So Lucious gets all charges against him dropped and causes Push-Up Prosecutor to run screaming from this entire show, but none of that made for interesting screencapping, so we’ll start here, with Cookie looking fabulous and ordering Tiana to work that shit a little harder, all without ever looking up from her phone.
Because Lucious “released” a drunken video where he talks about how fucking awesome he is and taunts basically everyone who isn’t him. Essentially, he’s morphed into Donald Trump with better hair at this point.
Tiana musters up something like a human emotion. “Oh my god. He’s so gross,” she says flatly. Cookie pushes her into an exposed beam.
Lucious throws an “I’m so fucking awesome” party, although ostensibly it’s to launch a side label for Andre to play with. In other words, this is an office party with a stripper pole. Because Empire.
We just love the idea of Becky staying late some night, doing the books and trying to justify the massive stripper budget.
Andre has a meeting with his pastor to discuss the fine points of how much his family sucks on the whole “morals” thing. This kind of made us laugh, because this scene is set in an alleyway next to an urban church, but has enough lush florals for your average royal wedding. Everything, even inner-city alleyway gardens, has to be ridiculously over-the-top and luxurious in this world.
Meanwhile, Tiana meets her fans.
It doesn’t go well.
Because this is the world of Empire, her muggers release a video. Next week they’ll throw a party to show their “solidarity” and then record a couple tracks to prove they’ve still got what it takes. After that, they’ll hire a choreographer for future muggings and start making red carpet appearances with Tiana’s bag.
Fraggle Rock is having drinks with Jamal and Michael and spewing a ton of bullshit about his art when suddenly it’s all “I hate gay marriage and hey, you guys are into three-ways, right? With muppets who’ve had some issues with meth?”
Jamal’s all “Hunh. What a strange question. Check my man cleavage, BTW.” Michael can spot a bitch from a mile away and can see where this is going.
Sure enough, Fraggle makes his play – and by that we mean attempts to sexually assault a drunk Jamal, who has just enough sense to keep his pants zipped. Michael comes up on them and no one decides to explain what just happened, as if a kneeling muppet and Jamal cupping his crotch in horror doesn’t look at least a little dicey.
Adam Rodriguez shows up as a concert promoter who looks like a male stripper. He and Cookie have a meeting, which results in Cookie looking like this:
For which we absolutely do not blame her.
Suddenly, Porsha, Princess of Accessorizing, bursts into the room begging for her job back with the totally Porsha-like reasoning of “I GOT YOU A DOG CAN I HAVE MY JOB BACK?”
This being Empire, not only does Porsha get her job back, but THE DOG SAVES THE DAY FOR COOKIE.
Andre tells Rhonda he’s getting baptized. She’s all “Whatever. Is this, like, a black person thing?”
She’s dressed like Amish Marcia Brady.
Ne-Yo floats down from the clouds to give Jamal some advice about managing love and career at the same time. “Yo, don’t let Fraggles blow you, man.” Jamal sings his gratitude.
Jamal has a party – because no one in this family can go more than six hours without throwing one – and tries to make a play for Laura, the singer he’s inexplicably pegged all his hopes and dreams on, and she shuts him the fuck down while calling every other girl in the room a slut, basically.
We like her.
Meanwhile at Jamal’s party, Becky takes him aside to tell him that he’s starting to dress a little slutty.
And speaking of which…
Jamal catches Michael getting blown by Fraggle out on the balcony. OUT ON THE BALCONY. IN FRONT OF A WALL OF GLASS. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, QUEEN?
No one in this scene has any sense or any dignity.
Cookie is, for no good reason, having a late night meeting with Delgado, the stripper/concert promoter. Suddenly, somewhere outside Cookie’s lavishly appointed office, Whoopty Woo, the dog Porsha got for her, starts barking a warning. Cookie and Delgado rush to the next room…
Which looks like THIS. Cookie’s office looks like a high-end design studio but the reception area at Lyon Dynasty records is all flourescent lighting and $39 microwaves. It’s possible Cookie may not be managing the company’s money all that well.
But girlfriend looks pretty hot with a gun. Cookie is impressed with how Delgado helped her handle the two goons, and she winds up looking like this:
For which, again, we do not blame her.
Andre tells Lucious he’s getting baptized and asks him to come and support him. And also if he could maybe have some suits that fit.
Hakeem stalks Laura in a totally not-creepy way and apologizes to her. To reiterate that she’s Not That Kind of Girl, she’s dressed more or less like a Cabbage Patch Kid.
Cookie shows up for Andre’s baptism in Dior and a prison tattoo and oh my God is there any more reason to love her than that?
But Lucious also shows up and even though his intentions are mostly good, his very presence ignites his family, who just can’t sit still for ten minutes and not make any scene all about themselves.
Rhonda’s all “OhmiGOD, these people are like, so TOTALLY ridiculous.” Side-Eye Sally behind her is all “Girl, I have got to agree with you on that one.”
Suddenly, in Lucious’ flashback, Kelly Rowland snaps and demands a trailer stocked with MAC cosmetics and Gucci dresses or she’ll drown this kid.
After Lucious runs out, Rhonda looks over at her dysfunctional in-laws, touches her belly, and says “I am SO TOTALLY not letting these lame people affect my baby’s happiness.” Side-Eye Sally looks at her and thinks “Girl, you are not wrong.”
Later, Hakeem meets new friends.
Vintage Versace Animal Print Short Jacket
Derek Lam ‘Ikat’ Checked Fringe Top
Christian Dior Off-the-shoulder Sheath Dress from the Fall 2015 Collection
[Photo Credit: 1stdibs.com, neimanmarcus.com, luxurygaragesale.com, IMAXTree, – Stills: Tom and Lorenzo/FOX]
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