Revenge: Illusion

Posted on November 05, 2012

You shouldn’t count on us for a coherent review of an episode where all the women wore gorgeous dresses and all the men wore drool-worthy suits. We’re sorry, darlings. We were dazzled by the pretty and now we’re staring at our screen trying to come up with a recap and failing.

We’d love to talk about Conrad and his new deal with The Initiative but — Victoria’s Vera Wang gown, you guys.

We’d love to talk about Mason Treadwell and how he’s thisclose to figuring out Emily’s identity but — Nolan’s electric blue jacket, you guys.

We’d love to talk about Victoria’s growing reputation as the absolute worst hostess in the history of the Hamptons, but — Padma’s matching electric blue gown, you guys.

We’d love to talk about the look of momentary terror on Victoria’s face when she thought Kara was going to push her off the balcony, but — Ashley’s adorable boy-cut panties, you guys.

We’d love to talk about the unlikelihood that a coroner would somehow fail to notice that Gordon’s body had been frozen, but — Emily’s stunning red dress, you guys.

We’d love to talk about our fear that Padma is playing the shit out of Nolan but — Aidan in a tightly fitted tux, you guys.

We’d love to talk about Jack’s bar problems and his deal with the devil (with the tight little ass) but — actually, we don’t want to talk about that because it’s boring as hell.

We’re not the first people to draw a straight line from Dynasty to Revenge, but last night’s episode was so deliciously, brutally over the top, both in its storytelling and its depiction of rich people dripping with their wealth, that the line turned bright red and started flashing. This is good stuff. We tried to get into Nashville, but we’re old-school, darlings. We prefer our night time soaps to come with diamonds, pearl-handled guns, arched eyebrows,  flared nostrils, expensive clothing, and expansive rooms with amazing views. We want to be dazzled while we wait to see which bitch is gonna get slapped or who’s going to wind up at the bottom of the ocean by season’s end. We want unfrozen dead bodies, byzantine plots, and threats uttered through clenched teeth as fists are raised and promises for REVENGE are stated, over and over and over again. It’s Grand Guignol with Gowns, darlings – and this was probably our favorite episode yet for serving it all up on a silver platter.

Do we know what the hell’s going on? Not on your life. We’re still trying to parse out why Emily thinks she’s got Mason Treadwell under control and what the benefit was to have Conrad Grayson arrested, when she would have to know he’d be back out on the mean streets of the Hamptons within hours. She sure seemed pleased with herself by the end of it all, but it looked to us like Conrad’s become even more dangerous than he was before. Desperation is not a quality one wants to cultivate in one’s enemies, after all.

But you guys, Victoria looked STUNNING as she fondled her gun in her Vera Wang gown and smiled like the cat who just shot the canary in the face and got away with it. How could you not love that highly calculated “WHAT DID HE DO?!?!?!” shriek when the police arrested her husband? What more could you want from your night-time soap than that?

Tags: ,

  • http://www.what-the-frock.com Dana WhatTheFrock

    You guys should do separate Revenge Style posts, a la Mad Style. 

    • A. W.

      100% agree!

      • http://twitter.com/cornekopia Shawn EH

         D’accord!

  • llou56

    let’s talk about Nolan’s suit!  LOVED the collar!

    • editrixie

      And that high-chested vest!!! I was almost shrieking. Nolan is pretty much the only thing I’m watching for these days. He made it worth my while.

      • http://twitter.com/bstolemyremote bitchstolemyremote

        Yes, but it is just us or has he been acting especially homosexuel since getting a dapper new haircut and “dating” Padma this season? Did someone tell Gabriel Mann to JUMP from sizzle to flamer in S2?

  • peacockprincess

    Amily’s dress was stunning! Victoria is soo much fun and Kara was chewing up the scenery! Great episode.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lucía-Gavello/1253586868 Lucía Gavello

      JJL is increasingly disturbing as Psycho Mom isn’t she? Even Victoria thinks so.

      • adnama79

         Perfect. Casting.

  • Rachel Council

    Ugh, I don’t want to like Aidan! Those suits, though… the man is wearing me down.

    • http://twitter.com/bstolemyremote bitchstolemyremote

      He’s basically Hamptons James Bond. Just let him and those gorgeous slim fit suits in

  • Inspector_Gidget

    I really hope Aidan doesn’t get bumped off any time soon. It’s fun and refreshing to see Emily hook up with someone who’s actually on her level. It gets old watching her use up boys that are dumb as rocks.  Plus, forget the plane crash resurrection and the long lost mother – the most outlandish part of the show is that she keeps throwing Aidan out of her house.  Send him on over, Ems, I’ll put him up!  Woof!

    • nomoreprinces

       Aiden was just upgraded to series regular so he’s not going away anytime soon.

