2014 Billboard Music Awards Red Carpet Rundown

Posted on May 19, 2014

Hey, kittens! Let’s shout out simple and sometimes vulgar responses to all of these celebrities and their laughable attempts at being stylish!

Positions, please!


Carrie Underwood in Oriett Domenech
2014-Billboard-Music-Awards-Red-Caroet-Rundown-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (1)

 We don’t quite like it but huge props to her for wearing an actual color and stepping outside her comfort zone!



Chrissy Teigen in Fyodor Golan and John Legend in Gucci
2014-Billboard-Music-Awards-Red-Caroet-Rundown-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (2)

 Batman’s placemat and too-tight jacket!



Jordin Sparks in Michael Costello
2014-Billboard-Music-Awards-Red-Caroet-Rundown-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (3)

Standard as hell!



Cher Lloyd in Mikael D
2014-Billboard-Music-Awards-Red-Caroet-Rundown-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (4)




2014-Billboard-Music-Awards-Red-Caroet-Rundown-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (5)




Lucy Hale in Alex Perry
2014-Billboard-Music-Awards-Red-Caroet-Rundown-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (6)

Pretty! Although that yellow band looks enthickening, which is now a word!



Nicki Minaj in Alexander McQueen
2014-Billboard-Music-Awards-Red-Caroet-Rundown-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (7)

 Stand back! They look they’re ready to blow!



Sarah Hyland in Emilio Pucci
2014-Billboard-Music-Awards-Red-Caroet-Rundown-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (8)

Dress Barn manager in 1993!



Mirand Lambert in Georges Hobeika
2014-Billboard-Music-Awards-Red-Caroet-Rundown-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (9)

 Dull as crap!




Shakira in Julien MacDonald
2014-Billboard-Music-Awards-Red-Caroet-Rundown-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (10)

 Credit for wearing something slightly interesting! Scary hoof feet!



Kelly Rowland
2014-Billboard-Music-Awards-Red-Caroet-Rundown-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (11)

 Tit tape!



Jennifer Lopez in Donna Karan
2014-Billboard-Music-Awards-Red-Caroet-Rundown-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (12)

 Samantha Stevens’ evil Latina cousin! OMFG WE LOVE THAT. SERENA-SELENA.





[Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, Getty Images]

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  • Good lord, what did boobs ever do wrong that they should deserve such poor treatment?

    Win for this batch to Sarah Hyland’s face (possibly most genuine smile I have ever seen on the red carpet) and Most Improved to Kesha.

    • LipstickForPigs

      Absolutely agree about Ke$ha. I feel like her past wardrobe behavior was mostly marketing her brand, but part of me wonders if her eating disorder played a small part in her choices. Kind of a “don’t look at me look at me clothes” strategy to cover her body issues. Either way I’m glad she’s back and looking clean and healthy.

    • tallgirl1204

      I thought Sarah had the only good look of the night. But then, I’m a Dress Barn gal from way back. ETA: except that Shakira looked amazing. I didn’t notice the hoof feet until schooled by TLo.

      • Inspector_Gidget

        Why is she permanently en pointe?

        • J. Preposterice

          I think Shakira goes for those looks because she’s really petite. Supposedly she’s 5’2″, but I’m not sure she’s that tall; that’s my height and she looks short to me. (I think this is part of why Lady Gaga wears RIDICULOUS shoes, too — she’s only about 5’1″.)

      • YoungSally

        Dress Barn was pretty good – in 1983. And then it was not.

    • unbornfawn

      Agreed about Sarah’s face. Nothing so beautiful or stylish as a genuine smile.

    • lamamu

      But I’m hoping Kesha hasn’t swung too far in the other (boring) direction. I’m not saying she needs to be all gimmicks, but I always liked that she kinda does her own thing.

    • Mrs. O

      Thank you for defending the much mistreated boob. Honestly! I’ve had a big set since age 13, and there is no way I would ever let them be mistreated like that. They are your friends, ladies, show them some kindness!

