Red Carpet Rundown

Posted on May 27, 2011

It’s Friday and none of these ladies rated a post all their own, so let’s just run down some of the looks of the week and type out whatever pops into our heads, mkay? We’ll start. Feel free to jump in at any time.

Lucy Hale at the 36th Annual Gracie Awards Gala in Ina Soltani Fall 2011.

Slap some white wings on her and she’s a Hallmark commemorative Christmas ornament.

Jessica Chastain at LA premiere of “The Tree of Life” in Roland Mouret.

Great color on her, but not such a flattering shape. Also, when your dress has volume, so should your hair, even if you’re wearing it up. Otherwise you get pinhead.

Carrie Underwood at Fox’s “American Idol” Season 10 Finale in Lorena Sarbu Pre-Fall 2011.

This is super-cute. A bit gynecological, but still cute.

Heidi Klum at Open Rankin Private View Exhibit in Vivienne Westwood.

We don’t care how many ways it’s deployed, we’re never really going to love that Westwood cat ears bustline. But it’s Heidi and it’s short and skin-baring, so it’s all working here. Hate the Silly Putty shoes, though.

Sherri Shepherd at Bette Midler’s New York Restoration Project’s 10th Annual Spring Picnic.

Bad hair, bad dress, bad shoes. The gays are on strike with this one, apparently.

Crystal Reed at LA Series Premiere of MTV’s “Teen Wolf.”

A little too citrus-y for our tastes.

Amber Heard at Twentieth Century Fox Television Distribution Party in 3.1 Phillip Lim Spring 2011.

Looks sharp and put together.

Miley Cyrus at Photocall and Press Conference in Mexico City.

Miley’s such a trouper doing this photocall when she clearly has a very busy life as a mother of five teenagers who’s also probably facing menopause.

Holland Roden at LA Series Premiere of MTV’s “Teen Wolf.”

Darlings, what’s a word for “bland and ugly?”

Jennifer Lopez at Fox’s “American Idol” Season 10 Finale in Michael Kors.

Such is the power of The Lopez that she can banish cameltoe with her mind. It’s as smooth as Barbie’s crotch down there and will remain so as long as a camera is pointed at her.

 

[Photo Credit: getty, wireimage]

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  • http://profiles.google.com/paigemano Paige Mano

    What’s wrong with Miley’s face???

    • taodon

      Uh, it’s her face?

  • Anonymous

    That J Lo thing is bonkers. Also, I recently read about a panty insert that eliminates camel toe. Maybe she has discovered it?

  • Anonymous

    Ya know, sometimes I’m disappointed when I see myself in the mirror. But looking at these photos has cheered me up immensely.
    Whatever Miley has been up to she should try something else for awhile. 
    I feel Pretty, Oh so Pretty…!

  • Anonymous

    “silly putty shoes” describes Heidi’s shoes perfectly

  • Anonymous

    Carrie Underwood’s tunic thing is adorable! 

    • Anonymous

      I like it too, but I’m 50+ years old!

    • jessamyn

       It is adorable – as a beach cover-up. As an evening dress?

    • Anonymous

      My first thought was that she forgot to put on her skirt (or pants).  Love the print, but the unfortunate length makes it look like a blouse.

      • Anonymous

        fortunately, the girl has incredible legs to go with the unfortunate length

  • Anonymous

    Oy. Jennifer Lopez looks like a genie who’s been in the bottle for too long. Does her mirror only go down halfway?

  • Anonymous

    Darlings, what’s a word for “bland and ugly?”
    Why, “blugly,” of course! ;-)

    • jessamyn

      I was thinking Ugland – which must be the third-world country in which such things are manufactured. It’s not a nice place to visit.

  • Anonymous

    Bland+ugly = blugly

  • http://www.facebook.com/samuel.j.donovan Samuel Joesph Donovan

    WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT DRESS.  You know, the one making it’s wearer look two and a half feet tall. How can that not have been commented on–someone CUT OFF THAT GIRLS LEGS BELOW THE KNEE.

    • Anonymous

      I was just thinking the same thing!  Call out the investigators on that one!

    • http://twitter.com/Kulia Julia Frey

      Also thinking the exact thing! She looks like she’s on her knees!

