Kate Upton at “The Other Woman” NY Premiere

Posted on April 25, 2014

It’s time, darlings. Time to ask the question on everyone’s lips. And by “everyone,” we mean us, of course. Said question?

Just what the hell is wrong with Kate Upton, anyway?

Kate-Upton-Saint-Laurent-The-Other-Woman-NY-Premiere-Tom-Loenzo-Site-TLO (1)Kate Upton attends the premiere of “The Other Woman” held at the Paley Center for Media in New York City in a Saint Laurent blouse paired with Saint Laurent pants, Salvatore Ferragamo shoes, an Emm Kuo clutch, Maiyet earrings, and Jennifer Fisher rings.

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Kate-Upton-Saint-Laurent-The-Other-Woman-NY-Premiere-Tom-Loenzo-Site-TLO (5)

It’s perfectly fine if she wants to get away from her pinup past and present herself as a (semi-)Serious Actress, but running straight to the frumpy section is not the way to go about it. A classic case of someone who never learned how to dress her body except to show it off. That’s not us being judgmental (well, not too much, anyway). She made her career on working that bod; no shame in that. But if she wants a career that requires more of her than looking good in a bikini, she needs to schedule a long afternoon in a dressing room, trying everything on. She also needs a bitchy dressing room co-pilot to accompany her and wrinkle their nose in distaste at most of her choices. We volunteer.

But if you won’t take us up on our offer, Kate, at least listen to us when we say that there’s a way to dress your body that won’t make you feel like you’re showing it off while at the same time not hiding it so obsessively that you look like you have some issue with it.  This ain’t it.

 

 

 

[Photo Credit: Jennifer Graylock/INFphoto.com]

    • Carleenml

      and if the outfit’s not bad enough, the make up is hideous.

      • Constant Reader

        I want to say it’s the Devil’s eyeliner, but actually, it’s Sarah Jessica Parker’s.

        • bizarro

          See, I kinda love her eyeliner because she is young and can pull it off. Full disclosure- I LOVE eyeliner and I don’t care how much it ages me, you will have to pry mine from my dead cold hands :).

          • Constant Reader

            I will concede that her youth makes this eyeliner more attractive on her than it is on SJP. :) I will also concede that I am less annoyed by makeup mishaps in the young than I am in someone who has more red carpet experience.

        • scoobynacks

          So glad I wasn’t drinking anything when I read that. Died. Ha.

      • Sarah

        Totally agree. The eyes or the lips should be the focus, not both, and the powder really seems to be aging her.

        She’s in the latest issue of Vogue (with Kimya on the cover) and she is unrecognizable here. I would never, ever guess that this was the same woman.

      • deltabronze

        Her eyebrows are too close together, which makes her look stern and/or cranky.

    • Laurie Bergman

      She doesn’t strike me as a Saint Laurent girl.

      • Ginger

        That shirt doesn’t strike me as Saint Laurent…more along the lines of Cato maybe?

        • kittenwithaquip

          I’m having a Chico’s moment.

          • Ginger

            Oooooh yes…that’s much more on-point. Good call.

    • Gatto Nero

      This is so aging. All of it.
      And if you want to be taken seriously, animal print is not the way to go.

      • Trent

        This is SO NOT meant as a personal attack — just a general observation — but can we start rethinking our use of “aging” as a fashion epithet? (I’m guilty of it, too.) IMO, “aging” really shouldn’t be synonymous with “unattractive” or “frumpy” or even “matronly.” She’s only 21, so “aging” could mean she looks 25, but that’s not how most of us use it. There really should be no fashion downside to looking more mature.

        And now I’m off my soapbox, and again, no disrespect intended. ( :

        • Gatto Nero

          I agree with you about the use of “aging” as an epithet. That was careless of me.
          What I intended to say was that the clothes look dated, and that her makeup looks hard and overdone, as though on someone maybe twice her age who is trying way too hard.
          She would do better with clean lines for her clothes and a fresher approach to her face and hair.

        • http://www.tomandlorenzo.com/ Tom and Lorenzo

          “There really should be no fashion downside to looking more mature.”

          I have to say, I disagree pretty strongly with this. A 16-year-old dressed like a 30-year-old is a fashion mistake, as is a 25-year-old dressed like a 45-year-old or a 45-year-old dressed like a 70-year-old.

          It’s not an epithet; it’s a criticism.

          • Gatto Nero

            Ah yes, this ^.
            I find it equally upsetting to see little girls in stilettos as 50-year-olds in rompers.

