The A-List: Hen Among the Cocks!

Posted on July 26, 2011

That’s right, ladies! Those vapid famewhores are BACK and we’re just the bitches to make them all cry!

Our saga opens in a darkened, more than likely otherwise empty bar, where our heroines are all gathered tightly around a table. Things seem intense. Words are shouted out, but often don’t make sense. “SHOES FIT TO HER!” We are confused. What is happening? Why is the music pounding like we’re in an action movie instead of scripted reality show? Who’s their little drag queen friend who keeps inserting herself into the conversation? Austin is braying like a donkey at top volume, Derek is shrieking like a howler monkey,  and Roidney still talks like he’s got a mouthful of stew he doesn’t want to swallow, so there was a lot of need for subtitles. The music gets louder, the screen goes red, everyone screams “AUSTIN!” and we’re prepared for the moment when they all die in the impending explosion (more than ready), when the screen goes to black.

“THREE DAYS EARLIER”

Non-linear narrative, darlings! How edgy! It’s like Rashomon except with subtitles that make  no sense.

Austin and whatever the hell his doormat husband’s name is come from the gym. Austin honks and brays some words at his husband but they’re even more pointless than usual. He celebrates the end of his workout by having a beer. Derek shows up and they shriek like banshees.  “My best friend is here!” reads Austin, off his script pages. They call each other “pookie” and rub noses; we quietly vomit into buckets we purchased for just this occasion. We even decorated them with glitter and rainbows. The girls decide to compare their career trajectories. “I’m going to pose for Playgirl!” honks Austin. “I quit my job and I’m starting a tanning line!” shrieks Derek. “These whores are lazy assholes!” shout T Lo in unison. Then they move onto the next topic: Mike’s career. The unemployed tanning line entrepreneur and pretend Playgirl model roll their eyes in disapproval at the only person in their entire social circle who actually has a career.  Normally we’d be right there with them at the thought of something so ridiculous as a “t-shirt launch party,” but neither of them are in any position to roll their eyes at anyone else’s vapid, attention-seeking, delusional pursuits.

Cut to a very long, lingering shot of the sign outside Ryan’s hair-burning shop, which conveniently also has the phone number on it. Ryan dashes through the streets like a more feminine Mary Tyler Moore and sashays his way into the shop.  TJ is bouncing in his seat like a hyperactive toddler. In front of a “customer,” (underemployed actor/friend of a castmember or crew member/production assistant), TJ excitedly calls Ryan over to loudly show him pictures of Reichen’s dick on the internet. Ryan pulls an Aunt Pittypat and goes pale. She slumps into a sitting position and fans herself. No one in the Ladies Auxiliary known as the Manhattan gay social scene has ever heard of such a filthy, disturbing thing! She stands up, straightens herself out and goes from Aunt Pittypat to Miss Scarlett immediately. Smoothing out her crinolines, she crisply informs TJ that “Your job is booking blowouts and foils, girl,” before immediately apologizing to the “customer” and heading to the powder room to have her first real good cry of the morning.

Cut to Mike and Reichen grunting and flexing at each other around a pool in the Hamptons. Reichen informs us slowly that it’s “My place for the summer,” which means ” a friend or acquaintance of the producer let us use the pool for the summer so long as we don’t come inside the house.” Ryan shows up, puts down her purse, crosses her legs, bats her freshly curled eyelashes and innocently asks Reichen, “How’s Rodiney?” Reichen slowly informs them that Rodiney has moved out. Ryan and Mike encourage him to keep using his words. “It’s hard.” He tells them. They prod him further. “It’s just really hard.”  Ryan and Mike nod sagely and try not to laugh. See, this is why we don’t want to be on any list, A or otherwise; because this is the exact moment where one of us would have piped up with “Speaking of hard, Reichen, I saw your little dick on the internet!” But that’s just us. Reichen takes the opportunity to tell them himself. “I don’t know how to say this,” he moos. PUH-LEEZE, girl. When are these bitches going to stop acting like whacking it on the internet with someone who’s not your boyfriend isn’t exactly shocking amongst our kind? You don’t have to approve of it, but let’s not pretend this is something that calls for pearl-clutching. He tells the whole shockingly sordid tale to Mike and Ryan, who pretend that they don’t have computers or access to the internet. Ryan purses his lips, narrows his eyes at the camera, and spews some horseshit about not wanting to let Reichen know he already knew because it would “embarrass” Reichen. We have to pause the show for a moment while we stop laughing. Honey, we don’t know how to tell you this, but your little mooing friend in the pool was born without a dignity gland and thus is incapable of feeling embarrassment. This is why he’s on a TV show talking about the picture of his taint on the internet. This is why he attempts to sing in public.

Cut to Mike’s studio, where he informs us he’s shooting a “coffee table” book of “just really beautiful men” half-naked. Mike has apparently never been in one of those bookstores that sell rainbow suncatchers and little teddy bears in leather gear because he acts like this is a new idea. Mike’s new partner Martin shows up and it’s EXTREMELY disconcerting to see two grown men with more grey hair than the entire first season cast of Golden Girls acting like two lovesick teenagers. “You’re the love of my life, ” says Martin into Mike’s neck, in front of cameras.

