Empire: Poor Yorick

Posted on October 15, 2015

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Nothing made any damn sense but everyone looked fabulous. That is to say, EMPIRE, BITCHES! Let’s get to it.

 

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Jamal is recording yet another song. He’s pretty much recorded about five or six albums of material in one year, while also trying to run his father’s company, juggle a relationship, and take turns hating on various members of his family. No wonder he’s cranky all the time. He must be exhausted.

But MEANWHILE…

 

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Sneering white Federal agents are raiding the Empire offices. Maybe if Jamal wasn’t recording a new song ever 15 minutes, he might have been there to do something about it, but alas.

 

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Over at Lyon Dynasty Colby Carrington Records, Cookie is whipping up pancakes in a killer Derek Lam jumpsuit.

And okay, that joke is a bit dicey, but if we can be serious for a moment, Cookie’s costuming in particular has been deliberately playing with and subverting some fairly deep African-American fashion tropes. Last week she was flipping the table on the male domination of hip hop music by wearing a jumpsuit made entirely out of the types of gold rope chains male rappers and hip hop artists have worn on and off over the years, and this week she’s sporting a mammy head scarf while running her own company – and wearing pants, no less. She doesn’t just look fabulous, some interesting things are being said with her costuming.

Anyway, Cookie gets some news:

 

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And that news is “My manicure is fucking fierce, bitches.”

Also, Empire’s being raided. Push-up Prosecutor’s behind it, of course, and her obsession with this case brings her right to Lucious’ bedroom, because that’s just how it works with the law. Prosecuting attorneys get to barge right into your bedroom waving a warrant any time they like.

 

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“Bitch, you like what you see?”

 

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“Bitch, all I see is a button mushroom in a thicket of moss. You can get the fuck over yourself.”


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Lucious violates the court order that is supposed to keep him out of Empire’s offices, which surprises everyone but the people viewing at home. Selfish Crackabitch asks “How can I, a white lesbian who dresses like a clown, understand what your plan is, Lucious?”

 

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“Bitch, you can’t. Black Power. That’s the answer.”

The board applauds politely. They’re used to this nonsense.

 

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“Bitch my office got raided and you’re gonna be a grandpa. Also, my Moschino suit is fierce as fuck.”

 

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“Bitch, I know and I’ll try to be nice to Andre. Check out my crotch.”

“Bitch, please. Put that Tic-Tac away and watch my fine ass sashay out.”

 

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Jamal is being photographed by some guy who got kicked out of Fraggle Rock for doing meth. All Jamal does is record songs, do interviews, and pose for pictures while complaining that everyone in his family except his father sucks.

He’s lucky he’s cute. Otherwise he’d be insufferable.

 

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Girlfriend is NOT feeling Miss Fraggle Mess.

 


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Kelly Rowland pops in to assure us that she’s really, really happy to be playing the one woman on Empire who wears no makeup or designer clothing. Really. She’s fine. You don’t need to worry about her. She’s not mad at all.

 

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“Dad, I need you to be a father to me and a grandfather to my baby.”

“Okay, son.”

“Thank you.”

 

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“Dad, I need you to support me in everything I do all the time.”

“Okay, son.”

“Oh, and did you ever murder anyone?”

“No, son.”

“Okay, then.”

Honestly, we have no idea why Cookie’s always trying to protect these idiotic brats.

 


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It’s decided that Jamal and Hakeem will shoot a video together to “send a message” about Empire records? Or something? Literally every single crisis this family faces is met with “We’ll record a song,” “We’ll shoot a video,” or “We’ll have a party.”

Anyway, Cookie shows up dressed like Eddie Murphy circa 1987 and Selfish Whiteperson shows up dressed like a concierge in a Trump casino.

 

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The concept for the video, which is meant to show how united and unstoppable Empire is, has the brothers dressing like Black Panthers and beating the shit out of each other. We confess we don’t get the point but we’re white, so…

 

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“Baby, we need to dig up Uncle Vernon’s dead body because the voices said so.”

“Mmmkay… um, did you want to talk to Jennifer Hudson about it or something before we do anything rash? Should I get my bib?”

 

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Cookie suddenly finds herself in Kelly Rowland’s nightmare.

 

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But she wakes up to find she’s in a nightmare of her own, supplied to her by Push-Up Prosecutor.

 

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“Okay, bitch. Fine. Lucious something something Apex Radio get the fuck off my back.”

 

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“Bitch, thank you.”

 

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“Bitch, why did you stick a knife in my painting?”

 

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“Bitch, that is some trifling MS Paint bullshit that doesn’t capture the artistry and soul of the man I call brother. The colors are garish, the composition is insipid and the entire thing is derivative and unself-consciously naive.

Fuck you, I can’t work with philistines who don’t understand art. Hakeem out.”

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Andre, meanwhile has SPECTACULAR style instincts when it comes to picking outfits for digging up corpses.

 

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Hakeem drowns his sorrows in a bar where Linda Ronstadt and Michael Buble impersonators perform, when suddenly he’s struck by the siren call of LATINA POWER:

 

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Fauxlena Gomez II has been discovered.

 

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Cookie Bye-Felicias Anika for like the 30th time. Boo Boo Kitty needs to grow herself a pair.

And finally…


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Push-up Prosecutor learns what it means to go up against Lucious Lyon’s button mushroom. Her breast-jiggling screams echo up and down the street.

 

 

Style Credits:
Derek Lam Military-Inspired Sleeveless Top and Pants
Moschino Multicolored Jacket and Skirt from Resort 2016 Collection
Moschino Red Chain-Detail Leather Jacket and Pants from the Resort 2016 Collection

[Photo Credit: Moschino, Derek Lam – Stills: Tom and Lorenzo/FX]

 

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