  • MilaXX

    Lucy Hale – Can Can dancerJessica Chastain – The dress would be okay if she had bothered to do her hair.
    Carrie Underwood – CuteHeidi Klum – Eh’s it’s a typical Heidi outfit. The only thing I really hate is that it gives her a bot of a pooch.
    Sherrie Shepard – Girlfriend need help. She cannot dress her shape, which I’ll admit is a bit challenging since she’s pretty much all boobs and has no hips. Her wigs are often awful and unflattering. On a positive side, I think her makeup is nice.Crystal Reed – I hate the yellow bob.
    Amber Heard – Perfect and the best of this bunch by miles.Miley Cyrus – UGH! So hiddy. I could forgive the too long extensions, but she needs a better top. preferably one that doesn’t age her by 20 years and add 15lbs.
    Holland Roden – FUG! That looks like the dress you put on your bridesmaids to make sure you look better than everyone. It needs to be taken out back and burned.
    JLo – Like Heidi and the short, tight & shiny, this jumpsuit is pure JLo. It works on her and her alone.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jessica-TallGirl-Freeman/1043623567 Jessica TallGirl Freeman

    Every single outfit is just ugly.  But the commentary…priceless!  

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jacqueline-Haag-Nace/752386351 Jacqueline Haag Nace

      I was thinking the exact same thing – great way to start off my weekend, thanks TLo, especially for the the JLo comment.

  • Anonymous

    You forgot shiny. (Which makes it a Heidi trifecta!)

  • http://smalldog.wordpress.com/ Small Dog

    Blugly.  

  • Mariah J

    Why does Miley Cyrus always look so bad? I really feel sorry for her.

  • Anonymous

    Yes, Ms. Heard wins hands down. Whoever said “this one’s good” to Ms. Roden should be fired if they were paid and NEVER allowed to advise on clothes again, if not.  Ms. Cyrus’ face looks puffy, maybe it’s the angle. There’s nothing *wrong* with her aesthetic, but it’s not exactly red carpet.

    What IS the f-ing Power of JLo?  She looks stunning in an outfit that ought to be at least cliched, if not outright ridiculous.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_RK5MAF2VNT32ULNYFIXDANTEC4 Terence

    I think “blug” is a good term.

    But alas, I get so bored with red carpets now.  It’s nice when celebs look nice in nice things, but with the exception of only a few, I so rarely seem to see personal style compared to a celeb who was outfitted by someone else…Oh first-world problems…

  • http://profiles.google.com/dchockeyguy Trevor Burroughs

    You really like the Amber Heard thing? It’s too skin tone color with the black. She almost vainsh…. wait, is there someone in that picture?

  • Anonymous

    JLo has better undies on today.

  • Anonymous

    Love it when you two wake up on the bitchy side of the bed! But why  does Carrie Underwood get a gold star for passing off a shirt as a dress?

    • Anonymous

      Because unlike Heidi she showed legs or chest, not both :o)

  • Anonymous

    I love this post. Y’all should do more of these random red carpet rundowns more often! Thank you!!!

  • Anonymous

    Even if Sherri Shepherd’s gays went back to work I don’t think they’d touch this look with a ten foot pole.

  • Anonymous

    What did Carrie Underwood have to do to get those legs?  I bet it was painful, but totally worth it,

  • Anonymous

    In Sherri Shepherd’s defense, she is short, very, very busty and slender through the hip.  It’s a difficult body type to dress.  A friend of mine is built the same and it’s incredibly easy to look like an apple on toothpicks if she’s not careful.  This isn’t a great look but her proportions are balanced and the color is good with her skin.  I can’t forgive the Snooki hair or the too-big shoes, though.

    (I know Sherri Shepherd is nutty, but I just finished rewatching 30 Rock season 4 on Netflix, so I’m inclined to be generous.)

    I have no idea who Holland Roden is or what the dress code expectations were at the Macy’s/AT&T-sponsored, LA series premiere of MTV’s Teen Wolf (on par with the Royal Wedding, no doubt), but this look is odd.  I think she was going for a Florence Welch effect but she just looks like a little girl playing dress up in her grandmother’s wedding gown (especially with the too-long hem).  

    Or, maybe she was shrunk by a wizard!  When she got in the car this was a daring minidress with a high waist and a lace skirt to keep it from being too gynecological (tm TLo) but when she set foot on the red carpet she began shrinking and shrinking, as helpless and frightened as a teen wolf transforming in the moonlight.  Yes, that’s a twist worthy of a basic cable series adaptation of a mid-eighties Michael J. Fox movie.

    • Anonymous

       The body shape tends to look better in outfits that either are or look like a top and a skirt.    A proper empire waist dress can work provide it stays from away from the maternity look

    • Anonymous

      There is no defense for Sherri Shepherd’s appearance. Women with imperfect bodies CAN find something that flatters, especially when they are TV stars who can hire stylists. She is an embarrassment, from head to toe.

