The A-List: Flames! Flames on the side of my face!

Posted on August 30, 2011

By the time last night’s episode got to the point where people were fighting at the after-party for a wig launch party, we were both curled up on the floor in front of our TV, weeping and weakly calling out, “Please. No more. Can’t…take…any more…fucking…stupidity…” in our best Shatners, pools of tears, sweat and vomit blossoming around our limp forms.*

*scene enhanced for reading pleasure

In all our reality TV blogging, we’ve always drawn the line at wishing violence upon these little dancing morons, but episode after episode of dumb, talentless, attention-seeking people arguing over absolutely fucking NOTHING has us secretly thinking that a limo crash or perhaps a missile strike on the Fire Island Ferry would be the only emotionally satisfying way for the season to end at this point. There’s no chance of non-cast members getting hurt in these imaginary disasters since the rest of humanity collectively and silently decided to be nowhere near any of these famewhores, hence the endless array of empty restaurants and sparsely attended parties that comprise their social life. In a way, the constant fighting makes sense. They’re the world writ small; Lord of the Flies smack in the middle of a bustling Manhattan that wants nothing to do with silly, self-proclaimed royalty. No one else will speak to them or even sit near them, so the only form of entertainment these primates have is flinging shit at each other.

Gosh, we’re dark today, kittens. Consider the reasons why:

Austin and Reichen sit all alone on a Fire Island beach, all other denizens seeking spots far out of camera range. Austin tells us he wants to focus only on his husband and his friendship with Reichen, which is why he immediately brings up Nyasha. The conversation turns to Austin’s apparent multiple arrests, which he blows off with “It’s all for little things.” He’s every disastrous first date in one person.  Once again the subject of monogamy comes up and the boys state their nuanced views for the thousandth time on this scintillating topic:

Reichen: I’m against it.

Austin: I’m for it. Sort of. For now. Baked beans.

Reichen: Exactly. Baked beans.

Back in New York, Nyasha’s holding court at Embrace Your Hair, which, despite all indications to the contrary, is apparently a real business and not a front for an escort service. Her 40 assistants all hang on her every word as she talk about an upcoming promotional party for her wig line. Notice how practically every “party” these whores throw now is about launching products or self-promotion. This isn’t the A-List, this is the QV-fucking-C-List. She instructs her assistant Ye to make sure that “the press line is flowing” because there’s going to be “tons of press and a lot of buyers.” Her flamboyant gay pageant friend says he can see her wigs selling on QVC.

T LO’S CASE, IT IS RESTED.

Mike’s in Los Angeles with Kathy Griffin shooting her for some book where celebrities wear costumes and a ton of makeup, which is a totally risky artistic venture for Mike. Really challenging the paradigm there.

Nyasha is auditioning models with assistants Asif and Jeunesse. She names these people herself, doesn’t she? Her auditioning technique for models is similar to the one for dancers: berating and humiliating every girl who passes in front of her. She declares that they’re all missing an “it factor.” Asif and Jeunesse scribble notes and frantically text Ye.

Later, Ryan and Derek visit Nyasha at the cramped, windowless headquarters of Embrace Your Hair and pretend she’s got Anna Wintour’s office.. She bursts into tears because she hasn’t been on a vacation “since last year.”

Limo crash, right? Just a little one? Maybe just hard enough for the airbags to blow her wig off in public and cause a little swelling for a couple days? That’s not such an awful thing to think.

Derek says, “It was actually really nice to see Nyasha break down,” because seeing others in a vulnerable position means he doesn’t have to do any introspection and that’s just the way he likes it.  They all then try on the tackiest array of plastic wigs you ever saw, keeping a fire extinguisher nearby at all times.

Nyasha meets new best friends friends Rodiney and Derek at a bar with actual people in it. She tells Rodiney that she masturbates to his pictures. Rodiney opines, “You not my type, girl” just like a man who loves the pussy would. Then they all badmouth Austin. “He’s selling himself naked to Playgirl because he has nothing else to offer the world,” says Derek, the memory of his recent performance shaking his ass in glitter hotpants apparently faded from his memory.