      • Inspector_Gidget

        Yay! He seems like he’s just asking for a trip to the bottom of the sea. He did, after all, kill Crazy Mama’s dear husband. How can that turn out well for anyone?

        • http://twitter.com/bstolemyremote bitchstolemyremote

          It’ll turn out well for everyone if Declan gets blamed :)

  • MissMariRose

    Was anyone else taken aback by the use of the Luther theme song at the end of this week’s Revenge episode? I kept thinking Alice Morgan was going to show up and start killing Hamptonites.

    • Whever

      That would make the show 10,000% better. Then again, Alice showing up and killing people would make ANY show 10,000% better. Alice just works that way.

    • Vanja

      Alice was sorely missed during season’s 2 ‘Luther’. *5 minutes in the first episode wasn’t enough*
      I’m keeping my fingers crossed for that Alice Morgan spin-off. @Whever:disqus @MissMariRose:disqus

    • annieanne

      Ooohhh…….Alice as the London Initiative agent. Perfect!!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5UQHEKG5EDX4T6NMARUC565TPQ Amy

    I’m just glad Emily’s mother didn’t show up at the wedding since Emily’s date was the “cop” that kept harassing her. The “cop” she tried to kill.

    All plot holes aside, it was a really fun episode and I will gladly take Emily’s dress with a side of Aidan. Yay for Revenge!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=755957928 Veronica Russek

      Ugh, I was deeply disturbed by her lips… Talk about bad cosmetic procedures! Yikes.

    • elirt

      I was wondering how the hell they would deal with that gaping hole! I guess avoidance for now!

    • Judy_S

       Oh, yikes, I forgot about Aiden & Kara. I wonder if the writers did too….

      • adnama79

        The one thing the writers seem to keep a firm grasp on is the social webs.  I’m sure they’ve got a plan for that.  I can’t wait to see it.  My money is on detente – she has secrets, Aidan has secrets, they both are out to get the Graysons. 

  • http://twitter.com/cornekopia Shawn EH

    Also Christa Allen in some super-cute frocks, and blowing off her parents sham wedding, and the look in Declan’s eyes when he realized she was there just to see him and for no other reason at all … loved that she willingly took all the pre-ceremony pampering her mother provided, knowing she intended to take all that pretty somewhere else to show it off!

  • Inspector_Gidget

    God, the “blue collar” stuff has gone from annoying to soooo boring!  This is a revenge fantasy!  Set in the Hamptons!  Who tunes in to watch someone fix water damage or agonize over what color to paint the nursery?

    • f_yeah_marie

      Seriously!  I didn’t mind it at first but now it brings the show down and it seems so far removed from anything else that’s going on.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1013738129 Megan Nichols Sears

      Don’t forget mold.

  • Joshau Norton

    I’m kind of lost this season as well. First of all Nolan turns from a prissy looking weakling into sexy BF material. Conrad and Victoria are going from all “War of the Roses” directly into a wedding vow renewal ceremony. Charlotte is/isn’t recognized as Conrad’s daughter. Emily’s mother is/isn’t a homicidal maniac? (I think I’m getting tired of that one) Daniel loves/hates his father.

     It’s like they build up big dramitic scenarios then just toss them aside and everyone develops amnesia to previous death threats and murder attempts so the storyline can continue.

    It will be fun as long as Emily can maintain the upper hand in all this. As soon as the writers decide to start one-upping her and having her plots fail so they can maintain some sort of contrived suspense, I’m gone.

    • annieanne

      The only thing that makes all the plot holes bearable is waiting for Ems to kick some serious ass. As soon as they try to end that, the show is over.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1013738129 Megan Nichols Sears

      Victoria’s lover’s long lost daughter is brought into the Grayson family fold, only to fall over a ledge at her baby shower at the mansion and end up in a coma.  Three days later everyone acts like it never happened.  This show is so silly and delicious I don’t even care!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=755957928 Veronica Russek

    LOL, while you were dazed by Victoria’s Vera Wang I was closely scrutinizing those pearls (I make jewelry)!!! I agree that the pretty was really pretty indeed in this episode!

    • annieanne

      I make jewelry too and I lusted after those pearls.

  • Judy_S

     I thought the Wang was almost a tribute to Victoria’s lack of enthusiasm (complemented by the black lillies). It was like a personifcation of elegant fug. I loved Emily’s yellow dress and the Nolan-Padma blues though.

    • http://twitter.com/bstolemyremote bitchstolemyremote

      Actually thought Em looked nearly as good in the yellow as the red.

      Hadn’t considered the grey wedding dress as a comment on her feelings for the wedding. Nice catch!

