To be honest, with the book on deadline and everything, we felt like we couldn’t take on any more TV blogging at the moment, since it’s infinitely more time-consuming than red carpet and celebrity commentary. We made the sad decision to skip the blogging of The Rachel Zoe Project this season, even though she told us personally that she loves us. We felt bad. Then a funny thing happened. We sat down to watch the entire block of Wednesday night Bravo programming known as “Fashion Night,” and found ourelves far more entertained than we expected to be. Partially because both The Rachel Zoe Project and It’s a Brad, Brad World seemed to have a renewed focus on fashion and styling instead of painfully tedious interpersonal melodarama. Add the hilarious Dukes of Melrose, two bitchy queens who run a high-end vintage store catering to a celebrity clientele, and we felt like we’d come home, darlings.
So what did we decide to do after decided we didn’t have enough time to blog another show right now? Hey, let’s add all three to the roster! We never said we were smart about our time management, dolls.
The Rachel Zoe Project: There was more of a focus on the fashion world in last week’s episode, which centered on Rachel and Rodger running around to various Fashion Week shows and staging their own. Marriage and baby drama seemed to have been put aside for a welcome glimpse into the unique world Zoe & Co. spend their time in. Also: Rachel got bangs and this spun the earth off its axis momentarily. This week there’s more of a focus on the sales end of the business as Mandana and Rachel have a meeting with bunch of semi-bitchy Nordstrom buyers who dress like shit and purse their lips at Rachel’s collection. Rachel can’t understand why the women of America don’t want to wear maxi-skirts and presents herself as an example of how to look great in one, failing to note or acknowledge that she is roughly 1/8 the size of the average person. Rachel tells the bitches at Nordstrom that ‘This is how the cool girls dress and that’s all I’m gonna say.” Then she gets up and keys their lockers on the way out. Rachel and Rodger visit their soon-to-be-opened salon (Editor’s Note: What?), which is at the moment a space suitable for hosting a rave or storing office furniture. The artist’s rendering of the finished salon looks roughly like a bathroom in Versailles. Rachel tells us that she knows the salon will get done in time, exactly the way she wants it. This assures the audience that the salon is going to be a major hassle and there will be tears and screaming before it’s all over. Back at Zoe International, suddenly they have 15,000 employees and 3 million square feet of office space. Or something. The rest of the episode hinges on the fact that her massive, overworked, international staff can’t find a brown sweater. But mostly, it’s just Rachel telling everyone they’re “Maje,” and little “Sky-sky” shrieking his head off because Mommy insists on dressing him in hats more suitable for elderly Jewish men. Also: Rodger is frustrated about something. CONSTANTLY.
It’s a Brad, Brad World: Brad is in NY with his suddenly expanded staff of heavy-lidded hipsters. He informs them helpfully (through name-dropping) that they all have fittings with Christina Ricci, Stacy Keibler, Jessica Alba and Petra Nemcova.They meet her at the Diesel store in Soho to fit her for an outfit for the Diesel show. Brad surveys the racks and tells us that one needs “Terminator vision” to do his job and that his laser visor helps him make decisions. Also, this comes out of his mouth: “When Petra Nemcova walks into a room, you are like, ‘What happened when you were made?” Petra essentially ignores all of Brad’s suggestions and winds up choosing jeans, a t-shirt, and a leather jacket. Everyone acts like this is the ne plus ultra of style. Just outside on the street, out of camera range, someone dressed in Petra Nemcova’s Diesel show ensemble walks by every 15 seconds. Later, Brad talks about taking a dump in front of his staff. Brad asks his staff if it’s okay if he talks about taking a dump in front of them. Staff members are confused as to whether he means talking in front of them or dumping in front of them. The next morning, Thomas the assistant stylist is still asleep and hasn’t delivered looks to Petra’s hotel. “I don’t know how we sleep through alarms now,” muses Brad. So true. Thomas strolls in much later, looking sleepy. Then again, he always seems to look that way. “I don’t play the boss card a lot,” Brad tells us, before he plays the boss card and threatens to fire Thomas if it happens again. Brad has learned a Very Important Lesson: “If I wasn’t comfortable talking about poop, this never would have happened.”
Dukes of Melrose: Previously on: Two queens: “We’re not partners, we’re business partners!” Christos: “I’m frugal!” Jared: “I’m not frugal. And I dress like Liberace on spa day.” This week: Oscar season! The boys get a phone call from Melissa McCarthy’s manager who asks Cameron to style her for the Oscars. Christos asks Cameron how he’s going to handle the task of dressing Melissa for the Oscars with almost no time to spare. Cameron purses his lips, arches an eyebrow and asks the room, “What would Jesus do?” We can assume that what follows is the answer to that question, so apparently Jesus picks a fairly ugly gown that has to have major alterations to fit her and still comes out looking like an unmade bed. In other news, Christos gets invited to the Elton John party by his good friend Garcelle Beauvais, who just happened to stop by the store the day before the Oscars to pick out a gown for it. Christos reacts like a gay kid on gay Christmas morning. We admit, we’re jealous. Garcelle informs us that it’s all good, because “I get a hot date and I don’t have to put out at the end of the night.” This makes us sad for Garcelle and her presumed dating life. Later, Garcelle calls Christos at the last minute as he’s trying on bow ties that look like furry insects to tell him that something suddenly came up. She claims she had an allergic reaction to her makeup, but that just made us laugh long and hard. Christos is crestfallen. We admit, we’re mean because we’re jealous. He is forced to dress his very cute husband in a tuxedo and party with Elton John. Now we actively hate him. The next morning, Cameron and Christos review all the Oscar gowns very bitchily, which makes us love them again, mainly because these are the conversations T Lo have EVERY SINGLE MORNING. Cameron asks Christos about the Elton John party and Christos responds in a manner that elevates him to gay sainthood. “The fashion was pretty bad with all those Kardashian people around.” Then Cameron asks Christos for his opinion on Melissa McCarthy’s dress. Christos reveals that smooth diplomacy is not on his list of skills. “You- you- you did, you know, you did-you did-you did your, you know, best.” “If you stare someone in the eyes for longer than 5 seconds,” Cameron informs us, “it means you want to have sex with them or kill them.” He stares at Christos for 5 seconds.
[Photo Credit: Bravo TV]