Amber Heard and Johnny Depp at the Texas Film Awards

Posted on March 10, 2014

We’re about to be swept out to sea on a massive wave of affectation. Someone grab hold of us.

 

 

 

Amber-Heard-Johnny-Depp-Texas-Film-Awards-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (1)Amber Heard and Johnny Depp attend The Texas Film Hall Of Fame Awards in Austin, Texas. Amber Heard is wearing a Ulyana Sergeenko dress accessorized with Stephen Webster earrings.

Amber-Heard-Johnny-Depp-Texas-Film-Awards-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (2)

Amber-Heard-Johnny-Depp-Texas-Film-Awards-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (3)

Amber-Heard-Johnny-Depp-Texas-Film-Awards-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (4)

Amber-Heard-Johnny-Depp-Texas-Film-Awards-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (5)

She is wearing a storefront fortune teller’s tablecloth as a dress and he paid someone to apply mud to his boots. We can’t. While we’re happy to see him walk slowly away from his “elderly gay windchime” costume of the last decade, we just can’t say we’re happy to see him turn toward “Newsboy Truman Capote” as an alternative.

Nice coat, though.

 

 

[Photo Credit: John Leach/FAMEFLYNET PICTURES]

    • RussellH88

      She looks like she’s wearing a tassel throw that my mother will buy that will eventually be stolen and used as a bed for our two fat min pins sisters.

      At least he no longer looks like he’s trying to be the Male Stevie Nicks.

      • tereliz

        But did he have to give Amber Stevie’s old shawl to wrap around her bum?

    • Adrianna Grężak

      “he paid someone to apply mud to his boots” LMAO

      I kind of like the idea of the dress, but nobody needs that kind of puckering on their bum

      • http://urban-gypsy.com/ Tess Danesi

        If a dress can make Amber Heard’s ass look droopy, it needs to be burned.

      • kimmeister

        The way it drapes is also making her look knock-kneed.

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        I’m loving the concept of a stylist frantically applying genuine Austin mud to Depp’s boots.

    • decormaven

      Newsboy Truman Capote! BWAH! And the gypsies are looking for their table cloth.

      • Trent

        ** going off to burn my own newsboy cap in deep shame ** Damn you, Johnny!

    • Janet B

      She: sultry summer night.
      He: tired of the cold weather.

      • ConnieBV

        Leave the Sherlock drag to Ben.

    • jw_ny

      Johnny…if it’s that cold out that you need a coat, take it off and give it to the lady! You’ve got 3 other layers on to keep you warm, and besides, it may be an improvement to her look. ;)

    • FrigidDiva

      They just look so odd together to me. I thought that style wise him and Vanessa seemed to mesh better. It feels like he’s trying this new style to try and suit her, but it really doesn’t and it certainly doesn’t work well on him either.

      • Anna

        He looked good with all of this exes. I guess the WTF that’s going on with his wardrobe goes with, “Why Amber Heard??”

      • vesperholly

        Agreed. Maybe it’s the newsboy cap, but he looks so … old next to her.

        • 3boysful

          He looks like the cabbie who dropped her off, posing with his latest movie star customer.

        • Beardslee

          Yeah, I wish he were man enough to be with a woman his own age.

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            Reminds me of one of the reasons I so liked Paul Newman-he and Joanne Woodward went the distance together.

        • CupcakeTrudy

          He really does look much older next to her. And the thick layer of makeup he’s wearing isn’t helping at all.
          He’s got the look of the much older man trying desperately (and failing) to look hip beside his much younger girlfriend.
          The fact that she looks like a teenager trying desperately to look super cool and grownup only adds to the age disparity.

    • Sarah

      Whatever’s going on on her back view is so VERY unflattering.

    • empath

      are tablecloth dresses a thing? there seems to be a lot of them around lately…

    • Fordzo a.k.a. Fancy Mukluks

      What about the layer of mud pancake on his face?

      • Laura Renee

        “Did he arrive in a funnel cloud” help I’m huffing with silent laughter at my desk

        • bitchybitchybitchy

          The house began to twitch, his pants began to hitch!

      • Paige

        I’m home with two sick kids while listing pros and cons of my various meds prior to an appt with my doctor, and I needed that funnel cloud laugh like you don’t know. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    • ModernDowager

      I actually love her dress, except for the business in the back. He sure likes his fine-boned blondes of a certain age, doesn’t he?

    • Kathy

      Oh Johhny, when did you become THAT guy?

      • lunchcoma

        About 5 seconds after he broke up with Vanessa Paradis. I’m now convinced she was the only one keeping him tolerable all these years.