Rodiney shows up with his mouth full of marbles. According to Mike, Rodiney has been doing “gangbusters as a model.” Define “gangbusters,” for us, Mike. Rodiney tells us something-something. He’s smiling when he says it, but the honking is almost completely impossible to interpret. He feels like he “run dis see” which the subtitles helpfully inform us is actually “run this city.” Later, after Mike once again takes pictures of Roidney in his underwear, not even the subtitle people could make sense of his gurglings: “YOU AMAAAAAAAZE, BROTHER!”

So this Nyasha chick gets a major entrance and our ennui is threatening to engulf us like a tsunami. We are SO not feeling the addition of girl energy to the proceedings. Turns out, Nyasha is a sassy black girl who, from what we can tell, is a professional fruit fly. There are almost as many of them in NY as there are gays and they’re all trying to sell their latest appearance or “single” on the pages of Next, just before you get to the escort listings.  She informs us she’s got a single coming out called “Pride.” Did we call that or what? Mike looks uncomfortable and unconvincingly informs the camera that she’s “got it going on” When pressed by offscreen recent film school graduates to expand on what, exactly it is about her that led him to say that, he can only point out her Louis Vuitton boots, politely declining to mention the unending stream of bullshit flying out of her mouth. Mike invites her to his “T-shirt launch party.” Say “I’m  having a T-shirt launch party.” Really. Say that out loud. Isn’t that the stupidest thing you’ve ever said?

Anyway,  Nyasha rolls her neck and snaps her fingers and spews a hilarious volume of bullshit at the camera. “People most know me internationally as an ambassador of the continent of Africa.” Later, she goes to a Malaysian designer for an African look and chooses an ugly dress that is neither. Later still, we see her recording her dance single, which sounds exactly like every song blared from every Pride float for the last 20 years. She can’t remember the lyrics, which is funny, because no one actually listens to the words anyway. This is music for guys in jockstraps to dance to, honey. You could sing the directions on a bottle of Tylenol and they’d still love it. She tells us that “what pays the bills” is her wig and extensions company and we almost believe that she might be some sort of successful entrepreneur. Then we remember what show she’s on.

Rodiney is moving out and Reichen collapses on the bed, exhausted from trying to get a synapse to fire. He says to the camera:  “I.. well, let me gather me thoughts.” He never does. Later, he complains that while rodiney was packing his things, he “seemed distant.”  HE’S MOVING OUT, YOU MORON.

Derek cuts in to quickly say something nasty about both Rodiney and Reichen. Derek’s face looks a little … funny, wouldn’t you say, girls? Like it hasn’t entirely settled in from … something?

Cut back to Reichen on the bed, trying to have a moment: “Boo-hoo. Boo-hoo-hoo. Boo. Hoo. Hey, I’ll call you later about going to Mike’s party tonight.”

Annnd scene.

Derek cuts back in to predict that Reichen will have the next man in his bed in ten minutes. His eyes look suddenly like they’re too far apart.

Later, Austin, Ryan, and Derek try on clothes together. Ryan is appalled that Austin is outside his dressing room without pants on. He apparently can’t see Derek standing right next to him wearing Little Nell’s  tap pants. Ryan and Derek take this moment to tell Austin he’s obese and they’re concerned his disgusting corpulence will cause Playgirl to go out of business.  “Are you going to … frontal?” asks Ryan delicately, as she flips open her compact to check her makeup. Austin switches the topic from his enormously fat body to his hatred of Rodiney. We’ve gotta give Derek and Ryan a little credit here, because they totally punctured Austin’s delusions that Reichen is some sort of friend to him. Austin honks, all evidence notwithstanding, that he’s a grown man and doesn’t need to be told how to act.

It’s standing room only at Mike’s T-shirt launch party. No, really. There’s a step-and-repeat and everything. Nyasha shows up and is inappropriate with everyone almost immediately. Austin, Derek and Ryan are inappropriate back by immediately badmouthing Rodiney. “Maybe we’ll be friends,” Derek tells her, as if it’s a long drawn-out process to be included in Derek’s exclusive circle of friends. Girl, you accept money to pretend friend people on camera. You’re a friend-whore. Stop pretending like it’s something she’s gonna have to work for.  Austin stumbles over and honk-asks her if she does “white women hair.” Nyasha rolls her neck and snaps her fingers in response. Derek thinks she’s far too forthcoming, which is gauche when you’re surrounded by such luminaries as an unemployed nudie model, an unemployed tanning line entrepreneur, and a hairdresser. . “The personality does not match the exterior,” honks Austin, trying desperately to sound like he has some sort of standards. Then they all act like they’re thrilled she’s coming to the after-party and shriek and put new stickers on their Trapper Keepers.

