God bless you, Victoria Grayson. Not only have you taught us the exact tone to take with service workers and social-climbing sluts, not only did you look fabulous walking toward that plane in time with Florence Welch, not only are you a maestro when it comes to filling one’s eyes with rage AND tears AT THE SAME TIME, but you’ve also shown us wonderfully creative ways to literally wrap up our bitchery in a bow. Because bitches? We are SO doing that empty-box-as-a-gift trick someday. Victoria Grayson, you are a GENIUS in bitchery. We can only bow down.
And mourn, apparently, but you won’t catch us doing that because we don’t believe for one nano-second that she blew up in that plane. Victoria saves her blowing up for people who cross her family and people in her family who cross her. You can’t keep a good bitch in a bandage dress down. She disembarked before takeoff, leaving Lydia to scatter herself all over the eastern seabord.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Oh so very much to unpack from this episode. We had some issues about how some things went down, but that was one eventful hour of television, we have to say. Anytime the soundtrack of our while-the-episode-is-airing conversation sounds like this:
“HAHAHAHAHA! ‘Taxicab bounce!’ She is such a BITCH!”
“THE BITCH IS PREGNANT?!?!?”
… then you know it’s a damn good hour of television.
We’re still not going to applaud something as stupid-sounding as “The Americon Initiative” – seriously, writers; that was the best you could come up with? – and we’re still a bit annoyed that the story is apparently going to expand outward past the Graysons, casting them as pawns in a much larger game, but we can’t deny that Conrad’s terror over Victoria exposing the family to the wrath of their apparent superiors was pretty shocking, and enough to keep us damn intrigued as to where this is going.
But there was one truly weak point in the story and it left us groaning in disappointment. The name of the show is “Revenge.” The entire story hangs on Amanda Clarke getting revenge on the people who destroyed and killed her father. At the very moment she almost-literally has her hands around the neck of her father’s killer, she remembers a fucking bird from her childhood and lets him go.
LETS HIM GO?!?
Oh, Hamptons Batman! What the hell were you thinking? And you were doing so good with your impressive axe-wielding skills and ability to hop on your feet after landing on your back. We were so proud of you when you busted out the revenge Sensei moves on
Bill Clinton the white-haired dude.
But she basically tore down everything she’d been working towards because her father – who was apparently gullible as hell and easily manipulated – told her to be a good girl 20 years ago. Come on now. Thank goodness Hamptons Batman has her saddle-shoed Robin to watch her back. Nolan had a personal-best episode with this one. And if the writers need
Bill Clinton the white-haired dude to become a player in the story going forward, then don’t put Emily’s hands around his neck because taking them off only made her look weak and indecisive. What did she think was going to happen next? Because even though he told her they had similar anti-Grayson goals, there’s no way she could have known that he’d keep her secret. And why the hell is he keeping her secret? He definitely knows that Emily Thorne is Amanda Clarke and that she’s infiltrated the Grayson family to enact her revenge? Why is he keeping that from Conrad?
BUT! We got confirmation that Amanda’s mother is going to figure into the story and apparently, she was quite the fighter herself. This is all getting into Alias-style plotting and while we’re grumpy about that, we can’t deny a “Where is my long-thought-dead mother and what the hell does she have to do with all of this?” plot for season 2 makes a pretty engrossing idea.
We’re also really glad she broke things off with the increasingly autocratic and easily manipulated Daniel. We’re tired of the “is she or isn’t she?” question hanging over that relationship. As far as we’re concerned, it was definitively answered a while ago and since she’s not in love with him in the slightest, the relationship was starting to feel like dead weight. Getting revenge on the Graysons by marrying one of them didn’t seem like the best of plans in retrospect. Let that B-level schemer Ashley have him, Ems. They deserve each other.
We’re also pretty happy that Jack doesn’t use condoms when fucking crazy strippers. We admit, after Sammy died, we almost believed that Jack and Emily could work as a couple, but we were looking for a reason for her to avoid it and Fauxmanda waddling back in the picture will do nicely. But how did she get away from Revenge Sensei? Since the show has a finely tuned sense of subtle camp, we’re really hoping next season she gives birth to an Asian baby. That would be both hilarious and it would return Jack to Emily’s arms (although it would take him a year to figure out he wasn’t the father), which the writers seem to want, even though he’s only slightly smarter than his wool-headed brother.
Oh, right. We’re supposed to care about the goings-on at Hamptons Hogwarts. Who gives a shit about Declan’s battling girlfriends? We don’t. Charlotte’s becoming more interesting in scenes where Declan never appears. Just as Daniel has turned into his father, Charlotte is very much turning into her mother. Of course the season ended with her dying on a bed with pills surrounding her. Who didn’t see that coming? But why exactly were all the pills all over the bed and floor? Was she tossing handfuls of them in the air and catching them in her mouth?
Next season? No idea where it’s going. But isn’t that awesome?
Oh, and one final note to Hamptons Batman. Change your mascara, girl. That extreme closeup of your eye showed some pretty clumpy lashes. Victoria Grayson would never allow her lashes to clump. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[Photo Credit: ABC]