Diane Kruger in Valentino Couture at the Vanity Fair Oscar Party

Posted on March 04, 2014

Die, black lace trend.

And despite the subject matter, that is not German for “The black lace trend.”


Diane-Kruger-Valentino-Couture-Oscars-2014-Vanity-Fair-Party-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (1)Diane Kruger attends the 2014 Vanity Fair Oscar Party held at Sunset Plaza in West Hollywood, California in Valentino couture.

Diane-Kruger-Valentino-Couture-Oscars-2014-Vanity-Fair-Party-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (2)

Diane-Kruger-Valentino-Couture-Oscars-2014-Vanity-Fair-Party-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (3)Valentino Spring 2014 Couture Collection

Diane-Kruger-Valentino-Couture-Oscars-2014-Vanity-Fair-Party-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (4)

Diane-Kruger-Valentino-Couture-Oscars-2014-Vanity-Fair-Party-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (5)

Diane-Kruger-Valentino-Couture-Oscars-2014-Vanity-Fair-Party-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (6)

Diane-Kruger-Valentino-Couture-Oscars-2014-Vanity-Fair-Party-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (7)

We admit, there have been times in the past when she bragged about not using a stylist and we begrudgingly thought “Well, who can argue with the results? Fraulein knows what she’s doing.” But then there are the other times, the times like these, when we smirk like little bitches and say “See? Should’ve hired someone.”

Every once in a while, some lady comes along in a black lace ensemble so fabulous that it has us reconsidering our boredom with black lace. This is not one of those times. Die, black lace trend. Die.

Diane, hire a bitchy queen who knows how to arch an eyebrow and say “No,” with some force behind it. It’s amazing what those types can do for your style.



[Photo Credit: Juan Rico/FAMEFLYNET PICTURES, Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images, IMAXtree]

And if you’re loving our Oscars red carpet bitchery, you might consider checking out our new book, darling! “A hilarious critique of celebrity culture,” they called it! We’re proud. And shameless. 


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  • Glam Dixie

    That is truly hideous, she’s a slutty widow.

    • MilaXX

      This is queen who can’t sew on RuPaul’s drag race levels wrong.

    • judybrowni

      In a dress spun by a slutty Black Widow Spider.

  • smh4748

    Woah. Ouch. Misguided Halloween getup.

  • PastryGoddess

    How is she fully naked AND fully dressed at the same time. That’s not a talent I want to have

  • Anna

    Widow’s weeds lingerie.

    • gabbilevy

      It’s like she wore six different slips and forgot the dress.

      • 3boysful

        Black bra? Check. Black tap shorts? Check. Grandma’s old mantilla? Check. Let’s party.

      • Anna

        Perhaps she was thinking that putting on the 6 different slips would make a dress.

  • marlie

    The HELL??

    I think there might be some navy lace in there too. It should all be set on fire. Also, I can’t stand her. And I hate the Heidi (of the Alps, not Klum) hair.

    • marlie

      OMG, and there’s underboob, too. I just can’t…

      • Jessica Freeman

        Just stop looking. It’s so bad for your mental health.

      • Ginger

        Thanks for that little gem. I’ll be carrying that mental imagine into my yearly eval here in a few minutes.

      • SugarSnap108

        I’m impressed by the number of hideous features in this look: Underboob, black widow lace, granny underwear, center-part Heidi hair, and decorative holes in her earlobes in lieu of earrings.

    • Sarah

      The more I look at it, the more I HATE IT. It is one frightful frock. Ghastly. And that hair reminds me of someone who is going to give you an unpleasant sponge bath. UGH.

  • ConnieBV

    I like her eyebrows but no to that dress.

  • ChelseaNH

    It’s not a scroll-down fug because it started out badly, but it definitely got fugger as I went.

    • leahpapa

      “Fugger.” You get all the wins.

    • Glam Dixie

      Perhaps instead of scroll-down fug it could be just Standing Fug.

  • leahpapa

    Honey, get a bitchy to spare you the itchy.

  • Alyssa

    Maybe she wore this to dispel the pregnancy rumors? Even still, no excuse. This is not good.

  • nannypoo

    The outfit leaves me speechless. And that hair! I always hate Heidi hair, but here we see how much worse it can be when Heidi and her girlfriends have a slumber party and give each other makeovers.

  • LeelaST

    Hands down the worst look I’ve seen so far from the Oscar events. Heidi hair and no earrings too.

  • Latin Buddy

    I’m THAT bitchy queen to many of my friend.

    “Sweetie, that sweater makes you look pregnant…”

    “Wow, you should burn that.”

    • Jessica Freeman

      My bitchy queen moved across the United States and I still send him my photos. Texts include “you are not a ho” and “take all that shit off and start over”.