          • Trent

            Hey TLo! Love you guys and the blog (and book) and I do get your point — especially regarding young teens wearing sexier clothes. But IMO, these days 45-year-olds often wear the same clothes as 25-year-olds — skinny jeans and Converses and shorter skirts. Ashton Kutcher, at 36, wears pretty much what he wore at 20, and Debbie Harry at 68 still wears styles she wore 40 years ago. It feels like (teens excluded) adults hold onto “younger” styles a lot longer than they used to — the old fashion “rites of passage” apply less and less. And looking older shouldn’t necessarily be seen as a negative thing.

            Sorry to ramble. I guess all I meant was that the word “aging” alone, IMO, doesn’t or shouldn’t mean “frumpy” or “unstylish,” which is what I think most people intend. But again, that’s JMO.

            • ampg

              But a 45-year-old who knows what s/he’s doing will alter the look just enough to make it age-appropriate. And that’s the problem here – the overall styling reads much older than it should.

            • http://www.tomandlorenzo.com/ Tom and Lorenzo

              Thanks!

              But I’m afraid I still don’t agree. That it’s trendy for some older people to dress younger doesn’t mean it actually looks good or stylish.

              And again, it’s not about saying that looking older is bad; it’s saying that dressing older than your age is bad. That’s not the same thing at all. Helen Mirren looks incredible, but if Elle Fanning dressed like her, she’d look horrible.

            • kategs

              I disagree. Some just don’t feel comfortable ” dressing their age” for many reasons. And who decides what that means? You think Helen Mirrin’s stripper heels are just fine but when Allison Williams dresses in something elegant you ding her for dressing too maturely. I don’t get it.

            • http://www.tomandlorenzo.com/ Tom and Lorenzo

              “And who decides what that means?”

              You realize that’s the point to all our red carpet coverage, right? To judge the stars for how they dress? We decide what that means. Just as you decide what that means when you render your own opinions on the topic.

              I honestly don’t get the point about Helen Mirren and Allison Williams. Stripper heels notwithstanding, Helen dresses age appropriate and tends to look pretty great. Allison dresses like someone from her mother’s generation and generally looks kinda terrible, from where we’re sitting.

            • kategs

              I guess what I am attempting to get at here is how your opinions are formed. Your logic eludes me on many of them.

          • scoobynacks

            It reminds me of a scene in “Gone With the Wind” where Scarlett’s mother Ellen O’Hara is helping her celebrate her pity party over being an early widow to Melanie’s brother whom she barely knew. Ellen says “it’s only natural to want to look young and be young when you ARE young.” There’s plenty of time to look that older age. You might be spending a lot of time later trying to look younger. Go ahead and wear and do your hair and makeup in a way that celebrates what you have naturally now because it’ll slip through your fingers like quicksilver.

          • Nayasabrina

            I think the issue is using the word “mature” as a euphemism for “older than one’s chronological age”. Maturity to me implies wisdom acquired with age, which would include dressing (age and otherwise) appropriately for the occasion while expressing one’s personal style. Too bad such a useful word has been corrupted.

    • Allie Carter

      But the lady pants are awesome.

    • BayTampaBay

      Other than a swimsuit model, I just don’t get her but she seems to be an Anna Wintour favorite chosen-one.

      What am I a not seeing?

      • Imasewsure

        I’m not getting it either but I think that has more to do with her choices on this pole dance than anything else. I really haven’t seen her too many times before so she just seems unremarkable (within a certain stratosphere of beauty of course)

      • Danielle

        My husband would tell you it’s because of the Kat Daddy video where she’s dancing in a bikini, but I think she’s just a very pretty model with a slightly more “normal” figure.

        • YoungSally

          I thought she was doing the dougie in that video — obviously I stand corrected.

          Unless she has a body of work.

      • LipstickForPigs

        When you find out let me know. She’s never done anything for me.

    • SewingSiren

      To wear this look successfully, you need to have rhinestone eyes.
      On a completely unrelated note , I just heard a fabulous poet on the radio by the name of Richard Blanco, Two of the poems he read in particular Queer Theory According to my Grandmother and Killing Mark were fantastic.

      • Gatto Nero

        How great to find a poetry recommendation here.
        I’ll look him up. Thanks!

      • VictoriaDiNardo

        YES! He did the second Inaugural poem for Obama and I heard a wonderful interview with Terry Gross on Fresh Air not long ago. He’s delightful!

      • demidaemon

        Just read some of his poems. I am blown away. Wow.

      • VioletFem

        What a lovely recommendation!

