaXX

        CC also spells it’s Skyler

      • Anonymous

        Schuyler is the original way to spell the name. Skyler is just a variant. Most of the Schuylers I’ve known have been female.

  • http://beautyforrealgirls.blogspot.com/ accidental housewife

    Is “Mandana” that woman’s real name, or did TLo make it up? Everything sounds funnier with “Mandana”.

    • Sobaika Mirza

      Mandana is her real name, it’s Persian. I thought it was funny how Jeremy pronounced it, sounded like Madonna.

      “Madonna is freaking me out right now.”
      “Madonna told me not to fuck up.”
      “Madonna was going to fire me.”

      • http://beautyforrealgirls.blogspot.com/ accidental housewife

        Oops, now I feel bad for making fun of her name. I should know better.

    • mrspeel2

      TLo didn’t make it up; it’s really her name. She says it is, anyway.

  • Anonymous

    My main thought throughout this epsidode was, “I bet Joeysarahsilverman is seething that Jeremiah is getting so much more camera time.”

    Ro(d)ger is the least realistic character on this shitshow. It’s like he read a pamphlet about how to be manly and is making a half-assed attempt at it, with the grilling, the Vegas trip with his pretend friends, the “make me a sandwich” schtick, etc. It’s gross. He’s probably in love with Jeremiah and it scares him, so he really overdoes it with the “We have to get rid of this guy” crap.

    The whole store-in-a-store drama was way more fake than the usual fakery. Are we really to believe that Bloomingdales made a decision in the split second of seeing the RZ store sample for the LA store, then in that same second suddenly decided they would expand it to eight stores?! What a joke.

    • http://profiles.google.com/misslauraschultz Laura Schultz

      yeah somehow I’ll bet that whole thing was for TV camera’s benefit….

      I was relieved that this episode was so Joey-free, and happy that Jeremiah won out in the end….

    • Rand Ortega

      Re: Roger. I’m at the nail salon, RZP is on & the manicurist looks at R & says, “This 1’s gay, too. Right?” So telling since she swears never seen the show before.

  • Anonymous

    It didn’t say much for Roger’s executive planning skills and foresight when he couldn’t see any place in the company for Jeremiah and then – MERE WEEkS LATER – they suddenly need him more than life itself. DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING, EH ROGER? 

    Also, RZ gushing about how cute Jeremiah always dresses. Yeah, that scarf he can’t live without is a real game changer. HE’S LIKE THE TOM FORD OF 2004 NECKWEAR. Gimme a break. 

  • Anonymous

    God, I love reading your summaries of this insane show!  I enjoy them even more since I quit watching this at the end of last season. They never fail to make me laugh til I cry.  I do wish I’d seen the jellied salami thing, though. I can’t imagine it–and I’ll bet RZ didn’t eat any of it, did she?

    Re: the final photo.  Ro(d)ger: You look like a total douche in that hat. The 1970s necklace and the 1960s hair are bad enough, but the hat really puts you over the top, right into Total Douche Land.

    And thank you, TLo, for spelling the baby’s name right:  Schuyler.  Not Skyler, as Mr. and Mrs. Zoe apparently wrote on the birth certificate.  Geez, they are not bright.  They’re rich as sin, I grant you. But not bright.

    • http://profiles.google.com/misslauraschultz Laura Schultz

      If they wrote Skyler on his birth certificate, then that IS the correct spelling… 

    • Jennifer Jacobsen-Wood

      The salami thing was WEIRD.  She took a salami, made cuts in it and then covered it with what looked like apricot preserves.  Then it went into the oven.  Everyone kept raving about it.    

      • Anonymous

        this is really all about an actual real salami, isn’t it, not a “salami,” like slang, like “hide the salami,” like bad penis jokes.  The fact that there’s a real salami featured here is probably the most depressing thing about this show (no wonder I don’t watch it).

