Teen Choice Awards 2019 Red Carpet Rundown

Posted on August 12, 2019

Kittens, the teens have made their choices and now they’re just going to have to live with the judgment of cranky olds like us! Put your comfortable, elastic-waistbanded judging pants on and step lively, now!



Asher Angel in Gucci

This is the part where we unleash our fury on a teenager because he looks fantastic wearing something that would look utterly laughable on us. You little bitch.



Brittany Snow in Fausto Puglisi

A skirt surprise, darlings! Who doesn’t love one of those? Unforch, those prints don’t look fresh and she really needed a bit more dress for such a huge flounce to work. Also, the bag doesn’t remotely go with the rest of it.




Chloe Bailey (in Jonathan Simkhai and Zimmermann) and Halle Bailey (in Jonathan Simkhai)

Oof. We have to say, we think these two are really cute and we salute the commitment to fully coordinated looks, but too much of what we’ve seen ever since Halle snagged the Little Mermaid lead is very much on the tacky side of things.




Jessica Alba in Oscar de la Renta

Can’t really argue with any of this. She’s smart enough not to show up dressed like a teenager but this keeps her from looking too much like a chaperone.



John Stamos

It takes a very special 55-year-old man to pull of this ensemble and not come off like a total douchebag. Damn that Stamos twinkle.



KJ Apa in Marni

Believe it or not, we kind of like the idea here, but those pants are just way too gigantic.




Lucy Hale in Jean Paul Gaultier Couture

God, this clear-shoe trend is really ramping up, isn’t it? They’re not going away, folks. The dress is okay, but if you’re getting access to Gaultier couture, why would you pick something that looks so Forever 21?



Maddie Ziegler in Chanel

The suit and the jewelry are fun. The bag doesn’t go and the shoes are making us cry a little.



Megalyn Echikunwoke in Maison Rabih Kayrouz

You cannot fault the lady for being basic.



Monsta X

Hi, fellas! We don’t know your names but we presume a legion of your fans will descend upon us to keep us informed.


We have to give this round to Flower Shirt. Striped Shirt isn’t bad. Plain Shirt is a little dull. If we’re going by hair, then it’s Plain, Striped, Flower.


Hmm. Striped Shirt II is really feeling himself. Strappy Shirt is a no. Patchwork Shirt has his dramatic posing down and probably has the most interesting print. Again, if we’re going by hair, then it’s Patchwork, Striped, Strappy.



Noah Centineo

Someday, internet. Someday, you’re all going to wake up from your collective delusion that he’s Number One Dreamy Boyfriend material. Look at this schlub. What are you all talking about?!?



Sarah Hyland in Teresa Helbig

Oof. Honey. We don’t mind the top so much, but that skirt is pure sex shop costume.



Tori Spelling and Jenny Garth

Credit where it’s due: they’re well put-together and coordinated, but Tori’s print looks like kitchen curtains and Jenny’s dipping a little too closely to cosplaying the ’90s all over again.




[Photo Credit: Sara De Boer/startraksphoto.com/INSTARimages]

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