Ah, Brigadoon. The movie that asks that age-old question, “What if the Amish lived in Scotland and had magical powers?”
Our movie starts with the charming little Scottish town of Brigadoon as its residents wake up to the sun’s rays and stroke their faces with flowers.
Trust us, it only gets weirder.
Nearby, Van Johnson and Gene Kelly, two American tourists attempting to hunt game, realize they’re lost.
Why don’t men hunt in suits anymore?
Meanwhile, everyone in Brigadoon is on their 4th cup of coffee.
Gene notices the little town and, curious as to why it’s not on the map, decides to check it out.
In town, we meet Jean and her older sister Fiona, the fabulous Cyd Charisse. We learn that Jean is getting married that day.
Fiona sings to Jean and her eight other sisters that she’s a picky bitch and that’s why she’s not married yet. Then they dance, of course. We can’t help but wonder how their parents managed to have ten adult daughters under the age of 25. No wonder their mother’s dead. Her uterus probably exploded.
Later, in the town square, Fiona meets up with Harry, who is both melodramatic and for some unexplained reason, totally miserable. She tries to compliment him on his sassy hat, but he runs off, fighting back the tears. We like him already.
Then of course, she meets Gene Kelly and totally ignores Van Johnson. We would have ignored him too. Van spends most of the movie drinking, shooting his gun in to the air, and making sarcastic comments. Pretty much a young Dick Cheney.
Anyway, they’re hungry and she directs them to the town square, where everyone stares at them like they’ve got two heads and refuses to serve them.
Then they meet Jean’s fiance Charlie, who shows off his magnificent thighs and invites the boys to stay for his wedding. Charlie wins the “Stew Pot” award, meaning, we don’t really care about his singing or dancing, we just want him to stand there naked.
Seriously, they should have given those thighs their own number.
Gene and Van utilize the most effective form of American diplomacy, tap dancing.
How awesome would it be if Condi Rice tap-danced her way through the middle east?
See? It works!
Gene’s all “This is great and everything, but where’s that girl in the funky collar?”
He catches up with her and she introduces him to the Scottish custom of gathering heather in front of enormous painted backdrops.
Then he introduces her to the American custom of inappropriate dancing.
Miserable Harry tells Fiona’s father that he hates this town and he hates everyone in it. Like a goth teenager in plaid. Really, it’s because everyone made fun of his hat.
Meanwhile, Gene, fresh from burying his face in Cyd’s crotch, excitedly heads toward the bridge for more heather. Cyd freaks out and begs him not to cross the bridge, then dramatically runs off.
Gene sings the one and only decent song in the entire movie (“Almost Like Being in Love”) to a thoroughly disgusted Van Johnson.
Gene decides to find out just what’s going on in this screwy town, so he catches up with Fiona again and she takes him to see The Old Man.
He tells them that two hundred years ago, their minister made a pact with God to protect the town from witches and so every morning when the town wakes up, a hundred years have passed. Also, no residents are ever allowed to leave the town or the whole town will disappear forever. This is supposed to protect them from the evil outside world. Yeah, we don’t get the reasoning behind that one either.
Gene’s just shocked that he’s fallen in love with a 200-hundred-year-old girl. We’re just shocked that she had the nerve to be picky about a husband when she’s only got a couple dozen guys to choose from.
Later, Charlie and Jean get married. It’s comforting to know that even 200 hundred years ago, the wedding traditions were the same. Older sisters were forced to wear ugly bridesmaid gowns…
…everyone did the Hokey-Pokey…
…and a fight breaks out.
Harry, the miserable goth in plaid, once again tells everyone he hates them for forcing him to stay in this godforsaken town. He runs off, shouting that he’s leaving the town and he doesn’t give one good Scottish shit about what happens to the rest of them.
We’re kind of on Harry’s side on this one.
The men rip off their shirts and chase Harry through the woods. Alright! Now we’re talking!
Men in skirts fighting. Is there anything more entertaining than that?
Anyway, Dick Cheney thinks he sees a grouse and fires.
Van, you moron. He doesn’t look anything like a grouse.
Harry’s dead and the town is saved through good old-fashioned American firepower. Cyd and Gene dance their delight while the body’s still warm.
Gene tells her he wants to give up everything and stay with her.
He runs off to tell Van while Cyd thinks “That’s right. That fine ass is gonna be hitting me for the next ten thousand years. Score!”
Van’s all “What are you, stupid?”
Apparently, Gene’s love wasn’t as strong as he thought because that’s all it took to get him to change his mind. They leave, and the town disappears into the mist.
Back in New York, we meet Gene’s fiance, Jane. Sure, she’s straight out of the “Big City Bitch” file in central casting, but she’s the one character in the entire film that we wanted to spend time with. She’s fabulous. We just want to smoke cigarettes and drink Manhattans with her while we make fun of all the other women in the room.
Gene’s all “To hell with these big city society girls! I want a girl who doesn’t smoke and only bathes once a week! I’m outta here!”
Van’s all “Heading back to Scotland, where I can kill a man and get away with it? Dude! I am SO there!” But of course, the town is no longer there. And also of course, it materializes just as they’re getting ready to leave.
Old Man, who should now be called “Old Man Who Pulls a Happy Ending Out of His Ass,” meets them on the bridge and says “You must really love her. You woke me up.”
What? The Fuck?
Yadda yadda yadda. You know what happens. Van shoots the old man in the face because he knows he can get away with it and Gene and Fiona disappear into the mist to live happily ever after.
Unfortunately, Gene wakes up the next day and,realizing that everyone he’s ever known or loved has been dead for 50 years, spends most of the day crying. The day after that, he wakes up and the town has materialized in the middle of a high-speed rail line, killing half the town’s inhabitants. The day after that, they’re all killed by aliens.[Screencaps: tomandlorenzo.com]
Anyway, we couldn’t find any clips to illustrate this post, but we did find the movie trailer for the completists among you:
Next week: Chin up and tits out, ladies because Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.
[Screencaps: tomandlorenzo.com]
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