Empire: Without a Country

Posted on October 01, 2015

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In a neat reversal of last week’s office runway strut, the Empire records traitors are perp-walked out of the building, because apparently Jamal gets to be a bigger dick than ever.

What the hell is Hakeem carrying in his box? It’s not like he did any actual work in the office.


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But nothing can keep a good Cookie down, especially when there are deals to be made and killer outfits to be worn while making them.


Empire-Season-2-Episode-2-TV-Review-Tom-Lorenzo-Site (3)After cycling through several outfits and glasses of wine, Cookie settles on a place to build her own empire. Andre and Hakeem are less than impressed but Cookie reminds her two spoiled-ass brats that sometimes you’ve got to get down to the street to make good music.


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Meanwhile, Golden Boy Jamal is being interviewed by the host of Spilling the Tea, who’s all “OMG, you are like totally gay but women like still think you’re hot!”


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Cookie bursts into the scene in her Cookie way, reminds fake-ass Jamal that she set up the very interview he’s complaining she interrupted, and asks him to let Hakeem have his album back. He’s still a dick.


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Hakeem, the only Lyon brother not sulking into his Cheerios every morning, decides to have a casting session for a new girl group when some J Lo wannabe shows up.

Looks more like a Naya Rivera wannabe to us, but Hakeem is smitten.


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His casting partners are decidedly less so.

Who are these people, anyway?


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Andre interrupts the session to let everyone know he’s THISCLOSE to hulking out of his clothes, all of which have shrunk in the wash.


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Meanwhile, back in Cannibalism and Face Time Correctional Facility, CO Ludacris tells Luscious he doesn’t have time for his bullshit.


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In a similar fashion, Cookie says the same thing to Anika, who wishes her luck and walks out a business venture she probably had no reason being involved in anyway. Poor Boo Boo. No one wants her. We suspect she’s going to become a lot more dangerous because of it.


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Tiana takes a job modeling the Yeezy for Target line.


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While Rhonda pleads with Jamal to give her husband a job so she can buy her baby Pampers.


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Back at Very Lax Prison, Luscious takes part in the facility’s new “Surreptitious Music Recording Program”


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CO Ludacris reminds him there’s no such thing and taunts him through a tiny window. Thirty seconds later, CO Ludacris is a bloody pile on a garage floor and Luscious’ shady lawyer has the recorded tracks. Because when a prison guard finds you doing something illegal, they’re allowed to take your stuff home with them. It’s the “Dibs” rule of law enforcement.


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Jamal informs the rest of his business partners that he’s done waiting for his asshole brother to stop being an asshole and uploads his album for free downloading. Cookie’s impressed, Andre much less so. He bolts.


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Cookie, however, has no time for slowing down and finds a space for her new recording company, Lyon Dynasty, located at the intersection of Knot’s Landing Boulevard and Falcon Crest Avenue.


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Suddenly, Kelly Rowland appears in a hazy flashback as Luscious’ mom. Halfway through the scene she realizes she’s on Empire but wearing no makeup, jewelry or designer clothing. She fires her agent shortly after shooting this.


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Hakeem shows up at the new headquarters and Cookie says, “I may be dressed like Carol Brady, but you know damn well what I can do with a broom, so get to work.”


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Meanwhile Push-up Prosecutor is trying to something-something law courtroom, when suddenly new evidence is placed in the judges’ hands.


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White people, amirite?

The judge, in a totally realistic and accurate manner, clears Luscious to go but doesn’t show anyone the “evidence” that caused him to change his mind.

Push-Up Prosecutor does her best Gary Coleman-as-Arnold Jackson “Say WHAT?


Empire-Season-2-Episode-2-TV-Review-Tom-Lorenzo-Site (21)Aannnd scene.


[Stills: FOX/Tom and Lorenzo]

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