Musical Monday: It’s South Pacific, ladies!

Posted on February 26, 2007


Yes, it’s South Pacific! The Rodgers and Hammerstein salute to horny, half-naked men and racism! Our movie starts here, on some unnamed South Pacific island in the waning years of WWII, where the men are horny and not afraid to turn to each other for comfort.


It is then that we meet he who should have been the star of this film, Stew Pot. Ahhh, Stew Pot. God bless you for sleeping with the cast director to get this part and God bless you for not wearing any underwear during your scenes. Stew Pot, My Favorite Martian, and the rest of the chorus boys break into song.


They all sing about how there’s nothing like a dame while flexing and ripping off their shirts. It’s like the South Pacific chapter of the Westboro Baptist church.


Then Stew Pot has his solo and Tom and Lorenzo shift uncomfortably in their seats. In truth, his solo lasts all of 5 seconds, but we paused and rewound so many times that it feels like he sang an entire aria while we stared at his belly button.

Mmmmm. Stew Pot.


After the men are done with their flexing, we meet Lt. Cable, a marine assigned to the island on a special mission. He runs into local racist caricature, Bloody Mary.


She declares him a “sexy man.” Then the color filters kick in big time (as they do every time someone opens their mouth to sing) and she sings to him of the mysterious Bali H’ai, the island across the way.

Lorenzo thinks this song is gorgeous, by the way.


Cable is suitably shocked at this middle aged woman’s candid sexual overtures and embarrassed that everyone is looking at him while he turns yellow.


We know it’s supposed to look mysterious and inviting, but frankly, you couldn’t pay us to go there. You just know there’s dinosaurs on that island.


Meanwhile Nurse Nellie is having lunch with local plantation owner Emil, whom everyone pretends is French even though he’s clearly Italian.


She sings a little bit.


Then he sings a little bit.


Then they seal the pact of their love by drinking the blood of a virgin while the sky burns. After that, he tells her he once killed a man. Nellie, completely ignorant of the concept of “red flags,” shrugs and deals with it.


Later, the brass calls in Nelly for a meeting. “Nelly,” they say, “Seeing as how there’s a war on and you’re running around dressed like you’re on a cruise ship all the time, we figured you’re the right gal to spy on that Italian guy that everyone says is French.”


Confused and frustrated, Nelly accidentally wanders into the lesbian shower area and sings about washing that man out of her hair, to the delight and titillation of her sapphic sisters. They’re not listening to a word she’s saying. They’re just picturing her naked.


Emil shows up and dazzles her with his Italian accent. Rossano Brazzi = hot.


Meanwhile, Cable and My Favorite Martian take a boat over to Bali H’ai, where they are greeted as kings and not the least bit freaked out by that. Seriously, we would have been running back to the boats. These people are totally going to eat them.


Bloody Mary saves Cable from the cannibalistic islanders and takes him to Pier One Imports. He’s willing to sex her if it means not being eaten, but fortunately, she has other plans. She introduces Cable to her daughter, Liat.


Liat spelled backwards is “tail” and that’s just a little of what Cable gets.

This is without a doubt, the sexin’est musical ever made.


Emil throws Nelly a party and she shows her appreciation in her own adorably naive way – by thrusting her breasts into his face.


Emil then introduces her to two adorable native children. Nelly thinks they’re darling when she assumes they’re the children of Emil’s servant.

But reacts in a slightly less enlightened manner when she finds out that they are in fact, his children. We’d've dumped her racist ass at this point, but Emil is smitten. Killed a man? No problem! Got it on with a non-white at some point? Deal-breaker!


“Listen, you stupid racist cracker, I LOVE YOU!”

But it’s not meant to be. Nelly melodramatically runs off with a swirl of her completely-inappropriate-for-WWII-fashion crinolines.


Back on Bali H’ai, Mary is taking far too much of an interest in her daughter’s sex life. Oddly, Cable seems to like being watched.


They introduce him to their local sex customs, like putting on finger puppet shows in lieu of more traditional forms of foreplay, like oral sex. Cable is charmed, but once he realizes he’s got a lifetime of no blowjobs ahead of him, he cuts out of there, reasoning that he’s got a better chance of getting his carrot waxed with the tight-assed girlfriend back in Philadelphia, rather than with the hot native girl with the weird mother.


Mary is not thrilled and in true racist caricature fashion, she places a curse on him in her suddenly guttural voice.