At the after-party – BECAUSE THERE IS AN AFTER PARTY FOR A T-SHIRT LAUNCH (although it’s really just another empty bar) – Reichen sits down with Nyasha and immediately fills her in on his entire dating history with Rodiney and what a mess Austin is. Nyasha urges Austin to: “Sit down. Have the balls. I want to hear your side too.” These people are complete social morons. They all sit around a table, inches away from each other, and talk about how much they all dislike each other to a total stranger who acts like she’s Oprah, except with longer nails and cheaper wigs. Somehow, things shift to Derek who goes from calm to FLIPPING THE FUCK OUT at Rodiney in the space of about 15 seconds. It’s really frightening. The little veins in his neck stand out and he sounds like an animal drowning. Through subtitles and rewinding, we piece together that Rodiney made a passive-aggressive crack about Derek’s mother on Facebook. YOU ASSHOLES ARE FIGHTING OVER STUFF THAT HAPPENED ON FACEBOOK. At this point, we’re praying that someone from the wait staff accidentally drops a tray of flaming drinks on them all. TJ wisely takes the food away from the table and puts on a helmet. Then, the shocking moment we’ve all been waiting for: Austin reaches for Rodiney’s arm and accidentally hits Nyasha in the wrist. Nyasha has learned a valuable fruitfly lesson: Girl, don’t you EVER get in the middle of some pissed-off queens. She’s lucky her wig was still on her head. Nyasha doesn’t take time to ponder the lesson, however, because it’s now her turn to FLIP THE FUCK OUT at Austin. She apparently picked up some of Rodiney’s smack-talking skills, because she screams the incomprehensible “I WILL FUCKING DICK YOU!!!!!!” at Austin.

Hey, if this is the after-party to Mike’s T-shirt launch, where’s Mike?

Anyway, Nyasha gets thrown out of the bar, TJ takes off his helmet and enjoys some delicious nachos, and Reichen stupidly (redundant) says “Happy Summer, everybody!”

Later, Nyasha and Reichen meet for coffee in a restaurant with at least two other people in it, but we’re pretty sure they work there. At the very least, they’re unemployed actors.  Nyasha’s hand is bandaged but clearly the producers decided it was a bit much for the scene because it’s never referred to. No, really. Check the beginning of the scene again. The right hand, which she keeps under the table during the entire scene, is wrapped in a bandage. Could it be that Nyasha is perhaps too much of an attention whore for even the producers of this show? Anyway,  they sit and talk about the previous event as if they’re speaking to someone who wasn’t there. Reichen tells Nyasha everything Austin  said about her behind her back and then Nyasha tells Reichen everything that Austin said about him behind his back. Then they both unconvincingly declare him “irrelevant” Honey, if you have to arrange a lunch meeting just to talk about how much you hate someone, that person may be a lot of things, but he ain’t irrelevent; not to you.

Austin calls Nyasha. “How did you get my number?” OH PLEASE. We’d love it if Austin replied “From the producer of our reality show.” They arrange to meet to hash out the details of what happened the last time they met. Seriously. We’re gonna need a new word for “vapid.” Nyasha shows up without her bandage and cops a massive attitude. “All of your friends don’t like you,” she informs Austin, who blinks stupidly (redundant) at her but informs the camera that he’s rubber and she’s glue. “People who have known you for years say how much they despise you,” she continues, and just this once, we wish Austin would demonstrate just a little bit of gay wit or fierceness and come back with some kind of wicked put down for this bitch who thinks WAAAAAY too highly of herself. We didn’t think it was possible, but there is someone on this earth who can read Austin for filth, and instead of cheering her on, we’re urging Austin to throw his drink in her face and tell her her wig looks flammable. Instead he lets her get all pissed-off sassy black girl in his face and as we all know, gay men are COMPLETELY powerless against that. If there’s one type of person who can get a self-absorbed gay man to sit down and shut the fuck up, it’s a pissed off sassy black girl in a wig and 5-inch heels. It’s a shame she’s so unlikable because normally, she’d be our hero.

[Screencaps: tomandlorenzo.com]

  • http://visceralresponse.com Dina dV

    How generous to credit the producers with knowing about Rashomon, but that open was straight up, season premiere Bad Girls Club.  And while I should be ashamed to admit that I even KNOW what a straight up, season premiere of the Bad Girls Club actually looks like…I thought I’d share.

    Also, I think I remember the t-shirt launch party when it occurred and while it wasn’t mentioned, I think the t-shirts are for the Ali Forney Center, it’s not just Mike’s line. It got mentioned in passing during the episode, but them being douchey about the party was extra super douchey since it was actually a fundraiser for a homeless facility for LGBT youth.

  • Anonymous

    Tiny typo: “Derk cuts in to quickly say something nasty about both Ryan and Reichen.” 
    The thing I love about your blog is how I don’t have to actually watch the shows you guys write about, because your posts are hilarious on their own.  I can’t wait for your recaps of PR, as they are usually the only thing interesting (though I might watch it this season out of masochism).
    Random question: what do you guys think of 1 Girl 5 Gays?  It’s the only non-Rupaul original programming on Logo that I can stand.  It doesn’t really have a narrative to lend itself to recaps, but I’d love to hear what you think of it.

