RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE GLOBAL ALL STARS: Dance Like The World Is Watching

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This is the way the first season of RuPaul’s Drag Race Global All-Stars ends; not with a bang or a whimper, but the most expected outcome possible.

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This is normally the part where we’d say that these queens deserved better, but you know what? While that may be true, we think it’s time to stand up and declare that it’s we the viewers who deserve better than this half-assed, by-the-numbers season ending with a formulaic crowning of yet another Ru girl. We can all rally for whatever queen (Nehellenia) who might have deserved (Nehellenia) the win more than any other (NEHELLENIA), but the fact remains that all four of these queens are leaving this show with an elevated profile and more bookings at higher fees. In other words, they all won already.

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Here’s what: We don’t want to write another paragraph about how this show is mostly filler that simply shoots the queens sitting around and talking in the Werk Room for at least half of every episode. Theoretically, watching performers construct a performance by talking their way through the process with other performers is a great way to illuminate their craft, skill and artistry, as well as their fears and insecurities.

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Similarly, conducting an exit interview with each queen in the finale should, theoretically, provide some moments of truth, connection, and context for their artistry. Sometimes it even does, but the vast majority of these scenes have become, “I can’t believe we made it to the finale!” “I can’t believe I made it to the finale!” “You worked so hard to get here.” “I worked so hard to get here.” “You’re an amazing queen.” “No, you’re an amazing queen.” It’s all just so rote, so expected, so lacking in any illumination. Everyone’s saying or doing the things they know are expected of them at that moment in the production. We honestly don’t know what the solution is outside of a major shakeup in the franchise’s formula, but that sort of thing never happens when reality franchises are barreling toward their third decade.

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The eliminated queens were brought back to show off their very best drag and all of them delivered. Athena’s look was probably her prettiest of the season. Vanity essentially gave us her regular drag with the dials turned up and the glam elevated. Miranda’s was a stunner. Soa’s was stylish and culturally on point, but it didn’t feel particularly draggy. Pythia’s was fabulous and a little gross. Those were some of the best fake heads we’ve ever seen. Eva slayed in a pure stunner. Tessa sported her best gown of the season. Gala skipped the body drag this time and served up dark fantasy in a gorgeous look. As for the final four:

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She looks beautiful and extremely polished, but we stand by what we said all season: she relies too much on legs and wigs in her costumes. She’s worn this wig a couple of times already, so it’s a bit of a letdown to see it hauled out again for her final look.

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We thought this was shockingly bad. As a concept, it’s a bit stale and expected, but we’re surprised by how mediocre the execution is. The fit is bad all over and it’s hellaciously wrinkled.

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This is a gorgeous look, although we feel like the bottom half is a bit unresolved.

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Look, those other bitches did okay, but this is the kind of drag we want to see on a finale stage. Pure stunning.

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Soa received the Global Peacekeeper award, which was a pleasant surprise.

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Just cast your mind back to the “Read U Wrote U” number or even the “Hey, Kitty Girl” one to see just how cheap and dull these finale numbers have become. We’d say the queens did their best, but they really just did what was asked of them: the bare minimum. Stomp around rapping about how great you are. Don’t worry about choreography or even sets. The production will just green screen in some backgrounds and backup dancers. Just a piss poor production all around.

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In a similar vein, the final lip sync seemed designed to strip it of any real tension. The Queens finally got a great song to work with (“Bad Romance,”) but they were all tasked with lip syncing alone, which tends to lower the energy levels a bit because no one has anyone else to face off against. Still, they all did a decent enough job, but this was clearly Alyssa’s and Nehellenia’s moment.

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But Nehellenia could have shot fireworks out of her pussy and she still wouldn’t have won, would she? Look, Alyssa’s far from an undeserving queen. She’s literally one of the most polished and accomplished queens in the entire Drag Race Alumnae Association. She did a fantastic job all season and there was never a chance that she wouldn’t have made it to the finale on the merits. But there’s just no denying that this so-called international competition quite clearly favored the queens with which Ru was most familiar and all of those queens were native English speakers. The fact that three out of the four finalists were Ru girls just isn’t a great look for the franchise, damning it in the eyes of an international audience. Condragulations to Alyssa, a truly great drag queen, but this moment feels tainted.

Legendary Children: The First Decade of RuPaul’s Drag Race and the Last Century of Queer Life, a New York Times “New and Notable” pick, praised by The Washington Post “because the world needs authenticity in its stories,” and chosen as one of the Best Books of The Year by NPR is on sale wherever fine books are sold!   It’s also available in Italian and Spanish language editions, darlings! Because we’re fabulous on an INTERNATIONAL level.

[Photo Credit: Paramount Plus via Tom and Lorenzo, World of Wonder Productions, Inc./Paramount+]

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