American Horror Story: Nor’easter

Hey, remember last week when we said that we didn’t think Dr. Arden was necessarily an evil character? Well, how you like me now, nympho-Shelly? That’ll teach you not to laugh at a man’s penis.

PinOkay, so we were wrong about Arden, but since we have maintained all along that you can’t apply normal narrative or televisual rules to this show, we’re just going to hang on to that and proclaim ourselves right again. Also, those are our names up top so we can do anything we want.

As for this episode, well…uh…okay. This is the point in American Horror Story where we the reviewers and audience are simply going to have to decide to ride things out and not think about them too much, because that was one crazy, fucked-up hour of television, no? And we don’t mean it in the “WOW, that was one crazy, fucked-up hour of television!” sense so much as the “Oh jeez, that was one crazy fucked-up hour of television.” one.

A moment, please, before we continue, to observe the death of … whatever her name was; Jenna Dewan-Tatum’s character. We turned to each other, upset, and said “Our little TV star friend got killed off! Well, shit!” Or did she? What the hell is actually going on in the present-day scenes? So those two Bloody  Face guys were just… what? Serial killer fans? And then the real Bloody Face shows up?

Did you like the part where we acted like the story doesn’t make sense in the present-day scenes? Because the story doesn’t make sense, top to bottom, in EVERY scene. We’re struggling not to make this a complaint, because we’ve said all along that you can’t really apply the rules to a show like this, but well…okay, we’re gonna complain.

Sure, the rulesPin don’t apply, and at the end of last season’s equally fucked-up story, most of us looked back and said, “Hey, that was actually a lot of fun.” But that doesn’t mean that the show creators are going to pull the same trick off twice. We shouldn’t do it, but we’re starting to worry that season 2 might just go completely off the rails. That exact moment occurred when drunken Sister Jude (which we could have watched all night) came face to face with what looked like an alien to us.

For all it’s wackiness, last season was essentially a haunted house story with lots of flash. As of last night’s episode, we have a serial killer, aliens, a nun possessed by a demon, flesh-eating zombies, and torture porn in the form of Dr. Arden and his tiny penis. That’s just a tiny bit much, Ryan Murphy. And when you throw so much shit at the wall to try to get some of it to stick, you know what you wind up with?  A shit-covered wall.

Anyway, there was still some fun to be had. As we said, we’ll take Jessica Lange acting drunk and bitter any day of the week. Sister Mary Eunice and her slutty, demon-possessed ways are also a lot of fun, especially her lip-smacking joy at seeing Christian’s slaughtered in an old toga movie. Chloe Sevigny finally brought some real life to her character and made her relatable and vulnerable. And any time Zachary Quinto and Miss Jessica get to do a scene together, the paint on the walls crackles and bubbles and peels right off.  As for the escape attempt, we’re reminded of the many attempts made last season Pinto exit that damned house, and after a while, it just got boring and repetitive. We hope this is the last time we see an escape attempt. The story’s in the hospital and there it should stay.

Oh, who are we kidding? The story’s going to bounce all over the place before it’s done. For instance, what, exactly, was the point to Dr. Arden painting lipstick nipples on the Mary statue and calling her a whore before smashing it? Will there be repercussions to these actions? Will it play out somehow or be followed up on later in the story? What do you think?

We want to believe this is going somewhere and it’s all going to work in the end, but please, Ryan. Please don’t give us nothing more than a shit-covered wall this season.

[Photo Credit: FX – Stills: tomandlorenzo.com]

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