  • Anonymous

    yay! the tlo-list is back! its the tlo-list because no one actually bothers with the a-list, but these write-ups are pure gold!

    • http://profiles.google.com/dwight.lake Dwight Lake

      btw love the screen name hun lol

    • Anonymous

      Yes, I’m thinking that LOGO should just cancel the show and replace it with James Earl Jones & Mario Cantone doing a dramatic reading of Tlo’s synopsis.

      Barring that, whenever the show is re-run, it should run with thought bubbles written by Tlo, edited in (ala that old PopUp Video show on VH1).–GothamTomato

    • Anonymous

      Yes, I’m thinking that LOGO should just cancel the show and replace it with James Earl Jones & Mario Cantone doing a dramatic reading of Tlo’s synopsis.

      Barring that, whenever the show is re-run, it should run with thought bubbles written by Tlo, edited in (ala that old PopUp Video show on VH1).–GothamTomato

  • http://profiles.google.com/trashilove { edi } ilovetrash

    {i hope i am not the first commenter, as my comment is pretty tangential.}

    i had no idea til i read this that playgirl still existed. if you hadnt noticed it, it seriously seems like, you know, of its time, very very semi-controversial 1973, etc & ect. but if you wanna read an inadvertently hysterical wikipedia page, by all means:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Playgirl
    particularly fun to read, as well as written, w/ the straightest of faces {equally inadvertent pun now utterly intentional} are remarks about “the infamous non-nude year” & the staff’s glacial coming to terms, sort of, w/ who, precisely, makes up its readership.

    fab, thanx.

  • Anonymous

    I read all the way through that. All of it. Smiling and chortling. You guys are gooood.

    That’s really just one show? That is a LOT of non-happening pointlessness. Of course, non-linear narrative because, apparently, one could scramble the scenes at random and lose little narrative drive and less in the way of coherence.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_HBS4KWJ6XTPDEL2JMD37ZS5YHA Ben

    I dare anyone else on television to take the title “The Most Insufferable People” from this cast. And those guys need to hire better stylists because they dress awful. 

    • Anonymous

      It’s like they have no powers of self-evaluation or sold them to the show’s producers, right?  In dress, mannerisms, treatment of each other and presentation of their own careers and interests – it’s just as if they have no critical faculties at ALL when they view themselves.

    • MilaXX

      Oh honey you aren’t watching enough reality tv if you think these guys, clueless though they may be, are the most insufferable. I think the cast of Basketball Wives or Real Housewives of New Jersey  could easily give them a run for the money.

      • http://theskippyreview.wordpress.com/ Skippy

        I see your RHoNJ and raise you this season of Big Brother. 

        • MilaXX

          heh! I don’t watch Big Brother so I can’t say, but this seasons premiere episode of RHONJ had a brawl at a baby’s christening and the BBW’s got into a fight at a restaurant while in Italy and then dressed like hookers to go see the Colosseum.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_HBS4KWJ6XTPDEL2JMD37ZS5YHA Ben

    I dare anyone else on television to take the title “The Most Insufferable People” from this cast. And those guys need to hire better stylists because they dress awful. 

  • Anonymous

    Tlo said Nysha said:  “People most know me internationally as an ambassador of the continent of Africa.”

    Funny, that’s what people know ME as.

    –GothamTomato

  • Anonymous

    Tlo said Nysha said:  “People most know me internationally as an ambassador of the continent of Africa.”

    Funny, that’s what people know ME as.

    –GothamTomato

  • Anonymous

    See, this is why we don’t want to be on any list, A or otherwise;
    because this is the exact moment where one of us would have piped up
    with “Speaking of hard, Reichen, I saw your little dick on the
    internet!” But that’s just us. Reichen takes the opportunity to tell
    them himself. “I don’t know how to say this,” he moos.

    I haven’t even gotten beyond this point, and I can’t stop laughing.

  • Gregg Clare

    Dammit. Now I gotta watch this.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_MN3NQ262BP3YF2RQJ4DYQQBDMA Shalia

      No, you don’t.  Trust any of us who tried to watch this drivel the first season…  TLo are sacrificing themselves for their bitter kittens so we don’t have to sit thru this crap.  It’s terrible.  It’s even more vapid than they can describe in the recap.  The only things worth watching for are far better said by TLo and you don’t lose an hour of your life to it.  Trust me!  Don’t do it!  Just enjoy the recaps and be glad that TLo are sacrificing themselves for you.

      • Anonymous

        You speak truth.

      • Anonymous

        Shalia speaks the truth!!! The recaps are 900 billion times more entertaining than watching the show (and the entire time I attempted watching one episode, I just kept thinking “Wait, what did TLo say about THIS scene?”)

