Oh look, everyone. It’s the new Baby Hooker line from Forever 21, modeled by pop sensation Ariana Grande!
Look, there is nothing at all wrong with this look. As we’ve been saying all day, it’s the VMAs, and all good boys and girls are invited to slut it the hell up for attention on the red carpet. No, really. We’re not applying rules of taste or propriety here. We’d sound like idiots if we tried. It’s a big, dumb, sometimes sexy, sometimes fabulous Mardi Gras parade of mostly marginally talented attention whores sold as products to teenagers. “Hooker wear for everyone!” we say.
But when you finish off a look like this with child pageant hair, posing, and makeup, IT. IS. CREEPY. A high, tight braid like a whip would’ve been our choice. Or a dominatrix’s top knot. Or hell, just blow that shit out. Crimp it, for all we care. Just do not wear a dress like this and then show up in middle school dance party hair. It’s frikkin weird. We could live with the current makeup situation, but we’d shove a pair of gold doorknocker earrings at her and maybe a pair of mirrored cat-eye shades, just to give the look the attitude that she herself lacks.
One final, totally nonsensical thought: every time we write about her, we have to resist the urge to make the joke that popped into our heads the very first time we heard about her. “Pop star Ariana Grande, whose name means ‘large spider’ in Spanish…”
Her name of course does NOT mean “large spider” in Spanish and the joke is that for a second, it almost sounds like it could, but this being the internet, we know it would fall pretty flat because too many people would respond with “Guys, that’s not how you say ‘large spider’ in Spanish,” and then we would have to explain and then nobody’s laughing. But we’ve always wanted to use it in a post because her name has become synonymous with “large spider” in our heads and we just want to plant that as a meme in yours until no one can resist thinking of Ariana Grande as a big spider. So there you go. You can’t escape it now.
[Photo Credit: David Gabber/PRPhotos.com, Moschino]