Gather ’round, children! Gather ’round! Form a circle and hold hands. Why? Because it’s the most wonderful – and most bitchy – time of the year, of course! The time has once again come for us all to come together, in a show of worldwide unity, and make fun of the insanely tacky showgirl costumes of that lady drag show known as the Miss Universe pageant! Exclamation points!!!!
Now, there’s a lot of ground to cover. We’ve found over the years that the best, most efficient way to render bitchy judgment on the maximum amount of plumage is to break the various costumes down into categories. You’d be surprised at how rigidly some of these categories are adhered to. One of the more persistent and popular types of Miss Universe pageant costumes is the one that makes the wearer look like she’s about to declare war on the audience in a fit of national pride.
Hit it, ladies.
“BREXIT, BITCHES! It’s a new dawn for the Empire! Fear my glittery shield!”
“Iceland’s flag stands proud! Iceland’s flag stands bold!
Iceland’s flag is attacking me! SOMEONE HELP ME!”
“How tragic for Iceland. Such an inferior flag. The flag of the Netherlands stands proud and erect.
And I am KILLING it in my glittery blue leggings, unlike tragic Iceland with her stripper shoes.”
Wow. Was this ever badly timed.”
“Fuck you. This is all you’re getting out of us this year. Mexico’s not in the mood.”
“PEOPLE OF EARTH. THE GOLDEN WARRIOR SHRIKES OF INDONESIA CLAIM PROTECTION OVER THIS WORLD.”
“The Wicker Army of Vietnam will have a thing or two to say about that! Am I right, girls?”
“Yes, I am waving Kenya’s little flag and ready to fire the darts from my Tiara of Death if the good people of Kenya are threatened. Fine. Whatever. But I’m really all about my dress right now.”
“Italy is all about its culture and its history, so eat my Renaissance, you fu–”
“YOU SKANKS WANT SOME CULTURE? PUERTO RICO SAYS ‘BRING IT!'”
“Come to SWEDEN, where everything is TOTALLY RANDOM!
“CANADA RISING, losers! YEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
Our guy’s hot AF and it’s one big party here! Also: cold.”
“My sisters, your anger and pridefulness do you no credit. As Empress of the Mushroom Kingdom of Sierra Leone, my will is supreme and you would do well to remember that.”
“Bitch, you’ve got a feather on a stick.”
[Photo Credit: Alex Mertz, Anthony Yu, Tom Starkweather/Miss Universe Organization]