This is IT, darlings! The hiddy di tutti hiddy of all 2016! Brace yourselves for a PARADE OF UGLY!
You should probably sit down for this. And maybe take a moment to focus on a spot on the horizon and center yourself. Just tell yourself over and over again “There is beauty in the world. There is beauty in the world. There is beauty in the world.”
It’s just not going to be found here, is all.
Generally speaking, as we move further up the list, we try to reserve the top spots for the real A-listers, because their high-end couture delusions tend to fail so spectacularly. So if we’re being total bitches… CONGRATULATIONS, TORI! Your frock is such a godawful sin against nature and good taste that it actually landed you a spot at the Kool Kidz table! Rad! To the max!
Also, your dress is probably on backwards. Not that there’s an adjustment in the world that would make this schmatta pretty, and not that we can blame you for being confused about which way this hideosity is supposed to be oriented, but we figured you’d want to know,
Jesus Christ, girl.
2016 was the year we introduced the idea of active vs. passive fashion brand verbs in our red carpet coverage. That is to say, if someone really aced a Prada dress, we could say “Girlfriend PRADA’D IT UP!” in that enthusiastic and excitable manner of ours that is in turns annoying or charming depending upon your mood.
Then there’s the passive version. And we think we speak for all humanity when we take Selma gently by the shoulders, look deeply in to her eyes, and say with as much concern as we can muster, “Miss Thing, you got STELLA’d. HARD.”
2016 was also the year in which certain design houses, like Louis Vuitton, Gucci, and Erdem, went completely batshit insane. It amazes us that anyone thought this was pretty before sending it out the door. It amazes us even further that anyone could be convinced to put this on and wear it in front of photographers. She looks like she’s going to the Dustbowl Prom in 1933.
But we really must congratulate her for slipping into the Top 5 with only days left in the year. She really saved this one up for the right moment. Check the look of triumph on her face. Oh, wait. That’s clearly deep shame.
Because if Givenchy decides to make your gown for the most important red carpet event of the year and you opt for a style brief that can only be summed up as “greasy pustules,” you deserve to be publicly shamed. That is easily the ugliest dress we’ve seen all year and probably one of the ugliest dresses we’ve ever seen. We can’t honestly recall any garment that actively made us nauseous the longer we look at it.
“How,” you may ask, “does the ugliest dress of the year only rate the Number Two spot on the list?” It’s quite simple darlings. The ugliest red carpet look of the year …
Was not a dress at all. Although the world would’ve been much better off if it had been.
Miss Hailee, you had yourself one shitastic style year, but this is the piece de resistance of hideousness. What’s “great” about this look is that it combines so many awful red carpet trends: the overuse of black lace, the “I just survived an attack” aesthetic, and of course, the proliferation of Barbie Crotch. It’s a trifecta of ugly and no one in 2016 managed to top it, as far as we’re concerned. Congrats, girl.
Now put that away.
[Photo Credit: Getty Images]
Good Behavior: It Still Fits, Bitch Next Post:
Pop Style Opinionfest: Project Runway Season 15 Finale Recap