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, what the hell was that?  It looked disgusting as well as not really cooking.  And I hope it was beef salami………

      • Anonymous
      • grouchywif

        might be something like this:

        APRICOT BAKED SALAMI (meat)

        1 large soft salami (2 pounds)

        1 1/2 cups honey mustard

        1 1/2 cups apricot or peach jam

        Preheat oven to 350. In a small sauce pan, over medium heat, combine
        mustard and jam. Stir constantly until mixture is well combines and
        bubbly. Place salami on wire rack on a cookie sheet. (Hint: Spray the
        cookie sheet with non-stick baking spray for easier clean-up.) Make 6-8
        diagonal slits in the top of the salami. Brush mustard mixture onto
        salami. Bake for 1 hour basting every 15 minutes. Remove the salami from
        the oven and place on a cutting board with a knife to let your guests
        serve themselves. Serve with crackers or rye bread. Serves 12 to 14 as
        an appetizer

        Haven’t eaten this, just did a search and came up with it.

    • MilaXX

      both spellings are correct. The parents just happened to have chosen Skyler

  • http://twitter.com/scriptgrrl scriptgrrl

    Joey tries his hardest to get camera time by speaking only in bitchy retorts, and yet the cutie-pie Jeremiah has the most airtime. I feel like there’s a metaphor somewhere in there.

    • Anonymous

      Drats, I only found the morale…

  • Anonymous

    i die for your recaps of RZP. this show is excruciating to watch at times. 

  • Anonymous

    What about the part where Ro(d)ger complaints he used to get ‘service’ before the baby and more or less demands Rachel make him a sandwich? Can you imagine Rachel ‘servicing’ him (ha-ha)? And when she wheels the stroller around the house?

    • http://profiles.google.com/shannonlstewart Shannon Stewart

      Now a stroller in the house is not that odd — we did that with my youngest because he loved the stroller but he was born in October. 

      And Rodger… you’re not a macho, chauvinist he-man.  No one’s buying the act, man.  No one believes you have wild Vegas weekends with the boys or that you think your wife should stay home with the baby or that she used to wait on you before the baby you all but demanded showed up.  NO ONE.  Give it up.  You’re essentially a kept man whose entire life revolves around making a shallow vapid woman happy enough to continue letting you work for her company that provides your entire life.  Just go with that.

  • Anonymous

    So annoying that all of them end up speaking just like Rachel.  Hope that sweet sweet baby escapes that particular fate.  Mandana is a beautiful woman.  Rodger is just sad.  Rachel is a … succubus!

    • Anonymous

      Bluefish — I think you are on to something.  When something was really draining at one job we would call it “Project Succubus” — perhaps we should rename PR the same.

  • Jennifer Jacobsen-Wood

    I predict that next season the baby will be pretty non-existent.  I think highlighting Skyler in this episode was all about making RZ look like a hand’s-on mom, especially to avoid scrutiny over her returning to work so soon.  I don’t think it will last.  Honestly, it shouldn’t last.   You can haul a newborn around all day, but an older baby or a toddler?  That just wouldn’t be good for anyone, especially the child.    

  • Anonymous

    and Joey doesn’t know chicken is poultry and poultry is meat and what is meat??? Salami is meat, right?

  • Anonymous

    I was soooo annoyed watching this last night.  As a professional designer in the business full time for over 25 years, the massively unprofessionally manner the whole jeremiah/design a store within a store project was handled was so improbable and staged.  NO WAY IN HELL Bloomingdales is letting this haphazard project occur in their store.  Really, it’s a joke how they are trying to set this all up.  And don’t even get me started on the whole baby as the center of RZ universe.  Someone needs to ply Mandana’s head out of Rachel’s ass, it has got to stink in there….

  • Anonymous

    that photo of Rachel with baby is terrifying. She looks like a bug-eyed alien about to eat a human baby hors d’oeuvre.

  • Anonymous

    the baby is sweet as for the rest of them.  good god EVERYTHING is always a crisis & it drives me crazy.  also the “love you”‘s are a bit to much.  why do i still watch? TLO of course!

  • http://profiles.google.com/shannonlstewart Shannon Stewart

    Hey, reality show or no show, post-partum women cry… and us really good ones can make everyone around us cry too… :) 

  • Anonymous

    I never watch this show and actually saw most of this silly episode. Rodger, what a tool. Joey is an idiot. Rachel is Queen of her little Universe, and loves the trembling of her minions [and these folks really are minions, unlike the clever, intelligent posters in the TLo Universe] as she waves her Magic Wand of Fashion and tells them all how high to jump.

