We looked at the bird-women and flower-women; we’ve given the superheroines and goddesses their say, and now, before we head on to the showgirls and a flag-bearers, it’s long past time to shine a spotlight on those committed beauty queens who sacrificed their own spinal health for their nation’s pride.
Miss Costa Rica
“Costa Rica! We have butterflies! And also common sense, because you couldn’t pay me to haul around what some of these cashiers are wearing on their backs.”
Miss Chile
“Chile concurs. You are going to see some very silly women who have been talked into wearing their entire cultural history on their backs. Chilean women? Much smarter. I’m here to support our burgeoning lawncare industry by showcasing an actual Chilean lawn on my back. Granted, the corkscrew on my head is a bit much, but whatevs, bitches. I got paid.”
Miss Barbados
“Little-known fact about my beautiful country of Barbados: We host a race of undersea drag queens! Truth!”
Miss Bahamas
“LIES! Barbados has no mer-queens! They all live in the BAHAMAS, bitches! Serving FISH! Spangly, glittery, fabulous fish, bitches!”
Miss Canada
“CANADA! MAPLE LEAF! WE’VE DECIDED TO STOP BEING COY ABOUT THIS SHIT.”
Miss Myanmar
“Myanmar! We invented dinner plates!”
Miss Philippines
“We stole Myanmar’s plates and made them pretty because those sad bitches got no style!”
Miss Sri Lanka
“Isn’t Philippines just adorable with her unearned confidence? She can sit down now.”
Miss Guatemala
“Guatemala laughs at all her plate-wearing sisters! You peasants wouldn’t know commitment if it — AAAAAH! MY NECK!”
Miss Panama
“HAHAHA! These weak-ass bitches can’t handle it! PANAMA has done the work. My impressive core control and impeccable posture — JESUS MY HIP!
Miss El Salvador
“El Salvador pities her weak-necked sister from Guatemala. We women in El Salvador are made of – OHMYFUCKING GOD SOMETHING SNAPPED INSIDE ME! THE PAIN!”
Miss India
“Oh calm down, you milkmaid. I’ve got a shrine strapped to my ass and you don’t hear me complaining, do you? INDIA. We suck it up and get on with it.”
Miss Cambodia
“I’ve got a goddamn BUILDING on my head. Not impressed.”
Miss Mexico
“See? This is what happens when you girls get a little full of yourselves. Rein it in on the giant backpieces and get yourself some jungle cats to spice things up. MEXICO! Because we’re demure like that.”
Miss Jamaica
“Here in Jamaica, we keep things simple. Weird as fuck, but simple.”
Miss Puerto Rico
“You wanna talk weird-as-fuck, Jamaica? MY NERVES ARE ON FIRE AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THIS THING IS.”
Miss Vietnam
“Man, you bitches got it all wrong. If they’re gonna make you carry this shit around, you need to figure out how to make a buck off it. These things are going for fifteen bucks a piece and they’re not even close to being fresh!”
Miss Peru
“Am I the only one who made them put it on wheels? I’m not ruining my goddamn spine for this shit.”
Miss Thailand
“All y’all whores need to shut up until I see you hauling a frigging elephant around.”
Part Four: Folk Costumes and Flag-Bearers!
[Photo Credit: Patrick Prather/Miss Universe]
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