The Boys of “The Expendables 3” Poledance

Posted on August 08, 2014

Four old drunks travel the world, punching photographers and getting arrested while their prissy gay sidekick stands by helplessly, constantly primping to cover the anxiety.

Tell us we got it wrong:

The-Expendables-The-Boys-Red-Carpet-Premieres-Photocalls-Part-2-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (1)Kellan Lutz, Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Antonio Banderas, and Wesley Snipes attend “The Expendables 3” France premiere.

The-Expendables-The-Boys-Red-Carpet-Premieres-Photocalls-Part-2-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (2)

Here are your style archetypes on display:

Mafioso, Mafioso, Mafiaso, Middle-Aged Dude In Tragic Boot-cut Jeans and a Mike Brady Perm, Guy Who Just Got Out of Jail.



The-Expendables-The-Boys-Red-Carpet-Premieres-Photocalls-Part-2-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (3)Kellan Lutz, Antonio Banderas, Sylvester Stallone, Wesley Snipes, and Jason Statham attend “The Expendables 3” French Photocall.

The-Expendables-The-Boys-Red-Carpet-Premieres-Photocalls-Part-2-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (4)

And here we have:

Gay Man, Middle-aged Gay Man, Mafioso At a Family Barbecue, Cosby Sweater, Sleazy Guy Who Only Dates Strippers With Daddy Issues.


The-Expendables-The-Boys-Red-Carpet-Premieres-Photocalls-Part-2-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (5)Antonio Banderas, Jason Statham, Sylvester Stallone, Wesley Snipes, and Kellan Lutz attend “The Expendables 3” Germany premiere. 

The-Expendables-The-Boys-Red-Carpet-Premieres-Photocalls-Part-2-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (6)

And to wrap things up:

Recently Divorced Mid-life Crisis, Hitman, Aging Strip Joint Bouncer, Guy Who Just Got Out of Jail, Gay Man Trying To Look More Masculine By Putting on a Newsboy Cap and Not Shaving.

You’d think Snipes had been in jail since 1996, judging by his style sense.






[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

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  • Nikko Viquiera

    Atleast they seem to be trying to coordinate. Annnnnd that’s all I have.

  • HeisenbergHattie

    The wandering albatross has the largest wingspan of any living bird ….. but Stallone’s is bigger.

  • I’m going out on a limb and guessing that Banderas and Snipes both have teenage daughters. The duckface in that first pictures seems very practised.

    • MartyBellerMask

      They do indeed. Excellent call.

  • RussellH88

    Sly, Antonio, and Wesley look like 3 Fantasy Football buddies who won an ESPN contest to walk the read carpet for the newest movie staring Jason Statham and Kellan Lutz.

    • WendyD


  • PeggyOC

    Sly. Lay off the blusher. Seriously.

    • HeisenbergHattie

      Have you ever googled Sly’s mom? The blusher is simply a hat tip to his ‘mum’. (who is nutz)

  • carnush

    At least Stallone looks like he’s having fun. Mr. Lutz just looks really uncomfortable.

    • ShaoLinKitten

      Lutz has that expression on his face like they other four are wafting a very unpleasant odor… let’s call it Old Guy Smell.

      • another_laura

        I bet the powerful after-shave / cologne combination from these five would be enough to send me retching in a corner.

        • ShaoLinKitten

          The one-two punch of aftershave laid over yesterday’s bourbon and cigar stench… no wonder poor Kellan Lutz is clenching!

    • Sophie

      Love the picture where Stallone is standing with open arms and looking at Kellan Lutz like he’s wondering what he is still doing here.

    • sk8tfan

      He looks like the designated driver who’s sober so he doesn’t find the drunks as funny as they find themselves.

  • xay

    Wesley Snipes has been entertaining me this entire poledance – he has the entire “black man of a certain age” dream wardrobe, down to the enormous gold rings. If one if those rings has the face of an owl with diamond eyes, it would be perfect. I expect to hear about him on the next Tom Joyner cruise.

    • Leslie Streeter

      I’m a black girl with several male relatives who would kill for that leather coat. And that diamond eyes ring? classic.

      • conlakappa

        And a thousand Cousin Ronnies just shed a tear and they don’t know why!

    • JasmineAM

      I’m just waiting for the all white party outfit.

