Miss Universe National Costumes 2017 Part Three: Oddballs and Headscratchers

Posted on November 28, 2017

Darlings, for PART ONE of our little bitchfest, we looked at those international gals with impressive core strength. For PART TWO, we ran down the ladies who couldn’t face an international audience without a prop in her hands. And now, for part THREE (of our FIVE-part series, by the way), we’re taking a good, long look-see at those weirdos who stepped out in half-assed concepts or stuff simply too incomprehensible for the audience to grasp.

Oddballs, take it away.

 

Miss USA

“GOD BLESS AMERICA! WHERE WE PUT SCIENCE FIRST!

And irony last, God save my soul.”

Miss Laos

“Most people don’t know this, but Laos provides 93.4% of the world’s decorative pillar candle wall sconces. Seriously. Thank us the next time you’re in Pottery Barn.”

 

 

Miss Kazakhstan

“HAHAHAHAHA! I JUST WANT TO GET MARRIED! TOOT! TOOT!”

 

 

Miss Ukraine

“UKRAINE! Land of hideous wallpaper!”

 

 

Miss Zambia

“It’s not coral, you morons. Zambia is land-locked. Don’t you fools know COPPER ORE when you see it?

Pfft.

Look at my shoulder birds! Pretty rad, right? We ran out of money for the cape.”

 

 

Miss Saint Lucia

“Money was no object for Miss Santa Lucia, for my people love me enough to donate their earnings to make sure I arrived on the national stage, full of sparkle and national pride, in the midst of being swallowed whole by a snake, which is like a fable or something. Whatever. Children donated their pennies for this.”

 

 

Miss Singapore

“Children donated their pennies for this, too! Or at least, that’s about what the budget seems to have been. Singapore is more than craft stores and bikinis, you guys; I swear. I really don’t know what this is all about, to be honest.

I’m just gonna go.”

 

 

Miss South Africa

 “South Africa’s flora is ERECT with national pride!”

 

 

Miss Namibia

“Look, don’t start with me. There’s a reason, alright?”

 

“There. Don’t you fuckers feel bad for making fun of my pointy head? Fucking rhinos, man!”

 

 

Miss Norway

“This helmet would be a lot more intimidating if I wasn’t wearing hotpants, bridal shoes, and a flimsy piece of fabric for a cape.

Norway, I have shamed you. I will atone. This I vow before you.”

 

 

Miss Iraq

“MISS IRAQ SHAMES NO ONE FOR SHE IS A QUEEN! A QUEEN FROM OUTER SPAAAAAAACCCE!!!

Pew! Pew!”

 

 

Miss Ireland

“Ireland! Land of the fairy folk!

Who I’m pretty sure don’t wear OPEN-TOED thigh-highs! Come ON, you guys. What the hell? Why do I have bird wings on my tits and batwings on my back? Did anyone think this one through?”

 

 

Miss Ghana

“Please do not make any sudden movements. I am removing the bee hive from my head.”

 

 

Miss Great Britain

“Oi! Virgin Queen over here, bitches!”

 

 

Miss Curacao

“Come and eat your bride out in Curacao! We’re delicious here! Like CAKE!”

 

 

Miss Dominican Republic

“The Dominican Republic has no fucks left to give, world! LALALALALALALALALA”

 

 

Miss Australia

“I’m not screaming on the inside, world! Absolutely not! Australians are MIGHTY. We can handle the ugliest fucking skirt ever made. With PRIDE, in fact! AUSTRALIA! We don’t give a FUCK what you think of our ugly banana-erection skirts!”

*stomps off*

 

Miss Austria

“Miss Austria smells children, yes she does. Wicked, nasty little things!”

 

 

[Photo Credit: Patrick Prather/Miss Universe, Frank L Szelwach/Miss Universe]

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