Mike, his semi-attached dad, and Martin are babysitting. Ryan shows up and, immediately sensing someone with the exact same ideas and sensibilities as himself, strikes up a conversation with the 6-year-old girl dressed like a princess. They get along famously, although she informs us later that Ryan is “a bit much. Seriously, that queen’s FULL of herself.”  Mike’s not jumping on the kid idea at the moment, but he informs everyone that he’d happily change his dad’s diapers. We’re all for family closeness but have a little dignity, Mike.

HAHAHAHA! We said “dignity!”

Austin’s getting his teeth whitened and he needs Reichen there for emotional support. They wedge something in his mouth,making it impossible for him to speak, and it’s the most appealing he’s ever been. He still manages to clumsily flirt with Reichen while claiming he’s not.

At another empty bar, Jake and Austin meet up with Reichen to introduce him to his blind date for the evening. Austin and Jake clearly have absolutely no idea who the guy is, even though we’re supposed to believe they set up the double date. Austin gets drunk and says wildly inappropriate things that no one in the room is remotely entertained by. Just then, a giant chandelier detaches from the ceiling and lands on Austin. Maybe.

Mike and Martin are having a totally unstaged conversation in cargo shorts and tight shirts. Martin is sad because he’s got two children from a previous relationship and he misses his kids. Martin can’t deal with “all this bullshit” anymore. Martin cries. They nuzzle their ever-present whiskers. All we can think whenever we see these two is how much windburn they must have down there. It’s kind of a shame. Here we have two people with an actual real-life problem and we’re stuck wondering how calloused their taints must be by now. What? Like we’re supposed to get all deep and caring in the middle of all this vapid silliness?

Austin and Jake are having a totally unstaged conversation shirtless in bed, Like Rock and Doris, if they were both really, really stupid. Some horseshit is spewed about their upcoming vow renewals and their upcoming bachelor party. Neither of these morons have the slightest clue what a marriage is.  To prove this point, Jake brings up Austin’s relentless and inappropriate flirting with Reichen. Austin demonstrates how to communicate in a marriage by responding with “Don’t be a stupid English prick, Jake. You’re too stupid to get it was a joke.” Jake gets out of bed and storms off. He comes back a second later with a flame thrower and…

Oh, sorry. That last part was in our heads.

It’s the cheap wig event of the year as dozens of people show up for Nyasha’s wig-selling party. Hilariously, she jumps out of the limo and makes a mad dash to the totally empty step-and-repeat, frantically urging the three photographers present to take her picture by all but flashing her tits at them. Then–

Oh, what the fuck ever. Haven’t we recapped enough? The party was the pathetic, low-rent spectacle every viewer knew it would be and Nyasha swanned around like she just won the Oscar. Then, high on the fumes of hairspray and self-importance, she picked a fight with Rodiney for no apparent reason. To his marble-mouthed credit, he wasn’t having it. “Who she think she is, Beyonce?” he asks with a snap, which should totally get the ladies flocking to his door. In the end, despite the fact that the party was a success (to her, anyway) and she was supposedly happy, she stormed out of her own wig party after-party. “Little Miss Rodiney just made big bad Nyasha leave her own party,” says Derek, impressed, but also confused as to who he’s supposed to be cheering and at whom he’s supposed to be sneering.  Then, Hurricane Irene swept in unexpectedly and washed the entire cast out to sea. They’re still out there somewhere, using their inflated lips as floatation devices and licking off their spray tans for nutrition.

The END, bitches. Also, this:

“I’m on greendr.”

 

  • http://www.gregmce.com Greg McE

    I’m hoping the final episode of “The A-List: New York” concludes with a passing-of-the-baton ceremony where the cast of “The A-List: Dallas” show up and beat the tar out of the majority of the NYC cast. Seriously, ratings through the roof.

    • http://visceralresponse.com Dina dV

      Have you seen the snippets with the Dallas cast?  They make this cast look like the Algonquin Round Table.

  • Anonymous

    I’ve never seen 1 minute of this show–of which I’m proud, given the other crapola TV I watch–so each week I TRY reading T Lo’s reviews.  Nothing against you guys (you’re wonderful), but I simply CANNOT get through even a write-up, much less the idea of watching the show.  Yowsa.  Thank you for putting your brain cells at risk for the minions, kittens, and unborn fawns.