  • Judy_J

    Carrie Underwood looks like she left her pants at home.  Heidi brings back a classic…short, tight, shiny.  Miley Cyrus looks like a refugee from Santa Fe.  Add another adjective to the “blugly” dress…too tight!  Amber Heard’s dress is the only one I like…I would totall wear that if I could afford it.

  • Anonymous

    Is that a photo of Heidi covered in oil behind Heidi?

  • scottyf

    All right fellow gays:

    I’m forming a posse. A Gay Ambush Squad (GAS for short). We’re gonna give these women the GAS.

    First up: Gayle King.

    Second, we are snatching up Sherri Shepherd after a taping of The View.

    We’ll begin by confiscating all of her wigs and forcing her to go natural with a nice versatile cut.  Second, we’ll tackle her closet. And third–because this is going to take some time–we’ll tackle homophobia, the theory of Evolution and a timeline of the History of Civilization (with special emphasis on the origins of Christianity).

    It’s going to be a tough job Marys. Many of these girlfriends won’t go easily. But these RC photos prove it NEEDS to be done.

    Who’s with me bitches??!!!

    • Anonymous

      We the cannot afford to hire stylist girls need you more! Screw these celebrities. They have oodles of money and can afford an army of gays to assist them. Kidnap us ordinary girls!

    • http://profiles.google.com/dwight.lake Dwight Lake

      LMAO I’m totally with you lol

    • Anonymous

      Clearly the intrepid members of the GAS don’t have time to spend on the many needy civilians There’s gonna be a full-fledged campaign medal issued for the Gayle King intervention alone.   I do think they need a very high tech secret headquarters with the coolest decor since Bauhaus fell out of favor.

    • Anonymous

      Count me in!

  • Anonymous

    Sherri’s shoes look like house-arrest ankle bracelets.
    Heidi does not look good – I am sorry – you guys must have already started in on your holiday weekend pitcher-o’-manhattans.
    I love Crystal Reed’s dress – seriously love it – but there is SO much hair going on that it’s obscuring the dress.
    Why would someone remake TeenWolf? That doesn’t sound like a good idea at all.

  • Anonymous

    There was some real crazy stuff worn by the ladies at the Bafta’s last week.
    Most of the men looked lovely….Matt Smith (yummy) and Benedict Cumberbatch in a velvet suit with glittery shoes…

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_QCJEZMOV4VYMXC5WJALLZNYEB4 Mari Rose

    On behalf of myself and other fashion-conscious Navajos, I’m going to have to insist that Miley Cyrus remove the squash blossom necklace and other Native jewelry until she can demonstrate an ability to wear such accessories without embarrassing herself and us. 

  • Anonymous

    I love your group postings! They get you on a roll!! Thanks for the laugh into the weekend. I’ll never look at Barbie the same. 

  • Pat Hartley

    I want to know why Lucy Hale is wearing a lampshade–adding shoulder straps doesn’t make it a dress.

  • Anonymous

    Sorry but JLo’s outfit is shapeless, ugly and a horrible color.

    • Anonymous

      I agree. If this fugly thing were on anyone else, they’d get a new one ripped. She gets a pass ’cause she’s J-Lo and has THAT FACE. But it’s just awful in every regard, especially the genie-pants bottoms.

  • Anonymous

    I’m pretty sure J Lo dipped into her Selena wardrobe for this one. 

  • http://vhanna26.typepad.com Vera

    Holland Rolland is a pretty girl in a ugly dress.  Nicole Kidman did this look much better.

    http://www.tomandlorenzo.com/2011/05/2011-billboard-music-awards.html

    Miley looks so much older.

    • Anonymous

      But no wiser.

  • Anonymous

    There’s so much hideousness here that Carrie Underwood’s dumb shoes got a pass! Amber Heard (whoever she is) is the only one who looks good. But JLo is the best. She gives such great face that I laugh with delight every time I see her. 

  • Anonymous

    Hmmmm….is Miley dressed in Gretchen Jones?  Would explain a lot.

    Amber Heard’s dress is really cute, but I would wear that to work, not the red carpet.

    Heidi, jesus! I think at this point I know what her good china looks like better than my own.  Just an inch and a half longer, Heidi, and you won’t be venturing into stripperland.  Please!

    • Anonymous

      “I would wear that to work, not the red carpet.”
      You must have one amazing job! It’s not what we usually see on the red carpet, but she is dressed appropriately and perfectly for the event she attended. Not all red carpet photo ops require gowns. Anyway, we agree that the dress is pretty. Whoever she is.

