Dallas: No Good Deed

Posted on July 26, 2012

We kind of passed out from exhaustion very early last night after two more whirlwind days of running around New York City like extremely stylish headless chickens, which means we not only missed last night’s Dallas, but we also missed out on the supreme pleasure of live-tweeting Dallas, which is always a hoot and a half for us. And apparently for others as well, since we got up this morning and were met with a brazillion “T Lo, where are you tonight? #DallasTNT” tweets.

So, since we’re playing catchup today, we thought we’d kill two birds with one stone and in lieu of a recap, just give y’all the tweets we would have twatted had we watched the show as it aired.

Ready? Go.

 

  • John Ross and Elena staring contest. Elena loses.
  • Wow, John Ross comes clean!
  • Elena: “I don’t understand.” Tell us something new, Elena.
  • Wait, why are Elena and John Ross alone in the interview room together with the cops watching? Texas law: it’s … different!
  • The camera is missing!
  • This lighting is not flattering to Elena.
  • You can call her “Veronica,” but she’ll always be crazy Martaronica to us.
  • Sitting on the opposite side of the prison table is a new experience for Sue Ellen.
  • It’s the John Ross Honesty Tour.
  • If your bangs vibrate every time you blink, they’re TOO LONG, Sue Ellen.
  • When John Ross says, “I’m handling it,” absolutely no one sighs with relief.
  • Christopher: still a giant tool.
  • He’s got a point, Rebecca. You’re the last person to counsel him on his anger. Still a tool, though.
  • South Fork’s landscaping is sad.
  • “I can’t believe J.R. got his family involved with the likes of her.” REALLY, BOBBY? Were you hit on the head or something?
  • “It’s time I got my life back on track.” Enter: Elena, with her usual perfect timing.
  • Apparently, this is the episode where everyone tells Christopher what a tool he is. We smell Emmy.
  • The “Venezuelan Waltz” dude only has one outfit, apparently.
  • John Ross, is this really the guy you want to threaten?
  • So J.R.’s son is the big fuckup and Bobby’s son is the one everyone’s mad at. The New Dallas is IRONIC.
  • Oh shit. We’re back to talking about methane and hydratezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
  • Face it: oil is sexier than methane.
  • Ewing Alternative Energies. Jock is spinning in his grave.
  • Not-Pam is seriously Rebecca’s real mother, right? They even look alike.
  • Hipster douchebag “brother” is back. Great.
  • No one believes you’re leaving for good, HDB. Except Not-Pam, but she can be dim sometimes.
  • Give Mr. Venezuelan Waltz the back of your hand, Bobby. We LOVE it when you do that.
  • Jesus Christ, South Fork has had more owners in the last couple weeks than Miss Ellie had sensible shoes.
  • DAMN. Poor Little Rich Boy just got fucked up in a prison fight.
  • It’s time to unleash some J.R. Ewing on these fuckers.
  • “A LATINO gang!” Thank you for pointing that out, Sue Ellen.
  • Sue Ellen doesn’t understand thermoses unless they have vodka in them.
  • Sue Ellen is going to cross a line and kick some LATINO GANG ASS.
  • Christopher’s scowly face is getting old.
  • Okay, so Venezuelan Waltz’s name is Vicente. Making a note of it.
  • John Ross is repenting and regretting. J.R. would spit nails if he could hear him.
  • J.R. dresses much better than he did in the ’80s. Then again, don’t we all?
  • Wouldn’t it be funny if Bobby stuck the flowers in Miss Ellie’s grave and oil dribbled out? Or is that just us?
  • Bobby’s going to do “whatever it takes” and Sue Ellen is going to “cross a line.” These losers don’t know how to make a threat.
  • Bobby’s going to drill for oil on Southfork. BLASPHEMY.
  • “I can give them something better.” Please tell us it’s not methane, Christopher.
  • Bribing the Medical Examiner. Sue Ellen’s not very good at subtlety.
  • Okay, J.R.’s back, everyone. The kicking of asses and taking of names may now commence.
  • Venezuelan Waltz dude must be getting tired of various Ewing family members showing up and demanding a meeting.
  • Oh, JESUS. He really is going to offer them methane.
  • “Why should I care about chunks of ice?” A question the writers of the show needed to ask.
  • “I’m going to correct John Ross’ mistake of dealing with shady Venezuelan businessmen by making a deal with shady Venezuelan businessmen!” Can’t see any problems with THAT plan.
  • Sue Ellen needs to start wearing colors other than “Texas mud brown.”
  • You screwed that one up, Sue Ellen. Has no one in this family learned ANYTHING from J.R.? Except Christopher, apparently.
  • “We’re both just trying to make our fathers proud.” That’s the show in a nutshell. Nicely done, writers.
  • “I bribed a medical examiner.” “You were trying to protect your son.” Ewing family values.
  • Oh, who are you kidding, Rebecca? There are PLENTY of more secrets.
  • CALLED IT. We knew they weren’t sibs.
  • Next week: SUE ELLEN SLAPS J.R.! Good times, people. Good times.

 

 

Tags:

  • http://communionoflight.com/ Frank Butterfield

    Since I’m not on Twitter, I’m loving this post! 

    In re the sad landscaping at Southfork, I haven’t figured out yet whether they’re filming in Dallas or somewhere in SoCal, but it looks much more like what a ranch would look like in north Texas than the very plastic-fantastic “outdoor” set from the original show.

    • Town

       They really are filming at Southfork in Texas.

    • Tacapa

      Agree with “Town” … they really are filming the outside scenes in Parker, TX at Southfork. That is the best landscaping that one can hope for when hundreds of people a day (currently, although it was only about 30 people a day before the show aired) are visiting. Plus, they filmed those shots in the winter months of North Texas … that is the best the landscaping would look. Have you noticed no one has been swimming in the pool?

