The Top Twenty WORST Red Carpet Looks of 2017: Part FOUR, aka THE TOP FIVE

Posted on December 29, 2017

And now, the Crap de le Crap, darlings. The very worst of the worst, as decided upon by a prestigious international judging committee known as us. If at any time during the following post, you start to feel nauseous, dizzy, or like life has suddenly lost all meaning for you, take a moment to focus on the horizon or breathe into a paper bag while reminding yourself that nothing ultimately matters because in 75 years all of these people will be dead.

That came out wrong. Anyway, enjoy, kittens!


5: Zendaya Coleman in Vivetta at the Fashion Awards. 

Horse boobs. Do we need to say more?

We might have found it upsetting that Miss Z, long considered by us to be among the more fabulous of the rising-stars set, has found herself on our worst list TWICE in one year, but we comfort ourselves with the knowledge that she also appears twice on the best list. As we said earlier, she’s a risk-taker. When the risks pay off, she aces the red carpet like no other. When they don’t, she crashes hard. Horse boobs.



4: Mandy Moore in Diane Von Furstenberg at the Alliance for Children’s Rights 25th Anniversary Gala.

Miss Mandy, on the other hand, found herself on this list twice, not because she’s some sort of bold risk-taker whose risks failed to pay off, but because she has terrible taste in clothing and when it came time to do a year-end assessment we found we couldn’t restrict ourselves to just one bad look. She just found so many interesting ways to be awful this year – like this easter-basket-colored horror show of a frock. It’s totally different from that scary makeup/leopard print look that landed her on the worst list in the first place. Gotta hand it to her: she’s not boring in her awfulness.



 3: Michelle Williams in Louis Vuitton at the Louis Vuitton Masters Dinner for Jeff Koons at the Louvre.

2017 was the year in which we were forced to watch stylish celebrity women get attacked over and over again by Louis Vuitton. Among the most-attacked ladies was Miss Michelle, who has a longstanding (and no doubt lucrative) relationship with the brand. That relationship turned sour this year and we’ve spent most of it waiting for girlfriend here to wake the fuck up and get out of Dodge. It’s hard to say which of Michelle’s LV ensembles was the absolute worst, so we basically just picked the one we found most nauseating. Nothing like a frock that obscures your shape and gives you the illusion of a skin disease, right? Hope the check was massive, girl.

And on that note:


2: Jennifer Connelly in Louis Vuitton at An Evening Honoring Louis Vuitton and Nicolas Ghesquière in New York.

Please refer to the previous paragraph, switching out all references to “Michelle” for “Jennifer.”

This dress is a hate crime. Was it the worst thing seen on the red carpet in 2017? Unfortunately, no!

Brace yourselves!

The very worst of the worst of red carpetry in this shitshow of a year was …



1: Mel B. in a Rocky Gathercole sheer jumpsuit at the “America’s Got Talent” Season 12 Post-Party.

BEHOLD THE PEACOCK CROTCH. It is a metaphor for our times. Probably. We don’t know. We’re kinda done with the analysis after subjecting ourselves to all this terribleness. Our eyes hurt and our brains are sad. Talk about this glittery monstrosity of tackiness and attention-seeking amongst yourselves. Contrarians who start off “Well actually…”ing this will be laughed at, however.




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