      • MartyBellerMask

        (the last post)

    • Sam Smith

      I think he looks the best out of the bunch, and he’s having some fun too.

  • Anna

    There’s some funny red carpet photos from this poledance, I’ll give them that. Kellan looks SOOO uncomfortable and is wearing a lot of undereye concealer in the first two shots. The rest look hammered.

    • Kimbolina

      His under eye area is GLOWING in those shots…

      • Anna

        The bronzer isn’t helping!

    • sekushinonyanko

      Lord, I thought the poor baby just had a sunglasses tan…

  • Wow this is so very sad. I think I need to go cry now.

    • decormaven

      Antonio looks like a tiny wounded bird here. All my previous images of him are dissolving.

      • Its as though they are all manifesting a desperate need to remain relevant. Its a bit embarrassing looking.

    • StellaZafella

      Are they trying to be the “Rat Pack” sequel?…It’s not working, The Rat Pack wore matching tuxes and could sing and dance drunk.

      • More like “The Splat Pack” As in fall down, go splat.

        • ShaoLinKitten

          Please, can this be what we call them now? The Splat Pack. Because I have to say, this is the most entertaining poledance that TLo has covered, ever. And by entertaining, I mean, that combination of sad and hilarious that never fails to fascinate.

        • Le_Sigh

          That’s it – between the uncles captions and this I’ve officially honked with laughter 6 times in the last 10 seconds.

  • Michael_Jones

    In the second set of captions, where you referred to Banderas as “Middle-aged Gay Man,” I thought, “Wait. I dress like that.” Ohhh…

  • Capt. Renault

    Hitman is a pretty good look for Statham.

    • sundaynightaddict

      I think that’s simply by virtue of the fact that he buttoned his collar and put on a tie for a change. I always want him to look better than he does. He has the kind of body that would look great in a good suit, but he always ends up looking schlumpy or cheesy.

    • marlie

      It’s pretty much his only look.

      • ShaoLinKitten

        To be fair, he also does Sleazy Strip Club Owner from time to time, and does it well.

  • CPK1

    what happened to Antonio Banderas? I would have thought he would have aged differently. And he has quite the selection of lady jeans at his disposal

    • Leslie Streeter

      He’s a sad divorcee now. I wish that those guys, who I imagine have a jillion ex-wives between them, could have given him some tips. Pull yourself together, girl. There’s cameras

    • EarthaKitten

      You know what they say about couples starting to look alike as the years fly by — Antonio has the same dissipated look that Melanie Griffith has. Looks like both of them could use an infusion of protein and a new hair stylist. Was this guy really Zorro?

      • smayper

        MAJOR points for “dissipated.” Spot on, and one of those wonderful expressive words that should get out more often.

    • MartyBellerMask

      Call Bruce Willis’ people, STAT.

    • @Biting Panda

      Karma shows up on your face. I deeply believe that.

      • conlakappa

        Or an ex-wife’s curse once you’ve dumped her for Melanie G.

  • decormaven

    Hopes are up for some sizzling sausage later on; this is warmed-over fare at best.

  • CPK1

    these photocalls with T Lo commentary are making my day, I have to say

  • Capt. Renault

    Wait — are Banderas and Snipes wearing the *same* jacket in the last picture?

    • decormaven

      The publicist finally started looking at the photocall shots and noticed there is a measurable lack of active testosterone here. Leather jackets were ordered to amp it up. Dear publicist- you could wrap these fellas in head to toe leather and it wouldn’t help.

      • MartyBellerMask

        OMG, Spot. On. I 100% believe this happened.

      • @Biting Panda

        But The Lutz might be happier.

    • luludexter

      OMG I think they are!

  • Anapestic

    If this post is indicative of how Sausage Friday is going to go, I may become temporarily vegan.

    Remember when Antonio Banderas was hott?

    • Imma Mäder

      oh yes, count me in. Especially Banderas is just making me sad and this post (except for the hilarious mr. snipes) made me fear aging, which is not a good thing on a friday. or ever

      • decormaven

        Here’s consolation from an old soul, Wordsworth: “There was a time when meadow, grove, and stream, The earth, and every common sight,To me did seem Apparell’d in celestial light, The glory and the freshness of a dream. It is not now as it hath been of yore;”

        • Imma Mäder

          thanks for the literary pick-me-up!

