Bravo’s Fashion Night Recap

Posted on March 21, 2013

The Rachel Zoe Project: Rachel is packing 200 suitcases for Paris Fashion Week. “Do you need 4 furry black jackets?” asks Roger, impotently. Rachel tells him that, since there is absolutely no possible way to know what the weather will be like in Paris that week, she is forced to bring everything she owns, in case there are blizzards or extended droughts while she’s there. In Paris, Rachel coughs all over everything. “I litrilly have no voice left,” she rasps on the way to the Louis Vuitton show.

Backstage, rasping, coughing hoarse Rachel kisses Marc Jacobs 20 times on each cheek in succession, ensuring that he will drop to the floor with flu symptoms at his after-party later that night. “I don’t want to talk about it,” says Rachel about the show. “Let’s not talk about it.” This is a compliment, in Rachel-speak, in case you don’t know. After that, it’s off to the Giambattista Valli show, where Rachel infects every attendee and a dozen models, by coughing and kissing her way through the room. She’s like FBBMarch21+1Gwyneth Paltrow in Contagion, except she doesn’t die.

Back at their hotel room, Rodger reveals he’s ridden with leprosy. They cough and scratch at each other. Later, at the Valentino show, people start dropping dead as soon as the Zoe-Bermans enter the room. Escaping before they can be blamed, Typhoid Rachel and her twitchy sidekick meet up with Pamela and Sky-Sky at the Tuileries Garden. Rodger somehow convinces Rachel to get on a merry-go-round. “But it has germs,” she rasps and coughs. As the ride starts, Rachel declares she’s going to die and says “Oh my God” 400 times rapidly in one minute. “Merry-go-rounds are, like, bleh,” she later informs us.

Rodger manages to let us know that he cleans his hands after he takes a shit.

Back at Zoe International, there’s some sort of crisis that Mandana’s handling and the team needs to do something very important in a very short period of time. There’s a lot of wrapping dresses in plastic and then putting them in boxes. We went to the bathroom. Not together, you weirdos.

Following Rodger’s lead, we washed our hands and got back just in time to see the Zoe-Bermans enter the Chanel show. Inside, models walk on a catwalk so vast that people in the front row sit 30 feet away from them. “I just look at him,” says Rachel about Karl Lagerfeld, “And I’m like…” This, too, is a huge compliment in Rachel-speak. Backstage, Karl allots precisely six seconds to pretending he gives a shit what she thinks of his collection. After that, he pushes her into the crowd and heads off to speak to thinner people.

Later, Rodger enlists an UBER-Gay to buy Rachel a purse. We are mesmerized by the over-waxed brows, so most of this flew past us. It’s a nice purse?

Even later, they all go to the Louvre to look at jewelry. This is like going to Egypt for the swimming pools. After that, Rachel has eyeliner applied and they head off to the Elie Saab show. Rachel tells us that his target audience is “women who want to wear beautiful dresses.” Oh. THOSE women. Talk about a micro-niche market.

Later still, Rachel and Rodger look at shoes and dresses. “Oh. Alaia,” she says with awe. Then she sees her designs on a mannequin. Mandana came through once again! We think. Kind of adorably, Rachel poses for a picture in front of them for Rodger. Kind of weirdly, she starts kissing the mannequins. Rachel tells us she’s jealous of the French because they can eat a pound of butter with cheese on it and still be chic. We’re having a hard time believing that Rachel actually wishes she could eat a pound of butter with cheese on it. The woman gags at the sight of a raspberry.

Later, Rodger gives her the UBER-Gay-chosen purse, even though she says she’d never marry him if she could do it over again. “I’m leaving Paris just … inspired,” she says.

It’s a Brad, Brad World: Brad forces his long-suffering assistant to spend 15 minutes every morning complimenting him on his ass. “Everyone’s so jealous of your ass,” she says, popping her gum and flipping through In Touch Weekly. They have fittings with Stacy Keibler, Rashida Jones and a shoot for Candy magazine. Brad does a Martha Grahame schtick with a Philip Lim maxi-dress and we have to say we’re impressed by the reference. His assistants, however, numbly stare at him, unaware of anything that predates the 21st Century.FBBMarch21+2

Brad and Gary are moving out of their house. Gary expresses puzzlement that anyone would move their food when they move from one house to another. Brad expresses Canadian confusion at the idea. We express the American version. Gary is insistent. That’s weird.

Rashida shows up and Brad’s assistant insists they’re good friends and then immediately worries that she shouldn’t have said that, absolutely answering the question of whether or not they’re actually friends (not). They hug and Rashida looks deeply uncomfortable. Otherwise, she’s very sweet and cute and it’s fun to watch a fitting session with her. To see the nuts and bolts of styling is the best part of this show. It acts as a counterpart to Rachel’s show, which depicts a far more glamorous and on-another-level lifestyle.