  • f_yeah_marie

    I was hoping Emily and Aidan would have some really hot sex at the end of this episode, but perhaps that might still happen somewhere down the line.  She seems to be softening up towards him, but I do wonder if whatever remnants she has of her feelings towards Daniel are also resurfacing.  I also wish that Nolan/Gabriel Mann would stop parting his hair; I preferred him with bangs like at the season premiere.

  • Jessi03

    Nolan looks so beautiful that I could gasp.  Emily has morphed for me from Hampton’s Batman into Revenge Barbie this year.  Maybe it’s all the cleavage she’s showing off?  Jack bores me to tears, but it was sweet to see Amanda finally have something go right in her life.  Wonder how long for this world she is, now that she’s happy and helpful.  Padma’s dress (or a clone of it) is on sale at Macy’s for just over $200.  I’ve been eyeing it in white for a month or so for my wedding dress, and now may finally go try it on!

    • f_yeah_marie

       I am crushing on Nolan/Gabriel Mann so badly this season.  He dresses impeccably, has a bedroom voice, is witty/sarcastic…now if only he’d stop parting his hair and start boxing again ;)

  • f_yeah_marie

    Pardon me if this seems dim (I recently just caught up on this show, having watched the entire first season on Netflix), but why exactly was Emanda’s dad chosen as the fall guy for this whole terrorist/Initiative plot?  Was it Conrad’s way of sticking it to Victoria for cheating on him while escaping the blame/jail time, like a two birds with one stone situation?  And if Victoria was so in love with David Clark(e?), then why not stand by him (other than the fact that if she had done that, we wouldn’t have this wonderful show)?  I guess love doesn’t conquer all…

    • Inspector_Gidget

      They haven’t really explained much at all about the framing of David Clarke.  It does seem to be a theme of the show that none of these people are happy unless they are screwing someone else over.  It’s hard to imagine Victoria actually running off with him and living happily ever after.  (Not to mention these people change their hearts and minds every 5 minutes. But that’s part of the fun, right?)

  • annieanne

    Could someone explain to me the purpose of including Jack’s bar in the storyline? Iz tight-ass new partner going to end up as the local Initiative representative? There has to be a reason they’re wasting our time with those people….

    I really hope Vicky’s gown played better IRL than it did onscreen. I thought the colour was hideous. And the design wasn’t much better. Sorry Vera.

    • Inspector_Gidget

      I’m hoping the new “sinister partner” thing with the bar culminates in a ritual murder/suicide with Jack, Declan, Fauxmanda and The Boss at the bottom of the harbor.

      • annieanne

         Everytime the new partner comes onscreen, I see Martouf from Stargate SG-1. Seriously kills the ‘sinister’ buzz. 

    • adnama79

      The only possible reason I could see someone scheming for a bar would be for real estate – in which case why not just let them flounder on their own w/ the rotting wood and stuff until they’re desperate to sell?

      Unless it’s a move to get revenge on Jack and Declan’s mother?  Or to get her to come out of the woodwork?

  • http://profiles.google.com/adj.blair Adriana Blair

    Theory time! Emily can’t possibly think that the police won’t realize that Gordon’s dead body was frozen beforehand, and she seems to have something up her sleeve in terms of taking care of Mason…so what if she has actually set Mason up to take the fall for Gordon’s murder? That Mason killed Gordon to set up Conrad and beef up his own journalistic coverage of the Graysons?

    • Inspector_Gidget

      Ooh, not bad!  She does have a way of anticipating the moves of every person on the planet.

    • adnama79

      That’s my theory.  The connection between Emily Thorne and Amanda Clarke she may not have anticipated for this moment, but surely it’s occurred to her at some point and she’s ready to deal with that, too?  Or she won’t have to ’cause Mason’ll be in jail.

  • oohsparkley!

    Delicious episode and fashion porn.  My crush on Nolan is seriously ridiculous.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/J2VE4NE2FY2BP4QD2XOYKJGLPI Laura

    That red dress was indeed stunning on Emily

  • http://twitter.com/bstolemyremote bitchstolemyremote

    Will we be shot in the face if we admit that Victoria’s gown looked like it’d been dragged through the hearth, or that we take Ashley’s boycut panties to task in our review? Seriously, though, they looked like something Jane would wear before a jungle trek with Tarzan

    Points for the “boobs o’clock” red dress, but not so much the flat side-part, Emily darling.
    Boo to the matchy-matchy blue outfits…of course that may have something to do with wanting Padma in the “Amanda” at the bottom of the ocean come mid-season.

  • http://twitter.com/katshimmers Kat Wright

    What I want to know is: who is the second body in a box in the freezer!?!?!?!

    • Inspector_Gidget

      Aidan’s sister!

  • rjeujune

    Wasn’t that Jack floating at the bottom of the ocean? I always assumed it was. Next victim: Mason Treadwell. Anyone who comes dangerously close to identifying the real Amanda Clark usually bites the bullet, no?