    • MartyBellerMask

      I demand fresher sausage!! This is like mail order Fingerhut sausage.

      • lunchcoma

        I’d like mine either fresh or finely aged. Moldering sausage that was forgotten on the back of the shelf won’t do!

  • MarissaLG

    I just picture Antonio slapping Kellan on the back saying, “Us young guys have to stick together, eh?”
    And his reply, “Uhh, sure. Whatever you say, Mr. Banderas. I mean, Antonio.”
    “I told you to call me Tony, now!”
    “Right. Sorry. Tony.”

  • Mrs. Julien

    And yet… Statham.

    Somewhere in that line up is the world’s most depressing game of FMK.

    • marlie

      For real. Can I abstain?

    • lunchcoma

      I’m feeling brave:

      F: Statham. Obviously. Remove the offending suits and all will be well.
      M: Lutz. We can be shopping buddies together.
      K: Stallone, mostly because my father likes his movies and has forced me to sit through one to many of them.

      • demidaemon

        I love your reasoning.

  • NMMagpie

    I see nothing but fake skintones and bad makeup. But I would probably have the time of my life sitting, drinking beer, and watching the game with these guys.

  • yayito83

    is it weird that i dont mind at all Sylvester’s looks? i think he looks good, from a Stallone perspective i mean. The rest of them can go home, specially Kellan

    • mshesterp

      Agreed…For looking exactly like an aged bouncer/boxer, I think he’s cleaning up remarkably well.

  • Funkykatt

    You guys (TLo, not the boys on display) make me laugh out loud. Thank you

    • Imma Mäder

      actually, both the guys on display and the wonderful uncles

  • BarniClaw

    Oh, man, I laughed and laughed at your captions for each of these. So so funny. You guys are the best. And as a side note: Am I imaging things or can I see Kellam’s, um, you know…in that second set of pics?

  • NBG

    It is a toss up as to whether this pole dance goes through more booze, Viagra or Botox.

    I thought Antonio had hit bottom with the ripped jeans from the other day. Clearly I was not anticipating the horrid polo and dad jeans combo.

    • conniemd

      That reall did make me laugh out loud.

      Though in actuality, my caption would be “if you saw these guys coming down the sidewalk towards you, cross quickly over to the other side.”

    • conlakappa

      I bet they’re awash in Vitalis and Halston Z14 too!

  • Not a great start to Sausage Friday.

    • SugarSnap108

      But it’s damn funny.

  • tbarranti

    Man, this was NSFW – I’m busting out laughing over here, and no one has any idea why!

  • Emily Smith

    Well at least someone made Antonio wear slacks in the last one instead of horrendous jeans.

    • ktr33

      those aren’t even dad jeans; they’re MOM jeans!

      • Emily Smith

        Every time he’s been in jeans he’s looked like a tiny timid man with feminine features. I’m pretty sure it’s not the look he’s going for.

  • Pennymac

    What a way to start my Friday, Uncles. Beyond Hysterical!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • MartyBellerMask

    Kellan Lutz doesn’t hide his embarrassment very well.

  • James

    The sidekick is still the most hilarious thing here because the older guys just don’t care and are having fun. He’s actually trying.

  • histrogeek

    Antonio is either taking his divorce really hard or he’s decided he hates premiers. Most people garden in more formal clothes than he’s wearing.

    • Wink

      He is defiantly wearing all of the clothes that Melanie would not let him wear when they were married.

  • marlie

    Overall, Sly and Statham win, but that’s not saying a whole lot. Kellan needs to stay away from the shiny suit, and Banderas needs to stay away from the dad jeans. Snipes needs to stay away from… everything he’s drawn to.

    • halleygee

      Stallone needs to stay away from the blush/bronzer.

      • Gatto Nero

        That is some serious persimmon face.

      • MilaXX

        and the plastic surgeon

  • ktr33

    An unexpected number of dad-jeans up in there. And I think Antonio is wearing MOM jeans in that middle shot. i.e., you got it RIGHT. If anything, you were too kind. Train wreck, can’t bear it, can’t look away.

  • Tuneful54

    I got nuthin, you guys are making me laugh so hard. But I’m shocked by Banderas–is he about to come out of the closet or announce he’s got a terminal disease? Or is his new singledom not agreeing with him after all?