Later Brad and Hannah do the Candy Magazine shoot with trans-lady Connie Fleming and again, we have no jokes to make because it’s just kind of fun and fabulous to watch. Connie is very sweet and professional, and she makes a great model for Brad’s styling.

Brad and Gary go through their moving boxes. Brad reveals an entire garage full of knick-knacks that he bought for the new house without telling Gary. This is the oddest move we’ve ever heard of. No food, but a deck of Pierre Cardin playing cards. Gary is incredulous that he went and bought all this stuff without telling him. “I can’t have him, like, look rudely at everything,” Brad sniffs before stomping out ineffectively in his fluffy bedroom slippers.

Brad and his team look at pictures of Rashida wearing dresses. Then they all collapse into a couch, laughing, like something from a sitcom credits sequence.

Dukes of Melrose: Sigrid is in Decades! Sigrid wants McQueen! Crisis! Where’s the McQueen? SHE WANTS THE MCQUEEN OH THE HUMANITY. Sigrid leaves before they find the McQueen. Christos weeps and informs us that if they had a manager on staff, this fashion carnage wouldn’t have happened. Later, Christos and Cameron interview this absolutely gorgeous Argentinian guy for the manager job. They try not to drool. We think he comes across smarmy and cocky, but hey. That probably works for high-end retail. Then he informs the boys that he doesn’t like phone calls after hours. Christos pulls on a giant lever and gorgeous guy falls through a trap door in the floor and gets sent down a tube that deposits him right outside the Walmart employment office.

Decades is having a shoe sale! Without a manager! Christos alternates between running around the store freaking out and nailing himself to a cross. Cameron walks through the scene every now and then, raises an eyebrow, and walks out again. His outfits get increasingly odd with each appearance.

Cameron informs us that his talents don’t lie with 150-dollar shoes, but rather 15,000-dollar dresses. He proceeds to prove his point by unloading a high-end gown on a wealthy socialite. “She’s not the kind of woman who waits on line to buy a pair of shoes,” he sniffs.

FBBMarch21+3He later goes on to prove it further by showing up on sales day dressed like a pimp and insulting every woman who walks in the door. Admittedly, he was very funny, but we have no idea how they managed to make a sale with him loudly instructing the women to disinfect the shoes when they get them home and announcing, “This is not Kmart.” or “This selection sucks!” Christos rips strips of wallpaper off the walls and eats them in frustration. Women claw and beat each other for a pair of Jimmy Choos. Humanity’s dark underbelly is revealed before us.

The sale lasts for 40 straight hours of sheer hell, and there is blood smeared on the walls and shell-shocked cashiers rocking in fetal positions by the time it’s all over. Christos is weeping over piles of money and Cameron informs the room that he’d rather have explosive diarrhea than ever do this again. With a sweep of his glitter cape and a flare of his nostrils, he leaves. “This would have been so much better if we had a manager,” weeps Christos.

The next morning, Cameron and Christos have a business meeting where they hiss and claw at each other like two cats fighting over an empty tuna can.  “I can’t do it anymore, ” says Christos. “Next time, on Dukes of Melrose!”

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  • charlotte

    I’m just laughing about an imaginary mix-up of Stacy Keibler’s and Rashida’s outfits.
    And of course about “Even later, they all go to the Louvre to look at jewelry. This is like going to Egypt for the swimming pools.” Genius!

  • editrixie

    I thought Brad styling Rashida was the most interesting takeaway from the episode, but I also wondered if TLo had ever reviewed that dress or not…

    His assistants make me want to get my slapping hand warmed up.

    • StrandedFashionista

      I just looked. T & Lo. didn’t review any of the looks featured on the show.

  • http://dontmakeitlikeimdumb.blogspot.com/ annabelle archer

    “I’ve worked eleven days in a row!” Bitch, please. Find some reality and get a grip.

    I love that they can’t find a manager because selling one’s soul and having no determinable off time is a major requirement. I mean, hey at least they are honest, but good luck on that hunt in L.A.

  • CarolinLA

    Cutting Brad down to half an hour was really smart. Taking his crap (and all that poop talk from the first episode) in 22 minute segments is really best. ADORE Gary. Follow him on Twitter. He’s hilarious.

    • BookishBren

      I love love love Gary too. His “gay friend” tweets are HILARIOUS!!!!

  • Little_Olive

    Re. Rachel Zoe: Can’t stop laughing. You made my afternoon.

    Except “Even later, they all go to the Louvre to look at jewelry. This is like going to Egypt for the swimming pools.” I actually love ancient jewelry and it’s one of the things I look for at museums (I didn’t see the show so I don’t really know what they were looking at).

    • MilaXX

      I have to admit, if I was in Paris, I’d go see that Van Cleef show. Mind you that would not be my only reason to go to the Lourve, but it would be on my must see list.

  • hughman

    Brad with trans-model Connie Flemming was just embarrassing.

