Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2016 Part 1: Dark Ladies and Folksy Gals

Posted on December 02, 2016

Darlings, it is once again the MOST wonderful time of the year! When women come from all over the globe to put really weird shit over their bras and panties in lieu of actual clothing and strut down a catwalk that’s closer to a ticker tape parade than anything resembling a fashion show! Yes, it’s time to completely rip on the Victoria’s Secret “Fashion” Show, kittes!

There were many themes and motifs that played out through the show, all of them fairly odd when juxtaposed with underwear modeling. First among them:

 

THE DARK LADIES
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This dark lady is haunted both by the swirling ectoplasm that trails behind her as well as the painfully tiny panties her terror has forced her into.

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This witch is trailed by a noxious cloud of doom, which tends to counter her hotness when she wants to get laid.

 

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This shadow lady is protected at all times by a fearsome creature of wings and smoke born in the depths of hell. Also: she has lace nipples.

 

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“BATS, bitches. Check out my fucking BATS.”

 

 

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“SATAN FUCKING ROCKS AND YOU KNOW IT, ASSHOLES!”

 

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This cunning sorceress of the night summons her dead relatives to act as backup dancers.

 

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“Let the spider creatures bond with you. All is serene when you become as one with the Spider God. You can’t even feel it. After a while.”

 

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Seconds later, she took flight and started picking off audience members. Male audience members.

 

 

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Not so much a witch as a subway perv.

 

 

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The spirits of her long-gone clothing haunt her to this day, but she is firm in her resolve to ignore their woeful pleas and go forth, pantsless and topless, into the light.

 

 

One of the biggest collections of looks tended to come off like ethnic and national folk costumes, except with most of the costume part relegated to underwear and most of the national and ethnic parts strip-mined and run through a blender. Say hello to …

THE FOLKSY GALS

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“High on a hill was a lonely goatherd, lay-ee-odl–OH MY DRESS!”

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Starring in an all-underwear Frida Kahlo biopic. We smell Oscar.

Just don’t ask us who Oscar is.

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We’re afraid to guess.

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It’s like Ten Thousand Villages launched an underwear line.


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Because isn’t this what we all think of when we think “Chinese dragon?” A blonde white girl in her underwear?

 

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And Chinese opera, that stuff’s all about getting undressed, right?

 

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Tyrolean Tits.

Come on, you’ve got to give us that one.

 

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Leder-Ho.

Okay, okay. We’ll stop.

 

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Heidi, Pheasant Queen of the Swiss Alps.

 

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Dolora, the Saint who Farted Flowers.

 

 

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what is this even

 

 

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Worst matador ever.

 

Part 2, coming up soon!

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

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