Miss Universe National Costumes 2017 Part 5: TOTAL THIRST TRAPS

Darlings, as we wrap up this year’s coverage of the world’s premiere ladydrag revue, we’re left with a bunch of stragglers to ponder. They didn’t produce impressively huge displays blooming off their backs, nor did they interact with props. They weren’t completely off the rails in their concepts nor were they particularly lazy in their execution of same. The ladies we’re left with, as we’ve run through all the themes and motifs of this year’s parade, are the ones that came off just a little thirsty in their attempts.

We realize that many of the distinctions we make with these posts are arbitrary as hell. It certainly would seem ridiculous on the face of it to single any of these gals out for being tryhards, since trying way too hard is largely the entire point of the Miss Universe National Costume parade (if not the entire point of the Miss Universe pageant as a whole). But we don’t know… there was just something a little annoyingly … extra about the following ladies. In a setting in which toning it down is for losers, these entries could’ve used a little bit less …. eagerness. Why? We can’t always say. Maybe it’s simply because these are the ones left over after all the other more outrageous or notably awful attempts have left the stage. Maybe it’s because their concepts are unimaginative while at the same time try to fool us into thinking they’re not. We don’t know, you guys. Thirst is just some ineffable … thing that one knows when one sees it.

Come, on a journey with us. A journey of questions, as we try to answer the query posed by philosophers and great thinkers since humankind invented waste disposal methods that allowed for the reduced spread of disease and gave people time to sit down and ponder shit (pun intended):

What is thirst?

Miss Malta

Is it sadly tacky stripper boots on utility carpeting and a plume of feathers gently stroking the fire-resistant ceiling tiles so tantalizingly close?

Miss Aruba

Is it a showgirl costume crossed with light religious undertones and topped off with a massive drag queen of a flag literally hanging off her ass?

Miss Puerto Rico

Maybe it’s the over-use of craft-store flowers paired with patriotism that seems so thirsty.

Miss Jamaica

Or maybe it’s the unimaginative showgirl looks that have us “Sure, Jan”-ing in response.

Miss US Virgin Islands

Sure, Jan.

Miss Barbados

Or worse, the showgirl costumes that look well suited to casinos near airports.

Miss Colombia

Girlfriend’s so thirsty she brought her own pitcher.

Miss Russia

Granted, nothing says thirsty in a beauty pageant than over-the-top princess gowns. It’s worse when she can’t even manage something pretty in a tacky sort of Disney way. Back-of-the-toilet home-made dolls are the very thirstiest of princess looks, we think.

Miss Italy

But an inadvertent “ugly stepsister” take smacks of some thirst too.

Miss British Virgin Islands

Is it thirsty when you look like a tradeshow model for a cruise line?

Miss China

Or when you do the fan-panty dance?

Miss Indonesia

Or the fauxness of your faux fur is just a bit too faux to take seriously?

Miss Japan

Or you come as a drag race geisha?

Miss Nepal

Or you wear a big coin on your head?

The answer is yes. These are thirsty things to do. Other instances of parchedness?

Miss Nigeria

You pair a children’s party hat with a sequined gown that makes you look like you have a skin disease.

Miss Uruguay

You just go way the hell overboard on everything about your dress.

Miss Haiti

You put a basket of grapes on your head – and it’s the only interesting thing about your look.

Thus does our discussion of thirst conclude. We hope we’ve helped you come to some answers and perhaps even a sense of closure. Namaste.

[Photo Credit: Patrick Prather/Miss Universe, Frank L Szelwach/Miss Universe]

• Costumes
• Miss Universe
• Miss Universe 2017