      • leilah

        My first thought upon seeing Nicki Minaj was that this is an obvious sign breast augmentation surgery (well known, at this point), because (a) no woman who’d grown up with and enjoyed them all her life would EVER treat them so blithely and (b) such treatment is an indication of nerve damage, because … OWWW …

  • imperfectlaura

    For some reason, I think JLo’s “vamp” face always looks like she’s taking a dump.

    • Rhonda Shore

      J Lo’s dress seems a bit Stevie Nicks-ish.

      • Inspector_Gidget

        I was thinking she was about to be discovered inside a bottle by an Air Force pilot.

        • Rhonda Shore

          Oh yes! I was just thinking about that show this morning, about how a TV program about a half-naked woman with big boobs calling a man “master” was destined for huge popularity!!!

        • leilah

          Absolutely! As adorable as is “Serena-Selena”, JLo looks much more like “Jennie”–competition for Jeannie’s evil sister (also) “Jeannie” (I guess the show’s premise was the extent of their imagination … ).

      • ConnieBV

        See it isn’t so Samantha for me as Endora.

    • LipstickForPigs

      My cat had the most hilarious ” I’m POOPIN’ ” look. JLo’s vampy face could be it’s evil twin.

    • kimmeister

      I got “I’m about to sneeze” from that look.

    • makeityourself

      I’m chuckling here in bed at 12:18 a.m.

  • @Biting Panda

    Hot fucking messes, the lot of them. The BBMAs are the reason every “The Illuminati controls the music industry” theories exist. Holy shit, just so much tacky. Every time I flipped over to the channel, it was vomiting awful from the screen.

  • hunt3002

    I did not sleep well last and my cranky pants just enjoyed the hell out of the snark here. Thank you Uncles!

  • Twigg

    So many battered boobs in this post.

  • Danielle

    It’s a sad state of affairs when Kesha is one of the best dressed.

    • Sarah

      Yeah, was TLo’s WHUT because she doesn’t look AWFUL? I am pretty amazed by that development myself.

      • demidaemon

        I couldn’t tell if it was that or the fact that she seemed dressed for her debutante ball and not the Billboard awards.

        • Sarah

          She looks clean, her nethers are covered (by which I mean ladyjunk AND her legs), her dress is not totally offensive (although not revolutionary) and she’s smiling prettily. That right there is a WHUT.

          • demidaemon

            True. Although, lately, she has been doing a little better. It’s just been a while since she’s graced the pages of TLo.

          • kimmeister

            AND, she has no bric-a-brac attached to her hair or appendages!

        • kmk05

          The thing is, though, that her face still looks really tired. I mean, how is that even possible. But she looks clean with an actual hairdo and a dress that fits and not stolen-car makeup, so I’m not sure why I’m arguing.

          • demidaemon

            Well, it is a lot of work being Kesha, no matter how healthy one is. That would be exhausting for anyone.

          • kmk05

            …Is it terrible that I just laughed really loudly at this? Because I did, and that wasn’t particularly charitable.

          • demidaemon

            No, I don’t think so. 😉

  • Alanna

    Funny how the whole world freaked out when Jennifer Lopez wore a similar dress ten years ago (the green floral thingy.) And in 2014, all we can muster is that it’s one of the more sedate, “safe” options on the red carpet.

    • par3182

      Were the awards held poolside? In the 1970s?

  • Photo Stealers

    Chrissy Teigen’s dress looks like drawings of Mothman (The Mothman Prophcies)

    • Mrs. Julien

      I was thinking Game of Thrones Rorschach test myself.

    • YoungSally

      I saw homage to Cher — the real one — not the dollywood tacky version on this RC.

  • deelup

    The money and effort that must’ve gone into tucking, sucking, plucking,etc and they still turn out like this.

    • Imasewsure

      I don’t think there is too much tucking going on here but that would explain some of the tacky bad-dragtasm on this RC for sure

  • Julie Ree

    I would watch the hell out of JLo in a Bewitched remake as the evil cousin! And Nicole Kidman can reprise her role as Samantha where has had a spell put on her face so that only her lips move.