    • https://twitter.com/actual_grownup aly

      She needs to build a Michael Kors & Calvin Klein wardrobe. Girl is cryin’ for aviators, minimalist gowns, and that classic American fashion.

    • Anna

      Honey, there’s plenty of options between Sofia Vergara in that white dress (to use another bodacious woman as an example) and this figure-obliterating number. All the respect in the world though for not going the usual tacky, swimsuit model trying to be an actress route.

      And hey, I like your hair and your earrings.

      • Kent Roby

        Didn’t she have really short hair a hot minute ago? I’m so confused.

        • Anna

          I think she had it up and the way the bangs were styled made it look short. But extensions are always a given with these starlets.

    • Andrea Lentz

      um i think she looks great…lol

      • Granny panties

        Agree! I love this outfit, think it’s quite sexy. Amazing legs and hair esp.

    • marlie

      First, I really like her hair and makeup. I like the idea of a Veronica Lake look for her. Second, I like the gold accessories. Those earrings are so cool. Third, neither the blouse or the pants are perfect, BUT they would have both been better served by being paired with separate, slimmer pieces. Pair the blouse with a pencil skirt or skinny pants (leather?!), and those pants with… anything else, and we could be in business.

      • Jennifer L.

        I actually think the slacks could be bumped up style wise if she went the classic white button down route, especially since she’s already rocking the vintage red lip.

        • marlie

          That could definitely work. It would have to be something a little more tailored, though, because this blouse is adding a little too much volume.

        • ktr33

          Yes to the white shirt, if it were very fitted.

        • demidaemon

          Yeah, the slacks are pretty unoffensive. However, the top is just overpowering everything else in an unflattering way.

    • Ginger

      Keep the pants and shoes because they both look a great, classic start. Ditch everything north of the waistline. That shirt (I’m on record as despising animal print) should never see the light of day and her makeup is……not good.

    • imspinningaround

      I like her head. Her hair looks pretty and I like her makeup.

      I truly do not understand this girl’s appeal, but as a lady, am I not supposed to? Is she just for dudes, like Yorkie bars, or “Inception?” She’s got big boobs and did the Dougie at a Lakers game. Oooooooh.

      • Ganoc

        Not wanting to sound disingenuous, but why on earth is “Inception” just for men? The Yorkie thing I get thanks to their horrible sexist advertising, but “Inception”?

        • Kate Andrews

          Yeah! Apparently I’m a man in disguise :)

        • imspinningaround

          I felt that all the advertising and hype around Inception was directed squarely at 18-49 year old men, and any questions or criticism I encountered about that movie from women was met with, “well of course you don’t understand it.” Well, I watched Inception, and it made my brain hurt not because I’m a woman but because I thought it was recursive and self-indulgent. *shrug*

          • Ganoc

            Thank you for clarifying – I didn’t encounter this at all. I’m a woman, I’m liked it well enough (despite its flaws – the most Right-brained film about Dream Logic ever made), but was fortunate enough not to see female critics condescended to in that manner.

            On reflection, most of the film critics I listen to and watch are pretty damn right-on in their sexual politics. Sorry to hear that’s not the case everywhere.

    • kmk05

      Nothing here works. Not that huge bow, that ugly animal print, or those dated trousers, but her hair is also dated and the makeup does her no favours.

    • moppet

      I had to Google it because it’s hard to believe that this is a 21-year-old woman in front of me; I thought I must have been mistaken about her age. I don’t think she needs to go around in schoolgirl outfits, but there’s got to be other choices that don’t pull her so far in the “matronly” direction. She is not rocking this pole dance. :(

    • MilaXX

      The only thing I like here are the pants. The hair looks brassy, the makeup looks harsh, the shirt looks like she borrowed it from her frumpy sister Christina Hendricks and the shoes are wrong for the pants. Less war paint, a scoop necked top (maybe one of those glittered sweat shits that are in style now) & a better shoe would go a long way towards keeping her covered and still youthful.

      • http://www.spellboundbymovies.com Beth Ann

        Yes, this outfit made me think of Christina Hendricks, too. It’s like both women have the same issues in styling and attitudes about styling. They want to be taken seriously as actress, and they want to wear something retro, but their choices don’t flatter their figures.

    • In_Stitches

      I kind of like it. I think slimming the leg of the pants a bit would help as the top has a slouchiness to it that needs a counter point. It’s not bad though. Okay, mixing metalics was bad. That purse and those shoes do not belong in the same conversation, but considering she hasn’t had the best batting average, I’m willing to call this a solid effort.