        • Kathy

          It’s giving me a sad. I never thought he’d be so disappointingly predictable.

          • Anna

            Indeed. ’90s Johnny Depp would be absolutely horrified at this declining Johnny Depp.

    • Kitten Mittons

      Very odd. His coat is nice, the rest is neutral enough. I think I miss his facial hair.

      She is one of those stars who I never remember. Beautiful, but she looks like an amalgamation of Scarlett Johansson, Megan Fox, and [insert name here]. Can’t name a thing she’s done. The outfit isn’t helping on that front.

      • KinoEye

        The Rum Diary, a passable film based on one of Hunter S. Thompson’s first novels, starring the Newsboy/Windchime and his mid-life crisis. That’s where they met. She looked gorgeous. That’s about all she did.

        • Kitten Mittons

          We keep saying we’re going to watch that one, but every time we think about it, we just end up watching Fear and Loathing instead.
          Whenever I’m drunk, I want to ask random people, “Let’s get down to brass tacks: how much for the ape?”

          • KinoEye

            I’d rather watch F&L 5 times in a loop than sit through that blasted Diary again. Not that it was terrible, just lackluster. And “lackluster” is the very last thing that should come to mind when one thinks about Hunter S. Thompson.

            I like shouting at my dog in the HST voice when drunk. “PLEASE, tell me you got… the f**king golf shoes!”

            • Kitten Mittons

              I promise you I will try that tonight (the dog-yelling bit).
              Something tells me that Benicio del Toro > Amber Heard……

      • Betsy

        Agree. She’s throwing down some Keira Knightly lower jaw too.

        • Kitten Mittons

          Mhmm. A stunning lady, to be sure. Unfortunately, I probably still won’t remember her next time she’s feature here.

          Which means I’ll probably replicate this rant in its entirety next time, too. I don’t remember much….

          • formerlyAnon

            If originality and previously unexpressed thoughts were a requirement here, I’d be banned.

    • Glam Dixie

      He used to be so hot, and the dress that his mid-life crisis is wearing is just awful. I just can’t with this, it makes me sad.

      • Carleenml

        I just realized…if I found myself waking up next to Johnny Depp in bed…I would get out of bed and leave. I never thought I would think that in my lifetime.

        • Glam Dixie

          I guess that’s better than shrieking in horror and running from the room in tears? But yes, I agree, I would be seriously skeeved out and sneak out as quietly as possible.

        • jw_ny

          so that means there is still the possibility you’d wind up in bed with him though…so that says something. ;)

          • CupcakeTrudy

            There is only one type of woman who will ever wake up in a bed beside Depp and that is only the most delicate, waif with a baby-face and a closet full of expensive, boho style clothes. Which I’d say counts most of us out. The guy has a type, to be sure!

            • Chantal

              But this makes me shake my head because Amber Heard is no waif! She is no china doll like Winona, Kate and Vanessa. Those three were tiny, delicate, and had doll like features, truly delicate and sweet women. This amazon Amber bimbo is a bizarre left turn. She is tall, big boned and that square, man jaw… She is NOT the prototype. BUT… she is desperately trying lately to mold herself into johnny’s type. She dyed that platinum blond hair a mousy brown,she has lost about 30 pounds and is desperately trying to dress boho, and failing I might add.Yes that skirt-shawl-dress is hideous. So, i will admit i can not stand this girl, and I so loved Johnny’s previous girlfriends. So I am disappointed and very confused in his choice. Did I forget to add gold digging, home wrecker to her resume.. o.k. just so we are clear.LOL.!

    • Evan

      I don’t think he’s looking too good these days.

      • Fordzo a.k.a. Fancy Mukluks

        It’s hard trying to keep up with a toddler.

        • Farthingale

          Shaaade.

      • Gatto Nero

        He looks a little sad and rueful all the time. Or maybe I’m just reading into things.

        • Isabel

          No, you’re right.

        • Farthingale

          Yes—he seems displeased. I think even he knows her dress is godawful.

      • Imasewsure

        Many many many cigarettes…does not make for a terrific middle age…

    • Fordzo a.k.a. Fancy Mukluks

      I just realized that their couple name could be Derp. Derp! I’m wetting myself.

      • kimmeister

        Herp is pretty unfortunate as well . . .

        • Fordzo a.k.a. Fancy Mukluks

          Can we make it official? Amber Heard and Johnny Depp shall henceforth be known by their nom de deux “Herp Derp”.

          Hands up who likes it.

          • Kitten Mittons

            I’m in. When they break up, so many headline possibilities:

            DEPP SAYS DERP DONE: SENDS HEARD TO HEAP

            HERP DUMPS DERP OVER FOUL BURPS

            or possibly:

            HERP de DERP DERPITY DERP DERP.