  • Sobaika

    “It’s time to unleash some J.R. Ewing on these fuckers.”
    This shall be my new inner mantra.

    • TheOriginalLulu

      And mine. Because everybody needs to unleash their inner J.R. Ewing sometimes.

  • gabbilevy

    I did wonder. Thank you for making up for it with this post! This show is so freaking absurd, and I LOVE it.

  • Judy_J

    I missed y’all’s live tweets last night.  Glad to see them today.  John Ross got serious shit knocked out of him in that prison fight, yet he was back on his feet the very next day!  Medicine in Texas…..it’s different!  I laughed out loud when Sue Ellen bribed the medical examiner by reminding him about how many prescriptions he was writing, and all his patients were DEAD!  Good one, Sue! And getting on Not Pam’s case for not cluing her in on Christopher’s plan to get the Venezuelan mafia off John Ross’ case.  “I bribed a medical examiner, and for no reason!”  Sue Ellen is handing out state office appointments in return for favors as often as our current governor.  She really is qualified to be the next governor of the great state of Texas!

  • Amy_R

    Gawd I love this show. Elena’s bangs are way worse than Sue Ellens. Can someone please disfigure Elena so she can come back as somebody else? Sue Ellen f*ing up her first Evil-doing was awesome. Rebecca is starting to annoy me now…its like Lost..if she would just do the obvious thing (tell Christopher that Douchebag Bro is trying to steal his secrets) problem would be solved.

  • mommyca

    OMG! I didn’t watch the episode, but your recap is awesome!!!! I’ll have to catch the rerun and then watch while rereading this…. 

  • MilaXX

    lol, that was priceless. My favorite has to be:
    Okay, J.R.’s back, everyone. The kicking of asses and taking of names may now commence.

  • nannypoo

    Everyone on this show is morally and ethically compromised, and some are not very good actors, but I find the thing that is the most disturbing to me is Sue Ellen’s mall bangs.

  • TheOriginalLulu

    “I can’t believe J.R. got his family involved with the likes of her.” REALLY, BOBBY? Were you hit on the head or something?
     I KNOW RIGHT? Not the sharpest knife, that Bobby.
     
    John Ross comes clean, kinda-sorta. He hasn’t told Elena that he was banging Crazy Marta. How much you wanna bet that when she finds out, she’s going to tilt her head to the side, blink a few times and say, “I don’t understand”? 

    Vicente: Not only does he only have the one outfit, he also only has that one facial expression.

    Not-Pam is SO Rebecca’s real mother. I wonder if this is going to come out in the next TWO EPISODES LEFT! (sob) or if they’re saving it for next season.

    “JR dresses much better than he did in the ’80s. Then again, don’t we all?” Good point.

    Watching John Ross getting the shit kicked out of him was fun, but I think it would be even more statisfying if someone came along and planted their foot up Christopher’s ass.

    Can’t wait for more of Rebecca’s secrets to come out. I wish Elena could have some secrets of her own. Then maybe she wouldn’t be such a snooze.

     

     

  • PastryGoddess

    Seriously who needs to watch the show when we have you TLo

  • PastryGoddess

    Seriously who needs to watch the show when we have you TLo

  • http://bonobochick.livejournal.com/ Miss D.

    Glad to see JR back but not enough of him the episode. Lots of Sue Ellen, though, so that was good. 

    I get that Christopher did something good for John Ross but I still get TOOL steaming off of him. Also, he still seems like he was trying to get up on Elena during the hospital visit while John Ross lay in a bed bruised and bleeding. TOOL. 
    So not surprised by the “twist” at the end.

  • http://twitter.com/karenwalsh Karen Walsh

    So glad JR is back.  More JR is always better.

  • BuffaloBarbara

    “Next week: SUE ELLEN SLAPS J.R.! Good times, people. Good times.”

    Oh, yeah. I have missed a good Sue Ellen J.R.-slap thus far.

    The methane is annoying, but hey.  Whatever.  I’m just still loving this show.  And I’m totally team John Ross, even if he is the show’s butt-monkey.

  • ChaquitaPhilly

    Thanks guys! I’ve been loving the “new” Dallas even though I hardly ever watched the old one.
    Had to watch this week’s show before I could read you tweet-ish post. Since the first episode, I’ve wondered about Sue Ellen’s eye makeup. Why is it so bad? Makes her look even older. At least the long bangs cover it up a little.

  • BayTampaBay

    Does any have the link to the JR Ewing/Dallas timeline on Facebook that goes back to the early 1970″s? 

    I cannot find it.  If you have it, would you please post it?

    Thanks!

  • donnaINseattle

    Oh, oh, oh. Please do this again. My goodness, this was terribly good fun to read, starting with ”Sitting on the opposite side of the prison table is a new experience for Sue Ellen. ”

    Thanks guys.

  • Jane_Lane

    I was too little to watch Dallas when it originally aired, so I’m doing it now. And as much as I love the sort of mustache twirling, gleefully evil JR Larry Hagman is portraying in the reboot, he is definitely not that in the Original incarnation. He is canned evil, although his befuddlement at constantly being foiled by Bobby and Pam is amusing, I’m kind of horrified by him. He raped his wife for God’s sake. Does he ever get more sympathetic?  And how will John Ross not be born with acute Fetal Alcohol Syndrome? Don’t answer that last question, I’ll find out in a couple more episodes. But everyone is so much worse than I expected. Also interesting, open talk of abortion and homosexuality in a show from 1979. As much as we tiptoe around those topics in more contemporary shows (although I guess a lot less now than ten years ago), to not only be open about them, but not treat them as bad things in a show from just before I was born is kind of mind blowing to me. Especially one set in Dallas.

    As far as this show, they have got to bring back Pam.