    • ryenerman

      Hollywood make this NOW!

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      OMG, but I would buy a ticket to this movie!

    • DuBey2

      ..and nose..

  • schadenfreudelicious

    When did Miranda Lambert turn into a Housewife of OC?

    • gabbilevy

      Plus, we’ve seen that dress at least twice before, and not all that recently. Britney, and… um, I can’t remember who else. It’s not looked good on any of them.

    • Kitten Mittons

      I seriously thought it was Paris Hilton.

  • Kelly, I have one word for you. Vulgar.

    • Carleenml

      and at one point did she say “yes. this many bangles. just this many.”

      • Oh and shoes with clear plastic? Nope, never, nope.

      • kimmeister

        I congratulate you for even noticing she had bangles on.

        • RCH

          I must go and see. Did not notice that either.

          • smayper

            Totally distracted by the horror of the tit tape.

        • DuBey2


    • Rhonda Shore


    • She’ll have to share that word with Minaj. Underboob on the red carpet is always a big fat NO.

      • Its as though they all seem in such a rush to prove that they have boobs. Honey, they are visible from space, so give it a rest, m’kay?

        • smayper

          Exactly!! Just like the sausage-revealing pants on the men. Relax everyone, we know you have secondary sex characteristics.

      • demidaemon

        For Nicki, isn’t it underboob AND overboob?

        • Kitten Mittons

          And then aren’t those just called pasties at that point?

          Oh. Oh wait, she has the side boob covered. So, it still qualifies as clothing, I suppose.

          • demidaemon

            Pasties are nipples only, and she does have slightly more than that covered, amazingly.

          • Kitten Mittons

            I think I would prefer pasties. Then I don’t have to spend so much time deciding what the hell I’m looking at before I say, “No, dear.”

    • marlie

      You sound like my mom. And in this case, that’s not a bad thing.

  • ♠♥zee♣♦

    Can I point out that Jordin Sparks has the ugliest feet I’ve ever seen?

    • gabbilevy

      No, no you can’t. We don’t body snark here.

    • Imasewsure

      You can point out that you hate her shoes though!!

  • mjude

    SERENA / SELINA….. I love you boys! LOL

  • Betsy

    The 2014 Scary-Ass Prom.

  • katiessh

    god, sarah hyland looks like she’s about 40, what is happening?!
    Poor kesha, be nice to the girl!

    • demidaemon

      In an attempt to look less youthful, she somehow added forty years.

      • katiessh

        It’s just bad

    • Kate Andrews

      Also: Realtor-in-Training.

    • decormaven

      “Dress Barn manager in 1993!” That is classic.

  • Serina-Selina! ha, ha, ha, ha!!! oh you guys…..

  • gabbilevy

    Er, Shakira FTW?

    • demidaemon

      I KNOW. She’s the only one I can get at least 90% behind.

    • SugarSnap108

      I second your half-hearted props. My only real problems with the look are the hoof-shoes and the hair.

    • Constant Reader

      I’m pretty sure her dress is basically front and back panels held together on the sides by webbing, yet compared to Nicki and Kelly she looks rather ladylike. Also, pretty color.

  • Wink

    Why won’t that horrible neon yellow (worn by Carrie Underwood) just go away? Some wear it better than others, but NO ONE looks great in that shade!

    • Carleenml

      stolen: she looks like a squash blossom.

    • MilaXX

      Brown gals do.

      • Wink

        I respectfully disagree. SOME brown gals look okay in it. But, I repeat, NO ONE looks great in that wretched color! LOL.

        • MilaXX

          I happen to look awesome in that color. And, let me correct myself, plenty of people look great in that color, not just brown gals. Again it’s a matter of knowing your skin’s undertones. IIRC Michelle Williams (2006 Vera Wang dress she wore to the Oscars) and Nicole Kidman (Nicolle Kidman 1997 Dior dress she wore to the Oscars) wore dresses that landed them on Best Dressed list in chartreuse. I can understand you not personally liking the color, and I do believe it’s a challenging color to wear, but clearly plenty of people do indeed look stunning in that color. It’s not Carrie’s color, and it may not be yours, but it’s a gorgeous color on the right gal.