            • Fordzo a.k.a. Fancy Mukluks

              Un-Herp the Derp! We want our Windchiming Johnny back!

            • Kitten Mittons

              Nahh…I’ve changed my mind. I hope they make it all the way.

              Really, it would be a beautiful wedding. The Swedish Chef muppet could perform the ceremony. I’m a little choked up already.
              And all she’d need is a new tablecloth in white.

            • Fordzo a.k.a. Fancy Mukluks

              Derrly Berlervered. Wer err gertherred her terder to jern ders mern ernd ders wermern in herly mertrermerny. Der yer Herp? Der yer Derp? Ir ner prernernce yer Herp ernd Derp. Yer mer kerss yer werf.

            • Kitten Mittons

              Ermahgerd.
              Jern mer in mertrermerny.

            • Fordzo a.k.a. Fancy Mukluks

              Erm pertern ern mer terblclerth ner.

            • Kitten Mittons

              I just fell out. At my desk. Perfection.
              If you haven’t already, google image Johnny Derpp. Full circle.

            • marlie

              I’m laughing so hard that I’m actually crying. Thanks, guys.

            • Fordzo a.k.a. Fancy Mukluks

              Ir thernk Ir sperk fer Kerterns Merterns whern Ir ser, “Ur Plerszher.”

            • Kitten Mittons

              You can speak for me anytime, dear. As long as you use that voice.

            • Glam Dixie

              This was so funny, a total day maker.

            • formerlyAnon

              Dear god. You cannot know how much I laughed.

            • bitchybitchybitchy

              They could also be “J’Amber. I rather like the apostrophe for the affectation.

    • Gatto Nero

      Depp looks relatively toned down here. Given the tasteful coat and minimal gee-gaws, I will gladly give him his unpolished boots.
      Heard, however, with the sheer and the bustle and the fringe and mullet hem, etc., is just awful. What is she trying to project here? It’s a mystery to me.

    • KT

      “Elderly gay windchime” continues to be my favorite celebrity nickname. I laugh every time I see it. Hahaha.

    • sundaynightaddict

      Man, she’s gorgeous, though.

    • seelebrennt

      before i had scrolled down enough, i thought to myself, “she’s wearing an ugly gypsy shawl as a dress and i just can’t.”

    • JauntyJohn

      I’ve learned.
      Finally, I’ve learned.
      Do NOT take a sip of coffee before reading through any TLo commentary with Mr. Johnny Depp as the subject under discussion.

      ‘Newsboy Truman Capote.” L O effing L.

      • Anathema_Device

        I know, right? Their short-but-sweet posts are their bests.This one slayed me.

    • Anathema_Device

      Now I can’t stop thinking what a Truman Capote version of “Newsies” would have been like.

    • Danielle

      She’s taking on his gay windchime persona. Bless.

    • peachy

      gypsies, tramps and thieves….

      • icm

        lol so true and now Cher is singing in my head and will be for the rest of the day.

        • peachy

          mine too….. we’ll live in our Cher world-y heads this afternoon!

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            We know, too, that Cher would have found some crazy way to make the fortune teller tablecloth actually work-as a shawl or skirt over a transparent catsuit, or some other insane, Cher-only fashion.

    • KarenFK

      I misread that as a “wave of affection” and was truly puzzled. I like the idea of being swept away by a wave of affection, but not for this!

      • Fordzo a.k.a. Fancy Mukluks

        I read the same thing and thought it was sarcasm aimed at the obvious passion that Amber and Johnny Derp are displaying.

      • Alyssa

        I read it that way too, and thought that we BKs might disagree and overwhelm them by our affection! I was still puzzled til I saw your post, then scrolled back up and reread it!

      • stubbornthoughts

        I read it the same way, and was then perplexed during my scroll down.

        Depp is certainly looking better, at least. I simply cannot help swooning over him, not matter how deplorable his wardrobe.

    • mmebam

      Like, real talk, no shade… Should I be offended? Is this some kind of Roma/gypsy misappropriation shit?

    • Qitkat

      I’m starting to think that Austin must be quite the place to visit since it inspires such tomfoolery as this and such tweetness as in Matt Bomer, all for the same event. I can’t wait to see who shows up next!

    • MilaXX

      Posers. He reeks of midlife crisis & she reeks of try hard. Two sides of the same coin in a way I guess. As a gal who thinks most gals look better with a little junk in the trunk I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt this outfit is doing really bad things to her booty.

      • Qitkat

        It totally is, and yet, I can’t help but think there is something clever about her dress. It’s positively a PR challenge in the making. Everyone is issued a banquet sized tablecloth, with fringe of course. Make it work!