    • Imasewsure

      Head to toe awful -and she’s unrecognizable which is a weird tactic since at least outside of Sports Illustrated and model-nerds, she’s not so well known that she should really be needing to hide or transition, etc.

      Hate to say it but I think she needs Klumification just to start over…somewhere in the middle lies “greatness”

      • kimmeister

        I literally would have had zero idea who she was if it weren’t for the caption. Gurl, that’s not your face!

    • Erica

      She’s well endowed and doesn’t seem to have learned how to dress for that. Pro tip:no pussy bows. A darted V-neck (not in an animal print–yuck) would look great with the pants. She’s young, though. She’s got time to learn, if she finds the right gays.

      • Kate Andrews

        Yep. As a well-endowed gal, I’ve learned that simpler is better on top. And I love pussy bows, but I know that wouldn’t look too great on me.

    • Froggae

      This outfit is definitely frumpy, but her bigger problem is hair and makeup. She consistently goes with the dark eyebrows, dark roots, heavy makeup and too-light blonde hair–totally 80s and dated. Girl, treat your hair to a darker rinse and lighten up on the pancake.

    • Jennifer

      I’ve quickly reached the point with her that she’s making me actively angry with her terrible style choices on this pole dance. She is a young, gorgeous woman and she’s not doing herself any favors! I’d kill to look like that, I wouldn’t waste it on these terrible outfits!

    • boweryboy

      If she took you guys up on your offer would you really do it? Girlfriend is in need of some serious style intervention. This is something an 80 year old socialite would wear out to dinner.

      • demidaemon

        You said what I wanted to say yet didn’t for fear of offending anyone in that age group.

    • MW

      I had to google her, but she’s 21? This looks like she’s been wearing it since around 1995.

    • decormaven

      Big ol’ bow and animal print. Save that for the Golden Years, dear.

    • gabbilevy

      I hear you, Kate. Dressing for curves is hard to do in a way that isn’t either overly sexy or frumpy, and not a lot of clothing is made for shapes like yours (or mine, although you look way better in a bikini than I). Put all that fame and fortune to good use and get clothes made custom, or tailored, or whatever.

      • sundaynightaddict

        You hit the nail on the head. Designer clothes are designed for girls with less curves than Kate and Christina and they often come off looking dowdy instead of chic. While I don’t like this outfit, I can better picture it on somebody very tall and rail thin.

        • https://twitter.com/actual_grownup aly

          Yeah, but on someone older than Kate’s 21 years. She’s a kid!

    • Lisa M. (ReVoir) Kramp

      I wore a very similar outfit for my first managerial job at an Assisted Living Facility in 1992. Nice, but so not a RC look.

    • melanie0866

      Reminds me of Christina Hendricks, and not in a good way. Baggy blouses, fussy neck scarves, animal prints and ill-fitted pants are NOT your friends, honey.

      • HomeOfficeGirl

        Exactly what I was thinking – that somehow in an effort to NOT be seen as just her boobs, she’s run right to button up collars and hideous bows. No. No. No.

    • DaringMiss

      The fake eyelashes are killing me! It is like fuzzy caterpillars attached themselves to her lids.

    • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ Alicia

      When the strung out 50-year-old, desperately trying to seduce the poolboy, gets out of her yellow bikini, this is what she wears.

      • Imasewsure

        Ah it’s a Claire Danes moment she’s having? Makes sense now….

        • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ Alicia

          Kirsten Dunst!

          • Imasewsure

            Oh that’s right… the OTHER Claire Danes! I stand corrected!! :)

    • Danielle

      I get wanting to cover the girls up, but honey, you’re young and beautiful. Get RiRi’s number and meet over coffee.

    • dickylarue

      Is she heading to a Wednesday afternoon Broadway matinee with the rest of ladies in book club?

    • alyce1213

      My question is “What is right with Kate Upton?” Why is she a “top” model? Why is she in a movie?

    • frannyprof

      Thank you, Dear Gay Uncles, for never shying away from the hard questions. There should be a Nobel Prize for that. If there were, you’d be the clear nominees and ultimate winners.

    • 1carmelita

      I read that her movie is not very good—maybe she does not want anyone to recognize her.

      • sagecreek

        Just from the reviews, it sounds execrable.

      • alyce1213

        The reviews coming in are abysmal – “dimwitted faux-feminist comedy, “a conceptually odious, stupid-to-the-bone enterprise” and “the most grotesque pantomime of girl power” and worse — which is exactly what it looks like it would be. The ladies are frantically pole dancing, hoping for a big opening weekend because this dog has no legs.