      • Anonymous

        I love reading anything TLo write, but with this show, my eyes even glaze over about 1/2 way through reading the TLo synopsis.  So, watching the show must be like a self-lobotomy.  Thanks for your sacrifices for us Bitter Kittens/Unborn Fawns, TLo!

    • Anonymous

      The only reason to watch,really, is to recognize the sacrifice TLo are making for us, their minions.

      Unless you have a group of friends want to invent a drinking game guaranteed  to end in universal oblivion in under an hour. I suggest: each player picks a character.Everytime your character says or does something that makes you wish a hand would come in from stage left and smack them in the head, take a drink.

  • Anonymous

    I am not watching “The A-List” this season, but I am definitely reading your recaps!!! XOXOX

  • http://profiles.google.com/dwight.lake Dwight Lake

    I’ve just decided not to bother watching this show this season. Your version has far superior writing and acting. ^_^

  • MilaXX

    okay let’s see
    Reichen – still a stupid block of meat who can’t grasp the concept of fidelity – whatev
    Mike – You boyfriend look like your long lost twin and it’s kinda creepy
    Derek – Girl I don’t know what you did, but you look odd. Also? You are a mama’s boy. SHUT. UP.
    Ryan – You lost a little weight and seem to have toned down the Tin tin looking hair a bit.
    TJ – I still think you are a cutie, but if working w/ Ryan is stressing you, get a new job & SHUT.UP.
    Rodiney – Whatev, mumbles
    Austin – You are still a hot mess and I loved seeing you get read.
    Nyasha – You’ll fit right in with this bunch of phoney’s. I read on another blog she was a judge of one of those kiddie pagent shows, sooooo, yeah. How someone with such a busted weave is making bank on a weave/wig company boggles the mind. My own personal theory about the hand bandage is she probably had an infection from those fake nails. I did enjoy her smackdown of Austin, but I’m sure I’ll be hating her by next week.

    • Anonymous

      I knew I recognized that weave! Nyasha is a kiddie pageant judge on Little Miss Perfect on WE….yes, I’m ashamed to have watched, but seeing those little kids with fake horse teeth or ‘flippers’ is just like crack to me.

  • Anonymous

    Absolutely right, boys:  “I’m having a t-shirt launch party” really IS the stupidest thing I’ve ever said.  Ever!  Thanks for the recap, otherwise I’d have to actually, y’know, watch this shit, and heavens knows I can’t stomach that.  (He says, clutching his pearls.)

  • Anonymous

    This show sounds like the dregs of Logo programming but the thing I hate most about it? The way the promos cut off 1/2 the screen during RuPaul’s Drag Race!!! 

    • Anonymous

      Isn’t that awful?!  I don’t think I’ve ever seen one of those annoying as hell crawls take up quite so much screen as this one.  It took up so much of the screen during a recent ep of 1G5G that you literally couldn’t see the person talking.

  • aussiegal77

    I’ve never watched a minute of this show, have no idea who is in it and why and I only read your recaps because it is laugh out loud hilarious.  I seriously LOVE you two mofos.  If God is willing – I will get to meet you one day and will happily let you judge me immediately.

    “He says to the camera:  “I.. well let me gather me thoughts.” He never does.”  Bloody brilliant.

    Looking forward to the next recap!

  • aussiegal77

    P.S. I don’t know why…….maybe it’s because I only know 3 gay men personally……but I always pictured gay men to be noble and awesome like Tim Gunn.  Full of winsome wit, sage insights and can accessorise like it’s their job.  THESE gay men are puncturing my dreams.  Please make them go away.

  • aussiegal77

    P.S. I don’t know why…….maybe it’s because I only know 3 gay men personally……but I always pictured gay men to be noble and awesome like Tim Gunn.  Full of winsome wit, sage insights and can accessorise like it’s their job.  THESE gay men are puncturing my dreams.  Please make them go away.

    • Anonymous

      Oh, honey, let this middle aged broad from the hicks of Kentucky disabuse you now about the range of gayness and literateness (okay, speaking of illiterate, is that a word???)

      • Anonymous

        Or literacy.  (I only respond since you asked, honey–no offense.)

        • Anonymous

          And so goes the problem of humor on the web.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=685138533 Seth Stewart

      Oh. Oh no. Honey. That’s like saying you expect all black women to be like Della Reese on Touched By An Angel. Even positive generalizations are kinda gross.

  • http://www.myblackfriendsays.com myblackfriendsays

    I was wondering if you two were going to blog about this show this season, since you seemed to thoroughly despise it. My tivo hasn’t recorded the premiere yet, but once I watch it–I am eager to come back and read what y’all have to say.

  • http://twitter.com/kevinpdx314 Kevin McHargue

    Extremely funny recap. One minor quibble: an “oxymoron” is an internally contradictory phrase. Saying that Reichen or Austin do something stupidly isn’t an oxymoron, it’s a redundancy.

    • http://www.tomandorenzo.com Tom and Lorenzo

      Oops. Long day.

