Darlings, the fine folks at Campari have really outdone themselves with this year’s calendar. While they’ve always skirted up to the line of camp, they seem to have barreled right past it for this year’s entry. We give to you Decision 2016: Bitter vs. Sweet: THE CAMPAIGNENING.
Starring Kate Hudson.
January
The Bitter Candidate promises to fight for better shapewear, public drinking, and the banishment of carbs.
February
The Sweet Candidate thinks people worry too much and we should all put on our cutest outfits and have a drink.
March
The Bitter Candidate has random sex with Uber drivers.
April
The Sweet Candidate only sleeps with pilots.
May
The Bitter Candidate wants to be very clear on the issues and also very shiny in the legs.
June
The Sweet Candidate is largely considered to be an alcoholic by the voting public.
July
The Bitter Candidate wows her staffers with her presentation on how to avoid camel toe while drunk.
August
The Sweet Candidate was found passed out in an alley by one of her aides.
September
By the time the debates roll around, both candidates are pretty much drunk all the time.
October
Bitter, barely able to stand at this point, starts raffling away bottles of Campari in a bid to keep her campaign alive. And also to get away from all that fucking Campari before it kills her.
November
Sweet is too drunk to realize that a tie is actually not a good thing.
December
But Bitter and Sweet unite for the good of the country, put their hands on the sacred Book of Campari, raise their glasses for the 8th or 9th time that day, and pledge to uphold the Campari Constitution for so long as they are still able to stand. Then they fall down.
[Photo Credit: Michelangelo Di Battista/Courtesy of Campari]
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