We’re beginning to get a bit used to the rapid, head-spinning sudden left turns in the narrative. Not that we didn’t see Jamie’s return to Lallybroch coming, since he talked about it enough times. But in the space of one hour of story time, Claire went from screaming at a courtroom full of bloodthirsty Scots in defense of her life to landing smack dab in the middle of a family drama, with virtually no allies, a sister-in-law who calls her a trollop, and a husband she barely recognizes.
And it went something … like this:
Jamie: Claire, would you tell me more about airplanes and elephants while I go down on you?
Claire: Well, if you insist.
Jamie: Wait, nevermind. We’re here. Lallybroch!
Jamie: I have to warn you now, Claire; when I walk through those gates, I’ll probably start acting like a right arsehole.
Claire: Darling, you’re not my first Laird.
Jamie: I’m not your first anything.
Jamie: YOU WHORE-FACED WHOREY MacWHORE!
Jenny: … the fuck?
Jamie: BLACK JACK RANDALL, YE BASTARD HOW COULD YOU DEFILE MY SISTER THIS WAY DOES YOUR EVIL KNOW NO END?
Jenny: Hey! Stone head! Have ye met my husband and the father of my children? Over there! The pirate with the doormat face!
Jamie: Oh. Hey. Hey, pirate.
Ian: Hey, Jamie.
Jenny: I should probably punch you in the bollocks for that.
Claire: Hello, I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Claire Beauch-
Jenny: WHO DIS BITCH?
Jenny: Jamie, sit and tell us —
Claire: THANK you. It’s been such a long trip. Does anyone mind if I take my shoes off?
Jenny: So what are your pla–
Claire: WE’RE STAYING! Isn’t that exciting? When can I have my things sent up to your old room?
Jenny: Jamie, I’ve carried on father’s work as best I co–
Claire: Goodness, it’s damp in here. Do you think we could get someone to –
Jamie: Claire. Let me have a word with you in private.
Claire: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU BASTARD! OH, SO A WOMAN CAN’T HAVE AN OPINION NOW? YOU’RE ALL BARBARIANS AND I MISS TOILETS!
Jamie: I just wanted to know if ye needed me to go down on you or flick yer bean. Ye seem nervous.
Claire: Yes, please.
Jenny: For Christ’s sake, Jamie. I’m sitting right here.
Local MacTenant: Jamie Fraser, we represent the Lallybroch Guild and we’d like to welcome you back to Fraser Land!
Jamie: RENT’S ON ME, EVERYONE!
All the tenants: YAY!
Jenny: Oy gevalt.
Claire: Jenny, this local boy appears to be in an abusive home situation. I’d like you to phone Child Protective Services and have them look into it straight away.
Jenny: Let me handle this, Claire. I know the boy’s fami-
Claire: JAMIE? JAMIE?! HAVE YOU SEEN THIS POOR BOY? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?! I DARESAY LAIRD BROCH TUARACH SHOULD BE A BIT MORE OF A MAN ABOUT THIS SORT OF THING, DON’T YOU ALL THINK?
Jenny: Dis. Bitch.
Jenny: So that’s the story of how Black Jack Randall almost raped me.
Claire: I feel like a sister to you now, because he almost raped me as well. You and I, Jenny; we’re not just sisters-in-law, we’re sisters in —
Jenny: Christ, give it a rest, would you? Some things aren’t about you, English.
Jamie: He offered to rape me, but I chose to have the flesh torn off me in bits instead. Seemed hotter somehow.
Ian: He didn’t rape me but he did make fun of my wooden leg.
Claire: Excuse me, is that alcohol? Because Mama’s had a shit day.
Jenny: So, have you ever run a large house before?
Claire: No, but I have an annoying tendency to do everything really well the first time I try it.
Jenny: Well, you sure know your way around a bottle.
Claire: I want you to know you’ll always be welcome here. Did you pick out that wallpaper?
Jenny: You’ve been back ONE DAY and you’ve made a mess of everything! If father were alive, he’d be spinning in his grave right now!
Jamie: ENOUGH WITH YOUR WORDS, WOMAN! YOU’VE MADE ME SO ANGRY I NEED TO GO TEAR OFF ALL MY CLOTHES AND FIX SOMETHING! *storms out*
Claire: Wait for me, darling! I’m coming! Or I will be, if I play this right.
Jenny: So gross. That’s my brother, you know.
Ian: Those Frasers. Hard-headed bunch, amirite, Claire?
Claire: However do you manage with such a … such a …
Ian: Go on. Say it. “Bitch.”
Claire: Yes, thank you. Such a bitch of a wife.
Ian: … a hardcore, ball-busting, demon-eyed bitch of a wife.
Claire: I’ll just stick with “bitch” for now, thank you.
Claire: Are you … crying?
Ian: Help me. Please. For the love of God. She hides my leg at night.
Jenny: So. You decided to visit Father’s grave then. I’ll have to find something else to nag you about now.
Jamie: Jenny, I’m sorry for being such a fool.
Jenny: Just let me punch you in the bollocks and I’ll forget the whole thing.
Jamie: Claire doesn’t like it when ye punch my bollocks.
Jenny: Christ, Jamie. Where did ye find that one? Thrown in a ditch somewhere?
Jamie: Funny you should mention that…
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[Photo Credit: 2014 Sony Pictures Television Inc.]