  • Anonymous

    Bahahahahahahahaha! Thank you thank you T & Lo. I literally  have not laughed this hard in ages! My husband came out of the other room to make sure I wasn’t going to hyperventilate. …”Reichen collapses on the bed, exhausted from trying to get a synapse to fire.” Perfect! And true. 

    This show is of the same quality I imagine “Storage Wars” (which I just found out is an actual show) to be. But the TLo recaps are priceless!

    • sweetlilvoice

      Storage Wars is actually funny and strangely addicting…..I got stuck watching it one weekend. Parking Wars is even better. :)
       

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_MTQDDNGCATNG35HFKWDWGY4HYM Michael Smith

    Thank you. I watched the show and felt sorry for myself afterward that I couldn’t get that hour of my life back. Reading your recap was priceless!

  • Robert Sanchez

    Thank God you guys break down this show, because I can’t bring myself to actually watch it myself. Your recaps are surely wittier than anything that transpires onscreen. 

    “She tells us that ‘what pays the bills’ is her wig and extensions
    company and we almost believe that she might be some sort of successful
    entrepreneur. Then we remember what show she’s on.”

    LOL

  • Anonymous

    I love your commentary. I think i might actually watch this. lol Although I watched last year and started to bemoan my existence that I do not fit with the stereotype. Yes I want to become a stereotype because that is the only way I somewhat feel I will be able to attract someone to date. Yes it is horrible that I want to and feel that I need to be like them to attract someone. However, my personality refuses to become this, although I do need to loose weight.

    • http://www.tomandorenzo.com Tom and Lorenzo

      Sweetie, no. Do not look at this show as a guide to how you’re supposed to be. That would be awful.

      • Anonymous

        I wish I could have you as gay uncles. lol This also intersects with my need to please just about everyone and really low self-esteem on the matters of academics, which it shouldn’t be despite graduating from a very good college. 

        • Anonymous

          If you need role models, just keep your eye on T and Lo (with an occasional fond glance toward Professor Gunn and Auntie Ru). Between them, they’ll teach you everything you ever need to know about how to be. And simply reading (and loving) TLo proves that your intelligence is of a high quality. [In all seriousness, I find that RuPaul's Drag Race is fantastic for my own personal self-esteem. I recommend it to pretty much everyone I meet].

        • Anonymous

          If you need role models, just keep your eye on T and Lo (with an occasional fond glance toward Professor Gunn and Auntie Ru). Between them, they’ll teach you everything you ever need to know about how to be. And simply reading (and loving) TLo proves that your intelligence is of a high quality. [In all seriousness, I find that RuPaul's Drag Race is fantastic for my own personal self-esteem. I recommend it to pretty much everyone I meet].

        • Ted Kane

          If you need a role model, you could start with any gay who has the sense not to star in a scripted reality show, especially one about gay so-called A-listers.  That leaves a lot of people.  Also, please note that the guys on the A-list don’t really have such great success dating.

        • Ted Kane

          If you need a role model, you could start with any gay who has the sense not to star in a scripted reality show, especially one about gay so-called A-listers.  That leaves a lot of people.  Also, please note that the guys on the A-list don’t really have such great success dating.

    • http://profiles.google.com/shannonlstewart Shannon Stewart

      Neil Patrick Harris.  If you want to emulate a famous gay (which I really don’t recommend anyway, because it’s better to be the full-on, best version of yourself than a pale imitation of someone else), shoot for NPH.  Funny, handsome, charming, talented, and he appears to be a damn nice guy, too.  And he seems to understand the concept of commitment.  In short, the exact opposite of these vapid twits. 

      That said, there are an awful lot of gay men — I’d even say the majority — who aren’t interested in the stereotype.  I mean, would you really want to date someone like these morons?  No.  (Trust me, it’s a no) 

  • Anonymous

    The A List is back? Oh no, this is a sign of the apocalypse! Damn! However, if anyone can write about the upcoming apocalypse, it’s TLo! Woot!

  • Anonymous

    Oh my god. Literal, actual tears on my face from laughing so hard. If i had any money at all (I currently have NO income! none!) I would be stuffing it all in the tip jar, which is, I hope, also covered in glitter and unicorn stickers. I LOVE YOU, TLo. And I appreciate the sacrifice you make so others of us don’t have to (I tried watching an episode of this show last season, and made it almost to the end. almost.). HUZZAH!

  • Anonymous

    So… after suffering through the indignity of having watched the first season (and being confident that the final episode would consist of them all turning to the camera and yelling, “We gotcha!  It’s all fake!” which sadly didn’t happen), I was about to turn this off when instead I started taking notes.

    Austin:  Would you PLEASE throw away that 2xist black square-cut tank top?  You’re on TV, honey, and we’ve seen it.  Plus, it’s not flattering.

    Mike:  So your ‘life partner’ who you met a year ago is now your lover, roommate, business partner, agent, and whatever…  And he just happens to look EXACTLY like you  (only a little smaller).  That is the ultimate masturbation.  I’m glad you had your T-shirt launch at Tagg, though- must be the most traffic that overpriced tacky place has seen since it opened.