    • Ginger

      Will you be my bitchy queen, too? I need help!

  • MilaXX

    You know there is a middle ground between wearing everything the stylist says and voicing your own opinion. She definitely needed someone to say “Gurl NO!” to this mess.

  • MW

    This has been sown together from the scraps of Julia Roberts’ dress.

  • Sarah

    It’s like someone took a nude Kruger paper doll and rubbed a piece of charcoal sideways across it. So, yeah – not pretty. Not in the slightest. NAY.

  • Jessica Freeman

    It looks flammable.

    • myandyleigh

      Well, that should make it easier to do the right thing should someone else attempt to flounce around in this abomination going forward.

      • demidaemon

        I think one could probably light this on fire as is without causing any physical damage. The only problem would be the public nudity, which, quite frankly, is only about half a yard of fabric away as is.

  • Ginger

    I never have understood the love of her fashion sense. I rarely, if ever, think she looks stylish/fierce/awesome/whatever.

  • shirab

    Silly Putty nails.

  • Sobaika

    I love black lace but HOLY HELL she’s looking pretty stupid.

  • Laura Renee

    And why beige paste-on nails…

  • And while we’re killing off trends, can we throw in random braids in hair? Diane does this WAY too often and it never looks good.

    If you’ve got holes in your ears you are OBLIGATED to fill them. Doesn’t have to be anything fancy if that’s not called for, but naked ear piercing holes are verboten.

  • MoHub

    Formal beach coverup.

  • KinoEye

    This black doily/tablecloth was just sitting on Diane’s table. She didn’t have a thing to wear to the VF after party, and decided to improvise based on a gown she’d seen on Pintrest earlier. That’s also where she got the idea for the hair.

  • Evan

    Wtf? Even worse than Julia’s.

  • Betsy

    This is awful! The black lace, the short layers, the Heidi braids. Downright gross.

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      Pornstar Heidi, perhaps?

  • decormaven

    Of all the couture available, she chose this. If I never see a black lace dress again, it will be too soon.

  • Introspective

    too much cash and too many designers throwing looks at you to be settled on this bullshit here.

    girl bye.

  • DominoEstella

    but Free People makes black lace look so good

  • JauntyJohn

    Dismiss of the Spider Woman.

  • judybrowni

    Since when are tarantula spider webs a dress?

    Save it for Halloween, honey.

  • SewingSiren

    I only like the hair.

  • jw_ny

    I’ll bet there was a lot of catty whispering going on behind her back at that party. XD

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      Yes, the very appropo German concept of Schadenfreude (shame-joy) must have been in full flower at that party.

  • ShaoLinKitten

    Um, speaking of Diane Kruger, does anyone know when Fug Madness starts this year?

  • Trickytrisha

    If she wanted to set herself apart from the glitzy Hollywood types, she sure accomplished that goal. This is more like a slightly demented elderly fraulein in Berlin wearing granny panties and playing dress up with the table doilies.

  • webslice33

    great accessories, horrible outfit!

  • SayWhaaatNow

    What is this fuggery? Lmao.

  • DTLAFamilies

    I’m scratching myself just looking at that thing.

  • Alfred Cox

    Worst dressed of the year, thus far. The fuck was she thinking?

    • Blair Sylvester

      that this dress would get her plenty of attention and because half the establishment is so enthralled with her they would fall over themselves praising it as edgy or directional or only she can pull it off. I dont think this is a lapse in judgement so much as a supremely ugly dress.

      • demidaemon

        To be fair, she still chose to wear it.

  • unbornfawn

    That is one ugly dress.

  • Blair Sylvester

    I think her batting average is better than that of most stylists. I feel like a lot of girls with stylists end up in the out column here relatively frequently

  • Liz

    This is probably the worst she’s ever looked. I saw this and gasped, and not in a good way.

  • AnguaVonUberwald

    Ok, she looks bad, but has anybody seen that gorgeous portrait of her and her better half from the Vanity Fair party? A photographer took instagram portraits of a bunch of stars, and many of them are drop dead gorgeous.

  • Ann VerWiebe

    This is just ugly. First year design student ugly.

  • Pennymac

    Sterben, schwarz Spitze trend!

    Yes, trend is trend. : )

    • NDC_IPCentral

      Vielhen danke, Milwaukee frau!

      • Pennymac

        Ich bein ein Tennessee frauline, bitte!

        • NDC_IPCentral

          Entschuldigungen! Wo in TN (state of my law school, so, sooooo long ago – 40th reunion this coming fall……)

          • Pennymac

            Johnson City! Come over for coffee!