    • Rachel Sawyer

      I actually thought Hillary Clinton had had a radical facelift when I first saw a thumbnail of this. Not the way you want to go.

    • d4divine

      She does need all that makeup…and the bow…oh my goodness. Is she channeling her future self.

    • Beardslee

      I am old enough to be her mother and I wouldn’t wear it – too matronly and frumpy. Please tell me that those bows are not coming back.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/TheOctocornNetwork International Model

      If she was interviewing for a Comptroller position at Wells Fargo, she’d be hired. She should hire away Rosie Huntington-Whitely’s stylist.

    • http://www.readbarbara.com/ ReadBarbara

      I can’t help think there is some sort of Hot Tub Time Machine alchemy going on here — this is a 1982 version of her showing up at a 2014 event.

    • KT

      Couldn’t agree more. I’ve continuously thought that her reason for looking frumpy over and over again is because in her attempt to not look like a swimsuit model, she’s gone so far in the other direction that she’s now at “middle-aged schoolmarm.”

      In her defense, I will say that dressing a curvacious body can certainly be tricky, and it’s hard to find things that fit properly, aren’t overtly sexy, and still feel modern. There’s a reason why Christina Hendricks goes for vintage so often –those silhouettes tend to be much more flattering to women with curves than most modern trends. Of course there are exceptions, but speaking from personal bias, this is generally the case.

      But then again, I don’t make nearly as much money as Kate Upton and could never entertain the idea of a stylist, so…. there goes all of my sympathy.

    • juniper

      Am I wrong when hearing a rant for a “be me” look? She’s been living a “do me” lifestyle (I’m assuming from what the Uncles said. I personally don’t know who this person is) and now needs to learn the art of “be me”

    • 3boysful

      Can’t. get. past. pussy. bow.

    • dorothea_brooke

      Honestly, it’s disconcerting and telling-and a real indictment of fashion- how seemingly uncomfortable with their bodies even the most gorgeous women are. This is a woman who is practically synonymous with “hot” and if she can’t find flattering clothes, what hope is their for the rest of us mortals? Do stylists exist for women with actual breasts? I’m really asking.

      • alyce1213

        May I ask what you mean by “actual breasts?”

        • dorothea_brooke

          Ah yes, that wasn’t well said. Large breasts.

          • alyce1213

            :-) Sometimes us littler gals get sensitive.

      • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ Alicia

        Most large-breasted women that I know do better than this!

    • nannypoo

      She’s on my irrational dislike list so naturally I hate this. But she looks slutty in everything else she wears. Girl can’t win with me.

    • Trickytrisha

      Too much nope there to even attempt to critique.

    • Shibori Girl

      Didn’t Bea Arthur wear bows like that – when she was much older than this young thing? I am older but will resist the fluffy bow look until I shuffle off this mortal coil (and not from choking on a neck bow either!)

    • MK03

      I feel like the pussy bow was purposely tied to make a “My eyes are up here” arrow. I can’t decide if it’s brilliant or obnoxious.

    • E.Nelson

      Vivienne Westwood. Prada. Haider Ackerman. The Row. Rick Owens. There, I did it, I’m a miracle worker.

    • cocohall

      Is she bucking to play the young Hillary Rodham Clinton? Save the frumpster blouses for the set dearie.

    • Ray Ray

      Office holiday party.

    • quiltrx

      She definitely needs a twatty gay to slap these clothes out of her hand while they’re still on their hangers.

    • demidaemon

      This is the best her hair and make-up has looked on this tour. The pants aren’t awful, but that is a horribly and matronly blouse. The pussy bow (that’s what it is, right?) is particularly execrable.

    • Pablo

      Straight from a Real Housewive, is it just me or does she look at least 40?

    • Fannie Wolston

      She’s a bank teller, it’s after work and she’s on her way to ladies night at TGIF. Or going to Uncle Fred’s for sunday dinner

    • HeatherMcIlrath

      i guess she got tired of being a pair of boobies on legs…i can respect that.

    • Cassidy Olsen

      It makes me a little too happy to realize Kate Upton and I have a similar body type, minus the…bountiful cleavage. Having high hips like hers make nearly all pants unflattering in some way. She can really only model lingerie and swimsuits. This a terrible look regardless of the fit, but I sympathize with her on trying to dress her body in a more “professional” way.

    • https://plus.google.com/+FrankLithiumz/posts Frank Lithium

      W. T. F.