    Nyyashha- until the boys came up with ‘Nausea’ (I’m sure not by themselves), I was calling her ‘Whoareya’.  Really?  Your claim to fame is being a past “Miss Africa USA”?  Is that really a thing?  Huh.  Your wig is worse than your social skills.

    TJ- whatever.

    Ryan- seems to be the only one who watched himself on TV and was appalled (not the only one) and is trying his best so far to not be an ass.  Losing the Kewpie-doll hair was a good start, though his plastic botox-head is still there.  I’d bet money that we won’t see his husband or child (whatever happened there?) again.  

    Derek- you really need to get over… well, everything.  Honey, no one cares.

    ‘Reichen’ (aka Richard):  Oh, please.  Broadcasting on Cam4 is NOT “going on cam with A guy”.  It’s going on cam with whoever has a computer.  Any one could have recorded your weird-looking dick (I’m ashamed to say I looked at the pics when the ‘scandal’ broke).

    Roidney: I’m glad that all of your calendars are going well.  How many are you doing this year?

  • http://twitter.com/#!/Space_Kitty Space Kitty

    We need to find a way to MST3K your recaps over this show.  You girls would  collapse under the weight of your Emmy’s.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Trevor-Scott/569555595 Trevor Scott

    And THAT, people, is what death by a thousand cuts looks like. Bravo. 

  • Anonymous

    Hey, guys, those were Louboutin boots, not Louis Vuitton.  But I still love ya!

  • Anonymous

    Thank you TLo for blogging on this total apocalyptic mess…..as a friend said last year — “One episode undoes all the work Queer Eye did.”

    That said, I was convinced the first three minutes of Rashomon were actually the end of last season..but I couldn’t figure out who the chick was.

    PS — Looking forward to TJ drama….he’s the only one I can tolerate, but now that he is having problems with Ryan….who knows what might happen.

  • http://profiles.google.com/dchockeyguy Trevor Burroughs

    Dear TLo-
    Thank you so much for saving us from having to watch this show.  Your recaps are beyond hysterical. I’ve never made it through more than 15 minutes total of this show, and I’m reminded why.  I hope you’re able to keep this energy level up for the whole season.  As thanks, should you ever make it to DC, tell me, and I’ll make a cake or other dessert for you.

  • Anonymous

    Nyasha is insufferable, which is truly saying something while on the cast with people such as Derek, Austin and Reichen.  I don’t even understand WHY she’d be on the show, but the fact she is basically the female version of Austin in annoyance quotient, is making this season even WORSE than last season.  I totally noticed the bandage on the wrist that was somehow never brought up and that is not a good sign of what an over the top attn whore this woman REALLY is. 

    I loved how TJ and Ryan went and got Nachos instead of sitting around the table O drama at the after party (which Mike was curiously not at). 

    I actually smiled at how giddy Mike seemed to be with his new partner, new love is fabulous.

    I also felt the reason why Roidney was so cold during the “move out” is because he had “moved out” months ago and this was purely staged.

    I don’t know why I watch this show other than so I can see the show before I read your recaps!

  • http://theskippyreview.wordpress.com/ Skippy

    Wow.  Instead of acknowledging the existence of black gay men (or other gay men of color aside from the “exotic” Rodiney), they go the route of The Sassy Black Woman.  I guess I should be grateful they don’t have any black gay men on the show, lest they merely be the Mandingo chasing after Reich(en).  TLo, you both should draw hazard pay for watching this crapfest.

  • sweetlilvoice

    Love the recap! Thanks for sparing me having to watch this crap.

  • Anonymous

    I have no doubt here that reading your re-cap was far more entertaining than watching the show. Which brings me to a question…. What the hell show is this? I think I missed something…

  • Anonymous

    There is no way in Hades this show is half as riveting as your recaps! Thank you for sparing me the brain cells I’d lose from direct exposure to this mess. As a black woman I can only sigh sigh and sigh again at the addition of yet another fast talking, neck rolling, bad weave wearing, “I’m a professional!” proclaiming, screeching and scrapping like a 5th grader after school sista girl to the TV landscape.

  • http://phdoula.blogspot.com Rebecca

    DYING. Why yes, I did work last night, but I think I would have laughed just as hard if I had slept a little more recently. I was only excited about this show returning because you said your recaps would return too!

  • http://phdoula.blogspot.com Rebecca

    DYING. Why yes, I did work last night, but I think I would have laughed just as hard if I had slept a little more recently. I was only excited about this show returning because you said your recaps would return too!

  • Scott Hester-Johnson

    [Sigh. Deep Breath]

    First off, as I said on Facebook, this train wreck is what originally led me to TLo, so it holds a special place in my heart, but truly, this is some exhausting, phony shit.

    Granted, the entrance of Nyasha was completely and utterly ORGANIC (and totally reminiscent of how I have met all of my friends), but this season is already coming off as even more staged and choreographed than an Up With People show.