    But I don’t know these folks, and don’t care to, and anyhow it’s all Reality Show Editing*, so maybe they are very nice people. Damn, mom, you drilled into me so well, if you can’t say anything nice…

    The baby is flawless, thanks to RSE*. I’m not going to be snarky here, he really is a beautiful baby, and I hope that he becomes the joy of their lives, and helps this odd couple become more normal.

  • mrspeel2

    I’m hoping against hope that the producers will concentrate more on fashion next cycle too. Also that Rachel leaves her little dumpling at home. I have no doubt she adores him to pieces but I’m pretty certain we can all live without watching her pull out the whole designer closet of baby clothing while she agonizes over which outfits she wants him to wear, her announcements that her breasts hurt, & telling everyone that Skylar didn’t poop or burp.

    A couple of other thoughts:

    Why is Mandana’s hair always so beautiful while Rachel’s usually looks like a rat’s nest? Could the answer be it’s because M won’t allow Joey near it?? Anyway, it’s nice to see that some women still like the sleek, shiny, natural hair instead of tangled, stringy extensions that have been teased to within an inch of their lives.

    At the cookout, besides thanking Jeremiah (who totally deserved it), why didn’t Roger thank Mandana for literally keeping the business afloat while Rachel was on maternity leave? I hope he at least gave her a big bonus!

    Finally, do we think Joey will be doing Molly Sims’ hair and make-up on Project Accessory, or is he contractually obligated to stay at Bravo?? I personally hope not but she seemed to adore him when she was on RZP last week.

    • Anonymous

      It always astonishes me how Joey can spend so much time futzing with Rachel’s hair, and it still always looks as though she just had a rough night in bed. 

      • mrspeel2

        The only time it actually looked worse, and Joey had nothing to do with it, was the episode when she was in labor. Not to cast aspersions on any woman in labor because I’ve been there and done far worse, but I had to giggle when she was using her
        hairspray and was completely unaware that the back was totally bed-head. She must have been mortified when she saw the show.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P2A3RYQVKJZKZNKS5W2ASCAKSI Lynne

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE your recap!!!!  Just like what I have said before, they are WAY better than the actual show.   Thanks again!!!!

  • http://twitter.com/keen23 Kara Keenan

    Know what? Still too much Joey in this show for my liking. He is a detestable human being.

  • Anonymous

    I actually found the baby-obsession sort of sweet–well, actually the dressing the baby part, which is kind of the one thing about a baby that Rachel gets.  Was that a Missoni sweater?  

    That said, I have a really high tolerance for people’s obsession with their newborns, *but* I really need this show to get back to fashion. Cuz at the end of the day, babies aren’t that interesting and there’s no shortage of real-life versions.  The repertoire of newborns is really limited–cry, sleep, nurse, poop and stare.

    I also suspect RZ will try for number two because she wants a mini Rachel to dress.

    Sorry, Jeremiah’s pretty, but boring.  The whole season just needed more fashion.  I know the pregnancy got in the way, but I want to see Rachel style.  Heck, I want to see Jordan style since she’s actually the one who seems to quietly know what she’s doing.  

    As a person, Rachel’s sort of absurd, but she really does have an eye and I find that aspect of her interesting.

    • http://profiles.google.com/shannonlstewart Shannon Stewart

      Well, each and every one of my babies was fascinating…;)  Maybe it’s just other people’s…

      And dressing them is pretty fun.  I mean, you can’t really play with a newborn.  I mean, as far as fun with them goes, it’s pretty limited to a) talking to them, b) snuggling them, and c) dressing them.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lynne-Jacobson-Arons/797361589 Lynne Jacobson Arons

    The Salami thing is actually VERY yummy. But it needs to be a Kosher Salami, NOT an Italian salami, the taste is very different.

    • Anonymous

      Best’s.  Or Hebrew National.

      • Anonymous

        Her’s (that reads oddly) was Hebrew National —

        • http://profiles.google.com/shannonlstewart Shannon Stewart

          Should be “hers”, I think.  That’s why it reads oddly:)

          • http://www.facebook.com/jeannie.shmina.greenwald Jeannie Shmina Greenwald

            God, I love the comments section almost as much as the recaps.

