These past two episodes have nicely illustrated that Hamptons Batman doesn’t just make plans or make faces at her enemies; when it gets right down to it, she can be positively brutal to bad people who get in her way. Unfortunately, last night’s episode ended on Emily’s shocked face as she shockingly discovered something shocking. “How did I not know this?”
Well, yeah, Ems. How did you not know this?
Because really, after everything the Graysons did to you and your father, you’re actually shocked that they were involved in his death? Were we the only ones who assumed that all along? Isn’t this kinda why you’ve gone to such great lengths to get your REVENGE on them?
And isn’t it time we all started talking about David Clarke and the fact that we’ve never seen a body, nor, as far as we know, has Emily? Come now; we can’t be the only ones thinking he’ll walk back into that beach house at the least opportune moment possible, can we? Yes, the creators have said that’s never going to happen, but they’d have very good reasons to lie about that, wouldn’t they?
But we digress.
We were damn impressed with Emily’s proven-many-times-over-but-still-thrilling-every-time ability to make a few slight adjustments in the lives of people around her to get events to shake out exactly how she wants them to – and that she’s always, in perfect Hamptons Batman manner, thinking ahead. Like everyone else, we had no idea why she took an impression of brush-headed thug’s car key last week. And like Nolan, we were shocked that she used it to frame him for Tyler’s murder. That’s some hard-core revenging shit right there. Nolan has always been the Robin to her Batman, but we suspect at some point he’s going to be revolted by the extent of her scheming and … well, revolt.
But can we talk about Jack for a second? So-dumb-it’s-amazing-he-can-breathe Jack? Why, exactly, would the little sailing bartender hold on to that frigging hoodie? Is it a souvenir to him; something to remember that magic night when he found his batshit-crazy stripper girlfriend standing over a bloody corpse just before she disappeared? The show always tries to dangle the idea that Emily’s heart really belongs to the childhood friend whose only real talent seems to be keeping dogs alive years past their expiration date, but we have to say, we’d be mighty disappointed to see her wind up with him. It’s never fun to watch a devastatingly smart woman fall for a man who can barely walk in a straight line without starting a fire or falling into a well. Still, it was nice to see various people react to the news that he held on to the most damning bit of evidence since O.J.’s glove. When even Declan reacts to the news like he’s never heard anything so stupid in his life, you’ve got to admire the breathtaking idiocy of it. Can’t Emily just get Revenge Sensei to put Jack and Fauxmanda on an ice floe somewhere? Those two have done enough fucking up of Hamptons Batman’s plans. Time to tie them up and mail them somewhere far away. Granted, this assumes that Revenge Sensei hasn’t already killed Fauxmanda for annoying the shit out of him.
Not that Daniel’s not wallowing in his own special brand of moronhood. But hey, apparently his superpower is that, when he drinks, his eyesight becomes superhuman and the view to Emily’s front door from his house no longer requires binoculars.
What we like about this story is that at any time, the balance of power can shift and Emily will find herself faced with a new Revengenemy. Last night, it was Conrad’s turn to whip out his dick and slap everyone across the face with it, reminding them all that he’s still Bastard Number One around these parts and that even the mighty Victoria Grayson can be brought to heel by his machinations. But isn’t it time we all had the discussion that Victoria isn’t exactly the mastermind she makes herself out to be? Her schemes tend to be violent and frantic, with the stench of desperation about them – and all too often, they wind up putting her family in an even worse predicament. Plus she’s emotionally fragile and needy in a way Emily and Conrad aren’t, and the story goes out of its way to occasionally make you feel, against your better judgment, a little sorry for her. She’s definitely formidable and frightening as an enemy, but it’s become clear that the real enemy of Emily Thorne is Conrad Grayson, someone she just hasn’t been paying enough attention to because she spends too much time having staring contests with his wife. Going after him in a big way will be her major challenge going forward and we look forward to seeing her square off against him; especially since, unlike Victoria, he doesn’t seem to have the slightest suspicions about her.
And is the case of Tyler’s murder really closed now? One prison suicide note and everything against Daniel gets tossed out the window?
In other news, is it bad that we’re kind of impatiently waiting for Charlotte’s suicide attempt? We’re practically standing over her bed, tapping our feet in indignation. Really, we just want to see Declan cry. We’re thinking it must sound like a water buffalo stuck in mud.
Oh, and Victoria? He really was a shitty artist, you know. You should have slapped him for making you look like you had a receding hairline. Still, we LOVE your winter wardrobe, girl!
[Photo Credit: ABC]
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