RZP: Fashion Solves Everything

Posted on October 05, 2011

Thank God we’re back to actual styling after last week’s ill-advised attempts to make Rodger seem interesting. For our money, you don’t even need events like the Oscars to make Rachel’s world look interesting. Just give her a rack of clothes and a table loaded with accessories and we’re good to go.

Rachel, because she’s “like, super-pregnant,” can’t find just the right outfit to make her look like a hooker wearing Chanel, which is apparently the goal. She informs Rodger that getting dressed used to take her ten minutes. His 5 straight minutes of derisive, incredulous laughter at this rewriting of history must have been cut out by the editors. Rachel is pissed because Page Six is reporting that former bestie and current mortal enemy Brad is styling her client Demi Moore for the Oscar parties. On her way to a styling shoot, she delves into the deepest parts of her soul and reveals her inner torment to Marisa: “It’s like, oh my God.”

Joey spends a few minutes badmouthing Brad to Jeremiah, who doesn’t seem smart enough to realize that it’s only a matter of time before Joey starts doing the same thing to him behind his back. If there’s any doubt about which young, skinny gay will always remain in Rachel’s orbit no matter what, the scene where Jordan shows Joey Anne Hathaway’s Oscar dresses pretty much sealed the deal. Without even trying, and as far as we can tell, completely without any self-awareness, Joey pretty much mimics Rachel exactly. His comments, verbatim:

“I can’t even handle it.”
“It is so out of control.”
“It’s like the most magnificent thing in person. It’s, like, everything.”
“It’s so insane.”
“She’s going to be like a bionic diva in person.”
“It’s so you I can’t even get over it.”
“It’s maje.”
“She’s gonna look so major.”

We are, like, so totally going to vomit at the major amount of ass-kissing this kid does at the drop of a hat. It’s like, so majorly gross.

Rachel walks into the styling shoot for retailer Lindex, looks at the sad racks of clothes with 15 items on them, and styles 40 looks without ever looking up from her phone. Say what you will about her, she definitely knows what she’s doing.

She comes home and crankily tells Rodger within the space of 3 minutes that she needs “an hour” to herself, “a couple of hours” to herself, and “three hours to herself.” Rodger leaves her alone for 40 minutes. They discuss how overworked she is and how she’s going to have to slow down. Rachel is in full agreement with Rodger that the baby is totally changing her priorities. Rodger, not knowing how to quit when he’s ahead, offers up the possibility that she might not even want to go to Fashion Week once the baby arrives. Rachel says in alarm “I’m bringing him with me!” and throws Rodger out of the room.

As Oscar day approaches, everyone on Team Zoe blows things way out of proportion. “This is a big moment in Oscar history and Anne history and fashion history,” says Rachel. “This is going to go down in history!” shrieks Mandana. “Yeah, history or whatever,” says Pamela. “Do you mind if I steal some of these clothes?”

That night, Rodger and Rachel get dressed to go out to a Tom Ford event. Rodger compliments Rachel in the incredibly tacky way that he knows is going to please her: “Honey, you don’t even look pregnant!’

It’s finally Oscar day, “the sickest day of my career,” says Rachel, and she’s feeling upbeat and happy for the first time in days. The styling goes off without a hitch (look here, if you don’t believe us) and Rachel settles in with her slaves (“It’s like sitting down with an artist who just painted a painting!” gushes Jeremiah, glassy-eyed) to watch the proceedings on TV. Rodger gives her a Range Rover as a gift and she gives him a bike. Everyone else wisely declines to comment on this. “Life doesn’t get much better than this,” says Rachel, in her pristine, pre-baby house. We find ourselves looking forward to the prospect of colic, projectile vomiting, and infant diarrhea invading their world in the days to come.

[Photo Credit: Bravotv.com]

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