Later, there’s a USO-type show for the troops, which is suitably lame until Stew Pot (*sigh*) comes out dressed like Tarzan and suddenly, it’s the Battle of the Bulge all over again.

Thank god for Stew Pot, we say.


After the show, Cable and Nelly get together for the inaugural meeting of the South Pacific Chapter of the Aryan Nation. First item on the agenda: “God it like, totally sucks when you’re hot for non-whites!”


Emil crashes the meeting in his charming Italian-accented English masquerading as French-accented English and asks Nelly just what the hell she’s doing with her hand up Cable’s ass. Nelly has it out with him and finally says what she’s been thinking all along.


“I can’t love you because you put your thing in a brown girl!”

Who can argue with reasoning like that, right? So she runs off melodramatically again.


Cable sings a lovely little song about hate and then comes up with a brilliant plan.

“Say…since your girlfriend’s a stinking racist and since I lost my girlfriend because I’m a stinking racist, what say you and I go and volunteer for that incredibly dangerous top secret mission?”


“Brilliant idea, Einstein. You couldn’t just recommend we get drunk and hire a couple hookers like normal servicemen?”

Cable dies and Liat is doomed to a life of putting on puppet shows for a long line of American servicemen. Emil is lost for a long time, but Nelly realizes the mistake of her ways and since this is a musical, that’s all you really need to solve any sort of problem that comes your way.


Emil comes home, dirty and sweaty and Nelly becomes the 1940s version of Madonna, complete with Euro husband and brown children. Together, they found the Benneton clothing line and live happily ever after on the sweat of thousands of Pacific Islanders willing to sew cheap clothes together for pennies a week.

Next week: Gene Kelly’s magnificent ass finally makes an appearance in Brigadoon!

[Screencaps: tomandlorenzo.com]

Tags:

  • Gwen

    Oh my god, that guy’s camel toe is unbelievable.

  • K.

    You sure Stewpot is Tarzan? I think maybe Bacchus, considering the carefully placed *grapes* on his costume.

  • Pittypat

    OMG, you’re killing me here. Now I have to go back and watch ALL the old movies again, which will NEVER look the same to me. How did I miss so much the previous times I saw them?!! ;-) Delicious, darlings.

  • Vic

    Liat spelled backwards is “tail” and that’s just a little of what Cable gets.

    You’ve just put a whole new spin on my mom’s favorite musical.

    And guys, can anyone tell me why musicals went out of favor? This kind of over the top entertainment is exactly what I’d pay to see.

  • Pepperm,int Patty

    You know, I’ve avoided “South Pacific”, but now I may have to watch it. Mmmm, Stew Pot.

    Ahh, Brigadoon. One of my absolute favorites. The wedding scene just gets me every time. And the hot men in kilts.

  • madelineanne

    Yay forthcoming Brigadooney goodness! Having spent many summers going to Scottish dancing competitions that has a special place in my heart, especially since my heart is ruled by Gene Kelly. *swoon*
    And it really is amazing the kind of horrible things people say and do in musicals and you sort of forget about them because all you remember is happy little hand puppets or jolly barn raisings. Scary!

  • ToddNY

    HOT HOT HOT. Stewpot and all the other boys are HOT. Fabulous post!

  • LaFemmeFataledeNY

    “I can’t love you because you put your thing in a brown girl!”

    OH. MY. GOD. Hilarious!!!!

  • Jules

    Speaking of Tarzan, did anyone notice the navigator of the plane was played by Ron Ely in his pre-Tarzan days?

  • macasism

    it’s the Battle of the Bulge all over again

    Love you boys!

    Oh boy, Gene Kelly in a kilt. I think I have to go to blockbuster.

  • barby

    Hilarious, thank you!

    Please please please tell us that you are going to do an Oscar fashion post. I want to hear your comments on all the best and the worst!

  • Bill

    That was Bali Ha’i-sterical.

    I always liked the sailors but hated just about verything else about this movie.

    From the look of those tight jeans, somebody left a soup bone in the Stewpot. My. my.

    Stewpot’s (Ken Clark) singing was dubbed in the movie by Thurl Ravenscroft. You know Thurl. His most famous voiceover work was saying “They’rrrrrrre Grrrrrrreat!!!! That’s right, Tony the Tiger sang for Stewpot.

