Musical Monday: Mary Poppins

Posted on May 25, 2009

One of us hates this movie and one of us loves it. It’s Mary Poppins! The story of a demonic nanny and the dysfunctional family she helps destroy! Just remember, we did this all for you, bitches!



Our story starts here, over 1910 London, as Satan’s Bride prepares herself for her next mission of fucking up some poor family.



Meanwhile down below, Mrs. Banks returns from her radical feminist march to the news that the latest nanny is quitting because the Banks children have run off again. She sings because she’d rather not talk about it.



Mr. Banks arrives and also sings, because no one in this family likes each other very much.



The children are returned by the police after a routine roundup of the local gangs. No one cares.



The Bankses, not being the sort to want to actually deal with their spawn, set right to work hiring someone else to look after them. The children make suggestions that are promptly ignored.


The next morning, a gaggle of humorless bitches line the sidewalk outside the Banks home.



A strong wind blows them all far away to a land called Oz, where they will all have prosperous careers terrorizing children.



Lucifer’s Lover blows into town ominously.



She bulldozes her way into the Banks residence and bewitches Mr. Banks into hiring her.

Also, she has rickets.


She introduces herself to the children by demonstrating her demonic powers.


And then destroys their self esteem.



She summons her robotic bird minions to do her bidding.



Even her reflection is smug.






Objects fly about the room when she snaps her fingers. The children shit their pants.



Later, she takes the children out to meet her former lover, Bert.



And whisks them all away to a scary land of garish colors.



She abandons the children while she and Bert engage in foreplay.



Later, she frightens the children by bringing inanimate objects to life.



Even her horse is smug.



She bewitches the people of this magic land and forces them to speak in tongues.

A sudden rainstorm washes away the magic land. The children weep for all the now-dead animals and people inhabiting it. Mary laughs at them.



That night, as she puts them to bed, she tells them she will make their lives even more hellish if they breathe a word of this to their parents.



Which is kind of funny, because their parents spend all their time pretending that they don’t have children.



And getting annoyed when they’re reminded that they do.



Mary takes the children to the seediest part of London and taunts them by telling them she’s going to leave them there.



They visit an opium den.



The children try desperately to tell their father about Mary’s true nature.



Curious, he questions her about the charges. She pretends to be offended and tells him he can take care of his own damn brats

tomorrow because she’s got the day off.



She tucks the children in and sings them a terrifying lullaby about the possibility that they will wind up old, crazy and living on the streets.



He takes them to work and orders them to kiss his boss’s ass.



The little savages attack him instead.



In response, Britain’s social order collapses into anarchy.



The children run off to throw themselves into the Thames.



Bert, fresh from performing in a minstrel show, talks them out of it.



Ignoring their loud protests, he takes them back to their mother, who only owns one outfit and who is on her way out to an abortion rights protest.



Mary terrifies the children by dangling them off rooftops.



Bert and all his friends engage in a satanic ritual on the rooftops.



Later, she invites all her Satan-worshipping friends into the Banks home to destroy it.



Mr. Banks tries to protest but one look from that bitch and he’s silenced.



He is sad. He’s probably going to lose his job, his wife is running around with radical lesbians, his children are hanging out with dirt people and his servants are tools of the devil.



He snaps and attacks his boss.



Her work complete and the family in ruins, Mary packs her bags. The children try to hide their joy.



Mr. Banks has gone completely insane. His children try to restrain him, but he’s too fast for them.



Eventually, the family takes him out to fly a kite in order to calm him down. His wife pretends to be sexually attracted to him.



Fleeing before charges can be brought against her, Mary eventually settles in a little town in Austria and poses as a nun, biding her time until the next fucked-up family needs a nanny.



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