  • Anonymous

    I’ve never seen 1 minute of this show–of which I’m proud, given the other crapola TV I watch–so each week I TRY reading T Lo’s reviews.  Nothing against you guys (you’re wonderful), but I simply CANNOT get through even a write-up, much less the idea of watching the show.  Yowsa.  Thank you for putting your brain cells at risk for the minions, kittens, and unborn fawns.

  • Anonymous

    TLo:  I’m just wondering why you’re still bothering with this show?  It’s trashiness isn’t even fun.  I say–give it up!

  • Anonymous

    TLo:  I’m just wondering why you’re still bothering with this show?  It’s trashiness isn’t even fun.  I say–give it up!

  • Ted Kane

    I’m afraid I’m not willing to suffer for art the way you guys are, so perhaps someone could clarify whether “greendr” is Rodiney’s approximation of English pronunciation or someone who really ought to know better just displaying his normal level of idiocy.
     
    So much more entertaining reading  your recaps without having to watch the show, though if they’re online or when they make their way to Netflix streaming, perhaps I’ll get really drunk and watch the whole season on some night when I need to feel morally and culturally superior to somebody.

    • aussiegal77

      I think it’s Rodiney’s ESL version of Grindr….? Not sure….but I think that’s what greendr is.

    • Anonymous

      Greendr is the new social network where bi men who loves to get animal with women’s hair can finds other to accompany with them to screenings of An Inconvenient Truth.

      –GothamTomato

  • Ted Kane

    I’m afraid I’m not willing to suffer for art the way you guys are, so perhaps someone could clarify whether “greendr” is Rodiney’s approximation of English pronunciation or someone who really ought to know better just displaying his normal level of idiocy.
     
    So much more entertaining reading  your recaps without having to watch the show, though if they’re online or when they make their way to Netflix streaming, perhaps I’ll get really drunk and watch the whole season on some night when I need to feel morally and culturally superior to somebody.

  • http://profiles.google.com/marteani Barbara Guttman

    Out of bizarre curiosity, I went to the “Embrace your hair” website, and discovered that in order to navigate any part of it, you have to sign up to request a membership.  You cannot even LOOK at their blog without first, I repeat, signing up for a membership.

    This “company” will continue to remain a mystery to me.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_F3HKIK7MIJMBDAQBDWEAQDTXUM theneva

      So definitely an escort service, then.

    • Anonymous

      Given the way she goes all Billy Jack on anyone who says anything the slightest bit critical to her, she was probably being driven to distraction by viewers going to her blog to mock her.

      Beyond that, look at that picture of Derek and his ridiculous hair: When the talk went to merkins, I couldn’t help but think Derek already looks like he’s wearing one on his head. Seriously.

      –GothamTomato

      • http://profiles.google.com/marteani Barbara Guttman

        I could believe the bit about the blog, but you can’t browse the store either.  There is no part of the website other than the first page which is accessible to non-members.

        And I will now forever refer to Derek’s hair as “the merkin cut.”

  • Anonymous

    Oh yes, it was all just too hideous for words. What really stuck in my craw though was how Austin berated Jake during their bed fight (in a hotel? where was that?) Earlier it was noted they were 23 and 25 (!!!) and AUSTIN is the older one? I mean “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf” – tick, tock. Those two might as well change their names to Martha and George now and call it a day. 

  • Anonymous

    OHMYGOD! It’s Mystery Science 3000 — TLo Style! And it’s AWESOME! In fact, I don’t bother to watch the show. But if I ever meet any of these guys, I’ll be all, “Hey!!! I know you! You’re that terrible show that TLo makes really, really funny!”

    • http://profiles.google.com/shannonlstewart Shannon Stewart

      Last week, subconscious subtitles were mentioned, where the guys would do subtitles explaining what the cast was really saying — it would so complete the MS3000 feel

  • Anonymous

    OHMYGOD! It’s Mystery Science 3000 — TLo Style! And it’s AWESOME! In fact, I don’t bother to watch the show. But if I ever meet any of these guys, I’ll be all, “Hey!!! I know you! You’re that terrible show that TLo makes really, really funny!”

