Okay, what were you more surprised by, Nolan’s abs or Nolan’s sexual orientation? Because we were pretty blindsided by both. Does this show get more delicious week after week or what? We don’t know why so many people call it a “guilty pleasure.” There’s no guilt here, bitches. This show is a flat-out PLEASURE.
So Victoria and Conrad celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary by submitting to a profile in the Leisure section of the Times and hosting a small, intimate, disaster that leaves literally every single attendee running from the table, questioning themselves and their relationships. Darlings, why can’t we ever have dinner parties like that?
Also, crazy-but-still-kind-of-hot Frank, tracks down the real Emily Thorne, who knew Amanda in juvie and who now poses as Amanda and works as a stripper. LOVE these people! Real-Emily kills Frank with a tire iron just as he’s about to tell Victoria who Emily Thorne really is. Because in grand soap opera style, he can’t say “Victoria! Emily Thorne is really Amanda Clarke!” No, it has to be more along the lines of “I’m so glad you answered your phone. I was so worried that I’d never hear from you again. I’ve been doing everything I can to get back into your good graces. You’re never going to believe what I found out. About Emily. It’s a doozy. Are you ready? Hold on to your hat, because Emily is — ” WHAM. Oh, Frank. Killed by soap opera dialogue.
And Amber Valetta fell five stories, crushed a cab, and woke up a couple of days later with no visible swelling and only minor scratches! Wow! People in The Hamptons, hunh? They’re a special breed.
Declan is a douche and we want to never stop punching him, which is wrong of us. Jack is a wuss and he’s failing to prove that working class people are interesting and essential to the story.
Let’s see, what else?
Is Emily really in love with Daniel or is this whole thing an act? Is Charlotte her half-sister, do you think? Which means she’s sleeping with her half-sister’s half-brother. The Hamptons, right? Also, Ashley’s a bit more devious and grasping than we thought. If it weren’t for that whole “gay conman with restraining orders out” thing, she and Tyler might actually make a good match. And we’ve been yelling at Emily all along that she was being far too careless with the clues to her identity laying around her house. She’s lucky Frank only found her gun. But then he found out everything else without too much trouble. Sure, he’s a security expert and not your average snoop, but he managed to unravel Emily’s whole story in the space of a day. It’s just lucky for her that the real Emily’s kind of a crazy bitch.
And finally, with each passing week, Victoria’s participation in the David Clarke frameup looks more reluctant and she seems more tortured by it. We think that’s one of the most brilliant things about this show; it gleefully rolls around in juicy, some might even say hackneyed, standard soap opera tropes, but manages to paint most of its main characters – Victoria especially – with some nuance and shading to them. Sure, the fun of a character like Victoria is watching her vow to DESTROY someone, but it’s made more interesting by the fact that Madeline Stowe can actually act and she’s being given some fairly decent material to work with.
[Photo Credit: ABC]