2016 Rio Olympic Parade of Nations: The Best

Believe us, when it comes to talking about the “style” (scare quotes intentional) of most Olympic team dress uniforms, it’s a weak conversation at best. Most of the 200-plus countries chose to dress their athletes, the finest and most powerful physical specimens each of their lands could produce, in something of a cross between a real estate agent and a flight attendant’s uniform. On the one hand, you could argue that the Olympics aren’t a fashion event. And we would totally agree. But it is an opportunity for each country to make a statement about itself and for each team to highlight – not in a weird or sexy way – the athleticism of the bodies on display. Putting 75% of the competitors in blazers and khakis – or worse, suits and ties – is a disappointing way to celebrate them.

For our purposes, in order to get a handle on the vast sea of mediocrity, we decided to break things up into a series of posts. And since our mamas taught us that the best way to start a conversation is to get the sweet stuff out of the way first (before you get into the down-and-dirty backhanded complimenting if not open criticism – thanks, moms!), we figured we’d open with what we would consider among the best of the night.

And no one won the night more handily than:

Tonga

BAM. Now THAT’S how you make an entrance, dammit. The NBC team was struck dumb for a moment and for that reason alone, Tonga deserves the highest honors. Anyone that can shut that collection of bozos up for half a minute deserves a medal. And as much oral sex as he would like.

We’re just saying, is all.

But this also allows us to make a point about the rest of our choices, most of which are fairly standard. One of the upcoming categories we’ll be discussing is folk or ethnic costumes among the teams. We could have easily dumped most of those into this list simply because they were among the brightest and most fabulous looks of the night. But despite Tonga’s seismic effect on social media and ability to silence Matt Lauer, we’re going to focus mostly on the more stylish and fashionable looks of the night, rare though they might have been.

In alphabetical order:

Australia

Jesus Christ. Australian men, you guys.

As we noted, there were a lot of blazers and hotel-uniform types of looks on the stadium floor that night. We didn’t love that look, for the most part, but a couple of teams managed to find stylish and notable variations. Australia’s green and white striped team jackets stuck out as wearable and eye-catching.

Brazil

Brazil also stepped out looking like employees at a resort. And unfortunately, they sported one of the most ubiquitous items of the night – a blue blazer, which is a mark against them. But the tropical print was fun and their exuberance tended to sell it. Sure, they looked like resort employees, but it was a resort we wanted to go to.

Canada

There was something vaguely appealing about the modernity of this look from the Canadians; an attempt to marry the business-like respectability that so many teams felt was necessary to a more utilitarian and practical athletic sensibility.

But the best part was the walking-away part:

It’s a fabulous logo.

China

One way to make the standard blazer look stand out is to render it in super-bright colors and let the sheer number of team-members overwhelm the senses. The addition of the brightly colored ties and scarves was a bit of unexpected fun. Yes, they look like flight attendants, but they look like they work for a super-fun and trendy airline.

Croatia

Because everyone remembered them the next day, even if they didn’t remember the country. “Who was that team that looked like the Ralston Purina logo?”

But seriously, print and pattern was in short supply on that floor, so it was nice to see something so memorable. Which brings up a point that occurred to us, looking over all of the teams: some of the better looks of the night just went ahead and duplicated elements from their own flags.

Iran

Iran’s a prime example of this. They’re all basically dressed up in their flag – and it looks pretty fabulous.

Jamaica

China wasn’t the only team that overwhelmed the senses with the brightest colors our retinas could handle. Jamaica was the best among these for having a sporty-chic look to go along with the bright colors.

Portugal

Despite the fact that they look like overgrown prep school kids, we counted Portugal among the best looks of the night simply for having a sporty, stylish, real-world component to it. Yes, there could have been better ways to highlight their culture and athleticism. On the other hand, they all looked incredibly do-able.

Spain

Spain! Country with the HAPPIEST concierges in the world!

As much as we bemoan the suit-and-tie component of many of the uniforms, it’s hard to deny that this is just a straight-up cute outfit. Love the braided belts.

Spain managed to encompass three of the more ubiquitous trends of the night in their uniforms, but instead of making them look repetitive and unimaginative (like so many of the trend-followers did), they managed to make theirs look fun and stylish.

What were those trends, you ask? Well, you’ll have to wait for the next couple of posts on the subject.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Olympic Games 2016