  • evave2

    Usually I read comments and then comment. But reading YOUR little blurb made me laugh so much I had to do an asthma inhaler here first thing in the morning. Thank you? Well, thank you. I can stand the laughter into coughing because I am SO HAPPY now.

    That hat Kellan Lutz is wearing in the last shot is priceless. THAT is a true WTF moment.

    • Baghag

      Seriously! I was just going to post the exact same thing! I laughed so hard I started wheezing! I needed to take two puffs!

  • Janet B

    I’m torn between the hilarity of your captions and the sadness of what those men once were.

    • Tuneful54

      I think Stallone’s still got it at times, and here could have stepped right out of “Jersey Boys.”

  • Bonnie Blue

    Spot on!

  • AshBookworm

    Oh, Antonio. ‘The Skin I Live In’ was only three years ago. He looked so good, in the film and during promotion. He’s still incredibly sexy. Get yourself a stylist Antonio and you’ll instantly be wetting panties again.

  • samo_samo

    Too funny, too true. Gotta love’em for trying.

  • smh4748

    This is one of my favorite TLo posts ever. I chortled.

  • Wesley Snipes gives me LIFE.

    • Kitten Mittons

      The Cosby sweater with the matching hat, perched just so. I just can’t stop looking at it. It is mesmerizing.
      And I love the “Rocky” pose that Stallone is getting ready to strike in the last picture. Flog it til it’s dead, darlin’.

      • Irrational love for Wesley Snipes, we can thank Too Wong Foo for that. “Little Latin boy in drag, why are you crying?”

        • Kitten Mittons

          No, it’s rational love. I love that movie!

          • demidaemon

            Same here!

        • demidaemon

          It truly is rational love. He is awesome, and, clearly, having a blast as usual.

          I think he should use that line on Antonio.

          • Constant Reader

            Just choked on my lunch a little laughing at that last line. But I’m okay!

          • demidaemon

            I’m glad you are okay. I hope it didn’t ruin your lunch!

          • Constant Reader

            Not at all! You made it more fun. 🙂

  • ljh

    These Sausage Friday photos constitute an excellent persuasive argument for vegetarianism.

  • boweryboy

    Every bit of sexiness I thought Antonio Banderas had has been sapped out of me by this pole dance. I don’t know what’s worse, the hair or the jeans. Cosby sweater Wesley looks like he’s channeling his inner Noxzema Jackson. Stallone’s mugging in every photo is ridiculous. And it’s clear by everyone’s body language, especially Lutz’s, that none of them are letting Lutz in on the fun. I bet they’re giving him a hard time. I can hear them saying, “You’re too young son.”

    • MartyBellerMask

      The newsboy cap is probably to ward off the noogies.

  • Colleen

    I’m laughing so hard I’m crying!

  • LibKat

    The Expendables movies just make me sad (my 80’s heyday calling.) So thanks for making me laugh about them.
    Am I wrong for thinking that with a white shirt, better tailoring and less mugging that the first plaid jacket on Stallone could have looked good?

  • ShaoLinKitten

    This should have been the tagline for last night’s Project Runway episode: Twenty years ago, Antonio Banderas was El Mariachi in Desperado. SO MUCH CAN CHANGE IN TWENTY YEARS.

    • GillianHolroyd


      *weeping in despair*

    • MilaXX

      Rent Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown. You’ll really see a difference.

      • conlakappa

        Yeah, I was going to say he was sex on a stick in his Almodovar films. Hollywood changed him.

      • ShaoLinKitten

        I saw it many years ago. He had weird mushroom hair back then! I liked him in Desperado because he had that long haired outlaw gunslinger thing going on. Good lord was he hot.

  • deathandthestrawberry

    I’m finding Statham really hot in these pics. I’m not sure I like what that says about me.

    Also, I’m going to continue to think of Banderas fondly while ignore the reality that he he has aged to be a handsy drunk.

  • SistaT

    Kellan looks hella uncomfortable in each picture. I am howling. He looks actively afraid of all of them. Which is probably smart.

  • prisma

    This is EXACTLY what I needed this morning. Thank you!

  • DeniseSchipani

    I’m going to have to look at this again later when I need to laugh.

  • GillianHolroyd

    oh you nailed this, fellas.

  • fursa_saida

    I’ve been having a lot of conversations lately revolving around the fact that actors, generally speaking, are CRAZY PEOPLE, and this set of photos is really just reinforcing it all.

