RZP: Babies Ruin Reality Television

Posted on October 26, 2011

“Holy life change,” says Rachel. “Once I looked in Schuyler’s eyes, I was like, I can’t do anything anymore.” She says this in the same breath where she informs us that she’s returning to work. She can juggle these two contradictory ideas through a unique and well thought out plan which stuns us with its intricacy:  “I”m just gonna take Schuyler everywhere.”

Mandana is overseeing the look book shoot for Rachel’s collection and Rachel is coming in to show off her baby and make Mandana feel like she’s doing everything wrong.  Mandana informs us, with the wild-eyed stare of the truly brainwashed, “The thought of her ever being disappointed with me is not something I ever want to experience.” Rachel promptly shows up with her baby, ignores Mandana, and announces to everyone that Schuyler hasn’t pooped or burped, two words Rachel has never uttered before. Joey, sensing another opportunity to ass kiss, gushes that Schuyler is the most beautiful baby in the history of babies. Mandana runs around frantically styling looks like they’re about to blow any second, while Rachel flirts with Brian Atwood and informs everyone that her boobs really hurt.

Later, Jeremiah arrives at the offices of Zoe Worldwide International. For no reason except a burning need to share her pain with someone, Mandana blurts out that she hasn’t seen her husband since she got married. Then she tells Jeremiah that everybody loves the nursery. He makes cutesy faces and squeezes his pecs together in response, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Mandana drops it. They’re going to have a store-in-store setup in Bloomngdale’s, a development that causes the entire cast to utter “store-in-store” 40 more times in the next hour. Because of his superior pec-squeezing skills, as well his tendency to do anything he’s told to do, they want Jeremiah to design it. “You really captured the essence of Rachel, which is really hard to do,” says Mandana. As far as we could tell, “the essence of Rachel” is “buy every high end white piece of furniture in the Los Angeles area,” but to each his own. After agreeing to take on the project, Jeremiah makes more cutesy faces and listens to Mandana’s stirring speech imploring him to excellence: “Dude, you can’t fuck this up.”

Rachel sings a lullaby to the baby about french fries. Rodger attempts to tell a bedtime story but peters out just after “Once upon a time…” Rachel microdirects him and takes over, telling the baby a story about a prince who loves Missoni.

Jeremiah makes a presentation to Mandana for his store-in-store plans. She asks for shorter chairs, which prompts him to panic and worry if he’ll get fired. She shoots down his credenza idea. He worries he’ll get fired for suggesting a credenza. She doesn’t like his layout and worries of “two fat husbands” sitting among their beautiful collection. He worries his “two fat husbands” plan will get him fired. Basically, Jeremiah just worries about getting fired a lot.

Later, Jeremiah is table shopping! It’s not as simple as changing a hemline on a dress, he tells us. He’s stressing out! But then he buys one. Scintillating drama.

Back at Zoe Manor, more tense, riveting drama.  Rachel feeds the baby. He needs a burping. Rachel won’t share the baby with Rodger, but then she does. And then the baby burps. “‘I’m the Baby Whisperer,” says Rodger proudly as Rachel marvels at his ability to make babies burp. Then they pick out clothing for the baby. “He’s like a little French prince baby,” she argues when rodger mentions that he dresses him like a girl. She shows him his maje Gucci loafers, he pictures wrestling t-shirts in his future. “What’s a wrestling t-shirt?” asks Rachel.

It’s the day of the store-in-store installation at Bloomingdale’s and Jeremiah has to build walls and wire electricity and paint and weave a rug and upholster chairs and melt glass to make a tabletop – and he only has a half hour to do it all! Then some interns show up. But his chairs have not been delivered! Mandana calls to tell him that she’s coming with Rachel at 1:30. Then his chairs arrive! Jeremiah can’t believe it! He’s so excited and thankful over the wonder of furniture delivery that he takes off his shirt.

Back in the RachelMobile, Mandana frantically expresses her hope that Jeremiah doesn’t fuck this up. Rusty, the baby nurse, purses her lips in disapproval at these ridiculous white people and their potty mouths.

Arriving at Bloomingdales, Rachel seems a little underwhelmed. “I’m a little freaked out,” she says. Why is she freaked out? Because there’s only one chair. Then Jeremiah puts ANOTHER chair next to it! Rachel is happy again! The Bloomingdales Visual Manager comes over to examine the setup, queens out all over Rachel, and declares that it looks great. Then they all call the executive vice president of something and force him to tell her that it also looks great, even though he’s on the phone and can’t see it. He then mentions that every Bloomingdale’s in the world will from now on be called “RACHEL ZOE R US” and everyone cheers and claps.  Jeremiah cries. Rachel tells him “You’re my everything. I can’t with you.” Somewhere, Joey is seething.

Later, Rodger and Rachel have a barbecue for Team Zoe to thank them for all their hard work and to serve them Rachel’s “famous salami recipe,” which looks revolting. Because who needs bonuses when you can have salami drenched in some sort of jelly? Sensing yet ANOTHER opportunity to kiss ass, Joey blurts out, “I gag for Rachel’s salami!” Apparently, that’s a compliment. Rodger, looking stupid in his little hat, yells at everyone for eating the salami and then gets annoyed with them for not taking grilling seriously. Later, he gets up and toasts them all for humoring him and allowing himself to think that they give a shit what he says. Then he cries because they all laugh at him. To feel manly, he offers Jeremiah a job. Jeremiah also cries. And squeezes his pecs together. Rachel gets up and cries too, which is making this barbecue look suspiciously like the final dinner in a suicide cult. “I’m living in a dream,” says Rachel, before erupting with tears. Apparently it’s a bad dream. Rachel runs down all her accomplishments over the past year, which is somehow limited to everything she did while cameras were on her for her reality television program. “I wouldn’t change anything about my life right now,” she tells everyone. Does this mean next season we’re going to see even more baby and Rodger drama? Because we’d change that, Rachel.

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