RZP: Jeremiah was a Bullsh*tter

A whole lot of nothing happened this episode, so let’s break it down.

Jeremiah arrives at the offices of Rachel Zoe, Inc. with a box of candles and a dream, pleading with Rachel to form an entirely Pinnew division of her company just to give him something to besides make cutesy faces at the camera and expose his man cleavage at every opportunity. Rachel acts like she’s never seen candles before. Joey acts annoyed and reminds her expositionally that she has a photoshoot for Elle to style. Rachel snaps back to reality – or her version of it, anyway – and informs everyone of her disgust at having to stand next to a model in a bathing suit while pregnant.

Rodger shows up at his friend Marc’s house and immediately starts complaining about how hard Rachel is working. Marc all but rolls his eyes at him and acts like he’d rather be anywhere but with Rodger. “I don’t want to be, like, Mr. Mom,” says Rodger. “Too late,” says Marc.

Back at Rachel Zoe International Headquarters, Jeremiah is pouty because Joey gets all the cool emails about the shoot for Elle. Joey smirks and gives him advice for the shoot with Elle. The shoot for Elle is referenced in practically every sentence of the episode, so we’ll be doing a lot of command+V for this recap. Anyway, Joey’s advice regarding the shoot for Elle is to keep moving around but not to react to anything Rachel says or does. Joey leaves and Jeremiah starts packing shoes in a box, which he informs us he’ll be taking to the shoot for Elle even though Elle already provided 300 pairs for the shoot for Elle. Mandana walks in and he immediately starts whining about how he’s not being cc’d on any of the emails regarding the shoot for Elle. She Pinsays something that she probably thinks is reassuring but is anything but: “I don’t think we really know what you’re doing here.” He makes another cutesy face and squeezes his pecs together for maximum mancleavage, thereby answering Mandana’s unposed question.

It’s the day of the shoot for Elle and Team Zoe is at the Chateau Marmont, setting up before Rachel gets there. Jewelry is missing. Jeremiah panics. Then Jeremiah finds the jewelry. We fan ourselves with excitement at these scintillating scenes. Meanwhile, Rachel and Joey are in the RachelMobile on the way to the the shoot for Elle. Rachel mentions that she’s one week overdue on her pregnancy. “I’m like a snake who swallowed a basketball.”  Joey asks her about the idea behind the shoot for Elle and she rattles off some buzzwords off the top of her head: Marlene Dietrich with a strong lip, Pucci and headscarves and total hooker heels.

Rachel arrives and immediately proceeds with figuratively fellating Joey in front of Jeremiah just to make him pout and squeeze his pecs more. “You’re like, the only person I can trust with my special camera,” she tells him, handing the holy relic over to him gently. There are roughly 10,000 dresses and 40,000 pieces of jewelry for Rachel to look over. She edits them down to a few looks in 5 minutes. Then they dangle the model off the edge of a cliff while Rachel asks her to adjust her straps which she can’t do because she’s like super-pregnant.

Joey pals around with Rachel all throughout the shoot for Elle and Jeremiah pouts some more. “I’m not here to be Rachel’s Pinfriend,” he tells us, revealing just how dimwitted he is and how little he understands the game he’s supposed to be playing. “I love you so much, Joey,” says Rachel as she strokes his face. “You have no idea.” Jeremiah pouts some more. Joey straddles Rachel and talks about their “telepathic connection” while dry humping her. She tells him about the shoot the next day for the Hollywood Reporter, which will be featuring her on the cover. Apropos of nothing, he responds with “You could be pregnant with quintuplets and style, like, a whole country,” adding, “You’ve never been on the cover of a magazine for something positive.” Rachel looks over at the model, lying on the ground in a bathing suit and knee-high boots and wonders if the “story” makes any sense. With that, the shoot for Elle portion of the program comes to an end.

Later, Jeremiah goes to Marisa with his idea about how Rachel should start a new division of her company just to give him something to do. Sensing his outrageous entitlement coupled with his dimwittedness, she gives him a non-response in almost perfectly nonsensical manager-speak: “Let me talk to the team and then we’ll circle back and move forward and see where we stand.” He seems pleased with this response as she tries not to laugh in his face. Later, Jeremiah reveals to Mandana that he has absolutely no idea what a computer is. Pin

It’s the day of the Hollywood Reporter shoot, so everyone says “Hollywood Reporter shoot” every 30 seconds. Joey is doing her makeup for her and they discuss what her look will be for the day she goes into labor. She’s thinking a Chanel duster and a red lip. We’re thinking she’ll be lucky if she doesn’t shit all over herself. She tells Joey that God have her an easy pregnancy because she worked so hard on her career. Now we’re actively hoping she shits all over herself.

Marisa discusses Jeremiah with Rodger, cleverly avoiding the words “idiot” and “useless.” Rodger has no idea what to do with him and Rachel doesn’t have time to train him right now. Rodger wonders if maybe Rachel might just want to be a mommy  full time after she has the baby. Marisa gives him a “Bitch, please” look.

Back at the Hollywood Reporter shoot, Rachel asks everyone,  “Do I look fat or do I just look pregnant?”  Everyone says she looks fat just to see what she does. They laugh into throwpillows as she runs out of the room screaming. Rodger shows up to have exactly one picture of him taken and spends the entire time whining about how uncomfortable he is. Then he turns to Rachel and starts hectoring her to come to a decision about Jeremiah. Reminder: this is the same man who constantly complains that Pinshe takes on too many things at once; that people are always interrupting her work with new demands; and that he wants to take a more active role in the company. Rachel tells him to fuck off and eats a spinach leaf to keep her energy up, wondering once again why the baby isn’t ready to be born yet.

Later, Rodger fires Jeremiah. Jeremiah pouts, gets teary-eyed, makes cutesy faces, and squeezes his pecs together. Once he’s exhausted all of his marketable job skills with no response, he leaves.

Rachel informs us that she’s super-sad about taking advantage of the Jeremiah but then quickly pivots to talking about herself. “Now I have to wrap my head around the fact that I’m going to be a mother. I’m a little freaked out. Not gonna lie”

Next week: Rachel shits all over herself.