Lady Mary: Darling.
Lady Mary: Yes, Darling?
Henry: I adore you.
Lady Mary: We have so much in common, darling. I adore me too.
Molesley: Yes. Exams.
Mrs. Patmore: Your exams!
Mrs. Hughes: Exams?
Baxter: Oh, Mr. Molesley. When you say “exams,” I go all cow-eyed.
Mr. Carson: Hmmph. Exams.
Thomas: I wish someone would say “exams” to me.
Mr. Carson: Everyone wishes you were dead, Thomas.
Tom: Henry really likes you…
Lady Mary: Yes, I expect he does.
Tom: Are you going to … you know… do it with him?
Lady Mary: What an impertinent question. If you weren’t the widower of Sybil Crawley, the kindest, most wonderful woman England has ever known, I would have you beheaded for your cheek.
Tom: He’s sooooo cute, though!
Lady Mary: He is that.
Mrs. Patmore: Oh, bother. What with running a sex-motel and worrying about Daisy’s exams, I forgot the lemonade.
Thomas: Here you are, Mrs. Patmore. I … uh… didn’t follow you here or anything because I’m desperate for some form of human connection.
Daisy: I have so many more exams!
Mrs. Patmore: We’re done talking about that, dear.
Daisy: Read something to us, Andy!
Oh, right. I can’t read.
The Dowager Countess: I shall be taking my leave soon.
The Dowager Countess: My dear, the days when an aristocrat could say anything she wanted to anyone she wanted and never suffer the consequences are coming to their end, I fear. Something-something “change.”
Isobel: You shot your mouth off one too many times and now you have to flee the country because everyone hates you.
The Dowager Countess: Quite so. But before I leave, I shall unleash my aristocratic mouth on that dreadful Miss Cruikshank for you.
Isobel: You’re a dear.
Thomas: I’ve been trying to teach Andy, because I’m desperate to have some sort of friend in this world, but you all thought I was raping him.
Mrs. Patmore: Ha! We did at that! Remember, Daisy? When we thought Thomas was buggering Andy?
Andy: You what?
Magical Teacher: Right. Enough of that, then. I’m a real teacher. I’ll fix him.
Mrs. Patmore: You’ve delivered the lemonade, Thomas. Run along.
Thomas: I miss O’Brien so much.
Magical Teacher: Are you … crying?
Thomas: No. Shut up. *runs away*
Mrs. Patmore: Silly bugger.
Lady Mary: Henry Talbot wants me to watch him race, but I’m uneasy about race car driving for reasons I can’t quite articulate …
Robert: We should all go watch your boyfriend race his car! The whole family! Cora, can we? I promise I won’t spew blood on anyone.
Tom: I’d watch Henry do just about anything…
Cora: I’ll order the servants to cater the whole thing. Gosh, what a lot of work that will be. Sigh. I’ll probably have to make a list or something.
Edith: Can Bertie come?
Lady Mary: What on earth is a “bertie?” Sounds dreadful.
Miss Cruikshank: Lady Grantham! What an unexpected pleas–
The Dowager Countess: You’re a scheming whore. Now, I simply must dash. I’ve a boat to catch.
Miss Cruikshank: But —
The Dowager Countess: Ut! Not another word, whore. My mouth is a weapon.
Edith: Here is my new friend from London! She’s a lady editor that I HIRED. For MY MAGAZINE. Which is a THING THAT I DO WHEN I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM YOU ALL.
Lady Editor: Hello, all! Such a pleasure to finally meet my boss lady’s family!
Edith: Please be nice to her, everyone. I’m begging you.
The Entire Crawley Family: *withering indifference*
Edith: You bitches.
Tom: Hi! I’m working class too! But I’ve learned to love money!
Lady Editor: It’s all so new and fascinating to me! Would you … walk me through it?
Tom: Sure, but first I want to wish Henry luck. Have you seen him? Have you seen his pretty face?
Henry: I say, Charles! Once more ’round the track, yes? Sing with me: O you Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, pretty Chitty Bang Bang, we lo-
Henry: Blast. I totally never saw that coming.
Tom: OHMIGOD IS HENRY ALL RIGHT PLEASE TELL ME HIS BEAUTIFUL FACE IS INTACT
The Entire Crawley Family: Remember that time Mary’s husband died in a car crash? I can’t stop thinking of that right now for some reason! What was his name again?
Magical Teacher: Mr. Molesley, you are, without a doubt, the smartest man in all of England, if not the world.
Molesley: What? *drops a tray*
Baxter: WOW! I am SO HOT for you right now!
Molesley: What? *knocks over a vase*
Daisy: Are you going to leave service now? And then overthrow the class system? That’s what I would do.
Molesley: What? *accidentally starts small fire*
Mrs. Hughes: Charlie, GET IN THAT GODDAMN KITCHEN AND FIX ME A GODDAMN SANDWICH.
Bertie: I say, all this flaming death has made me realize how very much I love you. Would you marry me, Edith?
Edith: WHAT?! FOR REAL?! YES! YES! DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN YES!
Bertie: Darling, you’ve made me so hap–
Edith: And right when Mary’s breaking up with her loser car mechanic! Thank you, Jesus! Oh, but there’s one condition…
Bertie: Anything, darling.
Edith: You must allow me to raise this strange feral child that I can’t seem to let go of, for reasons that no one can figure out on their own.
Bertie: Sounds frightfully modern of you, darling. I’ve no reason to think about it another second. Bring along little Marian.
Edith: Just promise me you won’t be taking any trips to Germany soon. Those bastard sausage-eaters wounded my first fiance and killed my boyfriend. I think they have it out for me.
Henry: Darling, my best friend has died horribly in front of my eyes and I’m questioning everything about my life. Everything but you, dearest Mary. Thank God for y–
Lady Mary: I think it best if we stop seeing each other.
Henry: Damn. That’s cold.
Tom: I agree, Henry. She doesn’t deserve you. Can I watch you race again?
Isobel: I’ve a letter from Lady Grantham.
Robert: “Dearest Robert, I’m leaving. It has nothing to do with your scheming wife. The fact that I bought you a bitch as a parting gift is merely a coincidence.”
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[Photo Credit: Nick Briggs/Carnival Film & Television Limited 2015]