            TLO, I laughed until the kids thought I was sobbing; my son came in to investigate.  I wanted desperately to share this wildly hilarious, final (boo too) recap of this idiotic show with someone…but alas, no one here will quite understand.

            Says my 10-year-old, who’s waiting patiently for me to take her Mad Libs quiz, or some such, “Are you done laughing?”

  • http://www.facebook.com/ehormell Eric Hormell

    Apparently walking into Blueprint and buying a table is much more difficult than we realized. And since when are wrestling shirts “manly”? Is this season over yet?

    • Anonymous

      Yes. Last night was the finale. Thank god. But sadly, no more re-caps from the boys.

  • Susan Crawford

    Another episode in the ongoing saga of Jeremiah and The Furniture Fairies! Will they bless him by delivering yet MORE white chairs before RZ arrives? Will he be able to match the nailheads to the table base? Yes . . . and YES! The Furniture Fairies flutter away and hover over the patio at Casa del Babybabybaby, where once again Jeremiah brings order to chaos by lighting white candles, snipping peonies and creating AMBIENCE, which is pretty hard considering there is something terrible happening with a salami not two feet away. Then the Fashion Fairies drop a brick on Rodger’s silly little hatlet and he officially rehires our hero, who sheds some tears of glistening crystal.

    And as the hot jellied salami cools, Rusty casts her eyes heavenward and wonders what the hell she has signed on for with this crew. Honey, you have NO idea! 

  • MilaXX

    “I”m just gonna take Schuyler everywhere.”
    along with Rusty the baby nurse.

    Okay, have to admit the kid is seriously cute. Also I’m glad that salami looked disgusting to even meat eaters, because YUCK!

  • Michelle Le

    i don’t even need to watch this show anymore. your recaps make more sense and take less time. 

    p.s. SUICIDE CULT: so good!

  • Anonymous

    Ugh.  Make her go away already (or at least the show).

    It seems like this show has jumped the shark, especially since Brad left.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kellyann.reese KellyAnn Reese

    I don’t even watch this show anymore, I just read your recaps :)

  • http://twitter.com/megaera919 Marti Thornton

    Rodger reached spectacular douche bag status in his little hat with his little jewelry, his little undershirt, giant watch and super douche bag speech. It was awful.

    • http://www.facebook.com/jeannie.shmina.greenwald Jeannie Shmina Greenwald

      And he capped it off when he hugged Neil Lane after plunking down $700,000 for Rachel’s … ‘push present’ (those words, they gag on my fingers as they tap the keyboard).  Did he also tell Neil, “I love you?”  There’s no short supply of ‘I love yous’ between casual friends on this show.  That hug, though?  Really, Roger with a ‘d’? You hugged a jeweler you just gave over half a million dollars to? Oh…you hugged NEIL LANE. Oh-kay.

  • http://twitter.com/karenwalsh Karen Walsh

    Thank you!  Your recaps are so much more entertaining than the actual show.  And who wants to hear more from Rusty, huh?  Bet she’s got some good inside dirt!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_7DDBWDEQZA3OUS4S6MEMDEKWQ4 chhivt

    I’m glad TLo makes notices of peck flexing from Jeremiah, love it.  And can we somehow make Joey go away?  He is insufferable.  

  • Rand Ortega

    More fashion, less Rachel.
    PLEASE!

  • http://twitter.com/ashinyoconnor Aisling O’Connor

    Correction: Babies ruin everything. I can bitch, I can’t wear denim anymore. Bloody human race.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_WKSM57KFWUGRMKPDUW4SPL3GDM Kathryn

    I watched some RZP over the holidays.  I think it literally made me sick.  I was shocked at how immature, silly, and utterly without merit RZ is.  I kept hoping it would get better but it got worse.  I hated all the celebrity-worshipping, and the inane forced drama, not to mention 1000 other things.  It put me off fashion.  I got sick for two weeks. Then I came back to TLo with their dose of very appropriate and needed irreverence, so I’m well now, although, I think permanently traumatized.