    Brad, honey, she’s not a drag queen, she’s a transexual woman. Your little jokes about your “drag name” and all the snap-snaps and affectations were just weird and could be read as insulting. While I was surprised and impressed about your Martha Graham knowledge (limited to her dress and stance, obvs), perhaps you should school yourself a little about the delicacies of gender politics. Especially when you’re about to work for a fashion magazine for transexuals. Yikes.

    • http://dontmakeitlikeimdumb.blogspot.com/ annabelle archer

      Maybe that’s why he never got his walking lesson. You know the one he was bitter about yet that he kept reiterating he didn’t need. Connie is NOT Miss J, hello.

      • hughman

        LOL. Yeah, she didn’t seem too impressed with him at all.

    • DonnaL

      Typical. I’ve met and heard about way too many gay men who are convinced that trans women are basically just gay men who got carried away. In other words, they’re completely clueless, and can be ridiculously transphobic. (Fortunately for me, my son isn’t like that at all!)

  • mjude

    so far i have only watched dukes (which i like) & have read TLO’s review. i just can hardly take rachel & even brad this year.

  • Susan Collier

    What? Rodger descends into poo talk? Does he no longer talk about Baby-baby-baby now that they have one?

  • MilaXX

    I love the Bravo Fashion night, but since I also watch Southland & The Americans, it’s DVR hell. Somehow Dukes didn’t get taped which may be a good thing since the Decades sale was also an online sale and I may have been tempted to shop.
    I’m loving RZ this season. It’s fake as all get out, but no underlings are being horribly yelled at, the fashions are really nice and Sky – Sky is truly a cute kid.
    I’m team Brad on moving with food. Sure you may toss the container with 10 nuts left, but anything half full or more is coming with me. I guess we have Brad to thank for Rashida look better on the RC lately.

  • MsALVA

    I am loving Dukes of Melrose. I find it 1000% more fascinating than the stylist shows. I never knew about the business of high-end consignment and I am loooooooving all the vintage fashion. Each episode is like a lesson in fashion history and it’s amazing how well a lot of that vintage couture ages and fits right in with today’s styles. That purple 70′s gown that Cameron sold was stunning and I could totally see that going down a runway today.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jessica-TallGirl-Freeman/1043623567 Jessica TallGirl Freeman

    The Rachel Zoe recap is fantastically hilarious. Bravo Uncles.

  • RedRaven617

    I hate Rachel Zoe. For no reason other than seeing her is like fingernails on a blackboard. Even in still photos.

  • poggi

    I am thankful for the existence of these shows, the existence of these PEOPLE, because of your hilarious recaps. Thank you.

  • BookishBren

    The Rachel recap was simply perfect. I snorted several times. HAHA! As a germphobe, I was horrified by her coughing and hacking all over everyone. Not coincidentally, I did take a shower after watching this morning…..

    I am liking the change in the RZ show. Last season was just odd and they clearly knew they needed to change it up. I am not minding the lack of Joey (he is quite boring) or all of the interaction with assistants. Been there, done that. Love the change.

    I am with Brad. When we moved to another state, our moving company would not move anything liquid, even if it was sealed, but we did move canned goods, cereals, pasta, etc. Maybe that is the way uber wealthy Americans move but I think the average person moves non-perishables.

  • PastryGoddess

    So happy to see this addition to our weekly recaps. But boys…how do you do it? Don’t you have like 11 million other things to do?

  • crash1212

    I loved seeing the snippets of the Paris shows…the Vuitton Escalator Escapade was magnifique. As for Rachel – what’s left to say except…STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR BANGS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

  • Dhammadina

    Inspired, hilarious, spot-on commentary on all three shows. Thank you thank you thank you.

  • c8h10n4o2

    I have to say, as entertaining as Dukes is, I’ve ditched it for L.A. Frock Stars on the Smithsonian Channel (?!) REALLY good vintage and information, less drama, and the first episode was half just watching Dita von Teese try on vintage couture. Heaven.

    • http://twitter.com/omg_dora Dora K.

      Ooh, I’ve heard about that one! Thanks for the recommendation! I tried watching Zoe and I tried Dukes, but the music-video editing makes all these shows look exactly the same to me. Shiny people having meaningless dramas and saying funny/weird one-liners. I can’t focus.

      • c8h10n4o2

        The first episode is on the website. I want to go drinking and shopping with Doris in the worst way. The third episode is buying trip in Texas that made me want to cry.

  • mmc2315

    What a fun recap! I feel like I need to watch these shows now!

  • Jana33

    The Rachel Zoe recap is the best you’ve ever done. I can’t watch her anymore, it’s just too painful. I would love to know what Uncle Karl really thinks about her.

  • kathrineb

    I haven’t had the chance to watch The Rachel Zoe Project for a long time, but there is no way it could be as entertaining as this recap.