Lucious picks up his very demure and tasteful microphone, to inform a roomful of bloggers …
(seems about right)
…that Freda is his new son or something.
Then everyone trips their motherfucking balls off as Freda calls out Hakeem in a grossly misogynistic and homophobic manner that no one but Becky has the nerve to even notice.
Meanwhile, just before he lays her out on a pool table, Laura tells Hakeem that she’s a virgin, a revelation that should surprise no one. Hakeem tells her it’s okay and gives her a bracelet.
She loves it and asks why it’s a circle that spells out “SECOCKTEA.”
Later, a room full of Pepsi executives applaud the Pepsi logo, like a bunch of mindless authoritarians at a Nazi rally.
Jamal is utterly thrilled to be considered the next spokeswhore for Pepsi and at first, we thought this was a clever and subtle way to show how much the little shit has sold out, much in the same way he’s depicted as in thrall to a father who openly mocks his other son’s masculinity, even though that same father put Jamal in a trashcan as a little boy for not being masculine enough. But then we realized that Pepsi actually is a sponsor of this show so we’re supposed to be happy for Jamal just as we’re supposed to ignore the way he excuses his father’s homophobic abuse of Hakeem.
In other words, we thought about it way more than the writers actually did.
Jamal runs straight to Mommy to help him with his Pepsi jingle. And she shows up looking spectacular once again.
While Boo Boo Kitty has her Worst Day Ever.
Girlfriend must be able to pee gallons a day, because she bought every home pregnancy test in New York City and barricaded herself into a bathroom to pee on EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
BECAUSE SHE IS TOTALLY NOT CRAZY AND EVERYONE FONDLES A KNIFE WHILE THEY PEE. IT’S NORMAL.
Cookie slaps her stripper boyfriend and gives Hakeem shit for endangering their company by taking Freda’s bait. She does not, however, stop to consider how entirely fucked up her family is.
Boo Boo Kitty runs into Rhonda while out for her daily weep. Rhonda just happens to launch into a speech about how getting impregnated by a Lyon is the greatest thing that could ever happen to any woman. Boo Boo has much to ponder.
Cookie stops by Jamal’s for some lunch meat and music. She stops for a moment to discuss the fact that she keeps having to sneak around on her sons and wonders if maybe this whole family should take a deep breath and —
Just then Lucious shows up.
After Lucious sweeps Jamal away to go and record the song he composed for the Pepsi jingle contest that’s got this whole family a little crazy, Cookie goes back to Hakeem and tries to mend fences by calling him a little bitch.
This is the exact moment when Boo Boo’s mind snaps in half.
Jamal tries to bring his warring parents together and combine both their songs like some sort of musical Reese’s cup, but the ambush turns out to be an embarrassing disaster.
Even all the studio musicians were like “Dude, seriously. This was never going to work. Your family is FUCKED UP.”
Jamal and Hakeem eat junk food, talk about their fucked-up family, but never quite seem to grasp how deeply fucked up they are. Also: they don’t gain an ounce.
The next morning, it turns out that the guy Lucious knocked out and then drugged into agreeing to a merger worth hundreds of millions, is causing a few difficulties in allowing the deal to go through now that his brain injury has healed.
Thankfully, Mimi sweeps in to save the day while wearing a gigantic suit.
Jamal does his Soul Jesus bit for Pepsi and of course the execs are won over. Like the show’s going to turn their sponsor into a villain?
That shit is cute.
Hakeem does battle with Freda and in the totally and completely unsupported opinions of these two white guys, got his ass kicked, but again, that’s not how the story was ever going to go. He wins the battle (in a scene that, we have to admit, ranks as one of the best in the show’s history) by getting the crowd on his side.
And makes a dramatic gesture to announce he’s dropping his last name, which is also half the name of the record company he just founded with his mother.
Suddenly, Vivica A. Fox shows up and tries very hard to express emotions through her very tight face.
While newly insane Boo Boo Kitty snatches herself a cheapass wig and kidnaps the virgin.
There. You’re caught up.
Moschino Pre-Fall 2015 Collection
Marco De Vincenzo Spring 2015 Collection
Balmain Fall 2015 Collection
Christian Louboutin Pump
[Photo Credit: IMAXTree – Stills: Tom and Lorenzo]