          • Wink

            You’re one in a million if you look awesome in that color. Most people simply cannot pull it off. At the 2012 Emmys, Julianne Moore, Claire Danes, Kaley Cuoco and other actresses wore this color — and it was not flattering on any of them. (I remember Nicole Kidman in chartreuse. The design of her dress was gorgeous, but she looked embalmed.)

  • Sarah

    I wish UC’s dress was short, and the color was less…fluorescent. Then maybe…

    • MilaXX

      Not her dress. Put that on a brown gal with style and it will sing.

      • Sarah

        Yeah, she should give it to Kelly Rowland!

  • demidaemon

    I don’t know what, but something is seriously wrong with the fit of John Legend’s pants. It gets more disturbing the longer you look at it. I also second every comment about poor boob treatment. Breasts do not deserve the kind of abuse represented here.

    • kimmeister

      They look like too-long long johns that have merged with his footwear.

      • demidaemon

        YES. And there is something super-wonky going on in the crotch that i can’t even begin to figure out, though I stared at it for a good five minutes trying to.

        • kimmeister

          You’re right! I had to go back and look. The crotch looks like cycling shorts with the built-in seat padding. Goofy!

          • demidaemon

            You are also correct! I am trying to figure out what creates that effect. No luck so far, as these pants could not have been padded, since they look extra flimsy.

          • kimmeister

            Erm . . . options I came up with:
            1) he is wearing Depends so he wouldn’t have to weave through the auditorium to make it to the bathroom
            2) his anatomy is like that of a Ken doll

          • demidaemon

            I am pro option 1, as he seems to have some sort of anatomy, it’s just awkwardly arranged.

  • KinoEye

    Honestly, JLo wins this one for me. I feel like I shouldn’t love it, but I just do. Tacky/glam is her default mode and she’s working it like gangbusters. Chrissy Tiegan’s… dress? scares me.

    • VicD

      I love JLo’s shoes – they seem to be ombre toned from red to silver? I love me some ombre tones (and some hombres).

  • Jessica Freeman

    I love me some Chrissy Teigen, but those booms are beyond insane. I like none of this except for TLo’s commentary which was perfection.

    • Sarah

      They look like they are stabbing the shiz outta her eyeballs. It makes me squint for them.

  • Chrissy Teigen…girl, trim your bangs! Her haistylist must hate her.

    • MilaXX

      They’re clip ons. She just needs to take the off.

  • largishbearishAtlish

    WHO? (had to look up a few of these ‘stars’….

  • B_C_J

    Nikki minaj looks beyond vulgar. When you can see the under portion of your breast, it’s time to go up in size. Ms teigen needs to shorten the bangs & burn that bat dress. Ms. Lambert’s dress is just this side of the stripper pole. Ms. Underwood dress is just too over the top for the occasion. Lucy hale looks charming. Ms. Lopez should remember to leave her negligee at home.

    • random_poster

      I get what you mean about Nikki, but I think up a size would just mean they’d fall out of the bottom of that strip.

  • Emily sutton

    Chrissy’s bangs are a skosh too long, but with her fivehead, she needs them.

  • Betsy

    I feel sad saying anything negative about Kesha because she looks happy and healthy here. However, I’ve figured out where I’ve seen that dress. One of the cast members of Disney’s Hoop de Doo Revue wears something similar. And that’s not a good thing.

  • Kate Andrews

    Question for TLo: Do you think that tattoos play any role in how you dress yourself? Like in Cher Lloyd’s case, yes — totally tacky dress, but it also seems busier on her along with the arm tats. Thanks!

  • Mrs. Julien

    Jordin Sparks in Michael Costello Standard as hell.

    Well, it is Michael Costello.