        • Liz

          I swear there was a similar challenge in one of those shows, maybe “The Fashion Show” (with Iman and Isaac Mizrahi)? Where they were given a length of fabric and were supposed to drape it on a model to make an outfit. I think they could use pins, but no sewing and they had, like, 15 minutes.

    • SewingSiren

      When I saw the thumbnail, I thought it was Yoko Ono. For reals.

      • snarkykitten

        that is hilarious. I am d-y-i-n-g.

    • Betsy

      Johnny, oh hot, cool, brooding, sexy Johnny of my youth. Where are you? Please come back. Please tell me you have not turned into everything I never thought possible of you. Not you. Not you too. Sigh.

    • marlie

      And he’s wearing a coat on top of a suit, while she’s wearing nothing but a tablecloth. One of them must be really uncomfortable.

    • Loramir

      WHY, Johnny? *wanders sadly off to watch What’s Eating Gilbert Grape*

      • Betsy

        Right?! Really ANYTHING before Pirates 2. Crybaby, Chocolat, Donnie Brasco. God, I’m sad.

    • Imasewsure

      “Newsboy Truman Capote”… a new era begins… :)

    • Betsy

      This was a guy who was hot in white make-up, scabs on his face and scissors for hands. And now, he is totally unsexy just because he seems totally inauthentic and cliche. Two adjectives I never thought I’d use to describe Johnny Depp.

      • Loramir

        He’s just become a total caricature of himself.
        I’ve just gone and looked at his IMDb. Alice in Wonderland 2 and ANOTHER Pirates movie? Dressing for his midlife crisis is bad enough, but to have totally sold out when he used to be a talented and unique actor is what’s really sad.

        • alyce1213

          I get that it’s hard to resist producers throwing obscene amounts of money at you to do commercial pap, maybe once and a sequel, to ensure lifelong financial security (and them some). But this guy has completely blown his credibility as an actor. He’s going to have to earn it back.

        • Fordzo a.k.a. Fancy Mukluks

          I blame Tim Burton.

      • Anna

        Gah, it hurts!!! I need to go home and watch Benny and Joon, followed by What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.

      • Pennymac

        You nailed it.

    • clatie

      God, he looks like an asshole.

    • snarkykitten

      you know how at the end of Secret Window, it’s revealed that he’s really a loser who can’t even get the cashier to give him the time of day? yeah, that’s the vibe he’s giving off now.

    • Kimberlini

      I’ve been feeling this way about JD for a long time now so I have mixed emotions. Glad I’m not alone but I wish he wasn’t a joke.

    • Judy_J

      They look exactly like everyone else who is in town for SXSW. I’ll cut Johnny some slack….we have had quite a bit of rain lately, and the streets are muddy from all the construction that is being done in the downtown area. Perhaps he just didn’t have an extra pair of boots with him.

    • KinoEye

      Newsboy Truman Capote, as side-splitting as it is, will never live up to the dignity and grace of the Elderly Gay Windchime. And why is she suddenly dressing as if she’s an older woman from a different decade? You’re the homewrecker who’s dating Johnny Depp, darling. Grab every bit of that infamy you can get and run with it, because you aren’t a very good actress and the whole bisexual thing seems to have run its course, given the Windchime/Newsboy.

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        You left out her intellectual gifts-she’s read “Atlas Shrugged” or “The Fountainhead”….as many did in their early 20′s.

        • KinoEye

          Oh god, has she? Ayn Rand is near the top of my rational hate list. I’ve always loved this quote: “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.” Paul Krugman, ladies and gents.

          Maybe they should peg her to star in the third, pointless installment of Atlas Shrugged. The first two were perhaps the most boring movies I’ve ever seen, and that is saying something for a film buff who never turns off or walks out of anything.

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            I remember that Paul Krugman quote-love it! I read Heard’s comment about the Rand novels in a mag recently. Atlas Shrugged as a musical-let’s all put our brains together and come up with catch song titles!

    • julnyes

      I never thought this would happen – but I am over him.

      I don’t actually know who she is.

    • LaSylphide

      WHAT is she wearing, for freaking sake? As for JD, I miss the EGW.

    • ralish

      Why would you wear something that makes you look like you have a saggy, wrinkled ass?

    • Lisa M. (ReVoir) Kramp

      From what I have seen of her (little), she is always ‘on, always posing for the camera. I think I’d like her better if she’d just breathe once in a while.

    • Judy_S

      I own that shawl! bought it at the Paris Flea Market in 1972 for $15. Gotta get it out again, I guess.