  • MilaXX

    Don’t know if you caught it but at the wig afterparty Rodiney slipped and actually said a complete sentence. Then he caught himself & went back to his ESL.

    • http://visceralresponse.com Dina dV

      He said a complete sentence last season, too.  “I know Americans eat cole slaw, Austin.” 

      • Anonymous

        I’m guessing it’s in his contract that he gets one per season so that the hundreds of casting directors & agents who watch this show will understand that he has *range.*

      • Anonymous

        I’m guessing it’s in his contract that he gets one per season so that the hundreds of casting directors & agents who watch this show will understand that he has *range.*

  • http://www.facebook.com/jmarrazzo Joe Marrazzo

    “This isn’t the A-List, this is the QV-fucking-C-List”. Aaaaaand, there’s your new blurb, Bravo.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jmarrazzo Joe Marrazzo

    Also:  I have never seen this show but I hope it stays on FOREVER just so you guys can recap it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/aaronfrey9 Aaron Frey

    I think you’re on to something here. The A-List: Final Destination.

  • aussiegal77

    So basically the gay version of Jersey Shore. With more glitter and less fist pumps. Otherwise – the same.
    I love these recaps!

  • http://twitter.com/karenwalsh Karen Walsh

    Crashing limos, missiles, falling chandeliers, flame throwers, hurricanes!  YES.  To all of them.  Be gone you idiots!  Please put us out of our misery.

  • Scott Hester-Johnson

    “Don’t be a stupid English PRIG, Jake.”

    It actually makes a world of difference, ’cause Austin is basically telling his “husband*” that if he was cool he would get with the programme and allow him his dalliances with Reichen Pensildicken.

    Moving on..

    Worst. Babysitters. EVER.

    Seriously, when you leave people in charge of your kids, do you expect them to have Machiavellian gays pop by and let them hold your baby like Anna from “V”?

    Worst. Launch Party. EVER.

    How many glamorous parties start at what looked like 4 in the afternoon? Was the “after-party” at 8:00? Although I’m sure they had to clear the event space by 7:00 for something real.

    My head hurts now.

    * Sorry to put “husband” in quotes, but if if that relationship is on par with my actual legal marriage, I am telling HusbandDerrick tonight that we are getting a “divorce”.

    • http://profiles.google.com/shannonlstewart Shannon Stewart

      I assumed it was sort of like putting a JLo “marriage” in quotes….  But the gays are ruining marriage… uh huh… right…

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_GQIN74TNNQROY5JFPOWWBGJWEM andy

      “…like Anna from ‘V'”

      Ha!

  • MilaXX

    forgot to add the “model” who was causing trouble at the audition is a professional famewhore. she’s been on Millionaire Matchmaker twice.

    • http://profiles.google.com/shannonlstewart Shannon Stewart

      Is she the one Patti hates?  I love  that show:)  (The husband HATES it, for some reason…)

      • MilaXX

        Think so. Her name is Stacy something or other and I bet she update her IMBD listing to include this appearance as further proof of her so called acting career.

  • Alexandra Simons

    Seriously, these recaps are the greatest. I religiously watch RuPaul’s Drag U, but can’t bring myself to watch this show, which comes on right after it. I am not too lazy to change the channel.

  • http://visceralresponse.com Dina dV

    In all fairness, Mike and Martin probably wear cargo shorts and tight shirts all the time.  Mike’s usually wearing tight shirts and cargo shorts whenever he appears on his various other reality shows to photograph the contestants.

    But I’d like to point out to Nyasha that Bill Gates was 20 when he started Microsoft and Steve Jobs was 21 when he started Apple.  By the time Bill Gates was 25, Microsoft was partnering with IBM while Steve Jobs and Apple introduced the Macintosh before he was 30.  Owning your own little wig company at 25 is not a bad gig, necessarily, but it’s not “being a CEO.”

    • Scott Hester-Johnson

      You are nit seriously comparing Nyausea to Bill Gates and Steve Jobs are you? Seriously?

      • http://visceralresponse.com Dina dV

        No, she’s the one who said “It’s hard being a CEO at 25.”  Just pointing out that there are two very well-known people who were legitimate CEOs at 25.  She’s just someone who sits in a cramped office in mid-town.  She’s like Romy & MIchelle.