  • margaret meyers

    Those clunky ankle boots:  are they supposed to give a stupid outfit street cred, or are they visual quotation marks, indicating irony?

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_3AJ237ND3GAHDQJZ4TLCO4WLRA Emily

    LOL!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1344922354 Eric Scheirer Stott

    Bland and Ugly = BUGLY

  • Lisa

    No one looks pretty here, just no one.  I haz badly dressed sadness…. :-(

  • Anonymous

    “Darlings, what’s a word for “bland and ugly?”

    …blugly?

  • Megan Sullivan

    Poor Miles has the potential to look so much better than she does. She looked so fresh and pretty when she was a few years younger and didn’t try so hard. I love Carrie Underwood’s dress. And I almost like the Silly Putty shoes because they’re not a nude that’s the same as her skin tone. But if I tried to wear them it wouldn’t work because my skin is pretty much the color of Silly Putty.

  • Anonymous

    Miley’s such a trouper doing this photocall when she clearly has a very
    busy life as a mother of five teenagers who’s also probably facing
    menopause.

    who is, the 5 teenagers?

  • Anonymous

    “Darlings, what’s a word for “bland and ugly?””

    Blugly

  • Anonymous

    Wow you’re so right. only Amber Heard looks decent. Why can’t I get over the bare legs though. I abhor pantyhose myself but when I see the knobby knees and colorless skin on the runway I hate that, too. Is there no happy medium?

    • Anonymous

      Spray tan, if you want to risk looking orange. Otherwise, go for high-quality pantyhose with a nice matte finish.

  • http://twitter.com/ShelfAfterlife Shelf Afterlife

    A word for “bland and ugly”…hmmm….  Tofu?

  • Anonymous

    My first quick responses:
    Lucy Hale – LampshadeCarry Underwood – Forgot her slacks
    Heidi Klum – Her boobs have wings!
    Sherri Shepard – Were the cats playing with the wrapping paper?
    Amber – Beautiful. How’d you end up in this group?
    Miley – Tragic
    J-Lo – That jumpsuit makes me sad
    The rest of the ladies, I have no words.

  • http://twitter.com/ArrowField ArrowField

    Holland Rodan looks totally cut off at the knees in that dress.  Seriously, she looks 3 feet tall.  and I have no idea what Heidi is wearing, I am distracted by the picture of the banana in the background of her photo. 

  • Anonymous

    Holland Roden:  may I just say that is the single most UNflattering dress I’ve seen in literal years.  Gives her a thick, stumpy waist that begins just below her breasts, and approximately 24″ long legs.  Hideous.
    Of course, I’m just feeling bitter because my age is showing:  I have no idea who an even 50% of these women are.

  • Tamara Hogan

    I love that Phillip Lim dress, but I have zero clue who’s wearing it. I am old.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_26C2GOV77IXMJT36IBKKUQ2M64 Mark

    Never heard of half of these people, but almost everyone looks horrible.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442661135 Dominy Marveux-Garbeau

    Sherri Shepherd as Bette Midler’s New York Restoration Project

  • akprincess72

    Wish you would have shown Mayim Bialik at the Gracie’s, she looked CUTE.

    • Anonymous

      And she has a PhD in neuroscience.

      • akprincess72

        I did know that, I just figure that she’s still allowed to look cute… It was a great dress, no PhD required to figure that out.

  • Anonymous

    In agreement completely. I like Amber Heard best. Carrie’s dress may be a bit short, but it’s really pretty and if I were here age with those legs, I’d do it too.

  • Anonymous

    Oh Heidi, you need to to listen to your own words. Short + Shiny = Cheap.

  • http://twitter.com/danielleRwest Danielle West

    I totally thought that was Steven Tyler, not Miley Cyrus.

  • Anonymous

    OK, That’s it.
    Don’t know what’s got into you guys, but your comments are  too garden variety bitchy — and not interesting.
    I’m coming back when Mad Men ends its hiatus — whenever that will be.
    That’s when you are at your absolute best.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_T24URKJGBLJQPBWCRPU37IIHLU Krab Louse

    I remember seeing someone on Soul Train many years ago wearing THAT exact same jumper as Jennifer Lopez is wearing here. 
    Holland Roden looks like someone quickly stitched together an evening “gown” from the “old lady net curtains” on her windows and the cheap, shiny, bedspread at the Motel 6 where her agent has booked her.  Some dry cleaner is trying to sort out the red wine stains on the original gown she was supposed to wear even as I type this.