  • James Derek Dwyer

    I say bring on Gene Kelly and his posterior attributes…

  • Anonymous

    I think I speak for everyone when I say you are required to do yet another whole completley separate blog wherein you ONLY do this exact skewering of musicals. It’s truly a gift from God, this snark you possess. Please don’t withhold it!

  • DanielDC

    I guess they were not allowed to wear underwear on the island. The visible penis lines (VPLs)?. LOVING IT!!

  • kitschtrain

    “I can’t love you because you put your thing in a brown girl!”

    Who can argue with reasoning like that, right? So she runs off melodramatically again.

    ROFL. PRICELESS!!
    By the way, I love this movie.

  • Michael

    Loving Musical Mondays, boys. But then I’m a big showtune queen! Yes, thank god indeed for Stew Pot! WOOF. And Rossano Brazzi is a hunka-munka-chunka, too!
    Too bad about the the ToddAO color (those annoying filters that occasionally make the actors look like they’re either suffering from advanced stages of Hepititus or suffocating) Chalk it up to one of those failed 1950s experiments like those color wheels that flashed gels over black and white TVs in an effort to trick viewers into thinking color TV had already arrived.

    I always thought Doris Day would have been the perfect Nellie, but sadly she was contracted at the wrong studio.

  • Karrol

    “Lorenzo thinks this song is gorgeous, by the way.” I do, too, Lorenzo(I used to sing it in Jr High choir, by the way, along with songs from Oliver!).
    Yes, thank God for Stew Pot. I forgot how racist this musical was, but the Happy Talk finger puppets are always good for a larf.

  • Fat Bottom Girls

    Thank you Thank you for doing South Pathetic, as we called it in high school! This made my day!

  • Anonymous

    I rented this the other day just to know what you gayboys are talking about and, omg, Stewpot! He’s got the deepest singing voice I’ve ever heard and the biggest camel I’ve seen on a guy since Alfie in “The Apple.”

    Only watched the first coupla scenes, though. Too much talk talk – 2 1/2 hours of this? I passed. (Besides, the DVD was not anamorphic and so it didn’t fit my 16:9 screen properly.)

    How GAAAAAAY was that opening number!!! :)

    KiP

  • thombeau

    I say this time and again, but you guys totally rule!!!

    A great double bill is “South Pacific” followed by “Querrelle”. Try it at home! Make sure you’re drinking, or whatever it is you do to make it all a blur. Enjoy!

  • Gorgeous Things

    OMG, I’m crying from laughing so hard!
    “You just know there’s dinosaurs on that island.”
    I think that’s Nessie in the foreground. And the island looks like Krakatoa before the explosion.

  • Anonymous

    I have to agree with Barby: as much as I love Musical Mondays, I came to you boys for Oscar talk! While there are “Best and Worst” lists all over the net, your opinions are the only ones I really care about. ^_~

  • Anonymous

    OH MY GOD – I love Musical Mondays – I’m dying from laughing. Thank you thank you thank you!

  • riley of oc

    This was hilarious but I cannot wait for Brigadoon!

  • Young offender

    I’m pretty sure this is the funniest thing I’ve ever read.

    That Madonna crack is phenomenal.

    -april

  • Anonymous

    “…and Nelly becomes the 1940s version of Madonna, complete with Euro husband and brown children. Together, they found the Benneton clothing line and live happily ever after on the sweat of thousands of Pacific Islanders willing to sew cheap clothes together for pennies a week.”

    LOL!!! HILARIOUS!!!

    YOU.ARE.GENIUS!

  • Lisette

    I could live for Musical Mondays alone!

  • ayla

    As much as I love South Pacific, and your telling of it, I cannot WAIT for Brigadoon, which is one of my favorite, favorite musicals ever. Gene Kelly’s ass just takes it.

  • Marlene

    I’ve been working in musical theatre for over 30 years, and GOD it’s so hilarious to have you guys putting a TOTALLY new spin on some of these creaky old gems!!! Love it, love it, love it!

    I too would LOVE to hear your dish on the Oscars!!

  • BrianB

    The only thing better than looking at your screen captures of Stew Pot is watching him walk that thing around in the movie!

    I have to say your choices for Movie Musical Mondays aren’t the first ones I would go out of my way to see but you make them so-o-o-o much fun! I don’t think I’ve ever had the stamina to sit all the way through Brigadoon, but I can’t wait for you guide me through!

    Bill said that Stew Pot’s singing voice was dubbed. As was Rossano Brazzi’s John Kerr’s and unbelievably, Juanita Hall’s, who sang the role on Broadway! I bet Mitzi breathed a sigh of relief!