        • Anonymous

          Wait…Nyasha is telling people she’s 25? Okay.

    • http://profiles.google.com/shannonlstewart Shannon Stewart

      Yeah… my sister in law runs her own business and works her ass off all the time.  I don’t even refer to HER — a smart, capable, savvy businesswoman who I would hire in a heartbeat — as a CEO.

  • Anonymous

    I watched the first 30 minutes last night before crying uncle and turning it off. As a result of watching this show, however, I am horrified to report that these cretins appeared in my dream last night and I dreamed that my foot developed rainbow-colored gangrene as a result of being around them! 

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6TDAYXK555ABAKZEEOAJMC25FU Stan

    I’d rather sit through another season of The Event than watch this show.  I can’t even bear to read the recaps anymore.

  • http://twitter.com/tartandsweet Tart + Sweet

    Thank you for the Clue reference, love Madeline Kahn.

    • Anonymous

      that is an oft-quoted line of mine, love it!

    • christinewithanx

      I don’t even watch this show, but had to click for the Clue reference!

      I also use the Kahn quote: Husbands should be like kleenex: soft, strong and disposable.

  • Anonymous

    “Tlo said: Limo crash, right? Just a little one? Maybe just hard enough for the airbags to blow her wig off in public and cause a little swelling for a couple days? That’s not such an awful thing to think…Just then, a giant chandelier detaches from the ceiling and lands on Austin. Maybe…Jake gets out of bed and storms off. He comes back a second later with a flame thrower and…Then, Hurricane Irene swept in unexpectedly and washed the entire cast out to sea. They’re still out there somewhere, using their inflated lips as floatation devices and licking off their spray tans for nutrition.”

    Or…Austin says to Jake, ‘You’ll never get me out of The Vic’, and Jake proceeds to pummel him over the head with Pauline’s doorstop and bury him under the floor. No wait, that was EastEnders.

    The funniest thing about watching this show is imagining what you guys are going to say about it the next day. It’s the only reason I watch it. Well, that and (like I tweeted the other day) now that Rodiney is dating women, I’m waiting for someone to fix him up with Charo. If that does not happen, it will be one huge missed opportunity.

    –GothamTomato

    • Scott Hester-Johnson

      I am liking the image of Austin clobbered with the bust, buried in the square, dug up, raked in the neck, blown up and finally pushed off a Scottish cliff by Janine. That might bring back at least an iota of the soul I have lost watching these monsters.

  • Anonymous

    “Tlo said: Back in New York, Nyasha’s holding court at Embrace Your Hair, which, despite all indications to the contrary, is apparently a real business and not a front for an escort service.”

    You know, I’ve been wondering in which section of Craig’s List they placed the classified ad that found Nyasha. I was guessing it was ‘rants and raves’, but maybe you’re onto something.

    –GothamTomato

  • taodon

    I only clicked on this article because of the Madeline Kahn quote…

  • Anonymous

    Oh, Tom&Lorenzo, I love you both so much!

  • http://www.facebook.com/robert.sanchez1 Robert Sanchez

    Your recaps are the only thing I can tolerate about this show! I know it’s a struggle, but I thank you for recapping this so I don’t have to actually watch it!

    Will you guys be recapping “The A List: Dallas”? I may have to actually watch that one, since I live in the DFW area, and nothing would make me laugh more than hearing some self-important queens talking about how they’re going to this super-exclusive bar or restaurant, and see that it’s the same old ones that have been open for years and that anyone can get in.

    • http://twitter.com/ggore Glenn Gore

      I have visions of “The A List:  Dallas” consisting of something along the lines of “An evening at JR’s”, having spent quite a bit of time in Dallas in the past and running away screaming from that bar in an effort to get somewhere with a more butch crowd.    After watching (for 5 minutes) Nausea (spelling intended), I can’t wait to see what sort of screaming faghag they have come up with for the boys in Big D.  

  • Pennymac

    hahahaha caloused taints  snort ahaha! Thanks T and Lo for making this dreck far more entertaining. So sorry that you’re forced to watch if for us, though.