    • Imasewsure

      Unfortunately with reality tv celebrity, mediocrity rises to the top. Ugh and yawn

  • MilaXX

    Other than JLo bring Diva realness to the event this entire list is one big “NO!” Carrie’s dress is nice but it’s Not her Dress. WTH to Chrissy’s bangs and Jordan’s cornrolls. Cheryl Loyd, Kesha, Lucy Hale and Sarah Hyland are just plain ugly. Nicki & Kelly are bringing the boob parade. Shakira, and Miranda are heading the hoof shoe parade.

  • LadyVimes

    Ke$ha! I thought we were both facial glitter devotees! You have betrayed me!

    • MartyBellerMask

      She dropped the dollar sign and apparently the glitter went with it.

  • thesevenendless

    Kesha looks almost classy – who knew?

    • Shawn EH

      It’s a new world when she wins the RC!

  • Jeremiah Capacillo

    KE$HA?? WAT

    First Nicki at the VMAs, then Gaga on the street, then Ke$ha. WHAT IS HAPPENING

  • SophieCollier

    When did Miranda Lambert morph into Paris Hilton? Swear that’s who I thought it was.
    I like Shakira’s dress, and Kesha looks pretty good, for Kesha. I want the “Batman’s Placemat” dress! It’s cute!

    • stardust462

      I seriously thought it was Paris Hilton too.

      • Kitten Mittons

        Me too!

  • KayEmWhy

    All tacky including the Bewitching look of JLo.

  • Qitkat

    The BMA rundown is almost as entertaining, and eye-rolling as the Met Gala ones. Thank goodness I didn’t torture myself with the actual show.

  • Bexxx

    I think Ke$ha looks freakin great (is she kesha now? I will miss the dollar sign) and her cleaned up look is probably a product of her getting her mental shit together. Good for her.
    Chrissy Teigen’s bangs are THE MOST RIDICULOUS. Girl, WHAT? You are not a horse.

  • Imasewsure

    JLO JLO love it for just this: “Samantha Stevens’ evil Latina cousin! OMFG WE LOVE THAT. SERENA-SELINA.”

    I know her personality probably sucks but I love how she brings it (good or bad) every single time

  • unbornfawn

    Enthickening is now in my vocabulary! Wow there is a lot of tacky up there this morning. Will need a deep cleansing Lupita or Fan Bing Bing or a nice sausage soon.

  • Incorrect on Chrissy Teigen. That’s clearly the Game of Thrones “All Men Must Die” poster she’s sporting. I assume she’s angling for a position in Braavos next season.

  • padma sallah

    Kesha looks absolutely amazing! What a transformation! I also do think that John Legend’s pants might be a bit too tight. The crotch area looks uncomfortably snug. And J-Lo looks like a DIVA.

  • IMNAngryLiberal

    I’ve never seen this awards show, but I’m stunned at the collection of ugly outfits here. I might have snarked myself to death had I been watching this program live.

  • BobStPaul

    Looks like rehab did Kesha a world of good. She looks quite relaxed and pretty now.

  • Rottenwood

    Actually, we prefer ’embiggening’ to ‘enthickening,’ as it is a far more cromulent word.

  • kimmeister

    That’s not Carrie Underwood’s hair, and her dress looks like it has hieroglyphics.

    I do love that neckline on Jordin’s dress, it’s very flattering on her shoulders.

    THAT is a Pucci look??? I was so horrified by it I didn’t even notice Sarah’s horrible shoes until now.

  • JauntyJohn

    “Samantha Stevens’ evil Latina cousin! OMFG WE LOVE THAT. SERENA-SELINA”

    And now my monitor is covered in coffee.

  • Sofia

    J lo looking like a goodness as usual. I just wish she would get rid of that cheesy come hither pose.

  • Janet B

    During the broadcast, I thought if Kesha moved her arms too much she was going to pop right out of her bodice.

  • ktr33

    Kesha / Morticia, but without the necessary attitude. Lucy Hale – VERY unflattering length. Is the tiny? That’s not a petite girl’s dress. Fake Paris Hilton: sheer pink mesh – SO tacky. Spring Break Ft Lauderdale “going out” dress. JLo – fluttery sleeves make it look peignoir-y, but otherwise, classic, unimpeachable JLo Goddess/Diva.