  • Adelaidey

    Oof, Kellan Lutz’s undereye brightener goes down so low he looks like Homer Simpson with his 5-o-clock shadow.

  • Tigger

    I have never commented on any posts here. I have to say, like a lot of people have mentioned already, that this was a very funny commentary. Also, believe me, it takes a lot to make me laugh. I also have chronic bitch-face.

  • Denise Alden

    Holy crap! I mean, you two are funny. Really funny. Two of the funniest people I read. But honestly, this is like the World Series of Funny. This demands a nomination. This demands a prize. I will re-read this for all eternity!

  • stubbornthoughts

    100% fact.

    Also, are Banderas and Snipes wearing the same jacket in the last pics? DOUBLE EMBARRASSMENT.

    • Mrs. C

      You’re right! Good eye.

    • MilaXX

      Maybe the store was having a BOGO?

  • onefifteen

    I love these movies. All the action stars that I grew up with back together and having some fun. Except for Kellan, they all look like different versions of my dad, in a cute way.

  • GeoDiva

    Bravo, TLo, Bravo!

  • GemFemme

    Aww, I love you guys! Hilarious post!

    I can’t get over the mom jeans on Banderas and Snipes. It makes me slightly ill.
    You can almost see the delusional mantra running through Lutz’s brain, “Must be muscled, macho man at all times!…..must be muscled macho man at all times!…”.

  • Sunshine16

    Thanks boys – I needed that laugh to get me to quittin time!

  • jbontrager78

    Who the hell is dressing Antonio Banderas?!

  • @Biting Panda


  • MilaXX

    Does Statham go to the tailors once a year and buy the same suit in every color?

    • Wink

      Probably. His suits tend to be a bit shiny, but in these pics he’s the only one who looks good consistently. The rest of these guys look terrible… with the exception of Kellan in the navy shirt and thigh-hugging gray slacks. Mercy.

      • demidaemon

        Thighs will always save the day.

  • trisker

    I gotta say: this post made me laugh almost as hard as the Miss Universe posts! Thanks for making my day!!

  • KT

    I am laughing so hard at this. Hahahhahahahaha spot on

  • Wink

    Wesley doesn’t care what he’s wearing. He’s just happy to be out of the big house.

  • Kate4queen


  • sleepycat

    you fucking nailed it.

  • snarkykitten

    What the hell is everyone doing in that last photo? Is someone squirting water in Antonio Benderas’ mouth, like a boxer?? Statham looks like he has the world’s worst wedgie & is trying to surreptitiously pick it out, while Stalone put the make-up gun to whore (what is with them cheeks, seriously). Snipes…idek. He looks like he smells like a cab. Lutz [dude, pick a better name] looks like he does NOT want to be there.

    • Melanie

      LOL @ smells like a cab. so true!

  • AnnaleighBelle

    So, when did Antonio start drinking?

  • smayper

    Commentary made me laugh until tears were running down my face. Oh TLo, how you improve my life!!

  • prettybigkitty

    Love you guys.

  • VioletFem

    Lutz looks so out of place in all of these shots.

  • e jerry powell

    You’d expect that more Dolce&Gabbana would be involved somehow…

  • GemFemme

    Stallone seems to be morphing into late era Ronald Reagan. Same impossibly lush head of dark hair oiled to within an inch of it’s life and same shiny red apple cheeked glow.

  • cocohall

    What some fellas have to do to pay the bills. Although, I must say that Stallone looks positively INVIGORATED by the pole dance. There is no spotlight too small for our Sly. Bless his heart.

  • Beto

    What’s with Kellan Lutz and Sly Stallone? They look VERY orange-y in the first pic

  • Dollhead

    TLo’s comments on this will keep me laughing through the weekend and into Monday at least. It’s so funny… and so true.

  • Sofia

    I’ve never seen so much cheese on one platter.

  • granite5

    “Guy who just got out of jail” rings like a black male stereotype to me. Yes the clothes are awful, but… I have a feeling that a middle-aged white man wearing the same would get a very different description.

    • snarkykitten

      dude, he just got out of jail. I think that was the joke…

  • Clash D

    Four movie stars – and their bodyguard.

  • Dewoy

    Does anyone know the brand of there letherjackets ? it hasa british flag in it and a golder M with wings on the side