          • NDC_IPCentral

            Alas, kinda a long haul. The October festival of gray hair, no hair, wrinkles, face-lifts and lies is in Music City. Hoping to persuade my classmate who’s in the nascent stages of remission from ovarian cancer to attend so that she and I can be roomies and spend time together while we dish ‘n’ diss about our classmates. Ours was one verysmall cohort of females way back in 1971, and at least one of those gals (we were less than two-figures’ worth) has died, so I wonder whether any of the other survivors (in more ways than one for my friend and me) will attend.

          • Pennymac

            Oh, man that’s bitter sweet. Enjoy “Nash-vegas”, and enjoy your friend.

  • Imasewsure

    Well at least we now know how bad that trend can get…

  • crash1212

    Not one thing I like about this…well, maybe the clutch.

  • DagnyReardon

    She is Grace Kelly gorgeous. However, as she is approaching 40 she needs to ditch the pretzel hair.

  • Carla_Charlton

    Die, press on nail trend.

  • Gatto Nero

    Those sheer panels are the first three circles of hell.

  • cocohall

    Say what you will, that is some supreme self confidence to stand there in her unmentionables and give off that “Fuck mit mir und Sie sind Mort!” look. Well done, Frau Kruger.

    • demidaemon

      I can’t disagree with you, even though I still hate the dress.

      • cocohall

        To continue with my bad high school German: Du hast rechts! Which means, bingo, you are right! The dress is dreadful. I am just impressed by Diane doing her Heidi Goes Goth routine here with zero trace of worry that she looks horribly out of place. In fact, she seems proud of this mess.

        • demidaemon

          It is quite amazing. Although I prefer this attitude to someone who puts on something questionable (*coughOliviaMunncough*) and then acts uncertain about it. You have to sell it, even when you know it’s bad!

  • alyce1213

    What is wrong with these people? I mean, who actually thinks they can wear this?
    (Answer contained in “Everyone Wants to Be Me Or Do Me”).

  • mickiemonkey

    The ferns add a funeral parlor feel to it.

    • Pennymac

      Except funeral directors have better taste than this.

  • Kate4queen

    That’s just horrible…

  • Layered H&M lace negligees.

  • kategs

    She looks so wan here.

  • bertkeeter

    A tad SPOOKY!

  • Columbinia

    At best, this looks like a black lace peignoir from a 1930s movie. It should not be out and about.

    Diane also needs to know that most times when braids are used this way, they’re hair pieces. Almost nobody has enough hair to form several plaits thick enough and long enough to look good circling the head and forming loops.

  • bitchybitchybitchy

    Oh, sweet Jesus, this really, really hurts my eyes. That is hideous-black widow’s weeds AND sheer. Is this aimed at the widow who wants to advertise at the funeral that she’s moving on?

    I will modestly propose that we can use Diane’s look here as an example of “NO ONE wants to be me or do me”

    • sagecreek

      I agree…and let’s face it, for La Krueger, that’s quite a feat.

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        Sadly, it is-I would not have thought it possible. Usually Kruger does so, so much better.

  • CPK1

    Yikes! This is nasty (and not in a good way)

  • JaymeKay

    Artfully wrapped and draped chapel veils from the church recycle bin. No, wait. Just chapel veils.

  • sagecreek

    OMG, there is literally nothing good about this look.

  • d4divine

    Yoodle lay he hoo!!

    • MannahattaMamma

      that should be “yoodle lay he HO,” ackchilly…

  • mrspotts66

    “where did you get that dress? and that hair? and those SHOES?”
    /johnny from “airplane”

  • demidaemon

    I like her hair. Thus ends anything nonjudgmental I have to say about this.

  • Ros

    Yes, but where’s Pacey?

  • Between the black lace and the Heidi hair, all I can think is that she’s dressed as the widow of the lonely goatherd for Halloween.

  • Jen

    I honestly don’t know what this woman does anymore… apparently she used to be an actress?

  • B_C_J

    I don’t care who designed this costume. It’s ghastly. She looks like a fashion victim.

  • Sarah

    Sorry peeps, I think this is gorgeous. It’s unique, sexy, and chic. And her face is perfection. I’ll go hide in my corner now.

  • ThaliaMenninger

    Mrs. Danvers for the 21st century

  • Pepper Collins

    Ummm…her make up looks nice?

  • Big Bear

    This is the kind of dress that gets you thrown off Project Runway. In week one.

  • YousmelllikeAnnaWintour

    I like her bracelet. There, I said something nice.

  • Kent Roby

    Considering that she looks like she’s standing outside the Celebrity Rehab House, perhaps she’s been brought there for a fashion intervention.

  • carnush

    I love it.

  • peachy

    i’m a little over the capelet trend as well as the black lace. i feel like she should be wearing a lampshade on her head to complete the look. it’s very very livingroomish.