Downton Abbey: Party Crashers

Posted on February 15, 2016



Henry: Darling.

Lady Mary: Darling.

Henry: Darling…

Lady Mary: Yes, Darling?

Henry: I adore you.

Lady Mary: We have so much in common, darling. I adore me too.


Daisy: Exams!

Molesley: Yes. Exams.

Mrs. Patmore: Your exams!

Mrs. Hughes: Exams?

Baxter: Oh, Mr. Molesley. When you say “exams,” I go all cow-eyed.

Mr. Carson: Hmmph. Exams.

Thomas: I wish someone would say “exams” to me.

Mr. Carson: Everyone wishes you were dead, Thomas.


Tom: Henry really likes you…

Lady Mary: Yes, I expect he does.

Tom: Are you going to … you know… do it with him?

Lady Mary: What an impertinent question. If you weren’t the widower of Sybil Crawley, the kindest, most wonderful woman England has ever known, I would have you beheaded for your cheek.

Tom: He’s sooooo cute, though!

Lady Mary: He is that.


Mrs. Patmore: Oh, bother. What with running a sex-motel and worrying about Daisy’s exams, I forgot the lemonade.

Thomas: Here you are, Mrs. Patmore. I … uh… didn’t follow you here or anything because I’m desperate for some form of human connection.

Daisy: I have so many more exams!

Mrs. Patmore: We’re done talking about that, dear.

Daisy: Read something to us, Andy!

Andy: Okay!

Oh, right. I can’t read.



The Dowager Countess: I shall be taking my leave soon.

Isobel: Oh?

The Dowager Countess: My dear, the days when an aristocrat could say anything she wanted to anyone she wanted and never suffer the consequences are coming to their end, I fear. Something-something “change.”

Isobel: You shot your mouth off one too many times and now you have to flee the country because everyone hates you.

The Dowager Countess: Quite so. But before I leave, I shall unleash my aristocratic mouth on that dreadful Miss Cruikshank for you.

Isobel: You’re a dear.


Thomas: I’ve been trying to teach Andy, because I’m desperate to have some sort of friend in this world, but you all thought I was raping him.

Mrs. Patmore: Ha! We did at that! Remember, Daisy? When we thought Thomas was buggering Andy?

Andy: You what?

Magical Teacher: Right. Enough of that, then. I’m a real teacher. I’ll fix him.

Mrs. Patmore: You’ve delivered the lemonade, Thomas. Run along.

Thomas: I miss O’Brien so much.

Magical Teacher: Are you … crying?

Thomas: No. Shut up. *runs away*

Mrs. Patmore: Silly bugger.


Lady Mary: Henry Talbot wants me to watch him race, but I’m uneasy about race car driving for reasons I can’t quite articulate …

Robert: We should all go watch your boyfriend race his car! The whole family! Cora, can we? I promise I won’t spew blood on anyone.

Tom: I’d watch Henry do just about anything…

Cora: I’ll order the servants to cater the whole thing. Gosh, what a lot of work that will be. Sigh. I’ll probably have to make a list or something.

Edith: Can Bertie come?

Lady Mary: What on earth is a “bertie?” Sounds dreadful.


Miss Cruikshank: Lady Grantham! What an unexpected pleas–

The Dowager Countess: You’re a scheming whore. Now, I simply must dash. I’ve a boat to catch.

Miss Cruikshank: But —

The Dowager Countess: Ut! Not another word, whore. My mouth is a weapon.


Edith: Here is my new friend from London! She’s a lady editor that I HIRED. For MY MAGAZINE. Which is a THING THAT I DO WHEN I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM YOU ALL.

Lady Editor: Hello, all! Such a pleasure to finally meet my boss lady’s family!

Edith: Please be nice to her, everyone. I’m begging you.

The Entire Crawley Family: *withering indifference*

Edith: You bitches.

Tom: Hi! I’m working class too! But I’ve learned to love money!

Lady Editor: It’s all so new and fascinating to me! Would you … walk me through it?

Tom: Sure, but first I want to wish Henry luck. Have you seen him? Have you seen his pretty face?


Henry: I say, Charles! Once more ’round the track, yes? Sing with me: O you Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, pretty Chitty Bang Bang, we lo-


Henry: Blast. I totally never saw that coming.


The Entire Crawley Family: Remember that time Mary’s husband died in a car crash? I can’t stop thinking of that right now for some reason! What was his name again?


Magical Teacher: Mr. Molesley, you are, without a doubt, the smartest man in all of England, if not the world.

Molesley: What? *drops a tray*

Baxter: WOW! I am SO HOT for you right now!

Molesley: What? *knocks over a vase*

Daisy: Are you going to leave service now? And then overthrow the class system? That’s what I would do.

Molesley: What? *accidentally starts small fire*




Bertie: I say, all this flaming death has made me realize how very much I love you. Would you marry me, Edith?


Bertie: Darling, you’ve made me so hap–

Edith: And right when Mary’s breaking up with her loser car mechanic! Thank you, Jesus! Oh, but there’s one condition…

Bertie: Anything, darling.

Edith: You must allow me to raise this strange feral child that I can’t seem to let go of, for reasons that no one can figure out on their own.

Bertie: Sounds frightfully modern of you, darling. I’ve no reason to think about it another second. Bring along little Marian.

Edith: Marigold.

Bertie: Quite.

Edith: Just promise me you won’t be taking any trips to Germany soon. Those bastard sausage-eaters wounded my first fiance and killed my boyfriend. I think they have it out for me.



Henry: Darling, my best friend has died horribly in front of my eyes and I’m questioning everything about my life. Everything but you, dearest Mary. Thank God for y–

Lady Mary: I think it best if we stop seeing each other.

Henry: Damn. That’s cold.

Tom: I agree, Henry. She doesn’t deserve you. Can I watch you race again?


Isobel: I’ve a letter from Lady Grantham.

Robert: “Dearest Robert, I’m leaving. It has nothing to do with your scheming wife. The fact that I bought you a bitch as a parting gift is merely a coincidence.”


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