Darlings, in case you missed the previous four entries, you’ve got some superheroine-goddesses and spinal injury “before” pictures to get through, not to mention a whole slew of questionably fashionable folk costumes. And as always, time must be spent each year acknowledging the many, many bird-women and flower-women who populate the Miss Universe stage. But now comes the time when we must all cast our eyes to those mega-basics who eschewed any sense of adventure in their costumes, not to mention any references to their countries, and instead came out modeling pretty dresses or Vegas showgirl costumes. These looks don’t inspire over-the-top caption-making. In fact, we’d go so far as to say many of them were chosen precisely because the wearer/country did not want to become the butt of a joke, thereby misunderstanding the whole point of the endeavor. So we won’t be inserting funny words into their mouths in the normal manner of these things. Instead, we’re going to be total bitches about it and rate their so-called pretty dresses and sexy costumes.
Hit it, unadventurous pretty girls. And just remember, you could have avoided this if you’d just put on some antlers or dressed like a bowl of food.
Drag Melania Trump. The flower placement is jejeune and the earrings border on vulgar. And your contour game needs work.
Miss Slovak Republic
If you told us this was the Ancient Holy Skirt of your people and that it had been patched many times over the centuries after having survived several church fires and enemy bombardments, we might have accepted this shoddy work. Also, you’re wearing a wedding table centerpiece on your head.
We’ll begrudgingly admit that this is kind of fabulous, but we’re annoyed about the racist memes and troll farms, so you get no points. Put your skirt down.
Flat hair and a suit-blazer bodice do not say beauty pageant, sweetie.
The dollar Christmas ornament bin at Target. You heard us.
It is a sad, sorry showgirl who wears nude-illusion full-length PANTS. If you’re gonna do the showgirl bit, commit or go home. Also, your shoes don’t match at ALL.
Okay, fine. You’re fucking fabulous. WERQ.
Prom dress. If this was the final scene of a teen rom-com from 1986 or so, you would be totally on point and in style. But it’s not and sadly, neither are you.
Miss Cayman Islands
Credit given for working such a massive skirt and lightly applying some sort of island or underwater theme (it’s a bit hard to tell), but this is mostly looking like a knockoff Disney Princess.
We salute your commitment as well as your deltoid and trapezius strength, but if you have to walk around like Jesus on the cross just so your outfit makes sense, maybe it needs something else to distinguish it. Aside from the twig crown, that is.
You, on the other hand, can put your arms down, dear. It’s not making your look more interesting, nor is it distracting from the way the headpiece makes it look like your head is farting.
FINE. YES. FABULOUS. WERQ.
Hmph. This was supposed to be a post full of anger, but some of you ladies really did manage to make your pretty dresses look spectacular.
Miss Saint Lucia
Miss Santa Lucia cries softly before running offstage, cursing the asshole designer who misunderstood her when she told him, “I love period costume design.”