    • melanie0866

      On the bright side, he shaved!

    • PhillyDeb

      Her dress looks like the babushka I wore in high school when I played Golde in Fiddler….

      • Fordzo a.k.a. Fancy Mukluks

        Mama? Is that you? (I played Tzeitel in my school’s version.)

      • Kitten Mittons

        *gasp* I was villager #6!

        Then they made me stage manager the next year. I think that means I can’t sing.

    • giddypony

      Is it snowing in Austin? God, he must stink.

    • Darva Sutra

      WINDCHIME IT THE FUCK UP, JOHNNY!!

    • numenah

      Because everyone wants to look as though her ass ends at the back of her knees.

    • Lilithcat

      I liked the dress in the first photo. Then I scrolled down and realized she’d stolen one of the shawls some ancestor of mine brought over from the old country.

    • mickiemonkey

      The untied bolo tie with the tattered fingerless gloves. He and Madonna with the gloves.

    • Sophie

      Her dress seems more literal than anything I can remember on this site in terms of tablecloth. But I absolutely love his coat and would happily wear it myself if it didn’t cost at least five months’ wages. It’s beautiful. I want it.

    • http://victoriapavlova.com Victoria Pavlova

      Can’t believe I used to like him so much. He’s the anti-McConaughey. She’s… I don’t know what she is.

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        I still have a lingering affection for Mr. Depp. I simply wish that he would take the time to find a good screenplay with a substantive part.

        • http://victoriapavlova.com Victoria Pavlova

          Without the crazy makeup, preferrably.

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            That, too.

        • Badriya Al-Badi’a

          There’s still talk of him starring in a Whitey Bulger biopic, that could be very interesting. At this point he does need roles that will redeem his career.

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            I really liked Depp in “From Hell”, “Ed Wood”, and the first couple of Pirate movies, but he seems to be either bored or doing projects that are bringing in the $$$ right now, and that’s a bit sad.
            Depp as Whitey Bulger might be interesting.

    • lobsterlen

      Ok is it that cold in Austin right now?

      • Frank_821

        it was over the weekend and it was very rainy on Saturday. He may have seriously walked through mud before getting to the step and repeat. It got that bad

      • formerlyAnon

        It’s been fluctuating, here. I think this red carpet was last Thursday, and the evening temps got down to about 40 F.

    • Vicky

      She looks like one of those postcards with a flamenco dancer on it that has thread stitched through it to make the dancer’s dress look 3D. I think the back is kind of cute, the front… not so much. He looks so average I hardly even glanced at him.

    • formerlyAnon

      He doesn’t look bad for 50, though he’s lost that youthful glow (haven’t we all?) and as a smoker it might not just be poor makeup. Standing next to her 23-years-younger glory isn’t helping. I am quite sure, with that gap, he’s got the practiced actor’s charisma and life experience to charm her. If they do marry, I hope her lawyers are good.

    • Jacob Bowen

      Who thought a holey terry-cloth dress with fringe and a whole dress slit directly up the front of the dress was a good idea?

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      Newsboy Truman Capote, and a fortune-teller’s tableloth-bowing down to TLo.

    • Kitten Mittons

      Deleted

    • Contralto

      Yeesh. This makes me long for the days of the EGW.

    • OffToSeeHim

      Newsboy Truman Capote! Stop, I’m DYING!!!

    • flamingoNW

      She srsly bugs me

    • http://www.bertkeeter.com Bert Keeter

      Love the front of the dress…. The back, what a dress would look like if it could FART!

      • kerryev

        Church.

    • Corsetmaker

      I could forgive the affected (which is the perfect description) clothes and still like him. Ageing, well we all are and it works for Clooney, it’s even working in it’s own way for Pitt. But he’s lost something, he’s lost his twinkle and personality. There was life in those eyes before, there isn’t now. That’s sad and that’s why he’s losing his attractiveness.

    • http://sayanayogaslu.com Island_Mo

      Was the dress a product of a project runway challenge? Make a dress out of this table cloth in 5 minutes go.

    • ovarB

      Thank you for the word “affectation.” I always enjoy picking up a new word to banter about. Facebook is filled with much affectation. ;)

    • JynxTheCat

      H eis styled like a corpse! Listen if you’re going to have shadow – do not spackle foundation over it. If you DO spackle foundation over it then use a wet cloth and remove the makeup from the whiskers. How could she let him leave the coffin like that?

    • Lilyana_F

      Damn, Johnny, what happened…

    • Anplica Fiore

      She’s actually wearing part of his “elderly gay windchime”

      • formerlyAnon

        My god, I think you’ve explained the dress. Brilliant!