Posted on October 19, 2011

This is it, darlings! The birth of the most important baby in the history of human reproduction! But first, melodrama (and lots of discussion of Rachel’s vagina):

Mandana and Joey are in the offices of Zoe Worldwide, Inc., when she tells him about the fate of Jeremiah. Joey acts surprised.  “Oh my God, this kid’s, like, a genius,” says Mandana as a way of explaining the firing to a seriously doubtful Joey. Joey says he “totally feels for him,”  in a totally insincere way. Then they go on about his dirty fingernails and how he stores paint in his house, which they agree is weird.

Later, Marisa asks Rodger, “Aren’t we super-close to the due date?” as if she somehow just realized that Rachel is pregnant. Also, “super-close?” why does everything need to be so extreme with this crew? Rachel is “super-pregnant” and now she’s “super close” to giving super birth to Superboy. Rodger pleads with the team not to bother her for anything. Joey laughs and smirks and rolls his eyes. “The only thing that’s important is getting baby Berman out,” he tells them, while they all ignore him and text Rachel.

Back at the Rachel cave, Kendall, Marisa and Joey continue to bother Rachel while they pack for her hospital stay like she’s going on a cruise. A cruise with a red carpet.  “She needs a clutch if she’s going to take a Balmain jacket,” says Joey with a straight face, adding, in that typically over-the-top Team Zoe way,  “Rachel being pregnant has really split my brain down the middle. Does she know that a baby is going to come out of her vagina?” Well, you’ve certainly mentioned it enough times, Joey. “It’s such an unglamorous experience,” muses Rachel, feeling philosophical. “If I’m going to be a mess, I’m going to be a glamorous mess.” “You were the easiest pregnant person I’ve ever met,” gushes Marisa. “I’m actually pushing a human out of my body – and becoming a mother,” Rachel tells the camera, as if these were mutually exclusive experiences. We’re pretty sure pushing a human out of your body is pretty much how you become a mother.

Later, Rachel asks Joey to dress Molly Sims for an art opening in New York, and also to do her hair and makeup. If Jeremiah were still on staff, she’d probably order him to redecorate Molly’s apartment in 2 days’ time. Rachel says Joey can be a bit cocky. TELL US SOMETHING WE CAN’T SEE WITH OUR OWN EYES, RACHEL.  “I’m confident that I can do it. ” he tells her.

Rodger visits Neil Lane and they discuss the impending delivery as if Rachel is the Queen of England giving birth to the heir to the throne. Then, they go through Neil Lane’s entire inventory and lovingly display it for the camera. A couple of times, it looks like they’re going to start making out. Rodger breaks the tension by ordering Neil to put it in a box. He’s talking about a ring.

Joey and Mandana consult on his picks for Molly Sims. She trashes them and causes Joey to doubt himself, which has never happened before. Later, in New York,  Joey’s identical, but ten years older twin brother Elie comes to the hotel room and also trashes the dresses.  Joey tells us that Elie is to him what Joey is to Rachel.  A sycophant?  “Family always makes you question yourself.” says Joey, sadly. Later, Molly comes over and tries on a bunch of dresses that look totally wrong on her, which makes us think that maybe Elie and Mandana were right. But she picks the Rachel Roy dress (the one most paraded in front of the camera, not coincidentally) and it looks great on her. They airkiss way too many times. Rachel tells us she’s pleased.

At 4 am, Rachel’s water breaks, Rodger shoots a lot of video of her with messy hair, she tells him to knock it the fuck off, and that’s the last we see of Rachel until she’s leaving the hospital.

After ten hours of labor, Marisa and Kendall meet to discuss putting the nursery together. They decide – what a twist! – that Jeremiah should be called and he should take care of it. Come on, who didn’t see that coming? They talked non-stop about how they didn’t want to put the nursery together yet because they’re Jewish. Once Jeremiah was fired, we knew he was going to come back as the Gentile to save them all. So yaddayaddayadda, ohmigod the mattress isn’t delivered yet wait is that the doorbell hurray the mattress is here you’re so wonderful Jeremiah kthanxbai.

At the hospital Rodger reveals that having a baby is nothing like the movies. PLEASE. We’re two queens and even we knew that. Then there’s lots of video of people kissing a newborn baby and even we’re not so bitchy as to make jokes about that. “I’ve never loved anything this much in my life,” says Rachel. Daw.

Mazel tov, Bermans!

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