Met Gala 2017 Red Carpet Rundown Part ONE

Posted on May 04, 2017

Alright, you bitchy little darlings. We’ve taken you with us on a 72-hour journey of high-fashion, celebrity attention-seeking, and the unasked-for opinions that come with both. It is time to put Met Gala 2017, which will probably go down as the dullest one in a decade, to bed. Most of the people left in our rundowns wore things that were not terrible enough to get a funny rant and/or not interesting enough to get more than twenty words of dissection. Many, if not most of the celebrity attendees are there on the invitation of a designer. Note how certain names keep popping up, many of whom are great at red carpet looks, but didn’t exactly make their names providing avant garde or even outrageously over the top designs.



Ashley Graham in H&M

We propose that this be the new illustration for the definition of “extra” in the next edition of Merriam-Webster.

We don’t hate it, though. It’s lady drag.



Bee Shaffer in Alexander McQueen

A design only made interesting by the use of beautiful textiles.



Elizabeth Banks in Michael Kors

We adore you, MK, but we did have to smile a little at your attempts to be edgy. Not your wheelhouse at all, but kudos for the effort. While this design is far too underplayed for the Met Gala, it was probably the better of the two Kors efforts seen on the red carpet.



Hailee Steinfeld in Vera Wang

Cindy Lou Who on stilts.



Jemima Kirke in Chanel

Girl, that YouTube eye makeup won’t make your Chanel look edgy. Not a bad look otherwise – for another setting.



Julianne Moore in Calvin Klein Collection

It’s cute and made us smile. Not really up to the occasion, but about as good as you can expect from a Calvin Klein Met Gala look. Should’ve been a gown, though.

Please note: She is out of her usual clunky, ugly, ill-suiting black shoes. Now she’s in awkward, ill-suiting white sandals. Face it: Lady doesn’t know shoes.



Kerry Washington in Michael Kors

BAM. There’s the other MK attempt. We don’t hate it, but it truly does feel like a designer working outside his comfort zone. The textiles are interesting, but once again the silhouette is far too basic for the event. And the cutouts don’t enhance it. I’m sorry my dear, but you are up for elimination.



Maggie Gyllenhaal in Marni

Love the color, pattern and texture, but the proportions are a no.



Mary J. Blige in La Perla

She looks amazing, but this is a Grammys dress.



Nick Jonas in Ralph Lauren

As we’ve said before, in terms of securing avant garde menswear from the mainstream designers who invited them, the options for the men were much more limited than a good deal of the women. Anyone invited by Ralph Lauren is going to have to be judged on a curve. Nicky Tryhard did good here. One of our favorite non-traditional tuxes in a long time.



Paris Jackson in Calvin Klein Collection

Big nothing.

(multi-use statement)


Reese Witherspoon in Mugler

We thought this was an admirable attempt by Miss Reese to meet the Met Gala halfway. There’s no way the Queen of the Country Club Set was ever going to show up in some outrageous Rei Kawakubo creation, but this little bump (literally) of edginess is almost charming. Reese Witherspoon is trying to be avant garde, you guys. Give it up.



Rita Ora in Marchesa

Enh. It’s alright. It’s bold but in a naive way, if that makes any sense.



Riz Ahmed in Dior Homme

This man.

Dull look, though.


Serena Williams in Atelier Versace

This is pretty fabulous. Overdone in a not particularly chic way, but the color looks great on her.



Sophie Turner in Louis Vuitton

To us, this is the definition of an unresolved design. The straps, bust, and skirt have almost nothing to do with each other. Just random elements on a dress form. The head is pretty killer, though.



[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

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