    BrianB

  • Sewhat?

    Boys,

    Did you notice that in the “Listen, you stupid racist cracker, I LOVE YOU!” picture, that ‘Nelly’ looks exactly like Betty Ford, of the Betty Ford Clinic, widow of Gerrald R. Ford.

    I mean identical.

  • Desarae

    I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!, I was having a terrible, horrible no good day when I read this and instantly cracked up when you pointed out Stew Pot’s no underwear!! So thank you for giving me a couple laughs, I love musical mondays. When are you guys going to do Singin in the Rain?

  • frogboots

    i really do not need to see any of these musicals….i think I get all the south pacific i need right here (though all those sweaty shirtless men….yum! in those dimly-lit scenes with the Tail or whatever her name is, that Cable character looks quite quite fine).

    i also loved the dinosaurs line.

    (oscar gossip, i mean critique, from y’all would be DIVINE).

  • twc

    Knock Knock.

    Who’s there?

    Tom and Janet.

    Tom and Janet who?”

    Tom and Janet evening ….

    I love Musical Mondays!!!

  • j-yo

    I’ve never actually watched South Pacific. Having grown up in Hawaii, I have this strange aversion to any production that features islanders speaking with goofy accents and strange Hollywood-created “island customs” such as *ahem* … finger puppets as foreplay! However, now that you’ve made me LMAO, I may just have to go to Netflix and add this to my queue.

  • Suzanne

    OK it is WAAAAY to early in the morning for me to be laughing this hard….seriously- snot- running- cannot -catch-my-breath hysterics here T & L.

  • Dova1965

    It was the Pier One line that got me laughing out loud, and from there I couldn’t stop.

    You guys are genius.

  • Missy

    I love, love, love, love, LOVE the blog guys. Musical Mondays kick off my dreary work week (they *gasp* actually make me look forward to something on Monday).

  • Young offender

    This post is so colorful, as I scroll downwards, I feel like Dorothy stepping into Oz for the first time. Pure awe.

    -april

  • miss jaunty

    Another brilliant post, thanks for the laughs. I will now watch old movies with a much greater appreciation, mainly for the gays who paved the way for all the fabulosity we now enjoy!

    “Emil crashes the meeting in his charming Italian-accented English masquerading as French-accented English and asks Nelly just what the hell she’s doing with her hand up Cable’s ass.”

    I think you boys are the reason “LOL” was coined!

    My, my, my, but that Stew Pot fella certainly is well hung and versatile!

  • Anonymous

    Love some of the songs, but never been a big fan of SP.

    But, Lordy, you girls are right, I am now a big fan of Stew Pot.

    Serve me up a big dish on the side.

    Another wonderful bit of musical madcap hijinks from the PRGBs.

    Keep serving it up! Can’t wait for next weeks men in kilts to see

  • Cat

    South Pacific (and The King and I) are movies I loved as a wee child, but being old enough to understand the undertones makes them less enjoyable. Except, of course, for the singing and the dancing and the shirtless Stew Pots! (So I just plug my ears while everyone’s talking.)

    Brigadoon! Huzzah!

  • snf in va

    Another view of Stew Pot (Ken Clark)and his package:

    http://www.briansdriveintheater.com/horror/kenclark/kenclark17.jpg

    Apparently, prior to his acting career, he was a ‘physique model’.
    Uh-huh.

  • Anonymous

    Good Lord, I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle Fosse.

  • Lar’

    “Carrot waxed”?!

    As the other straight guy who reads your blog, I gotta tell you I don’t think I’ve ever heard the expression “carrot waxed” come out of a straight guy’s mouth!

    Get you “dick wet”, sure. “Drain the lizard”, “churn the butter”, and even (when being literary) “make the beast with two backs”.

    But, man, I’m pretty sure we don’t wax our carrots. Too much friction, y’know?

  • Roxy

    “We know it’s supposed to look mysterious and inviting, but frankly, you couldn’t pay us to go there. You just know there’s dinosaurs on that island.”

    You cracked me up!

  • e jerry

    You do realize that Ken Clark is 79 years old and hasn’t worked since 1998, right?

    There’s a Stewpot for you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/mary.nease Mary Nease

    I’m auditioning for a role in a local production of the show and had to read y’all’s commentary. I’m watching the movie now and my God, that girl can’t keep a consistant southern accent.