    Seriously, when (no-longer-Ginger-but-still-creepy) TJ arrives at Derek’s, it’s like he’s back on the set, asking Derek how he spent his hiatus. Shakespeare in the park? An indie movie?

    And when Mike calls his MikeClone his “life partner”, I nearly spit my coffee out. “Life partner”?! Really? In 2011? How about “significant other” or “roommate”, you irrelevant relic? Jesus H.

    Then (Pencil-Dick) Reichen says “I.. well, let me gather me thoughts.” I thought to myself, “Child, this show is only an hour long”.

    I will say that I have missed Rod-I-Ney. The term “doiwty” entered my repertoire last year and sadly remains in day-to-day usage around our house. Of course I’m the only one who gets the joke.

    Oh, and (no-longer-Ginger-but-still-creepy) TJ mincing down the street, smoking like a fucking Bette Davis impersonator, cause he just knows that camera is on. Priceless.

    Yes, my thoughts are disorganised and all over the map today, but between this dreck and the RHoNY Reunion Part 1, I sincerely think I have sustained brain trauma.

    Happy Anniversary TLo!

  • Scott Hester-Johnson

    [Sigh. Deep Breath]

    First off, as I said on Facebook, this train wreck is what originally led me to TLo, so it holds a special place in my heart, but truly, this is some exhausting, phony shit.

    Granted, the entrance of Nyasha was completely and utterly ORGANIC (and totally reminiscent of how I have met all of my friends), but this season is already coming off as even more staged and choreographed than an Up With People show.

    Seriously, when (no-longer-Ginger-but-still-creepy) TJ arrives at Derek’s, it’s like he’s back on the set, asking Derek how he spent his hiatus. Shakespeare in the park? An indie movie?

    And when Mike calls his MikeClone his “life partner”, I nearly spit my coffee out. “Life partner”?! Really? In 2011? How about “significant other” or “roommate”, you irrelevant relic? Jesus H.

    Then (Pencil-Dick) Reichen says “I.. well, let me gather me thoughts.” I thought to myself, “Child, this show is only an hour long”.

    I will say that I have missed Rod-I-Ney. The term “doiwty” entered my repertoire last year and sadly remains in day-to-day usage around our house. Of course I’m the only one who gets the joke.

    Oh, and (no-longer-Ginger-but-still-creepy) TJ mincing down the street, smoking like a fucking Bette Davis impersonator, cause he just knows that camera is on. Priceless.

    Yes, my thoughts are disorganised and all over the map today, but between this dreck and the RHoNY Reunion Part 1, I sincerely think I have sustained brain trauma.

    Happy Anniversary TLo!

  • http://profiles.google.com/suzy.wampler Suzy Wampler

    I watched the first 30 seconds of this ep & thought “Meh, this is hella annoying.  I’m just gonna read TLo’s recap instead.”

    And you boys did not disappoint & referenced Aunt PittyPat.  Luv u!! xoxo

  • Anonymous

    Oh me, oh my. I tried to watch this mess. I really, really tried. But 15 minutes in seemed like an hour. Ironing seemed like a better use of my time. I did it all while watching ‘That Girl!”. Love you Marlo!  Thank you for the recap. And look how great my shirts turned out. I look great today in a real Marshall Field kind of way.

    Now when does the Chris march show start? Now that is good television.

  • Anonymous

    This is such a pointless show. Anyway, I’m totally on team Austin. The whole wrist-slap incident was contrived, even more so than anything else going on. Adding her role to this series is just awkward.

  • Anonymous

    Great read guys!  I’m sure this is much funnier than the episode…which Logo hasn’t posted as of yet.  I’m looking forward to watching it and reading your weekly recaps this season!  Must do both to fully “appreciate” this show.   :)

    • Anonymous

      True, dat.  I started watching the show mainly because the recaps were so damned funny!  Logo owes TLo a few bux, I’d say.

  • Anonymous

    Now that Roidney’s moved out he should run away from this show as fast as possible. So glad you have recaps because there’s no way in hell I’m watching this. Thanks for taking one for the Bitter Kittens TLo.

  • Cheri Lee

    I seriously couldn’t even finish reading this because this show is so horrible.

  • Damien Washington

    Can I get a class action suit going to force them to remove “New York” from the show’s title? The damage these fictional reality actors are doing to my home is palpable.

  • http://twitter.com/AlexMonetti Alessandro Monetti

    FYI- Nyasha was wearing Christian Louboutin boots in her first scene (when she meets Mike & his ‘partner’), not Louis Vuitton

  • Anonymous

    Austin makes me think, “Gay W. Bush.”  Twangy, deeply stupid, inexplicably smug, nasty, drunk and wrong 100% of the time.

  • Anonymous

    I think they had to add the girl so all the girls watching the show had a target to feel nothing but contempt for.  I mean the boys are all vapid famewhores, but I can’t quite work up the vitriol you all can for them.  But I think I’ll have no problem being disgusted by this whore every single episode and look forward to the day she’s actually advertising in the escort section.