Tom Cruise, Sofia Boutella and Russell Crowe at “The Mummy” Australian Premiere

Posted on May 23, 2017


Believe it or not, there are other things going on in the world of celebrity red carpetry aside from the Cannes Film Festival, darlings. Things like Mr. Cruise’s attempt to cash in on that shared-universe goodness with an attempt to turn movie monsters into Marvel heroes. Or something. It’s pretty goofy.

Anyway, let’s take a break from all that foofaraw on the Riviera with some good old-fashioned American (but in Australia, with Australians and Algerians) poledancing. And accompanying judging, of course.

 

Tom Cruise in Ermenegildo Zegna

We remember a time when Tom made every effort to appear like someone who doesn’t need to care about how he looks. We’re pretty sure he’s the guy who caused us to coin the phrase we’ve used a thousand times since to describe male stars on the red carpet trying desperately to look anything like a man who wears makeup on the regular: “Stopping by on the way to Home Depot.” We don’t know if his new spiffiness reflects age, the changing times (red carpets are now mandatory), or the changing status of his box office returns, but he clearly feels the need to put the effort in now.

The suit’s fine, but he doesn’t have a long torso, so a 3-piece is not his best choice. The shoes, as usual, are cartoonishly large with the lifts in them. The hair’s just a little too precious and the face looks very fresh. We don’t say that to be bitches. We think he should give his facialist a nice bonus is all.

 

 

Sofia Boutella in Prabal Gurung

You know what?

WE CAN’T.

 

 

Russell Crowe

It’s nice that they’re just picking random dads there at the theater with their kids for a moment of glory on the red carpet. We hope they gave him a souvenir photo to take him to the wife and the guys at the bar.

 

 

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

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