  • JLO for the win!

  • Mrs. Julien

    I kind of love Carrie Underwood’s dress, not least because it looks like she is smuggling in the stolen battle station plans disguised as the overlay for her gown.

  • EEKstl

    A coworker just walked into my office to find out what the heck I was guffawing about, where she found me laughing out loud to this post and eating a salad, as my waistline has been enthickening and I cannot blame my clothes.

  • PeggyOC

    JLO as Scarlet Witch!

  • Except for the earrings I give the win to Kelly Rowland. JLO looks like she got locked out of the house when she stepped outside to get the newspaper…a la 1968 VEGAS!

  • Little_Olive

    I gotta give it to JLo. The woman goes for it like there is no tomorrow.

  • Columbinia

    That was a fun little gallery.

  • cheesebomb

    My boobs hurt just looking at some of these.

  • Terri Terri

    More Endora than Samantha.

  • Joanna

    The JLo outfit reminds of the nightgown that Blanche Devereaux wore in the Golden Girls episode where Blanche was getting audited and thought wearing a negligee for the IRS agent would get her out of a fine. Not even remotely the same color, but they are both looking for the same thing, basically.

    • Malia C.

      *falls over laughing*

    • CatLady

      I must find this episode! 😀

      • Joanna

        Season 5, Episode 9 – “Comedy of Errors”
        Enjoy 😉

        • CatLady

          Thank you!

  • TM

    Shakira is also super excited for X-Men’s release. So much so, she is channeling Mystique?!

    (Also, I am so influenced by this site that when I saw pictures of Carrie’s dress yesterday all I thought was “hey color, at least she’s trying!”…)

  • NeenaJ

    Soundtrack to Nicki Minaj’s look: “defying graaaavity!…” That is some seriously glorious underboob.

  • Sif

    Wow. Kesha is literally glowing on the red carpet. Glad she wore a gown to introduce Michael Jackson’s magical performance during the live broadcast. I can’t wait to see her on ABC’s Rising Star.

  • Vtg Fashion Library

    Minnie Mouse shoes must DIE.

  • LuluinLaLa

    I saw that Kesha photo on another site that didn’t include her name, and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out who that was. It looked a bit to me like Kate Walsh from Grey’s/Private Practice, but I knew it wasn’t actually her. Have to say that Kesha looks great and healthy and I am happy to see it.

  • Beardslee

    You guys are hilarious. Thank you!

  • marlie

    SO much tacky, I don’t even know what to say. Nicki Minaj would actually look pretty outstanding if she didn’t have underboob showing. I don’t think this was intentional, in that, if the dress fit her as intended, they wouldn’t show. And I’m disappointed in Donna Karan for jumping onto the “formal beach coverup” bandwagon.

    • conniemd

      Her underboob has to be one of the silliest sights ever on a red carpet.

      • L’Anne

        I read somewhere that underboob is having a moment. May that moment pass… now.

  • Alloy Jane

    Holy shit, that JLo comment literally has me crying with laughter. Thanks, I needed that. Can’t you just see Endora and Serena-Selena plotting against poor Darren?

    The rest is a whole lotta bad. Shaki’s dress is nice but god, that hair is awful.

  • LeelaST

    I’m sure someone’s mentioned it – Miranda Lambert’s dress is identical to the one Britney wore to X-Factor premiere when she was a judge (2 years ago?) – although Britney’s had sleeves and was in a tackier fabric. Same trapezoidal sheer cleavage and same pink.

  • Andrea Lentz

    I think Kesha looks amazing, it’s still HER but it’s more naturally her I feel than all the tacky distracting stuff she has done previously you know?

  • MaryMcClelland

    I want to be J. Lo – just for one day.

  • kim bunchalastnames

    kinda like carrie’s dress, but HATE the hair. overemphasizes her fivehead. she should have worked something out with c.teig. between the two of them, they could have found the perfect hairline. also, very large insect on the dress of the latter. did john step on it for her?

  • Michelle Gennari

    Minaj = squish!