  • Anonymous

    I don’t know if you’ve reached a new low or a new high, but for the first time since episode three of last season, you’ve made me actually kinda want to watch this!  That and silly Derek proving that no one past the age of 19* can get away with Bieber hair, no matter how fabulous you (think you) are.
    (*Cute baby dykes excepted, they rock the Bieb better than the Bieb.) 

  • Anonymous

    I don’t know if you’ve reached a new low or a new high, but for the first time since episode three of last season, you’ve made me actually kinda want to watch this!  That and silly Derek proving that no one past the age of 19* can get away with Bieber hair, no matter how fabulous you (think you) are.
    (*Cute baby dykes excepted, they rock the Bieb better than the Bieb.) 

  • Anonymous

    Did anyone notice that the “model” with the attitude in Nysaha’s office was on Millionaire Matchmaker as a client? 

  • Anonymous

    Sounds to me that you guys are getting a little combat/rampant idiocy-fatigued. Good for the humor, but hey – if you need a little break, we’ll understand.

    Don’t want to hear that you’ve been spotted lurking in the “A-List” stomping grounds wearing trench coats and carrying lit sticks of dynamite.

    • Anonymous

      Took the words right out of my mouth.  TLo, your recaps are hilarious, but would we blame you if you gave up on a show we can’t bring ourselves to watch?  I’d forgive you.

  • Anonymous

    I love you TLo for doing this, that is all…

  • Anonymous

    The bigger the train wreck, the more fun the recaps are to read. Thank you, boys, for sitting through this, so that we do not have to.

  • Anonymous

    “Flames”… All these years later, Madeline Kahn still ROOOOLZ!

  • http://profiles.google.com/dchockeyguy Trevor Burroughs

    Please tell me this is the final episode ever.  They have set us back so many years, it’s scary. 

    Do you have PTSD yet from watching this show? I almost do from reading the recaps and trying ot think of what the show might actually be like.

  • http://twitter.com/ajlobster Anna Jayne

    “Just then, a giant chandelier detaches from the ceiling and lands on Austin. Maybe.”

    Oh, I love you. I have never seen this show and these recaps desk-bust me at work every time. For some reason, “Austin’s getting his teeth whitened and he needs Reichen there for emotional support” REALLY got me as well.

  • sweetlilvoice

    It took me several minutes to understand the recap photo of that boy with his mouth spread open. I kept thinking he was being tortured or turning into a clown (also a form of torture). Finally, teeth whitening dawned on me. I feel ashamed that all those years watching ANTM have gone to waste.

    Thanks for the recap! You’ve earned a star in your crowns.

  • sweetlilvoice

    It took me several minutes to understand the recap photo of that boy with his mouth spread open. I kept thinking he was being tortured or turning into a clown (also a form of torture). Finally, teeth whitening dawned on me. I feel ashamed that all those years watching ANTM have gone to waste.

    Thanks for the recap! You’ve earned a star in your crowns.

  • Anonymous

    I’m just popping in here to admire T Lo for honoring their commitment to cover this show.  I watched it the other night and couldn’t stand more than a few minutes.  T Lo, you must have better things to do, like bringing the minions more “man on the street” and monitoring the WW III-like comments sections for your project runway posts.

  • Anonymous

    God I love your recaps.  I’ve come to like the show b/c I think it’s a put on. Right? Like Flava of Love was a parody of The Bacehelor? The A List is totally a take off? Please tell me it’s not serious!

  • http://twitter.com/ggore Glenn Gore

    I don’t know why you guys marvel so much at the fact that this show takes place entirely within the confines of empty bars, restaurants, and other sites.    If the other patrons of these establishments are ANYTHING like a normal person, or like me, they wouldn’t be caught dead anywhere within 1000 miles of these stupid, vapid, stark-raving QUEENS!     Good lord, they are the complete embodiment of every known and heretofore unknown gay stereotype, from self-absorbed-ness, to affected speech with crystal-shattering “S”es to lord knows what else.    I tried watching this series but wanted to crawl under my sofa cushions with embarassment after only 5 minutes of listening to one of them try to tell another how much prettier they were than any other male on the planet.   Good lord what a waste of airtime!   

    A side note, when Queen-Bitch Josh of Project Runway’s reign comes to shattering ruin on that show, he will make a good addition to these queens since he is just like them.